Woodland Creatures
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As you are soon to be aware, the mighty LM is off wrangling bears with the boys on a scout camping trip. I was invited to go, but when I found out that, not only would they be sleeping in “lean-tos”, there are facilities, with like actual plumbing, I turned my nose up and declared them incompetent in the natural elements. Then I laughed as I saw the pile of camping gear LM had packed. Keep in mind this photo includes no necessities like, food, cooking gear, or toilet paper (because that’s provided by the “camp”!) (Okay, one last dig, it’s not camping when you have pizza for dinner in the “lean-to”.)
I don’t think I helped matters when on a recent walk S2, a full and proud 6 years old, said, “there aren’t any bears or wolves in the forest right, because why would we camp there if there were?” To which I replied, “no, they are all staying at the hotel while you take over the forest.” I don’t think he got the joke, as he repeatedly discussed the reasons the forest was safe. I stopped myself from pointing out the other boyscouts that have gone missing in the past, because that’s the kind of stepmother I am.
But seriously, now that LM is out of the picture, errr, I mean out of town, it’s time to get down to business. For the past couple of years I had been begging him to create this blog, but for personal reasons, ie the expensive ass custody procedures, we put it off. Now that it’s finally done, not the draining of money by any means, but the blog is here, we do actually have some plans as to what we would like to accomplish! I know, can you imagine? We don’t actually just write here to amuse ourselves! Okay, maybe a little. So, I am asking for your input. I know what I want to do, but does anyone really care about my thoughts? Um, no, trust me, you don’t. (It’s mostly about wine, fabric, gardening and a little feng shui) (Did I spell that right?)
So, what do you need help with? Are there experts you would like to hear from? Parental alienation conferences? Software that will help you build a custody case, track problems, etc? Ideas on how to help your children through this mess? A getaway weekend for non-nons? A support group to rant and rave about issues? A class on how to channel anger while reading viscious e-mails? Let us know!
April 12th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Truthfully I need help knowing how to put a case together with my husband to fight for custody of his kids….any advice is always appreiciated!
April 13th, 2008 at 6:37 am
As the wife of a man with a PEW, I want to hear from you about just how you handle being in this rollercoaster of a relationship. When I look over the last two years of our relationship, now marriage, I am deeply struck by how our PEW has insinuated herself into our relationship, and my psyche. This is truly something I did not ’sign up’ for: I did not anticipate at all in the beginning how it would be! Our relationship was not at all initally based on a sort of reaction to PEW-and still isn’t, but she quickly tried to plonk herself right in the middle, when she found out about me. When I look back at the emails–maybe not a good idea–(sometimes several arrived per day) and what she has put us–and me-through, particularly intensified in the months in the run-up to our wedding–I realise how deeply traumatised I am by her behaviour! Even seeing her email address/name on the screen causes my stomach to jolt in a fight/flight reaction. We have had family therapy, very helpful and I recommend it, but hearing from someone with first-hand experience is invaluable. Do you ever feel like you’d just like to walk away, that you’ve had enough? I have my own stuff to deal with: own children, own concerns. I marvel at how this woman seems to be able to get in everywhere!! We have followed your sound advice re parallel parenting– a life-saver—but still she is always there with her next trick. Up til now in my life, if someone were destructive and hurtful, I could choose to stop them, remove them from my life, but with a PEW and step-children, one can’t do that. Sometimes I feel awfully trapped–and very angry! Sometimes I feel cross at my husband that he has brought this into our relationship, when I want to concentrate on good beginnings and living a happy, new life. (I know this is unfair, but although I didn’t have a PEH, I still had a very sad divorce and some years on my own as a single parent. I want to relish this new relationship with the man who is my true Love!)I also feel cross and anxious when my husband slips up, as everyone does, and doesn’t stick to parallel parenting(either by over-responding to bad stuff, or getting lulled by temporary ‘nice’ behaviour), thus inviting another round of attack and acting out by PEW.I feel I have to be on the look-out, that we both have to be vigilant and aware at all times, and this is exhausting. Sometimes I feel I just can’t take one more thing. Soooo, I want to hear from you, DW. How you feel, how you manage, how do you and LM keep centred on the important things, the quality of your own lives?
Thanks so much for all your continuing help!
April 15th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
actually DW, i’d love to hear more from you. i was very happy to see a post from you this morning, and lo and behold it hit home with me right away, (hence my long comment). I think you have a lot to offer those of us in similar situations. your perspective would help other stepmoms in similar shoes and promote a healthy dose of fellowship. And i know that this is mostly Mister M’s site, and i love to hear a male side of things, but maybe a weekly column from you would be a great addition.
April 15th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Lucky, it’s definitely “our” site. It’s just that sometimes available time for each of us limits the contributions. We’re working on it though!
April 15th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I would like to have a place to “sound off” when things get too frustrating.
My best friend has a PEW. He and I have been very close for years, dated for a while after his divorce was final; then I broke up with him because of the PEW. I realized I was not necessarily handling things well when I lay in bed at night thinking of how satisfying it would be to just beat the living s*** out of her.
We are back together again… dating, and probably will end up marrying (although maybe not: we did a hypothetical view of our tax picture if we were to file jointly… OUCH!) Anyway, I know I chose in this time; knowing full well and first-hand exactly what I was signing up for.
I think those of us who have loved ones with a PEW or PEH could really use an interactive forum for venting, cross-referring resources, giving each other tips, encouragement, etc.
I’ll start: does anyone know what it would take to get a PEW involuntary committed to a mental institution- permanently?
Okay, and seriously, the other thing I’d like to see more discussion on is how to balance the well-deserved contempt and absolute disgust for the psycho-ex, against the love, honor, and respect that the children need to learn and feel for their psycho parent. I feel that I need to know more in order to more effectively help the kiddos.
April 15th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Oh yeah, and I just found this one thing from Bill Eddy’s High Conflict Institute newsletter (link to Bill Eddy is on the PEW blog):
“Instead of blaming back, you give empathy, attention, and respect (your E.A.R.). Instead of deciding who’s the bad guy and who’s the good guy, you help the parties focus on what positive behaviors each can contribute. Instead of reacting to high-intensity emotions, you acknowledge emotions and focus on the next tasks. Instead if trying to persuade HCPs to act differently, you set limits and build in consequences to your agreements or court orders. None of this is complicated, but it’s very hard to do when you are facing an angry, blaming, personalizing HCP. The bottom line is that it takes practice, practice, practice—and support and feedback from those you trust. And that’s the HCP Theory in a nutshell!”
My personal take-home is in that last line: practice. And, to give myself and my dear best friend permission to booger it up and try again anyway.
January 26th, 2010 at 1:54 am
I have a question about what to do when u disagree with the other parents parenting “style.” I’m concerned because there are either boys sneaking over in the middle of the night or the PEW knows and is deliberately lying about it/hiding it while either telling sd 14 to lie or covering for sd if she was sneaking them over… Please help! What do we do?
January 26th, 2010 at 8:27 am
KMorgan, you can do nothing when you disagree with the other parents’ parenting style. All you can do is teach them right from wrong and all of the classic, appropriate ways of the world growing up. Yes, it’s a shame that, given all of the normal negative influences they’ll experience, that one of their parents is one of them - but there is truly nothing you can do (legally) to address their parenting “style.”