Why Talk About it on the Internet?
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I have been reading your site. I am interested in every different viewpoint; but, my personal question to you, is: why, if you really think your ex-wife has serious mental health issues….why is it something to talk about on the internet?
I mean no disrespect; and, like I said, I have been reading some, but I work with mentally ill individuals, and I have also dealt with a serious depressive disorder in my own life. It would disturb me terribly, if I felt that others were speaking of my clients, or myself using terms such as “crazy”, or “nutcase”.
I know first-hand the pain of divorce for children. Of course, my parents have been divorced since I was a year old; however, there were issues all the years of my life between myself and the two of them. I came to realize they were all about getting at each other, instead of showing real concern about me during those times. However, my mother was the one who really cared about me overall. And, I believe from what I have read on your site, that you are the parent who really cares about your childrens’ welfare, overall.
It must be hellish to deal with someone who is potentially borderline. I don’t do well with borderline folks. Most counselors won’t even see them as clients because their personality disorder makes them rather impossible to help. I realize this. It’s just that I can’t understand what purpose it serves to not “rise above” the borderline personality’s issues and focus on the positives in one’s present life.
Honestly, I am very interested in your story, and the stories that others have shared on your site. I just wonder if the benefit of ranting outweighs the stress you experience with this woman and her family members.?
I hope the best for you with your children. My fear is the scars that may result because of your ex-wife’s disorder and the probability that your children will know and feel your stress and resentments toward their mother.
Children do suffer. And I just hope someday the woman will come to realize the issues and seek help for herself. Borderlines can eventually be helped. It’s like anything else; they have to realize they have problems, and the whole thing about the disorder is that they don’t think they do have problems. This is actually part of the disorder. That’s why it is so difficult to work with these folks. BUT, there is hope for them. That would be my wish; for your childrens’ sakes.
Sincerely…
TS
Why is it something I want to talk about on the internet?
There are a lot of reasons why it is something I want to talk about and the feedback I receive from readers supports my decision every single day.
This question was asked of me when I was interviewed for a piece that was published on divorce360.com. In response to that question, I explained, “The site is intended to help people in similar situations. “I had always felt like no one really knew or quite understood the level of chaos that had existed in my life, and this was a way to express it all without burdening others with such horror or having to explain myself, re-explain myself.” It served as a means to tell the truth of my experiences but to no one in particular.”
That is how I defined the reason for starting this site in January of 2008. Soon thereafter, we started getting an incredible amount of feedback from people who truly felt as isolated as I did, going through very similar situations. That’s when the site, for me and hopefully others, took on a more meaningful purpose. I am not alone nor are others who are embroiled in such similar situations. I pray that their realizations prevent them from the self-trapping that I did. I felt I had nowhere to turn and had I discovered a place like this a long time ago, I may have been compelled to make some better choices much earlier in the relationship. Maybe I would have been more honest with myself and with others about what I was going through and gotten more help and guidance for myself and/or the children.
It’s what people do when going through something as significant as this. They isolate themselves out of fear. Fear of a lack of understanding. Fear of burdening others with thier troubles. Fear of abandonment. The sense of relief and the release of the anxiety of feeling so isolated is evident in the communications I get from others.
Contrary to your concerns regarding the potential for my children to sense the stress and resentment - it’s not my website that will risk doing that - it’s the actual experiences that we have all endured and will continue to go through due to the failed relationship between the PEW and I. In fact, I would be quick to tell you that this outlet of sharing and caring greatly reduces the stress and any resentment I feel towards the PEW. Further, it reduces the stress and anxiety those close to me feel (especially DW) because I’m not just unloading on those people. I can do it here and hopefully be doing something productive in the process - not just for me, but for anyone who cruises by here for a read.
On the flip side, I don’t feel bad about the scant few terms I use for my ex-wife and some others in her family. When you consider that I am no longer affected so deeply by the terms that she uses for me, including: spousal abuser, drug addict, alcoholic, homosexual, faggot, impotent, asshole, child abuser, falsely filing reports with CPS, calling the police for no particular reason… and the list goes on and on and on… categorizing her actions as nutty or psycho, aside from being accurate (unlike hers), are tame by comparison. Like you, and I have mentioned it several times on this site - I wish the very same for PEW - that she would recognize what she’s actually going through and take steps to manage it effectively to the benefit of everyone. That is no lie.
Finally, I have many positives which I focus on in life. The work that I do on this site doesn’t mean that I don’t. Every single day is a lot of hard work to rise above the BPD and the experiences of dealing with her. I have a lot to be thankful for - a wonderful partner in DW, 2 children of my own, 2 step-children, great family and friends, a great job, and the list goes on. As long as my site serves to help people, entertain people (to some small degree), educate people, and be an outlet for shaking off the bad experiences… I’ll keep doing it.
~LM
June 24th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I write as the partner of someone with a PEW and I am also a mental health professional. Surviving the ongoing onslaught of abuse from our PEW has been unbelievably hard work. This web site has been a blessing to us. LM’s informing us of Parallel Parenting has changed our lives immeasurably–and this was not something suggested by any of the professionals, legal or psychological, that we have consulted. If this were the only thing we have gained from this website, it would be enough!
Dealing properly with a borderline means that you have to exercise tremendous self-control and strategic thinking. There are so many times that you must bite your tongue and not say (or write) all the things that you wish you could say to defend yourself or ’set the record straight.’ Having an outlet like this helps all of us, the writers and the readers, bear the constant challenges to our peace (and blood pressure). While we work so very hard to say and do the right things that will benefit our loved ones and ourselves, it is such a relief to have a place where we can just let rip!
I found this site, coincidentally, shortly after it was set up, when I was desperately googling to find help for what seemed to be an unusual situation. I was at the end of my tether. How wonderful to find that there are others experiencing the same things, and who have offered help and support.
Yes, sometimes we all might rant a bit–but we are not doing it at home! What an excellent outlet.
Anyone who has dealt with people who are Borderline will know what lengths they push you to, and what horrible stresses you feel.
Thank goodness we are not alone and thank you, LM and DW, sincerely.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I have been accused of so much, and it boils down to “It’s OK that I act like a damn freak, but the kids are suffering because you find my actions unacceptable!” Only in an imbalanced mind does that make sense.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
The Low-Contact Post
and
All Low-Contact Related Posts
June 25th, 2008 at 2:33 am
Besides the venting outlet and the handy advice on no/low-contact, I will add one other huge benefit: restoring the frame of reference.
When someone has been with a Borderline, the constant barrage against reality causes the “sane” person to lose their perspective - it shifts their frame of reference off center. They start to second-guess themselves. They sometimes wonder if they are the “crazy” one. They lose a sense of what is “normal”, “acceptable”, or “okay”.
Having this blog helps restore that reference point. For example, it’s *not* okay for someone to scream or swear at you and call you filthy names. People who live with a Borderline often lose sight of that.
“Borderline” personality disorder is so-called because it was originally considered to be on the “borderline” between neurosis and psychosis (psychosis being defined as “a loss of contact with reality”). For those of us with a Borderline in our lives, we realize that sometimes, that “borderline” gets crossed, and reality gets challenged. This blog helps us see where the line is, so we can scoot back across it.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Why? Besides the many reasons listed here, I just had to add my own. I felt very lucky to have found this site, and I was SO appreciative of the laughter it induced.
As a therapist, who admits that these patients/people are very difficult, if not impossible to treat, you yourself answered your own question of “why”.
I have been a nurse for 16 years, and have worked in many different fields. I understand the value of coping mechanisms. As a victim of the abuse dealt out by an ex someone with serious issues, one of the most important coping mechanisms I engage in is humor.
It appears that we all here have realized that there is not much we CAN do except give our very best in trying to make it right in OUR lives, therefore hoping to insure that our/any children are cared for and parented in a healthier mental environment when we have them with us.
Regardless of your occupation, the terms “nutcase” “psycho” & “koo-koo” are (hate to say this), but right on! We don’t FEEL better when we say, “Oh darn, that borderline personality is just really getting under my skin”. Although we deal we these people on a daily basis, we are still profoundly shocked at the next dramatic episode, although we know it’s coming. We are trying to COPE. We laugh, we talk/vent about it, we ask questions, we seek answers, we join forums and subscribe to blogs. This is how we help OURSELVES.
As a professional that deals with patients in this area, it is what you get paid to provide. This website is ony different in that it is available to the entire online world. It allows us to have a big “group” session. It potentially offers answers to those uninformed, it offers unity for those who wonder if they are alone, it offers laughter in place of despair. It also offers validation.
I felt instant relief when I found this site, and have been able to move forward in my situation with much more confidence, and knowledge.
So, that’s “why”, but I think, as a professional in your field, you probably already knew this.
JI
June 25th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I’m glad you answered this, because I’ve been wondering the same thing. Not that you shouldn’t feel free to post whatever you want here, because I do it as well, but I do wonder what will happen if she ever discovers your site and recognizes herself. Be prepared, because it is a very real possibility no matter how well you hide it. Your kids will find out that you have the site and tell her (even if they don’t know exactly what it is, just letting her know there is one will prompt her to look), she will be googling something and find it by accident (which, by the way, is how I found you), the possibilities are nearly endless. And brother, if you think that woman is a psycho now, it is nothing compared to what will ensue in the wake of her discovery.
I’m sure you take every precaution, but short of making your site a members-only site, the possibility of her discovery will always be there. Just be ready; I am.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I am as ready as I can be. However, if for the last 14+ years she hasn’t recognized a problem within herself or her family - I think the odds are heavily in my favor that she’ll never google “Borderline Personality Disorder” or “Psycho Ex-Wives.”
June 25th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
“Although we deal we these people on a daily basis, we are still profoundly shocked at the next dramatic episode, although we know it’s coming. We are trying to COPE.” You are so right, New, and your comment was beautiful and insightful.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I can understand the “why.” You need to vent somewhere and release the anger and frustration of dealing with a person that is very hard to deal with. I went through a bitter, gut wrenching child custody battle that took 3 years. My ex and his mother were the initiators. I really believe that his mother is 80% of the reason that it was so horrible, painful and traumatic. If it had just been me and him the parenting schedule would have been settled within a year. She paid for the majority of his attorney fees, manipulated the Special Advocate, created lies about me, even tried to seek primary custody herself when they thought he wasn’t going to get “sole custody.” That’s right, they wanted to completely cut me out of my children’s life. Not because it was truly in the best interests of the children but because they (his mother) wanted the power and control. The list could go on and on. I finally got primary custody because his alcohol abuse became evident. He was caught driving drunk with our 2 small children in the vehicle, weaving in and out of oncoming traffic. I had told the court repeatedly that he had a drinking problem but they did not believe me. Not until my children’s lives were put in danger.
I know that all human beings, to some degree, have issues. I am definitely no saint but it amazes me when he (my ex) still tries to act like all the BS that he and his mother pulled during the custody case never happened. Delusional. Seriously, I wish they would both get mental health evaluations. Hers would come up as some disorder, I am certain, and I know his would too because his father has some mental health issues.
A child custody battle that is drawn out is traumatic and painful, not just for the children but for the parents as well. It should NOT be allowed.
It seems like you are careful to remain anonymous, at least I hope so. That’s the only thing that could possibly hurt you, (in the case), is if the courts got wind of your site.
I just dealt with another lovely conversation with my ex after an exchange of our daughter this morning. It didn’t take place in front of her, it was a phone call afterwards. He called me “emotionally shattered,” . . . I fired back that that was his mother. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have said that but really I get so sick and tired of his petty, derogatory comments. He constantly tries to verbally put me down. I honestly get fed up. It’s been 7 years since I left. I’m not sure why he thinks it’s okay to speak to me that way.
Sorry, I can go on and on. It’s a waste of energy to try to understand why he is verbally abusive. But, again I do understand why you use this as your sort of “vent box.” It is therapeutic, the release and all.
I also think there needs to be more awareness out there that drawn out custody battles create more harm then good and serious changes need to be made to family law.
Monica
November 6th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Just found this site and starting to read through the posts. I believe that discussing these issues on the internet is useful in getting the word out about parents with personality disorders. Judges and “family law” attorneys are usually sadly uninformed when it comes to this, and too often kids suffer due to the actions and decisions of people in the legal profession who can simply walk away without any consequences.
My ex wife has BPD with elements of narcissistic, paranoid, histrionic, and antisocial personality disorders. In the early 90’s I attempted to gain full custody of my 15 month old daughter, fearing that her mother’s behavior would be significantly damaging to her. After three years we finally went though a jury trial divorce, with the result of joint physical and legal custody, myself having the final decision-making capacity should we disagree. While my ex only had my daughter 50% of the time, I was highly concerned about her harming her both physically and mentally.
Flash forward to my daughter at age 12. She constantly complained about her mother’s mood swings, profanity-laced rages, calling her terrible names, throwing objects around the house, hitting her, refusing to get up to take her to school, stating negative things about me, lying about her to her friends, etc., etc. My daughter repeatedly told me that she wanted to live with me full time when she turned 14, the age at which children can make this decision in my state. In the meantime, I knew that if I filed for modification of custody the likely result would be that she remain with her unstable mother and her mother would retaliate by verbally abusing her even more. My ex’s attorney has successfully acted and continues to act as an “abuse advocate” for his client, and expects me to pay his attorney’s fees when he essentially has earned his money though indirectly hurting my daughter.
Midway through her freshman year of high school, my daughter developed an eating disorder and nearly had to be hospitalized. She entered therapy and spent much of her individual and group therapy sessions complaining about her mother. She then started family therapy with her mom, during which time her mom’s behavior further deteriorated. The therapist made little progress and felt it wasn’t worth continuing until my ex got therapy herself. During this time, my daughter started moving her belongings over to my house and has been living with me full time ever since. Her eating disorder started improving immediately after she moved in with me and continues to improve. Sadly, my ex’s abuse advocate attorney has been trying to force my daughter to live with her unstable mother against her will and has even resorted to filing contempt of court charges against me. All this when he is fully aware that the family therapist believes that if my daughter is forced to live with her mother, there is a high likelihood that she would relapse into her eating disorder. All the while he has been asking me to pay his attorney’s fees. I can understand working to help your client, but I cannot accept this man’s continued attempts to do this at the expense of my daughter’s mental health. I have not doubt that he has harmed my daughter by successfully arguing to have her live with her unstable and abusive mom half the time since she was an infant, and his actions might harm her further. Yet he can cash my checks and sleep at night. I know this is how our esteemed legal system works, but I simply can digest this. Unbelievably this “man” has children of his own and a daughter about same age as my daughter.
My daughter is now 16, and we have just completed court-ordered custody evaluations, and are awaiting the results. I am hoping and praying that the recommendations are going to help and not harm my precious daughter. My ex’s attorney has done enough damage already. I sincerely believe that if anyone needs to be compensated, it is my daughter, who should be compensated by my ex’s attorney, who has truly left his mark on this world by harming a child.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Gooddad, your story is alarming but not surprising. I often wonder if there were some way to see sanctions against such an attorney… that wasn’t overseen by other attorneys. Ah, to dream.
I certainly hope you’re not paying any of her legal fees unless ordered to by the court.
~LM
December 4th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
My prayers and sympathies for you all. Hope is eternal.
-Trying very hard to get D from an bpd husband.
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:33 pm
This season will mark the very first Christmas we will not see my husband’s children. His PEW acted unethically (she has represented herself for the last four times) when she convinced and manipulated the Marin court system that my husband was, “an abusive person who had no desire to parent…” My husband was in the hospital (removal of cysts) at the time of the mediation and thought he had arranged with the court appoited mediator to get an extention due to his medical circumstances. The mediator agreed but then met with the PEW and then wrote the famous, scathing analysis of my dear husband. The PEW had also hacked into my email account and gathered information about dates etc. which is why we think everything fell at exactly the same time as my husbands surgery. My husband sent his legal representative to the court and she was awarded full custody of the three children (13, 11,
and my husband would have visitation but based on what this PEW felt was “in the children’s best interest’. We were then legally advised to not see the children as this PEW is prone to false accusations, hostilities, assault and fabricating the truth. She has bullied and threatened the children into lieing about their father and under these circumstances, it is clearly impossible to see the children (unless there is a court appointed supervisor present) for fear that she will fabricate some horrific story, bully the children into lieing about their dear father again, and then my husband is in jail. Remember, this PEW lied and convinced the Marin court system that my husband was abusive—those words are on paper. My husband asked that the children be interviewd and their voices were never heard. This PEW has received $10 mm dollars in their divorce settlement and she receives $10,000 each month. My husband pays for everything and she does not work. She is currently with her best friend’s husband and she is making that woman’s life a living hell. This PEW has bugged this poor woman’s house phone and emails so that she can monitor all of her email correspondences with anyone. This PEW has just recently told the school (that my husband pays for) not to let my husband speak to his children—he used to call once a month, speak to them for 3 minutes about how he loved them and missed them—it was a wonderful connection as their evil mother waa not there to bully them or intimidate them while they excitedly spoke to their dear dad. The pEW just recently confiscated the cell phones that the children use to speak to their father. The PEW told my dear husband that he could call her cell phone if he wanted to speak to the children or the house phone where she can record their conversations. We were advised by law enforcement (after I filed a report that she hacked into my email account) not to have contact with this individual. All we want is to nurture the loving relationship that we share with these children. We have no desire to communicate with the PEW—it is not appropriate. My husband has not spoken to the children for weeks and has not seen his children for 8 months. He used to see his children at least twice, each month and for the whole summer. We do not have nannys or help (like the PEW) so we spent a lot of quality time with these children. The children have no idea what their eveil mother is doing but we hear through the grapevine that she is telling everyone that their father abandoned them and that she pays for everything. The oldest girl has a nervous tic and curvature of the spine—two symptoms of such emotional abuse by this PEW—the other two children will definately be brainwashed into believing such evil and warped distortions as well. The kids are being emotionally abused but the system does not care. The system has helped a psychotic to further abuse three inocent children because this PEW believes that ‘destroying’ my husband is paramount to the children’s health and happiness. She will never hear from us again. We will not celebrate CHristmas this year in observation of the devastation. I would like to say that 2008 has been a bittersweet year: we lost my husband’s three wonderful children but we never have to see or speak or subject ourselves to that evil and ugly monster (PEW) AGAIN!!!!!
January 15th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
i dont know if this is a different part of the site..but anyways..im glad..in a way, in that i dont feel alone in what i experienced..
i met my wife (now ex), i lived in the UK and she in canada and we went back and forwards and used the internet to keep in touch. anyway, when we decided that one of us had to move, i decided to go to canada. my ex was so insistent about me selling my house and business and i wanted to let my house, but she gave me the old, but it would be so much trouble etc..so i sold it..anyway, as soon as i got here, she wasnt the same, everything seemed to be about her, clothes, the car etc..but i bonded amazingly with my stepson. after a few months we got married, thought it would get better, but as soon as we were married, she got worse. she became violent and always starting fights, i would walk away cos i knew she was going to get vicious. some nights she would wake up and just start. one night she told me to get out the house or she would call the cops and say i beat her and that they would deport me..so i grabbed my jacket and left, it was at least -30 and i was in shelters, huddled behind buildings to try and get any heat. when i came back, she acted like nothing was wrong. other times i would go to sleep on the sofa and she would follow me down and went ape and was only happy when i was sleeping on the concrete floor in the basement under a pile of coats without any heating..she would come down every hour or so to make sure i hadnt turned it on..the violence and abuse escalated and went on for days. when i told her it was over, it was such a relief for me..but we had to share a house till i found a place. i was still paying all the bills etc. she was running around with this married man..and when my stepson died, seeing him was more important than mourning her son. the only time she cried, when people came to the door, when they were gone..she was fine..walking around quite happy, texting her bf. the same with the funeral, it was such a big event that the NY Islanders coach came to the city and did a speech at his school..she made a huge thing about it too cos it got her attention. she screwed her bf everyday..she wore the same thing everytime she was going to see him. i couldnt even leave the house i was so devastated. when i moved out, i went to the bank to get some money, 40 bucks and found my whole account empty. she had asked me to keep our joint account open cos she was expecting a check on the following monday, this was friday morning a week after i left..she emptied my bank account of all my wages, i then checked my master account and found she had been draining all the money from it over the last few months..they dont send u a bank statement for it..but then again, u dont expect ur wife to steal ur money and i also found out she still had an account with her ex-husband. i went to 2 lawyers and both said the same thing, that she had scammed me from the start. i was still so broken up over my stepsons death, i wasnt focussing and she kept calling trying to emotionally blackmail me for money, using him as an excuse..eventually i told her never to contact me again..but she has called my friends badmouthing me, sent emails to them, even my own family, who she had conned too…eventually the people in the community saw her for wot she was..she has been sleeping around with young boys of 19 and 20 and picking up guys who she thinks have money and even getting them involved in harassing me..i have papers that prove she defrauded the government on several occassions..so the only thing i need to do now is send them..but the only thing that stops me is not wanting my stepsons name dragged through the mud..believe me..she is not right in the head and she still wont let it go..i cant believe anyone could use their sons tragic death to make herself popular..and cos i wont play her games, she wont let it go…
January 25th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I agree with whoever said that people who interact with Borderlines lose perspective. I am naturally a strong person and my husband has FINALLY gotten help (he is like a different person after being put on medicine; it’s really unbelievable) but you’re right: the constant barrage against you takes it’s toll. You are the enemy. Always. It doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter how or what or when or anything else. You. Are. The. Enemy. Period. You are hurting them. You hate them. You think they are a terrible person. You are setting them up. You tricked them. You’re testing them. You’re not on their side. You hate them. You hate them. You hate them. They tell you every single day how you are this terrible person who is doing all of these terrible things to them. And they really believe that. And they really believe that your opinion of them (which inevitably becomes bad after they’ve done so many cruddy things to you) is baseless. It has nothing to do with THEM or anything THEY’VE done. You just hate them because you’re a bitch (or a bastard) who wants to hurt them for no reason or because you think it’s funny (really, what kind of person says things like that?). After hearing this crap every single day for a few years, it really starts to get to you. Especially when NOTHING YOU SAY MATTERS. They are bottomless pits and nothing you can ever do or say matters. It’ll never be enough to convince them you care about them. After awhile, I know I started to turn into somebody I didn’t like. I was bitter toward him and I REALLY hated him. A part of me still does because there are things he has done that I cannot forgive him for. You can’t live in a marriage like that. When he came into the room, just that sour look on his face made me want to punch him. I realized that I was becoming like him, in some ways: malcontented, nasty and just unable to be happy. I finally told him, “You are not going to make me into you. I will not allow it.” He finally got help and he is SO MUCH better it’s crazy. And it makes me really angry sometimes that he could not get help sooner but these things are what they are. A person has to get to a certain point before they can ask for help. I am just glad he was not successful in destroying every shred of happiness I could get ahold of. I was even afraid that if he finally got help, I would be too bitter and hate him too much to even care, that it might be too late. If it had been, that would’ve been his fault. Dealing with him might have made me lose perspective but it never convinced me I was to blame.
January 25th, 2009 at 11:22 am
MOH - you are correct. I was ultimately diagnosed as having some PTSD. When you stick with something like that and take the barrage of verbal abuse for so long, you start to get a little shell-shocked and fearful.
I was fortunate, I just knew and held onto the reality that I was never the demon she portrayed me to be and I would never become that person. It doesn’t mean that I wasn’t adversely affected… I was. However, the smartest thing I ever did for myself was to see a professional almost right out of the divorce gate and it helped me regain my perspective over a short period of time (and then maintain it).
Many kudos to you and your husband for making it through the storm and doing what you can to keep it from returning. That last sentence really said it best.
February 12th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Wow, MEORHIM… so true.. I am going through a break up with a BPD man as we speak, it has not been the first time in this drama love story! My highly intelligent BPD man is a writer (published his 1st book in October 08) and he keeps swinging in and out of his 2nd book that he is writing now , he sees me as one of the caracters if not more… Looking in to my eyes and than asking me questions about normal things really , but somehow I feel like he is asking me questions about that higher power that he thinks i posess! Not all the time but sometimes. It is honestly driving me insane as I start to think that he is trying to channel me somehow…
He has started smoking hashies now and he tells me that it relaxes him and also takes him away from all the problems in his life and the world. I see him relaxed and if that is not good enough he keeps playing this game on the internet called IMPERIUM its to do with Romans fighting battles for hours on end. He gets into it and what ever I say or do interveres his game and he will sometimes shout at me!
I can have a good conversation with him about my problems or what ever and he helps… but he would rather not listen or get involved, as it adds to his problems and he wants to see me as a love that gives him love and no problems. So basically I just have to be there for him when he wants. It is breaking me into pieces. Its giving me stress cause I feel I can not do things i need to do and to take my time.
I heard some disturbing news last week about him attacking his ex (7 years ago), trying to strangle her…So with me now knowing this takes me to the next story that happened 3 days ago.
This time he and I flipped… He accused me of not doing something right. I had enough of him accusing me… I shouted at him because his tone of voice annoyed me.
Apperently I looked at him with my DEVIL eyes and my loud voice… After I proved my point He ran after me saying:’ Never look at me like that again!: and poked me hard in the cheek! Whereby saying… next time I will smash your face in! Ofcaurse I left and have not been back for the last 3 days.
I have been walking on eggsheles, not just me his kids too and everyone around him! I have tried to put up with it, trying to sence in what kind of mood he would be in… Trying to push him to do yoga, gym anything!! He tries but does not seem to stick to the regime and tells me i have to push him into that, i try but me too keeps slipping in and out of regime… aghhh.
Its like we are just distroying eachother. Testing eachothers limits. This is not love! Pain is not love, mistrust is not love… He makes fun of all my lovers that I have… I don’t! I tried putting up with all this. I can not anymore… Yesterday i had my first panic attack on the street just by thinking of the situation I am in. How did I,the strong independent woman get here?
I know he will try again to get me back… I have to change my number, perhaps even change flat. My stuff is still at his house. Oh my goodness, it all seems like DRAMA all the time, my friends already know the whole story that has been going on for on and off 3 years. I can see them getting tired of the same old stuff… me too, I am getting tired of myself saying the same old stuff!
I have been reading lots of stories of women and men that this has happened to and it is helping me to get over the shock! I know I need to fix myself and get back onto my track again. I thought he would never toutch me, but he has! In one way I am glad that he did, so it is finely the way out to put an end to all this emotional mind games. I know I am still desolving this, but I need to love myself more again. Be nice to me, respect me. I can not heal him, he is asking for too much. He just wants me to love him… how can I if he destroys all the things I have done to show him that I did love him…
I know what love is, I have fellt it and I am now working on getting it back. My goodness, I am deeper in this than I thought! I will get through this, with help of forums like these. Thank you!
February 14th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Wow, many of these experiences sound like like mine. I also am a mental health therapist and up until now have been living my life with blinders on. My wife has many borderline traits (as well as many of the females on her mothers side) and she too, has the on and off switch. It is true that I can predict whenever she will explode. Whoever wrote in blog that you can feel an impending storm is correct!!! Yes, living with her for the past 15 years has been stressful and I dont think I can do it anymore, I know I cant “save her” or change her. God forbid I disagree with her and if I do, then its a gamble whether or not she will turn. When she does turn she gets very mean and calls me names in front of the children.
Yes, I too have lost my perspective on what is normal and what is not. I have gotten sucked into this sick dance of hers (I call it the borderline dance) and I refuse to do it anymore. I will not get sucked into the name calling anymore and disrespectful communication that she tries to provoke. I mean she tries to provoke me until I snap, and then turns it around and then gets even nastier and calls me a “head case” and “psycho”. I am no angel and can be a bit stubborn, but I think that I am a good husband and father. I help out and cook gourmet meals 3-4 times a week (its a hobby), I clean, and help care for our children. I believe in compromise. She expects it and much more.
My wife is much different around other people. She is very agreeable to her work superiors, coworkers, friends and all think that she is so nice. The problem is that she holds it in for me. When she gets home if she is stressed out from home ….watch out!
As far as family dynamics, the women in her family treat their men like garbage and then blame the men for their problems and failed marriages. Its textbook BPD because I see this with many patients and it is oblivious to them. They cant see why their lives are chaotic and stressful. Each person with BPD has similar core traits but some cope “better” than others. EX. Some can hold a job but have still have chaos in their personal lives which I see with my wife.
Recently I have opened my eyes to the reality of my marriage. I have an autoimmune disease, Ankloysing Spondylitis, where all liagmant tissue in the spine and body get inflamed and calcify- very painful and debilitating. I think I have it partly due to stress and I was so ill at one point I was bedridden and on disability for 4 months. Here I was so ill I could not raise my head off the pillow. During this time she would call me lazy, unmotivated, and swear profanities whenever she entered the room I was resting in; she was abusive but now does not see it. She makes the excuse that she was stressed. I honestly dont think I can forgive her for how she treated me then, especially since I had was in such a weak and painful state. I couldn’t imagine how she would treat me if I ever had a terminal illness; its all very fortelling.
I have stayed with her for the same reasons why you all stayed, because of the hope that it will change, fear of not seeing my children because she has threatened me that her family will get the best laywers if we split. But, I know that when we do split it will be the best decision for the long-term.
P.S. to “MeOrHim”. I very happy to hear that your husband has gotten help for his mental health concerns. But, if medications helped to achieve that then he did not have borderline personality disorder because personality disorders cannot be helped with meds. From the sounds of it, he very likely has a mood disorder along with psychotic features, which is very treatable with meds. Best of luck!
March 12th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Wow, when I found this site, it really opened my eyes up to what I went through with my ex. Married for 6 years, and divorced now for 8. I have since remarried to a wonderful lady who is not a psycho. But my PEW… what a piece of work. I get so many letters from her, complaining about this or that, and I got to the point where I pretty much ignore her.
I have a 9 year old son now who I share joint custody and guardianship in an ongoing week on/off fashion. It cost me several hundred thousand dollars to get there, but well worth it - cuz I get to be with my son. Here’s a sample paragraph from a recent letter from her, regarding what gets written in his school planner:
Last week on my access, I noticed you had blocked off 2 complete dates with extensive
writing preventing Lars recording his teacher’s homework instructions to me. Please use the page on the right, during your access, for written communication with the teacher(appropriate for the planner), allowing our son to record communication for his parents about his homework/school notices as instructed by the teacher.
A copy of your notation was given to the teacher and a copy sent to you in our shared notebook Sunday. Please refrain from writing on the student composition area of the planner. Your statement that our son attends kickboxing 5 times a week is exaggerated and would be contrary to the bone surgeon’s recommendation for activity without orthotic use.
—
What a moron. You guys are not alone out there! Just ignore the PEW and get on with your lives. Otherwise she will continue to rule you, and your life will suck. My life sucks no more! Hurray!
March 25th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Thanks to all who have written here.
It does help to know others have ex partners like mine.
i can recognise strategies and maybe predict some now.
Be prepared!!!
It also saddens me to hear about all your sufferings.
I try to show compassion and love when my ex is in reasonable mode, and hope it heals, or encourages ‘nice’behavior.
I will not engage is negative exchanges. I just refuse to play! Trying to set a precedent and hope i set a good example she may follow. Sounds arrogant on my part? But conflict damages me as well. it’s draining. I try to keep contact to a minimum and remain calm. That tires me as well! lol.
I will not badmouth her in front of children, and always reasure them their mother loves them. I feel my best course of action is to provide stability and calm in the face of irrational behaviour. Give my children as much love and care as possible.
Try to remember my ex is suffering and unhappy. It can’t be much fun to behave like that. Nothing I can do about it though. She refuses to acknowledge she has a problem. I can only persevere and show concern, and hope.
I’m pleased to find this site, and note the issues are treated as transgender as I believe they are. Too many sites are fathers rights only or feminist propaganda. Both encourage the politics of hate and mistrust which is not constructive.
I feel I can admit here that I am probably borderline as well, and this was probably the tragic attraction between us. But obviously I’m nowhere near as mad as she is!! LOL.
Very sad for everyone really.
I still believe that love, understanding, and empathy goes a long way, and some need medication as well.
Try to see your own flaws (we all have them OK) no one is perfect, but don’t beat yourself up about it. You need to be strong and fit, for your loved ones.
Look after your own mental and physical health first. Then try again when you feel able to cope.
My Christianity has helped a lot. Even if you are not a Christian, try reading the book of Job. It certainly struck a chord with me. Even from a non religious view, it represents wisdom of the ages, and I’m sure you will find something to relate to. Hope it helps.
Remember you were in love with the crazy person once. They just drained you. Or did you drain each other?
April 15th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Its good to know we arent alone, but we never seem to win an inch. My husbands ex continues to drive drunk with the kids and is able to beat us down in court with complete lies.BOTH judges scolded her alcoholis and driving drunk but leaves teh kids with her. She has kept the house in my husbands name on the brink of foreclosure so we cant move and the judge wont enforce the ruling she re-finance. We are so lost and need help….
April 19th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
My husband and I are very frustrated about how to prove that his ex wife has BPD, or that she is a “Borderline.” She lies so much about things (us and other things) that she literally has no concept of what the truth is anymore. She always views and explains herself to others as the victim of everything in life. She makes accusations, seems paranoid, and thrives on the attention she gets from being dramatic. She rushes the children to the emergency room when they literally just have the sniffles and a common cold. She suggests to the doctors that maybe medications or surgeries are needed when the children just have a common ailment like a sore throat. She has accused me of punching her, threatening her, tampering with her mail, damaging her car, giving her “evil grins” as well as flipping her off and trying to run her off the road. She has filed several false police reports again me, had DHS in our home based on a ridiculous and almost laughable allegation, and get this…SHE filed a no contact order against…um, ME. ?? I want nothing to do with this woman. But, she makes it almost impossible not to have dealing with her. I had to hire my own $300/hr. attorney to get her off my back. She doesn’t do physical things to me, or confronting things, she ACCUSES me and files reports, and spreads rumors to harass the heck out of me. Hey, sticks and stones right? But, this gets very tiring, especially after 5 years. She has accused my husband of being a drunk, telling her what to do, cussing at her, being addicted to internet porn..You name it! She has even accused my own kids of things.
She is remarried with 2 more children. She has Crohns disease and is in and out of the hospital and on medications constantly. The children tell us that she is always having break downs or what they call, “Crying fits.” My youngest (10) bonus son does a very comical demonstration of it on our kitchen floor curled up in the fetal position, crying and wailing. (It’s actually not funny at all.) The kids tell us that she is either yelling and angry, or crying in a ball on the floor. If they ask for a little more time with us, she makes them feel guilty and tells them they don’t love her and that they are breaking her heart.
The boys say that she frequently makes them take care of and even discipline her 2 children with her new husband (their brothers) who are just 1 and 3 yrs. old. She apparently tells them she just needs a break and goes in her room and cries, so they have to watch the babies. Their step father is apparently intimidating to them. They report being scared of the guy and say that he can be nice, but he mostly yells, cusses and sometimes even hits them in the back of the head when he’s angry enough. Apparently, he “flicks” the 3 year old in the forehead when he’s being naughty and cusses at him. The boys tell us their 3 year old brother walks around saying, “F” you. Nice.
Problem is, my oldest bonus son is 14 and can make a decision here in our state to move with us. But, as much as he really wants to, he is terrified to face his mom about this. So, for now he stays with her in misery. Even worse, is that he is flunking out of school, and has been making some very poor choices of friends lately that has gotten him into some trouble. His mother has no rules for him, never supervises anything and lets him do what he wants. We are very worried for his future. At conference time, (his mother did not go), he had almost all F’s. My youngest bonus child begs to live with us, but he is only 10 and the courts likely won’t listen to him. It’s so sad we can’t do anything to help. My husband has tried and tried again to speak with their mom about the problems, but she will not communicate at all. He finally sent her a few letters begging her to talk to him about the kids issues and she ignored them too. He sent her a letter once about the oldest son’s grades and asked her to find him a tutor in their city. When she got the letter, the boys told us she dropped to her knees and started sobbing and blaming him for failing school and causing her stress. (??)
We have watched his oldest son go from confident and outgoing, to withdrawn and depressed. He also has been telling some real whopper lies about almost everything, and we think he may be being bullied in school. (Hubby has already gone to the Principal.) Ugh. It’s a mess.
With us, the boys would have so much stability, and we really feel they would be better off. They agree! But, like I said my oldest BS is just too scared to face mom. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage and they are very good friends with their step brothers, so they would love to have them here also more often. We would even keep paying her $$ if she would just let the kids do what they want to right now. My husband and I have consulted our attorney and are thinking of just going for the modification anyway. Might as well try.
Wish the courts were easier to convince. So frusrating… So Expensive…So draining!
May 14th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Well i am the phyco ex my husband and i broke up cause i constanly had issues and wrong ideas and accused him of me not bein enough even though in my heart i now he loved me and still does. Got 2 the point i told him 2 leave cause i didnt think he was bein honest even though i was the reason he couldnt b. He is still the love of my life and im in councelin 2 sort myself out i just dont think he new how 2 show a mum thats tired and had lost her mum and he worked long hrs without contact how important she was. We still need 2 b wined and dined and appreciated just like any girl and shown though more then words. At the same time i was so crytical i think he was sad that i couldnt b the woman he married i love my kids and my family and im tired of feelin insecure which is where my problem started i was so amazed that the guy i loved actually loved me i became stupid and couldnt c he felt the same way. We just stopped communiacting i still want him back and didnt want him 2 leave but it must have been easy after livin with me. I hope i can win him back and its nice 2 know im not stupid just mixed up and lettin my mind instead of my heart guide me. I know if i just let go and b my fun self hel b back in 2 second thanks for this site
June 9th, 2009 at 11:48 am
All these posts are truly fear inspiring. Its amazing to think that so many human beings can turn into something so inhuman. My husbands PEG is getting dangerous now. When we got married over a year ago, less than a month later she stopped my husband seeing his 3yr old daughter and made up allegations of sexual abuse, made the 3yr old go through an intimate medical examination to try and prove abuse that she knew she, the mother, had made up, made up more and more allegations, got the child to ring up to say she didnt want to see him ever again, etc. But things took a sinister turn when she took the child, with her latest boyfriend, and did a runner abroad, bought a bar and set up home. Unfortunately, the boyfriend wanted to leave her and come home to his family because of her behaviour…he ended up dead the next day. She was forced to return here and the child was made a ward of the court and taken from her at the airport and given to my husband and me. That was almost 5 months ago. Now we have this crazy person to deal with constantly, who is now shouting and screaming at us in the street in front of the child when we go to pick her up from her mother’s. An inquest into the boyfriend’s death is ongoing, as she has now given 4 different versions of how he “died”. My heart breaks when I think of what my stepdaughter has been through and is going through now when she is having contact at her mother’s house. She comes back and says all they ever talk about is her dad. Thank you for this website. It really is good to know that others out there know what it feels like to experience a PEW/PEG and that they are surviving and getting on with their lives. Gives us hope. Thanks also for all the practical advice too. Good luck to you all.
June 29th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Hi Mr. M. Your story is almost exactly the same as what my boyfriend is going through–same cast of characters and everything. We call our bpd The Black Hole” or just “Jackass”.
The thing I am having such a hard time with is the roller coaster ride. If we have a period of quiet inactivity BH must punish my non by creating some kind of catastrophe that results in her blaming him for some imaginary thing that he either did to their three year old son or some imaginary thing that he failed to do to their three year old son.
He has been steadly kicking her ass in court over the last three years (the goal is to get 50/50) and she must punish him every time he claims a victory. These punishments always come in the form of accusations of harming the baby.
Good luck to everyone who is dealing with this. My non and I are both Buddhists and this has really tested our beliefs and outlook on life. Despite all the nonsense, we have managed to carve out a little place of happiness.
June 29th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
While I understand the need to share your experiences for others to see they’re not alone, I can’t help but wonder if this site is helpful to you personally. I had a friend go through a painful separation with her BPD boyfriend, and read up a lot on the disease to try to help her get through it. Everywhere I read, the advice was to make a clean hard and permanent break, and if children are involved, make whatever contact is necessary to facilitate visitation etc. but otherwise refrain from all contact. Basically just keep the person out of your life and your thoughts as much as humanly possible so you can focus on healing yourself. I realize her constant legal squabbles with you make this difficult, but by revisiting and deeply analyzing every subsequent attack she makes on you, are you just endlessly picking a scab?
June 29th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Mike, make no mistake about this… maintaining this site has done wonders for my own peace-of-mind and given us the opportunity to help others. My relationship with DW has never been better and, despite the challenges that have been thrown our way (PEW-related or otherwise), we manage to lead very happy lives together with our respective children. Sometimes we wonder how the hell we manage it all!
There are times where looking back can sometimes be a drag, but they are few and far between. It helps me to avoid making the same mistakes again in the future.
July 27th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Wow, i’ve found a group I can relate to. My wife and I are dealing with a horrible ex wife, and this site shows me I am not alone at all. My major troubles started once my ex found out I was re-marrying. My wife and I were married on 7-7-07. I’ve been dragged thru the family court system for you name it, and for the most part things have not gone her way. She and her new hubby have popped out two more kids since ‘07, and are now after me for more child support. Prior to the child support increase desires she has, she lied about numerous things to try and lessen my visitation. I will be back soon to share more and gain knowledge from you all who have been through what i’m dealing with.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
I just came across your site, wow. I don’t even know what to say I’ve been abused mentally, emotionaly, verbally for now nearly 4 years. I can’t get away from it, I’ve never filed any additional charges since my divorce ended in October of 2006. I was married for nearly 13 year, happy year I thought we had 3 girls and our last girl in June of 2003. My then wife met a much older man, had an affiar and decided that she was no longer happy married to me, she wanted a divorce. I was absolutly devistated, by the treatment I’ve received from her since has been far worse. I feel like no one will ever really understand. I honestly don’t know what to do it’s absolute hell on earth. I’m re-married since December of 08. I honestly want so badley to just be left alone but I can’t get a single bit of piece. All the best to those who know where I’m coming from.
August 30th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Wow,
I can’t believe there are other people going through this hell.
I just reliezed what is wrong with my ex-to-be. I have been searching for 10+ years to find the answer to all of this.
I believed that I somehow posessed the key but just couldn’t find it.
My wife and I went to many therapists over 10 years and I could never get an answer about what was wrong with her.
She was constantly in anger about minor issues which were sometimes 15 years old and could never find resolve.
Even though I didn’t do anything wrong, I would ask her to forgive me hoping that would somehow fix things.
She had me arrested with false statments to police 2 years ago claiming domestic violence.
I was never charged of course because there wasn’t evidence to support her lies.
She filed 2 restraining orders against me taking my children away from me for months at a time.
She dissapeared last summer and I found her in a psychiatric facility in Arizona. 35 days later after $40,000 of treatment she threw me out of my house again.
She claims I am an alcoholic,abusive and had affairs with other women during our marriage.
This is crazy. I loved my wife and our children to much to screw things up. They were my life like my parents who have been married for 55 years.
I am currently in a divorce with her with 4 children.
Their ages are 5,5,11 and 15.
I have spent over $200,000 in this divorce and am currently in a custody evaluation. I believe the evaluator has seen what I have been going through!
Over the past 2 months and during this evaluation my wife has:
1.Had the police over to her house 3 times because of the problems she faces with the children dealing with her.
2.Tried to have me arrested for domestic violence at one of our child exchanges.
3.Tried to have me arrested for stolen property which of course I never touched or was anywhere near.
4. Put a hidden video camera in my bedroom and tried to blackmail me with photos of me nude.She sent video to evaluator. I called police and my wife is currently under investigation with the DA for “invasion of privacy”.
All this in front of evaluator! She feels immune and fears no consequences.
Over the years, abnormal became normal to me. I kept talking to family and friends to keep sane and reliezed it was her and not me. I am the kind of person who will look at myself first to see if I did anything wrong. I am a fair man!
Thank you for reading and if you have anything that helps, please e-mail me @ kevkinney@comcast.net.
Take care all and the best of luck through this dark forest.
September 13th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Wow. My ex passed away a couple of years ago due to complications of her diabetes that she decided to stop monitoring. I can relate to many of these stories. We separated and I moved to an apartment nearby. If I would forget to lock the door, I was subject to having her barge in at night, refuse to leave, wake the kids up if they were staying with me that night and rant about how mean Daddy was forcing Mommy to leave.
Her rages seemed to work like clockwork. Every evening at about 9 or 10 PM she would become agitated. She was diagnosed BPD around 2001 after her second 5150 (california code for a involuntary psych commit).
While she was in DBT she also had a psychiatrist who I blame for making the situation much worse. He had her on a cocktail of drugs which he kept changing and adjusting the dosages. She could never seem to get herself regulated because as soon as things would settle down, that quack would change her dosage or take her off something to put her on something else and she would go unstable again for a while. He was constantly fiddling with her meds which made things MUCH worse. Her therapist finally convinced her to change psychiatrists who took her off of all the meds save one. And even THAT was traumatic and resulted in another 5150 during the period when she was readjusting.
My advice to anyone in a relationship with someone formally diagnosed BPD is run, fast, and take the kids with you. Don’t be a hero. You very probably don’t have the skills required to deal with it. I tried for 5 years after diagnosis and it was a living hell.
December 10th, 2009 at 12:31 am
another satisfied reader….what a site! Help! I’m involved with a wonderful man and his wonderful children and unfortunately the “ex wife”. all of the above applies. she’s been arrested, jailed, stalked us, blah blah blah…now she just bad mouths me to the kids and the kids are so confused because we really get along wonderfully. Do i run like hell or stick this out and try to make a go with this relationship? I’m single no children but to live another 10+ years till the kids are legal scares me to death! Please help someone. My inner feelings tell me to move on…but i truly love him.
-Theresa
December 10th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Theresa, I hate to say it, but I recommend “run like hell.” When you become a parent, I think you’ll be thankful. In this situation, your future bio-children will be exposed to this, will feel the stress of it, will hear their parents bad-mouthed (second-hand), may be resented by their half-siblings, and will make direct sacrifices because of the cost of legal battles. “Love” is a choice. Listen to the inner voice.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:27 am
For anyone who loves their childre: It has been almost 27 years since my divorce; my psycho ex-wife has long had custody of the children, and now the children are emotional misfits or basketcases.
She is Bi-Polar. (Wild mood swings, from extreme irratability to major suicidal depression.)
I paid child support all these years. I was even homeless for a while, because I could not aford to pay child support AND live indoors. I was terrified of her abuse of the children, and excuses her sister’s abuse of our children.
She often refused to let me see the children because she knew I would report signs of abuse. Eventually she wouldn’t let me have contact with them at all. She went into hiding. Years later, I flew thousands of miles, three times, to see the children because she indicated that I could. And three times it was a wasted effort.
My advice to anyone in a similiar situation: Do whatever you can to get custody. Legal by all means. But if the court is so prejudiced against you, and the lies are insurmountable….use all extra-legal means. The safety of your children is paramount.
Your children’s mental health depend on it. I have had recent contact with my children, and all three are now exhibiting the same irrationalities, moodiness, and sick attitudes as my poor ex-wife.
All her five sisters divorced on the “family plan.” They agreed to divorce if the others did. All of this family is deeply disturbed, and all have many of the same syptoms of a mood disorder. They have had multiple divorces each, yet can never admit that perhaps the problem lies with themselves.
In any case. Do what you can to intercede. Do it as early as possible. I took her to court three times. Each time the court increased my visitation rights, and each time she ignored the court order.
Her main twisted logic is that she didn’t abuse the children or do any other thing wrong, but when confronted with the irrefutable truth she immediately excuses the behavior as normal.
Now my poor children are all mentally ill, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I have always been law abiding. Forget that. The children are more important.
.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
I agree with the previous by any means necessary.
My mother had two babies after me that both died and she refuses to give a cause of death to me about them. My father died without saying much out loud but I have his letters and they indicate that reckless callous disregard for the babies caused their deaths. I was abducted by her and then abandoned to the care of her parents and her disabled and pedophilic brother.
When she took back custody of me after various attempts to pawn me off, she did the minimum rent and groceries. Clothing came from thrift stores mostly from my ‘allowance’. I worked for extra money from age 10, cleaning houses, shovelling snow artists model. That money unless I spent it on junk food could be spent only on items she approved of, in her company.
Myself I was a nude model by age 12 working for $5 an hour and burgers, and the horror stories continue up to today where she is telling the world that I am BPD, splitting and seriously ill because I am insisting on her getting help or no contact for her to my son or me.
My father for many understandable reasons, totally failed me and let her have her way. He is dead now and I have lived all my life as an orphan since she is not even vaguely resembling a person you’d like to be friends with much less your parent or grandparent - I don’t want to expose my child to her.
Please folks, keep fighting for your kids, every time I meet someone who says they are fighting for custody I think that their kids are very lucky. Somebody is trying their best for that kid. None of us is perfect parents or otherwise but when we let mean people have their way with our kids, we really fail 100%.
December 23rd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Hi - I try to stay below the radar because I really want the family to gel (3 of mine,3 of his) but I just can’t resist posting giving the sturm and dramm of the holidays.
In full disclosure - I am afraid I may have been a psycho wife during my first marriage. I loved my husband, but married him on the rebound and tried to create the life I felt would make us both happy for 20 years through 3 children. We divorced, and I think I’m the best ex-wife ever - no child support requested (except for 40% of college for 2 of 3), always nice, really like his girlfriend/now fiance.
But my husband of almost 2 years has a totally PEW. She blames me for the end of the perfect marriage (even though she told him years ago that she wisehed he had died in the WTC disaster which we were both in - that is just wrong!), and she refers to me as the B-word - even posted my telephone number with that name for the children to see.
Constantly out of money (even though he gave her so much hs lawyer made him sign a letter saying he couldn’t come back with litigants’ remorse and sue her because he gave her so much), but what resonates the most is the drama - every birthday (including hers) every holiday, reverys to how he screwed her and the kids by ruining their world.
He is one of the world’s genuine nice guys. I guess my question is, how do you help him retrain/reboot and develop a tougher skin to stem the pain?
January 16th, 2010 at 12:01 am
[...] The site is intended to help people in similar situations. I have always felt like no one really knew or quite understood the level of chaos that had existed in my life, and this is a way to express it all without burdening personal friends and family with such horrors … Read More [...]
March 6th, 2010 at 12:16 am
some dudes just need to have a good laugh. my ex had her discovery yesterday and the day before she took onion/cheese buns to my lawyers office for a snack durring the “little get together” i did not attend the shindig but i feel bad now that i didnt bring anything to mine, oh which by the way was a blast !!!! oh ya hmm i wonder why during her discovery her lawyer prevented her to speak of the abuse she suffered and she actually had her story published in a magazine in our area hmm !! beleive me buds theres alot more !!!