Why Our Sons Will Struggle for Discipline & Responsibility
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Before the email below was sent to PEW, I looked at DW and told her what I expected the response to be. Sadly, I was correct almost to the letter and it makes me sick.
S1 has, on occasion, been a disciplinary problem at school. He sometimes will lack the self-control to appropriately handle escalating situations which has invariably resulted in physical confrontations. The Psycho Ex-Wife’s almost complete inability to discipline the children has led to instilling them with a complete lack of self-discipline, self-awareness, respect for others, and responsibility for their actions while in her care. I hold the children accountable for their actions and a situation like this rarely occurs during my custody period.
When I was relegated to non-custodial parent status, during the school year I was on the every other weekend basic schedule. I did get extra time during breaks, holidays, summer, etc. When these issues came up at school, PEW’s brand of discipline was picking up the phone and calling me to do it over the phone. Often, when asked for suggestions on punishment, I would make suggestions which would then be ignored. Very often, S1 didn’t get punished at all by PEW and I just wasn’t going to be phone-disciplinarian and be set up like so many fathers before me as “the bad guy who was solely responsible for meting out discipline.”
I can remember one year, not sure if it was last year or the year before, S1 had been involved in 6 or 7 physical confrontations (1-way or 2-way) in the first 4-months of the school year. It wasn’t going to get better and so I intervened. The normal level of discipline for these non-injury physical altercations at school was recess suspension. You lost recess for one day. I had a sit-down with S1 where I explained my near-zero-tolerance policy which would punish any physical altercation except those where there was clear and convincing evidence that he had no choice but to defend himself. I knew the risk associated with that definition would be attempts to make any confrontation one of self-defense, but I simply didn’t want to put him in a position to get bullied by others, either. By the way, I should add that S1’s size makes him look years beyond his actual age of 9 and probably the biggest child in his age group by a good measure. As I felt that a single day’s recess was ineffective at deterring his behavior, I told S1 that from here on out, I was instructing the teachers that the number of recesses that will be suspended for each ensuing altercation would match the number of altercations he’s had for the year. Plus, there would also be discipline on the home front. That would mean since we had 6 altercations already at the time, the next one would result in 7-days of recess suspension. The one after that would result in 8-days recess suspension. And so on. Well, his reaction was shock and disbelief and crying - so I knew I had chosen a good one. PEW, when she heard of my plan from S1, promptly called me and freaked out that I was unfair and run a “boot camp” and so on. Ask me how many more physical confrontations S1 was involved in that year? If you guessed ZERO, you would be correct.
During this past summer, when I had full custody - I don’t recall there being any physical confrontations at summer camp. Since the entire custody arrangement has since changed to 50/50 year-round - until yesterday - there had been no physical confrontations at school.
Tuesday, during a non-sensical escalation with a peer over a shamrock ring which belongs to S1, he was pushed or punched in the chest. The description he gave me was that while attempting to deflect blows and retreat, he hit the other kid in the face. My conclusion given the other details was that he failed to recognize things were escalating and didn’t do a good enough job to avoid it getting physical and would therefore be punished. No yelling. No screaming. No finger wagging. Just a short sit-down discussion about what happened and what the consequences would be.
They would be stiff (for a 9-year old). In this day-and-age, things going on at school will often be dealt with by imposing unusually harsh punishments and my child will not grow up to be a bully like his mother and his Aunt PP if I have anything to do with it. I wonder if the children’s experiences in seeing how their mother and aunt deal with situations has any bearing on their responses and reactions? Coincidence? I think not.
So, given that this is a situation that, according to my boundaries, is a matter of enough significance to warrant keeping PEW informed, I reluctantly send an email last night which confirms the Easter weekend details (unrelated) and informs her of this situation. Now I know you won’t be shocked by the reply, but I still want to make mention that this is the person who you see and will continue to see pontificate about “co-parenting” about which I allegedly have “no clue.”
PEW,
For Easter weekend, I will pick them up on Monday morning. Please let me know what time is appropriate.
Today, when I picked up S1 from aftercare, I was informed that there was an “incident” where S1 was involved in a physical altercation with another boy. No one was hurt. S1 was apparently pushed, punched, and/or poked… S1 hit the other boy in the face. All were apparently inconsequential blows.
However, I’ve been very clear with S1 that there is a zero-tolerance policy regarding physical confrontations at school.
His punishment is a loss of snack for tonight and he will not be attending the scout hike this weekend. If the scout hike is postponed, it will remain the punishment for the rescheduled date. It is my hope that if it happens to be rescheduled during your custody time, you will honor the punishment.
~LM
Readers, feel free to give me some honest feedback. I believe that this is a more than appropriate consequence for the action in question. The email is straightforward, clear, and looks for support and buy-in from PEW. S1 values his time and activities at Cub Scouts greatly. This weekend was a family hike with some specific activities (which can be made up later, I already contacted the Leader) - and now we aren’t going. Obviously, fighting with others at school violates the basic tenets of Cub Scouts. S1 was upset, but I explained to him that the punishment needs to be memorable enough for him to really make him think twice before engaging in any fights at school - and that the discipline will only be greater if these actions continue. I could tell he was holding back tears, but it was also clear he understood and even said so, if only to satisfy my desire to see him accept responsibility.
Here is PEW’s buy-in:
LM,
Why didn’t you have S1 tell me about this on the phone last night? I AM PISSED that you took away the hike of all things. What exactly is he learning by missing a cub scout hike? I think you did that for yourself not him. Cub scouts is a “learning” activity AND the hike an opportunity for physical exersize. Maybe if they HAD anything at your house that they actually enjoy, you WOULD have something worth taking away. You are totally determined to screw these boys up aren’t you? Just when I start thinking you might be “OK” you do something like this. It’s just never going to be over is it?
I’ll be calling aftercare today to find out what happened. And I’ll be calling to talk to S1 tonight because I want to hear it from him NOT YOU.
As for S2, why did you send him to school when he’s obviously still sick? Are you going to take him to the Doctor?
As for Easter Monday, I’ll meet you in the parking lot my work at 8:30.
~PEW
Now, we all know why I didn’t discuss it with her on the phone. Further, if she was interested in more than placating his obsession with professional wrestling, which was most of their discussion from what I could hear as I was taking care of cleaning up after dinner, she might have seen fit to ask him about his school day. She didn’t. Certainly S1 was unlikely to volunteer that information of his own accord. I contacted her appropriately and did so via email after the children were in bed. I even avoiding suggesting that his reactions to adverse situations may actually be influenced by professional wrestling. He spends so much time watching it and admiring these guys. Look at how they respond to situations. Look at how he reacts. Coincidence? I think not.
You’ll notice that she also brings something into the discussion which has no place on the topic covered, something that has been and will be an eternal struggle when discussing anything with PEW. Obviously still sick? Other than a runny nose, he was fine and looked forward to going back to school. Further, how did she come to this conclusion over the phone? Dr. PEW has truly missed her calling with her innate ability to diagnose illnesses from afar.
I didn’t respond to her latest angry diatribe. This is just another reason why co-parenting is impossible with a spouse who has a personality disorder of this seriousness. Her obsession with fighting me at every turn on any subject precludes any meaningful co-parenting. It is why I primarily practice parallel parenting. PEW is just completely incapable of seeing any situation more deeply than deflecting blame, keeping the children happy and fond of her no matter the cost, and finding any excuse to escalate a situation that doesn’t meet her warped sense of what is fair, real, or appropriate.
In keeping with open communication with teachers, I sent S1’s teacher the following warning yesterday morning:
Mrs. S1Teacher,
S1 had an incident at aftercare yesterday. Needless to say, he is unhappy with the consequences for his actions and is in a bit of a sour mood this morning.
I told him that he needs to “shake it off” and be able to concentrate on his work today.
I wanted to “tip you off” in the event there is any problems - you’ll know why. Don’t hesitate to let me know if he is/was unable to set it aside in order to concentrate on school work or participation today.
Sincerely,
LM
Shortly thereafter, I got a reply.
Hi Mr. LM,
S1 actually already came to me to tell me what happened. I explained to him that whatever his consequences are is your decision. I mentioned to him that same as you that he needs to concentrate on his work today and deal with the decisions that were made. I will let you know how he makes out today.
Thanks for the heads up!
Mrs. S1Teacher
Both the boys’ teachers are pretty great, especially this one. I’m certain that S1 is looking for sympathy from anyone for his plight. Eventually, he’ll get that from PEW and the mixed messages that he is getting from both of his parents will continue to cross him up. She’ll put on that sickening “whiny voice” and tell him that none of this is his fault, dad is a big meanie, and probably promise to buy him several toys in order to place herself high upon the pedestal in her sons’ eyes. It will completely undermine me and do absolutely no good for S1.
Carrying on with the latest email barrage after my no-futher-contact position, I get this:
LM,
I am not done with you about this hike thing. S1 needs the hike toward earning his Bear Badge…..everyone else will be earning it and get it at the same time and you are punishing S1 because you don’t feel like hiking Saturday, so he’ll be the only kid in his Den NOT getting his badge and widdling chip. That is not an appropriate consequence or punishment for what happened at aftercare. Think of something else.
~PEW
This, too, will not receive a reply.
As I’ve already mentioned, this is not the case. I’ve contacted the Den Leader to ensure that his earning his badge is not at risk nor his ability to attain his whittling chip. I did so without informing him of why he will not be in attendance. I simply told him “something has come up” and he may not be in attendance in order to find out if these items were in jeopardy. Truth be told, if it was the case, I’d have chosen some other significant event to use as there are several coming up. I can use this Saturday to continue to teach him how his behavior has consequences (good and bad). We can go on a family hike and I can teach him appropriate pocket-knife handling, storage, and usage.
Notice her ongoing disconnect between S1’s behavior and how it violates the basic rules & laws of the pack. She just doesn’t get it. She never has. She never will. To her, getting the chip & badge is of paramount importance, no matter whose ass S1 has to kick to get them. I didn’t ask and don’t know, but I’m sure if the den leader found out he was involved in a “fight” at school, his ability to attain these rewards might be in jeopardy whether he went on the hike or not.
Notice that she continues to be completely incapable of even suggesting what she thinks is appropriate disciplinary action. It’s always someone else’s responsibility. “Think of something else.” “I’m not done with you.”
Guess what, PEW? You are done with me you because I said so. Unless you come and kidnap the children during my custody time and manage to elude the authorities long enough to take him hiking yourself (which she won’t do) - this will be the consequence for his action.
In closing out this post, when I picked up S1 from after-school care, he was in a much better place. He was excitedly telling me about how he made the right decision today. Long-story short, he was faced with another potential physical confrontation on recess. When a “friend” of his desired to have S1 put him in a wrestling move, S1 told him, “Sorry, I don’t want to get into any physical confrontations.” The kid asked him if he was a wimp before shoving him into a bike rack unexpectedly. He actually has a nice big bruise on his hip. He didn’t strike back. He removed himself from the situation even amid apparent chants to “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT” from a gathering crowd. Some witnesses had already moved to report the incident to a teacher and guess who was sent down to the principal’s office? Not S1! (Story confirmed.) It all went down just like I told him it would. He was very pleased with himself.
On the walk to the van and the ride home, I repeatedly told him how proud I was of his handling of the situation today. He even said, “Yeah, I was kind of hoping this would mean I could go on the hike this weekend!”
Me: “No, that won’t be what it means, but S1, I’m still really proud of the way you handled the situation today, really I am.”
S1: “Darn. Okay.”
We carried on our discussion a little further and I told him, “S1, one thing you aren’t is a wimp. You know you’re much bigger than anyone else in your class. The fact is, you could very likely throttle the snot out of anybody who might challenge you. Just because of that, you will be challenged. Avoid it if you can.” I went on to explain that the low tolerance of schools nowadays results in kids being kicked out of school for all kinds of seemingly silly reasons. If that was to happen to him, we would all have a lot bigger problems to deal with in terms of finding a place for him to go to school… and so on. I reiterated the “no choice self-defense” exception while clearly explaining what that entails.
Here’s hoping a few things:
1 - He remembers the punishment that has been handed down as a deterrent to future problems with physical confrontations at school.
2 - He remembers how things went down today when he didn’t retaliate. Him - no trouble. The other kid - trouble. Dad - proud and praising.
3 - PEW doesn’t undermine the lessons that seem to be being learned and understood this week.
I expected more PEW harassment by the time bedtime was reached last night, but it didn’t materialize. I can only imagine what “I’m not done with you yet on this” means. Here’s hoping it’s not an emergency hearing to have the judge allow S1 to go on that hike Saturday.
Don’t laugh.
March 13th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Dear god, she gives me a headache. It must be in the PEW handbook to be thoroughly incompetent at handling discipline and to pawn it off onto the father, even via phone, to pick up their slack. It certainly does the kids no favors, but oh yeah, the kids are the last concern of the PEW’s.
March 13th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Wow - you did a great job of handling all of that! Kudos to you for your effective discipline of your son and your restraint in handling PEW. I am still practicing low-contact in my relationship with my PNW (heh, Psycho New Wife) and I feel better than I have in a really long time. She is still trying, but when I only answer with short sentences such as “Thank you for the update.”, it obviously takes the wind out of her sails.
March 13th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Does anyone else recognize that yesterday’s potential situation was initiated by someone desirous to have a wrestling moved performed on him?
It wasn’t lost on me.
A normal person would recognize that these kids are going to potentially emulate their “idols” and seriously injure someone. The move in question would very likely have injured the boy requesting it.
If I were to bring this reality up to PEW, she would probably still argue about how the “action figures are flying off the shelf and it’s popular and all the other kids watch it!!!”
Idiot.
I guess emergency room visits, injuries, and deaths as a result of this kind of activity wouldn’t sway her, either.
March 13th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
You handled this situation perfectly. I’m constantly impressed with your level-headedness. Discovered that our biomom had stepdad do all the disciplining because it was his role as the father figure in the house. Well now we know that she ignores all punisments (groundings) given to the kids. She tells them, “be sure to be in the house before your stepfather gets home from work so he doesn’t know you were playing!” Well needless to say he busted her. And now he won’t discipline them at all. I don’t blame him. However in our house we have a zero tolerance policy too. And we follow through with our punishments. But truthfully the hitting that happens at their mother’s, doesn’t happen here. (Just like you said, it’s a rare in your home too.) The cussing, and “I hate you” we haven’t heard, EVER. They just know that there are rules in our home and that we are serious about them. We’re not their friends, we are their parents!!
March 14th, 2008 at 2:31 am
If it’s any consolation I thought your punishment was very fair. As a custodial stepmom to an almost sixteen-year-old (who was 13 months old when his dad and I started dating), I can assure you that the kids figure this stuff out. This lesson you taught him will stick with him much longer than any disneyland mom gifts his mom will try to bribe him with.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:04 am
Christine - we know that they figure it out. My problem is - they also figure out when they can get away with stuff - and that’s 50% of the time (when with her).
That’s a LOT of time to screw up because you’ll try things knowing that there is a severe lack of (or complete absence of) meaningful discipline.
This is one of my many fears.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I think you were spot on with the punishment and also not renigging after the better behavior. Follow through it SOO important. Thanks for providing such a good model for the rest of us to look at.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:36 am
I just stumbled upon your page, and decided that rather than to judge based on the title and seemingly Mommy-Bashing content, i would take the time to read your last three blog entries. In this instance, I side completely with you on your punishment tactics and obivously you have already seen the results of your good works. As far as the rest… All I can say is, three bog entries doesn’t tell me your whole history, and everyone deserves the right to vent, but you are a little childish and provoking in your communications or lack thereof with the woman of whom you made the choice to have these children with, and are therefore stuck having to deal with until their age of maturity (more likely much longer!) I don’t relate with anyone who cannot comply to simple communications, especially where something as important as children are is involved. So, perhaps she DOES just ACHE for your attention… Which it seems that you have moved on to another personal relationship, so clearly your ex wife knows that things are over between you… Her concerns seem to me to be genuine motherly concerns, that warrant a response from you when the children are in your care and she has no other (convenient) way of checking in on them. It seems more to me, that… like most men… you enjoy bathing in your own ego, and convincing yourself that she only contacts you because she wants your attention or to “hear your voice…” PLEASE! Get over yourself! You sound just like my egotistical ex, whom… while he knows without error how to MANIPULATE THE HELL OUT OF ANY WOMAN in order to gain their attention, has absolutely NO other attractive qualities… including the fact that he is physically and finacially neglectful of his own child. As I say… I am judging off of three entries only, there may be and likely is much I don’t know… but you are not making the situation any better with your own immature tactics of self-gratification and failure to communicate with her.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Well then I would suggest that you come back and read a bit more history rather than the last three blog entries, one of which was an unsent “vent” email.
Perhaps once you see how I’ve been left with little choice than to go with low/no contact due to a complete inability to communicate with PEW, you might see things a little differently.
Frankly, take out the “fantasy email” and that leaves two posts. No rational human being would find fault in this one which leaves the illness post. Given that she can call anytime in the evenings and need not harass me while I’m at work, I’m left to wonder how you came to your conclusions even with the limited sample size.
It seems more to me, that… like most men… you enjoy bathing in your own ego, and convincing yourself that she only contacts you because she wants your attention or to “hear your voice…” PLEASE! Get over yourself!
It seems to me “like most women” - you have an excuse or justification for your erratic and abusive behavior of your own and/or other women.
Would that be a fair assessment? Would you stop what you were doing at work so that you could tell your abusive ex that your child still has the same cold he had 12-hours earlier?
I appreciate the feedback, but unless you’re a bitter, psycho ex - it seems to me that your brief description of your ex-husband would be a pretty fair description for The PEW… assuming it’s even accurate.
March 14th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Telling her that you hoped she would honour the invitation was an open invitation to wade into the discussion. You already knew that.
I think to do it over, you wouldn’t/shouldn’t change a thing, save to leave that sentence out.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
That’s not a bad point, Justice. It was floated out there on the false hope that she would honor her contant reference to co-parenting and “working together” for the benefit of the children.
It was a serious situation and I was looking (foolishly) for buy-in on the outcome, knowing full-well it likely wouldn’t be coming.
Reality is that the reply was coming whether I included it or not. She doesn’t need an invitation from me to wade into the discussion. Any contact from me is usually met with something negative and hostile from her.
March 14th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
lilmizzundastood - See this is the problem with these types of situations. When you look at one event, it might very well look like we are the ones that cause problems. But when you look at the entire history, you will CLEARLY SEE that the only person that causes communication problems is the PEW.
You will see that when we have requested calls, she won’t pick up the phone or allow the children to call back (we’ve gone weeks with no call before), or she will purposely start a movie during their call so they want to get off the phone. If we do respond to her, she will call, and call, and call, and if we don’t, she will call, and call, and call, requesting normal contact that we are simply not given in return. Therefore, the entire situation isn’t normal.
We can assure you the children have been sick while in her care, with not a peep from her until they WERE HOSPITALIZED and then suddenly she was too busy to take care of her son and refused to stay in the hospital with him, and so we drove FOUR HOURS to be with him. That is Mother of the Year, Miss Communicative. The one who continued to force fast food and soda into her son while he was ILL and missed an entire week of school and ended up dehydrated, why? So she could blame LM for causing her problems. See it’s HIS fault when she misses work, taking care of her own children, poor PEW.
Unfortunately it is ALL about PEW’s hatred for LM and wanting contact. Why else would a “mother” call child protective services and the police to investigate our home and interrogate the children on the premise that we “are not normal people?” Who the fuck does that shit to their own kids? Someone who is only out to hurt and aggravate someone else without concern or a single thought as to what the children will go through. She really had no idea what the kids would have to do. Because she doesn’t think of them, period.
March 17th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
I have noticed several times that you use food as a consequence for your children. I can not express strongly enough the inappropriateness of this action. Food is not a “want.” Even when it’s not meal-time food, but snacktime food. Witholding food will only cause more problems for your son, and it doesn’t sound like he needs any more.
Not only is witholding food completely not related to S1’s actions, it is an unhealthy way to enforce rules. Allowing his blood-sugar to get irratic because of inappropriate actions on his part is completely non-sensical.
And that doesn’t even begin to address what witholding food will do to his self-worth, and future self-control.
Parenting books, pediatricians…find them. Use them. Educate yourself. You obviously care deeply for your children (although you’d probably have more energy to do so if you’d let go of your perceived “abuse” from your ex), so learn what is appropriate and what is not as punishiment.
Also, because you asked, it is understandable that you want your son to have a consequence for his actions. Taking something he cares about away (the hike) makes sense to you, I’m certain. However, you may, in the future, want to think about what being part of a pack means, not just from outside that “pack” but from inside as well. His den is counting on him as part of their team. Granted, he probably won’t be missed as much as he’d be from a baseball/basketball/other athletic team game, but still. If you treat Cub Scouts as something that you can not follow through on your commitments with, he may begin to think of it like that even when it’s not as a consequence of his actions. Just something tp think about.
March 17th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Emily, I’m not sure you are clear on what type of “food” we are withholding from S1. He doesn’t miss any meals, he gets normal portions, he simply loses extra things like sugary snacks that are only gained when the children have eaten appropriately throughout the day (ie they don’t get to eat crap when they refuse to eat normal meals) and they have acted appropriately. Sugary snacks are not what children live on, they are extras, and it’s perfectly appropriate to take these away as punishment. Our children have never gone hungry, ever, and they never will.
Further, while scouts is a pack event, it is a privilege, not a right. It is VERY important to S1, and that is exactly why the next day when he had the opportunity to again get into a physical altercation, he thought about it and walked away. I can guarantee if we had done nothing (as has been done the last 4 years by his mother) he would have again chosen to fight. It’s hard to make these choices and yes he loses in the short run, but in the long run he realizes that these types of situations have serious consequences. While I appreciate your input, I’d rather not let these issues go while giving him silly punishments like taking a toy away that he doesn’t care about, and end up with a teenager who has a criminal history because there have been no consequences in the past. All just to make sure he knows what it’s like to be part of a pack. Frankly, he needs to learn how to act appropriately in situations before he is thrown into a pack that is spending a weekend playing with knives. You can use your imagination to understand what could happen if he was angered and hadn’t yet learned to control his outbursts, all while handling a knife. These are the things we have to think about.
March 17th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Emily,
I don’t even know where to begin with your overblown reaction to what occurs in my household with regard to consequences for unacceptable behavior.
Snacks in the evening are earned based upon the children’s behaviors throughout the day. Your concerns would be very valid if we were withholding breakfast, lunch, or dinner. The loss of a piece of candy, a couple of cookies, or what-not does not rise to the level of concern you bring to the table. It simply does not. Your entire “blood-sugar erratic” argument is ludicrous beyond words.
While I don’t know your credentials as a parenting judge, I noticed a couple of things that are quite like my own PEW:
1 - You offer no suggestions on what you deem to be appropriate consequences.
2 - The alleged suffering that you believe will befall my children are unsubstantiated by any meaningful information.
As for the hike, and supporting what DW has already posted, it’s a privilege and not a right. I find it abundantly convenient for you that you would completely dismiss the fact that his actions violate the fundamental rules of Scouts and would subject him to potential suspension from Scouts. If he’s not willing to follow the rules of the pack, he has no business being there. That’s the lesson to be learned from his sanctions. His den is counting on him not to kick the shit out of his classmates in school, but clearly, that important point has been lost on your parenting advice.
Now, I’m not sure what parenting books you use, but I’d be willing to take whatever ones you’re referring to and read them to see if any of them support what you have posted here. Somehow, I doubt it.
Finally, if I had perpetrated on my PEW the things that I have detailed here, something tells me you would be calling for jailtime for me and not referring to it as “alleged abuse” - which probably goes to the core of why you have posted as you have.
I look forward to your punishment suggestions and book references.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Wow. You ask for comments, and then go ballistic on the commenter…note taken.
http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/topics/obesity/calltoaction/fact_adolescents.htm
Notice, particularly, the eighth bullet under the heading “Healthy Eating suggestions”. Further, the Surgeon General’s suggestions for “snacks” do not include your ideas of such, i.e., a piece of candy or a couple of cookies.
The USDA recommends that children the ages of your sons eat every 3-4 hours. In fact, Childcare providers, in order to be certified in any manner, must meet not only these timing recommendations, but each and EVERY snack, meal, ect. must help the child/children involved to reach the recommended Food Pyramid servings. I do not know your pediatrician, but, chances are, if you ask him or her, they will suggest that three meals a day is not beneficial to ensuring children are as healthy as they can be. Snacking is good, healthy, and recommended for children. They burn through calories at a higher rate than we adults do, they have higher energy needs, and snacking is essential to keep them functioning healthily. On a more personal level, I have found with my three children, as well as with the children I care for but have not given birth to, keeping their blood sugar even-keeled is ESENTIAL to ensuring they are better able to control their moods and choices.
As for the hiking…again, you asked for opinions. I’m sorry you were so obviously upset by my views. I also didn’t realize that you expected my input on WHAT to do…I only saw the question re whether or not “we” as readers felt that what you had done was good. I’ve been my daughters’ Girl Scout leader for years; I’ve also had the, er, wonderful experience of being a Den Leader in the Cub Scout organization for 2 years when my children were younger. I see the benefit of involvement in such programs first-hand, and commend you for ensuring that your son is involved, and for ensuring that he understands the Pack Rules. Having planned and executed so many similar activities to the hike you’ve described, I was looking at it from that standpoint as well. As a leader, you plan for the number of children and parents that will be involved. That’s not to say those plans always come to fruition the way planned, but that is what a leader hopes for. I completely understand your thoughts on not following the rules, and can see how that might work well for you as a consequence for your son’s actions. I was simply pointing out the other side of the argument; his pack depends on him, plans for him, and he has a responsibility to them as well as to himself and his family. My point was simply that treating Cub Scouts as something that can be cancelled after promises are made may not ALWAYS have the intended response. I see DW’s point that the loss of such activities helped your son resist the temptation to fight the following day, and want to say “WooHoo!” to him for that. I only offer, in my humble opinion, that withholding his involvement in something that can be seen not only as a privilege, but as a responsibility, may not ALWAYS be the best answer.
Again, you asked.
Further, I’m sorry you were upset my use of the term “alleged abuse.” It was not my intent to piss you off (although it’s interesting to me how quickly that happened), but to ensure that I was not incorrectly judging anything based on one side of a story. Your ex may very well be the Satan you describe; you, one the same hand, may be what she sees you as. Chances are neither of you is EXACTLY who you portray to others that you are, and I am simply not equipt, nor interested in, taking one side of the story as truth. I will say, however, that the anger and assumptions you show in your response are a bit indicitive of your need to have the world-at-large take your side entirely. I wonder why that is? You portray a pretty sound follow-on life to that chapter in your life; why does whether or not some random reader of your website accept your side of a story as absolute bother you so much? I don’t matter. Really.
March 19th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Emily,
I appreciate you coming back and offering something of substance. I must say, I do find your assessment that I went “ballistic” not unusual for someone who is challenged on their generalities and judgements. Additionally, your assessment that the occasional skipped snack will somehow throw the children’s blood-sugar out of whack is unnecessarily hysterical and overstated.
Of course I asked for feedback. If your expectation was that you would be able to come in here, make your generalizations and overstatements of reality and not be challenged was a miscalculation on your part. Granted, I am obviously biased, but I’ve re-read my reply to you and it is very much to the point and devoid of any inflammatory language, which is something that can’t be said of either of your replies.
As for the food and feeding issue - I give you my solemn promise that, aside from disagreeing with “bullet 8″ (at least in regard to an unhealthy, sugar-affecting snack)… we meet or exceed nearly every suggestion made. That’s not to say that there isn’t an occasional deviation. It happens. Of course, you only have my word on that.
Perhaps for a discussion another day - and I have a great deal of respect for the Surgeon General - do know that there is great debate in the dietary community regarding the classic “Food Pyramid” and many experts believe that it’s recommendations contribute to obesity. Several meaningful studies show just such a correlation.
As for the Scout Hike - I do appreciate your point of view on the plans & promises made. Had we already committed to being on the hike, and in deference to the pack’s planning and expectations of attendees - I was simply one of those who RSVP’d “we will not be able to attend.” We did not commit first and then back out - I know, a detail not noted in the original post.
Finally, while I can tell from both or your postings that it probably excites you to think that I have “gone ballistic” or are otherwise “pissed off” at your reply - I can assure you that nothing is further from the truth.
Reality is, I welcome opposing viewpoints, even if they are unnecessarily judgemental and sarcastic. It keeps me honest and on my toes and offers an opportunity for reasonable debate and discussion on any topic. I know that you don’t matter. However, you can provide an opportunity to discuss an opposing viewpoint. You might not get 100% agreement from me (or anyone else) which is probably what you’ve turned into the perception that I have gone “ballistic.”
I should hook you up with The PEW, if anyone needs an education on appropriate meals, snacks, and dietary concerns regarding children - she could stand a good dose of your reality.
I do appreciate your efforts and for providing an interesting link. I hope you’ll come back and share with us your method of sanctions when you’re children get in trouble. That is, if they ever do. I’d like to know what you do in terms of punishments and rewards.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Wow - I just found this blog. This post from March could be describing my husband’s life with his EW. Just recently she kept my 14 yo SS home for SIX school days because he had a cold. Oh, and an “fever that came and went”. How did she know? Because she felt his forehead with her hand.
So because SS missed so much school, he couldn’t attend band practice, an interschool ski comp, etc. But not once did EW contact the school to find out what work SS was missing - my husband had to do that. (Despite EW throwing the occasional fit and telling SS he has to get his academic and organisational life in order - talk about mixed messages!!!)
Luckily we have SS on alternating weeks and managed to help him catch up on school work and therefore attend the ski comp. Plus verify that while he had a cold, according to our THERMOMETER he had no temperature at all.
The scariest thing was, when my DH picked up SS, SS seriously informed him that he was very “fragile” and had to take it easy so he wouldn’t get sicker. It’s almost child abuse - making a healthy, smart young kid feel like a 90 yo dying man. I’m not sure if she is deliberately sabotaging him - it makes me almost cry sometimes to see such a great kid manipulated so badly.
Then we have to re-instill discipline and structure whenever he comes back to us - and you should have seen him when he caught up on his school-work, he was ECSTATIC and really proud of his efforts. Clearly he was worrying about it.
Keep up the good parenting work!! Not all women are like those crazy EWs.
November 5th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Your PEW sounds just like my b/f’s ex! And she is a Child Protective Worker by trade! NO discipline, no consequences, no rules, just give the children everything they want, sign them up for a zillion extra curricular activities, no homework, bad grades? oh well.
Pathetic! these PEWs have narcissistic personality disorder, malicious mother syndrome, PAS and a touch of the munchausens by proxy!
the children suffer by being kept 3 to 4 years behind developmentally, coddled, spoiled, babied. My three skids are much larger for their ages too. It is quite shocking to hear stb 6 yr old SS who looks all of 9 years old SCREAM at the top of his lungs for Daddy to turn the one shower handle from right to left because he is “all done” (after 5 seconds of shower of course)
November 18th, 2008 at 10:30 am
I can’t tell you how glad I am that I found your blog! It appears that you and my husband have the same ex-wife.
Down to the “I’m not done with you yet!” I laughed so hard at your post, thanks I needed that…
November 19th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Emily,
I find it astonishing that, as a Den Mother, you would be so upset at a child missing an organized event due to a physical altercation. I was a Girl Scout myself for many years and all of my leaders would have supported these sanctions. In fact, on more than one occasion it was known to be done. This was throughout MY involvement and also with the children I BigSister-ed.
Just because you lead a group doesn’t mean that the way you do things is the way all affiliated groups do them as well.
LM & DW,
Not that you need any praise; I would like to let you know that there are women out there who agree with your tactics.
For all the pessimists out there,
I hate to have to add this: all comments on here are of course assuming that the information is true and correct. We all know that there are multiple sides to every story (his, hers, insiders, outsiders, and the truth). Let’s stop reiterating it.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Oh, and another thing:
As a law enforcement officer I must say it should concern any caring and involved parent that a child is physically violent. If it’s not remedied, and that mentality moves on in life with him or her it can have life-altering effects.
If S1 were to make a stupid decision at age 18 or 19 (or ever) and be charged with assault, he would be disqualified from nearly every job that requires a background investigation. He would NEVER be allowed to work with children. And say 15 yrs down the road he wants to join HIS child on a school field trip… This charge would prevent him. It NEVER goes away. It is for life.
Need I say, again, how right you are for correcting this behavior at the earliest stage. I am saddened at the news of the latest custody proceedings. Child court is a flawed system. But you should be proud as a parent. I am proud as your peer, and can only hope you stay focused and level-headed, not discouraged.
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