When You Look at Them, You Have to Stop Picturing Her
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Step-mothering has never been portrayed as the easiest role to play. When you are dealing with the children of an ex-spouse who can create havoc at the drop of a hat, it’s probably the worst role to play in the entire world. When LM and I first started dating, I made sure to plan everything around the time we had the boys with us. This wasn’t always the easiest thing to do in the world.
I can remember one weekend where we planned on visiting an indoor waterpark at one end of State A. In order to get there we had to drive from State B, 4 hours to State A to pick up the boys, then drive 8 hours the other direction to get to the park in order to spend the weekend with my family. On Sunday, we had to reverse course to get the boys home. Total drive time = 24 hours, to ensure the boys were included. This was on top of the normal things we did to encourage time with the boys, including an 8 hour round-trip drive on both Friday and Sunday every other weekend for nearly 3 years.
Throughout the years, Psycho Mom would perpetually try to get the courts to rule that the drive was “unsafe” for the children. Of course she was unwilling to meet halfway to make the trip safer. Instead, I rode along to ensure that LM was never too tired to make the trip safely. I was never thanked for this. Instead, as can be expected, I was put down to the children. They were told things like their father chose me over them, I’m nothing, I hate them, I don’t love them, their father shouldn’t play with my children when they are here, only them, etc, ad nauseum.
Most things are pretty easily dealt with as I understand Borderline Personality Disorder. However, fear struck my heart one day last summer when a Child Protective Services worker appeared on my doorstep. Psycho Mom had reported that I was abusing the children, not only HER children, but MINE as well. She made an allegation that I left the children alone, who were 6, 7, 8, and 8 at the time, for hours, as well as some other things which were just insane, like we don’t allow them to eat ice cream. Long story short, I lost it. I took one look at LM when the counselor left our home and said “You have no idea how much I want to tell you to get out of my fucking house.” To his credit, LM just said, “I wouldn’t go.” If he had said anything else, it would have been over. I lost the will to want to be the sane one. I lost the will to keep trying. I lost the will to go out of my way to ensure the boys happiness, to try to build a bond with them, even to talk to them.
The past year has been a trying one. Trying to come back to liking the boys. As much as I hate it, I can’t express my hatred, anger, feelings of betrayal to Psycho Mom. It comes out in my apathy towards her children. When S1 lies about things, I see her. When S1 hits another kid at school, I see her. When S2 pees on the toilet seat, I see her. When I am planning vacations and special events, I see the problems and roadblocks that Psycho Mom will throw up, and I plan them for times the boys won’t be around.
I don’t think I can explain these feelings well, even to stepmothers that are in the same situation. Part of the problem I have is that so many of the behavioral and social issues the boys have, are the same ones their mother has, the ones we hate. I’m constantly questioning myself about whether this is their personality or just learned behavior from watching her. And then we come to when it’s time for them to take responsibility for their actions. I think this is the crucial issue that has been looming large over our heads. At some point they will have to make the decision to either be like their mother, or to go their own way. How will I deal with things if they choose the wrong path?
April 13th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Wow, I am speechless. All I can say is, “I feel your pain.”
April 13th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Wow. These exact things have run through my brain so many times. I have asked myself the same thing, and felt the same way.
April 13th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I see him often in my children and it’s hard, very, very hard. I worry about them. How much of his mental illness have they inherited? What will life be like for them? And, the unthinkable, what if they make wrong decision…sometimes, sometimes I wonder secretly, and DH and I discuss late at nite in hushed tones, IF I gave him total custody–would he get the hell out of my life? Is that what this is really about? I know it’s not and that’s not the answer because they’d be totally messed up. But some days…..
April 13th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I’m right there with you. As a step-mother, I feel many of these same things. But fortunately for me, my SSons, especially the youngest, really love me and respect me. They do things for me frequently that show me that they care for me and it pretty much makes up for it.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. No one can blame you for your feelings.
April 13th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
This is all so familiar. It takes huge self-control and enormous maturity. My step children are lovely, but they do echo verbatim some very disturbing views held by PEW in her tone of voice (it sets my teeth on edge)… and when they innocently repeat something we have chatted about to their Psycho Mom-probably after being pumped by her–which results in a scathing “corrective” email from her to me–I feel like I never want to speak to them again!
April 13th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
As I’m reading the last line I’m thinking that, whatever path they choose, it’s the right one for them. As difficult as it has been for you to deal with their mom - they have to deal with the fact that she’s their MOM. You have a choice, they don’t. You’re a grown up - they’re kids.
As they get older they’re going to wrestle with the same questions you are - are they inherently “bad”, or “damaged goods” because they come from thier BPD mother? I hated the way I looked for years… hated looking at myself in the mirror, hated having my picture taken, hated my blue eyes, my smile - because they all belonged to my father as well. If I looked like him on the outside, was I like him on the inside too?
I don’t know everything about your situation, but I have a feeling that the boys are doing the best they know how to survive in the situation they’re in. Growing up with a BPD parent is exceedingly hard on a child.
All those head games she plays with you and your husband? She does the same things to them - and they’re babies. They don’t understand how to deal with BPD. You know she’s doing it because she’s a nut, and not because there’s something wrong with you or LM - they don’t have that perspective.
The best thing you can do, and it sounds like you are already doing it, is to help them have that perspective by giving them a consistent example of normalcy. They’ll figure it out one day. Maybe not on a time line that would be best for everyone… but they’ll figure it out.
Kudos to you for sticking with them for so long. Being a step-mom is a thankless job.
April 13th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
GGRR - Your comment “and when they innocently repeat something we have chatted about to their Psycho Mom-probably after being pumped by her” really hits home for me. Worse is when they not so innocently repeat things in an effort to win their Mom’s favor by bitching about our home. While some things are normal kid things, others are just mean spirited lies, not only about me, but about LM as well which really irks me. That’s where the personal responsibility comes in for me, it’s not just a “they are trying to keep themselves from getting in trouble at home with their mom,” it’s I don’t care why they are doing it, it’s wrong and it needs to stop. Because someday they are going to cross the wrong person and they are going to learn the hard way.
April 13th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Bettie - Thank you for that comment, that is definitely one of the things I struggle with! They are just kids and they love their mother, and I really don’t want to change that. It’s just that they will have such a hard life ahead of them if they follow in her footsteps, and I would never want that for a child of mine. They do recognize some things, but they don’t recognize it in themselves, that’s the hard part for me. They can’t grasp actions and consequences which is an extremely important part of living a healthy life and being in control of your own life. And I don’t know if that is a learned behavior, meaning we can help change it, or if it’s already a part of them and we should be focusing on other things. For instance, S1 hits a boy at school. The next week that boy gangs up on him with a friend, and S1 has no idea why he did it. Even when it came out that he had punched him the week before, he couldn’t connect the dots. He said “well I lost a recess for that, so why would he still be mad and want to punch me?” It’s scary that they don’t see how their own actions can cause problems for themselves down the line, exactly like their mother.
Anyway, I know I got off track. But it’s also one of those things where I don’t want to prematurely put them into a box by how we think of them. We’ve had to deal with this issues in sports and other activities, where we know S1 is going to have problems. Do we talk to the coaches ahead of time or just see how they handle it?
I really want what’s best for them, and I always hope that comes out in my actions, but I know I need to do better sometimes.
April 13th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
WC: At the moment I have tried to believe that the last comment they repeated was an ‘innocent’ communication! But I am also aware of how much pressure they are under to please their Psycho Mom. I understand that children will do anything to keep being approved of and loved, including bending whichever way the wind blows. The drawback of Parallel Parenting is that the kids do have to re-adjust to each household, and they are exquisitely sensitive to the varying requirements and expectations. On the other hand, I believe that simply having the other household–your normal household–to come to and be in is a lifesaver for the kids. One of the(many) reasons I am so stressed and distressed at dealing with PEW is that I, myself, am a child of a BPD mother(hi, Bettie). But I had to live in that household for 18 years without anyone intervening, without anywhere else to go, without even knowing that the reason I was so desperately unhappy was the crazy dynamic in my family. If only I had had a haven and a sane female adult role model–how different my childhood and adolescence would have been! But, do you know, I survived (eventually moving thousands of miles away from home) and so did my sister. And it is no coincidence that we both became psychotherapists!! I guess what I am saying is that I feel that the sane alternative time that you and LM and I and my husband are offering the children is priceless. It may just take them quite a bit of time to process it all. In addition, my SS1 is seeing a therapist, and I feel that any good additional input helps. Kids take it all in and it becomes a part of them.
April 14th, 2008 at 6:04 am
I can truly relate to your post. I have never been accused of mistreatig the children…but I don’t doubt that won’t happen one day, considering the mother of my stepchildren’s history.
However it is so hard not seeing their mom when they do something wrong. The older child completely personifies my husband. The younger however is exactly like his mother. He has learned her habits regarding telling lies, breaking things to get new things, being disrespectful towards figures in positions of authority…down the repeating his mother’s words as they are truly expressed to him about me as their stepmother…”you’re not my real mother,” to “one day you and my dad will break up.” That used to hurt.
And I hate how he tries to tell his mom about “how mean we are,” and then turns around when things aren’t going his way at his mom’s house and he tries to manipulate us and tell us “[his] mom doesn’t buy [him] anything and is mean” to him, all in an effort to get us to feel sorry for him and buy him things.
Not to say that our children are an experiment, but the whole, freshman year topic of ‘Nature vs. Nurture’ will be on my mind the next 12 years or so….
April 14th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I have experienced many of these feelings, and I am the mother. My child is adopted internationally and was abandoned at birth. Her pyschologist put it this way, “she’s had a horrible life.” I have had some very bleak moments, but then I wonder, if I let go and throw in the towel, then what? There is a chapter in Barbara Coloroso’s Parenting Through Crisis that I often point back to… I made a conscious decision to get my mother more involved in my child’s life so that there would be a fallback plan when/if we needed one. You sound like the trusted third party in your case. Don’t underestimate your value in this role. The parallel parenting and PC are helping here — and there’s a real voice now, as I struggle to resume a regular life. Your site here has given me some inspiration that I might still be datable, in spite of everything that happened here.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I’ve had those same thoughts as Vamomma too - and discussed them with my lawyer and the PC, when my health took a nasty turn and I feared it would cost everything I had left health wise to continue. What if I did give him full custody? It’s about power and control. He’s find something else.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
WC: Just thinking more about your musing about whether the boys’ behaviour is learned. Whatever it is, it can be unlearned. It does need to be addressed and they do need to take responsibility. (LM sounds like he has very clear boundaries about this). But it will be a slow process, as they are constantly having your work with them undermined by PEW. That is why other input can be so valuable (i.e. therapy). In terms of the coaches: it might be a good idea to give them a bit of a warning. Something like, ‘We are working on these issues with S1. He has a hard time moving between conflicting households and we are aware that sometimes ‘xyz’ can happen. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. Let us know about any problems–we are keeping you in the loop.’ We have found that it is better if you and the coach/teacher etc. feel you are working together on the same side. They may get very frustrated by S1, and I think you need to appeal to their compassion–keeping the rough time the boys have had clearly in focus.
Further–the fantasy of giving it all up that vamomma and Justice referred to…maybe we all have had it. I know when I tell my husband I can’t stand a moment more, he has seriously said that if he had to he would cut himself off from PEW and his children until the children were old enough to chose. But I couldn’t bear to be responsible for that–the children need him too much–and he needs his children.
April 14th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Yes, Justice… there are usually very clear boundaries and communication with the boys about “manipulative behaviors” and how I am “onto them” - as often as possible, done humorously but with a serious undertone.
I clearly explain to them that I know that they use the lack of certain shows, toys, etc. and parlay that into mom getting them more of that stuff and that it’s wrong. However, I also understand that she does that to make herself feel powerful and worthy as a mother.
Despite how DW sometimes makes it sound, it’s not as awful as it may seem. However, it’s just as unnerving. (Trust me, with scouts and arriving at aftercare during my weeks, I’m thankful I’m dealing with my own situation. It’s not a case of rose-colored glasses, I assure you.)
We had another foolish incident involving PEW yesterday and a lot of upset poured forth from both boys… and a lot of verbalizing from S1, which I may include in a separate post. My oldest has a clue that “something is wrong” with mom and her reactions and things she does and doesn’t do. It’s heartbreaking to see these things going through the mind of a 9-year old… it’s also very difficult to diplomatically explain things to him and how to be careful in certain situations.
~LM
April 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Wow…I can *so* relate to how you’re feeling. My DH’s daughter (now 20) is *so* much like her BM, it’s frightening…not only by how SD would manipulate things between households…but also by how she’s behaviourly become a clone of her BM…so hostile, bitter, angry…complete projection of BM’s feelings/behaviours. I used to feel sorry for SD by how “torn” she seemed to be when it came to coming and going between her parents’ homes…now, I don’t feel much of anything because of how horribly SD treats her Dad now…it’s all she’s ever witnessed from her BM and they’re behaviours SD has now adopted as her own…she’s unable to sustain intimate relationships as a result.
Thankfully, my Bonus Son (17) has chosen a different path and he and DH are rebuilding their relationship independent of BM and SD…to this day, it astounds me how two kids raised in the same abusive environment can turn out so completely opposite of each other.
April 14th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Haha, my favorite saying from a professor in college was:
“Everyone believes in genetics until they have their second child.”
It was a discussion on nature vs nurture and how different children turn out even though they are born of the same parents and raised in the same household.
April 14th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I see decided differences in how S1 and S2 “handle everything.” Granted, a portion of that may very well be the difference in “maturity” level between 9 and STB7, but it’s just cause for more attention.
You can’t let the lessons of life in this mix be lost on one with too much focus on the other… that could result in the one who seems to be handling it best slipping away from you over time.
It sucks to always have to be thinking about such “heavy” things, but you MUST.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
You describes what you start to feel for a child whose mother will NOT allow you to have a relationship with them that does not revolve around and involve her. When the PEW will not allow the kids to be separate people from her, you see her face in everything, especially “her” children. I can relate and I struggle with it with my stepkids. Hang in there.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
This post definitely hit home for me. I struggle with this often. It’s getting better, but it’s still a struggle.
C.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
WC
I can relate to what you are saying and to the comments that are here. Having a PEW makes step mothering a very difficult role. I understand about wondering how to relate to SS’s especially when you see the manipulation.
I suppose the only thing I can say is to echo what has been said. When all of the years boil away and it is just you and Mister M, the choice remains up to the boys. Your home is the example of “normal” and the way of escape for them. There is no guarentee which way they may chose, just remember to not take on more guilt than what you deserve. Compassion with guarding your heart seems to be the safest way to proceed…but in the end, it is their choice…
April 15th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Hon, I so relate! I struggle with this everyday lately… to the point where I have decided I need to take a break from the discipline etc of my SS13. It is a somewhat different situation since his dad (my husband) has custody, and his bpd-mother lives in another state and he hasn’t seen her in 6 months. But he acts like her more and more everyday. He is dishonest, manipulative, sneaky… he WILL NOT take responsiblity for anything he has done… He even gives me the exact same answers his bpd-mother will give him when he catches her in a lie! “If I did that I’m sorry,” “I don’t remember doing that” “I don’t think I did that”…He tells her he HATES those answers when she gives them to him, but he will do it to me… He complains about how she will treat him like crap then expect him to act like nothing happened… But he does the same around here with us. Gets himself in trouble, treats everyone like dirt, then acts like he cannot understand why anyone would be mad at him. I feel my husband only disciplines him because he is tired of hearing me bitch about it. Otherwise, I don’t think he would do a thing. We actually had this conversation the other day…Why is it that when one of our three kids gets in trouble and I tell him about it, he trusts me and does not question my version of events, and he discusses it with the kids immediately..but when SS13 gets into trouble, he questions me about whether the other kids were involved, if what I said happened was exactly accurate, etc, then he may not even discuss it at all with SS13. Pisses me off. This kid has his father played, and I am so tired of it right now.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
how appropriate to read this today. we just got back in town from a long weekend away, and on the way to work this morning i was thinking along those same lines….all the bad traits that are becoming more and more apparent, it’s hard now not to picture her, even the biological father sees it in him. the difference with a step-parent and the biological one, is that at the end of the day, they are not ‘our’ children. we do not have that magical biological bond that enables a parent to gloss over these unavoidable personality traits that exist. to us step-parents, these traits are magnified and hard to skip over. for example ,it irked me to no end to hear my stepson rush his father off the phone, with no interest in where he is and what he’s doing when his dad calls him from being away…he has zero interest and that kills me and puts him in a bad light in my eyes. but to his father? his job is to defend his son till the end of days. it’s what parents do. the problem is that step-parents feel the undeniable pressure to picture these children with the same ‘rose colored glasses’ that their bio parents do and it just cannot be that way. we can love and care for them to the best of our ability. but given a set of circumstances where the child is just not the most pleasant, well, that makes it a much bigger challenge. and in that i understand perfectly what DW has expressed.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I think many of understand all too well. I can’t stand lying or cowardice. We’ve all more than a lifetime’s worth of both to deal with, I am certain.
October 13th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
WC -
Your words struck a chord with me. Certainly a variation of your situation. My husband and I have custody of his daughter, she recently started seeing her mom again… overnight. After getting home from the first visit I noticed her telling us mostly about negative moments. Then when she returned from the second overnight visit she was actually going deeper, just telling us things like, “But I know she was lying.” I confronted her and asked why she felt the need to tell us such things. I asked if she had a good time while she was there. The answer, of course, was yes.
It didn’t take long for me to figure out that she was speaking this way about her mom because she thought it’s what WE wanted to hear. WHY would she think this? Well, because this is what her “mother” thrives on while the child visis her. I had to explain that we don’t expect her to tell us anything bad about her mom unless it will hurt her or it made her feel uncomfortable or sad.
I also had to deal with some of the lies she made up about her mother because she thought we’d reward her for “bitching and snitching”.
I was thoroughly disgusted at this, and all the other negatives this woman puts into a develping child’s mind!
October 13th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Back to the original post:
When I read your headline, I actually expected it to be from the father, not the “step”parent. My husband had this problem for most of his daughter’s life. He had trouble looking at her, playing with her, listening to her voice, watching her facial expressions and mannerisms.It kept him from trying for custody.
When he and I got engaged, his mind quickly changed. (His parents had custody, and the PEW only saw her once or twice a month). She bagan living with us and we’ve had custody for over a year now.
You have to learn to associate the child(ren) with a person you love.
One day I asked him about the conversation we once had. I asked if he still sees PEW in her. He answered “Almost never.” He then leaned in and told me his well-kept secret, “When I look at her now, I see you…”
October 25th, 2008 at 12:08 am
I have thought these same things. I see her (we call her IT, she-who-shall-not-be-named, etc) in my step-son. he looks like her and his behavior is often like hers. It frustrates me and I try to remind myself that he has half of my husband as well, but there are times that I see her and I find myself resenting his behavior and wondering if it is learned or if he really is just like her.
October 29th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
i can relate to you all, the ex wife used to be my neighbour and a good friend, but she was so 2 faced and caused trouble with me and my other friends i broke contact she moved, her husband stayed and they got divorced, i then started a relationship with her ex husband and we got married a year later, the ex wife has always been bitchy about me but i learnt to ignore it, she finally moved down south to start a new life and boy was i happy but she still tried meddling in our marriage,
when she moved away there eldest daughter who was 11 at the time did not want to move with her mum saying that there was never any toothpaste for weeks no hot water for a bath etc, so we took her in while the other daughter who was 9 at the time moved with her mother. the eldest daughter look the spit of her mother in everyway its horrible (poor child) whilst the other daughter had her mothers attitude big time and bitched about me to everyone, it reaLLY GOT TO ME AS I NEVER SAID A BAD WORD OF THE EX in front of her kids.
i was pregnant and due in a week when hubby got loads of texts messages off her saying she missed him and loves him and that no one should be having his kids as he already had 2 girls and that should be enough… i was so angry i could feel my blood boil im suprised i didnt give birth there and then, my hubby didnt reply to her but i bet the thought me and hubby were arguing (we werent but i was angry with her) suppose i had the last laugh as i gave birth to a son that he wanted!!
apart from the visits she made to our end of the world to see her family and bitch about me things were copable, but now shes getting more annoying she comes up for weekends and takes the eldest daughter which is fine, but when the eldest comes home she has her mums attitude with me and is an absaloute cow, we get her back in line after a day or 2 and things are normal again til the next time the ex is down…. #
I have recently found out that the ex and the daughter are coming back to live at this end of the world again, and how im dreading it so much i’m feeling down and thats not good when i have a 14 month old son and a 9 week old daughter and dont need the bitchyness and lies and her trying to split my marriage up cos she still LOVES him…. sometimes i think maybe i should just be on my own with my 2 kids and that way she cant hurt me or my babies now or in the future,
well happy days … not
October 31st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I cannot beggin to express how relieved Iam to have found this site, I and my family have been dealing with an Ex from Hell , never new such people existed until I met her , its so sad and makes me so angry how such mother´s and also fathers play with theyre children , no one has that rigth and the damage thaty causes the kids.
Most of your post hit right home, if we didnt love our man so much no one in their right state of mind would stick by this pathetic games and I just pray that the normality that we try to give my SS lgive him a choice for when he grows up and not become like is M , allthough we see so many similar things allready.
Thank you , bless you all and keep strong
Portugal
October 31st, 2008 at 4:43 pm
OMG this. Thisthisthisthisthis. All of it. Every single last word. I cannot tell you how many times the resentment and insecurity and anger has bubbled over the last year or so, all with the undercurrent of, “THESE AREN’T MY KIDS. THIS ISN’T MY JOB.” I didn’t do those things to them. I didn’t hurt them the way she had, but I have to deal with the result of it. And I can’t stop it, I can’t FIX it because she won’t LET ME. She won’t see how much she’s hurting her children and I have to sit there and listen to it, watch it, watch her hurt these children that I love and care for, children that I sang to and fed and clothed and bathed and watched grow up… I have to sit there and take it. Because I mean NOTHING. I can’t do anything. Nothing at all.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Wow. A page out of my own life. Our crazy mama has called children’s services on me too. She was too stupid to keep it quiet though, she told all her friends so we were at least expecting the visit.
My SDs are teenagers. I have little trouble with the oldest, nothing beyond normal teenage angst. But the youngest . . .wow. There is hatred thick in her voice when she talks to me about anything, she makes the same comments that her mother does most of the time and when anything happens at our house that she doesn’t like or if I say anything to her that she doesn’t like she tells her mother which leads to the phone calls about “what the hell is wrong with BEA?”. Never “what happened” just what the hell is wrong with me. I have repeatedly asked SD2 not to discuss with her mother the things that happen in our home for this very reason. She is old enough to understand this request and why I am requesting it, but she doesn’t stop. In addition, she is now lying to her mother and saying that I said things or that called her names when I haven’t (and never would).
I am at the point where I want to lock myself in the bedroom for the entire time they are with us (50%). I don’t want to live my life this way but being hated constantly is really starting to get to me. It doesn’t help that she is lying and stealing and behaving EXACTLY like her mother.
January 11th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I too am the wicked stepmother. I have loved, loved, loved her children in spite of her. (NOT TO SPITE HER)…now the girls are growing up and becoming JUST like her. It is so sad. And it is also sad to say that their father is a spineless idiot that won’t defend me at all. His psycho ex wife has threatened me, sued me, attacked me verbally & physically, and only wants to speak to me when she WANTS something LIKE MONEY or babysitting services. I have decided in this new year to just become the children’s friend. I cannot be their parent (The egg donor and I are very different in how we raise kids), so I will be their friend. That’s it…their friend….until I can’t live with them anymore….(unless their father grows balls…doubt it!)
February 15th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
wicked step mother,
Spineless idiot? Grow some balls?
You may want to do your husband and his children a favor and leave. Any wife who speaks of her partner like that is not doing him any good. You sound as bad as the ex!
February 17th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I have got to say, hard to tune out the PEW. Especially when they fill the kids head with too much info. Lately the PEW has been filling the child’s head with romantic stories and reminescing of the good old days.
Sometimes my bf, his daughter and I are sitting at the dinner table and his daughter will say “daddy, so you remember when you and mommy did such and such…?”
These are stories the daughter could not possibly remember since she is 6 years old and the stories are from before she was born”
The PEW want her daughter to say these stories back to us, hoping to cause pain and guilt.
Totally psycho!
March 13th, 2009 at 10:36 am
A step mom feels so torn between wanting to do the right thing and help her husband take care of his children, but on the other hand, it’s hard to bond with my stepson, who spends the weekends we have him acting happy to be with us, but who is really storing up and making up negative information about our lives to go home and tell his mother about. It never fails. Every weekend we have him, we get the “Sunday night report card” phone call from PEW screaming at my husband because my stepson goes home crying about how horrible it is at our house. It’s to the point where I dread weekends we’re supposed to have him now because I know our life over here is going to go right into the fishbowl where she can pick every little thing apart. God forbid we do anything fun or buy anything cool when he’s not around–which would mean we’d have to pack everything fun we ever did over here into four days a month!! God forbid my daughter get or have something nice for a change and he finds out–you should have heard the phone call we got from PEW the weekend of my daughter’s birthday when we had my stepson. Which is ironic because he’s the one who shows up all the time over here with expensive North Face jackets, expensive Under Armour shoes and expensive gaming systems his mom bought him for no reason. You’d think the divorce decree specified that any future stepsiblings of his were only supposed to get coal for gifts.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Your situation decribes our hell to a T, except my husbands ex-wife (I call her my exwife too) has even been caught twice driving drunk with the kids and has been able to abuse us with the court system. Its a very small good ole boy system.
The 1st year I hated his kids, I never thought I would ever feel that way about kids. BUT I realized, I was doing EXACTLY what she wanted. She wanted me and her kids to be enemies.
I changed myself and I am not saying its easy, I tell people daily this is the hardest thing anyone will ever live through short of death. I show the boys they are MY boys too, I love them and I tell them I have love for their mother too. Over the last 8 years as the boys got older they are beginning to see for themselves and had I not put my feelings aside, the exterroist would have won and the kids are the only ones who suffered.
Its an on going thing as the boys are 12,10, and 7 (I have a 9yr old boy). But they KNOW I love them and they are affectionate with me. If nothing else we take our short time with them and try our best to show them how to be respectable and they will have to make the choices to follow which example. Either way we still love them and always will.
June 9th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Kudos to those step-moms who are capable of loving their step-children. It is difficult when they’re not your own and not living with you for at least 50% of the time. It is even more difficult when their mothers are so disfunctional and causing continual turmoil in your life. I can’t never say I love my sd. That would be an outright lie. But I can say that I want the best for her. Since my husband was just a weekend father, over the years I and my dh of course worried about how she would turn out, what genetic traits she got from her mother, and above all, what kind of values of lack thereof her mother instilled in her. We’ve tried to set good examples as much as we can, but it was an constant up-hill battle since she got to spend so little time with us. She did move in with us for her HS senior year though, since the mother had fallen off the bandwagon and now is an alcoholic again while she herself was trying to stay sober and do good in school (she did inherit that addictive tendency unfortunately as well as her mother’s mental illness.) Even though I gave her credit to move away from her mother, I can never overlook her lack of characters due to her mother’s influence/parenting. I never say anything though, because it will never be well received even though it is for her own good. All we can do is to set good examples and hope that she’ll notice and maybe some day learn from it.
June 9th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
OK Ladies… all of this sounds familiar from the word go… but I actually have video… my (but really my husbands) BPD has gone so far as to bring in the local TV station to further justify her BPD. On the outside this looks as tho’ this is a normal mother trying to make it in this deep dark world… but of course all you ladies know that in reality …its a plea for more attention at the expense of her children. In answer to the many soulful questions she poses… Yes… she does need a job! Yes … she does have 4 kids… YES … she can wear many hats (and we all know why…BPD … much!!!)
Here is the real story (read commentary before video) ; She sets at home waiting for a job that will pay her 35-45 thousand dollars a year so she can “spend time with her kids” but really WE KNOW its so she can set on the couch and yell at her boys. (according to Step daughter)
She was offered a job as a MGR at a Lowes but wouldn’t go in for training becuz my step daughter (17yrs) didn’t want to watch the boys (3,6,& 8 yrs) this job would have paid her enough, for the day care. (btw who is the parent here? if anyone of you were this worried about food on the table, would you not say to your 17yr old “your watching the kids!” while I train for the next couple of weeks to take care of the family?!)
I am just saying, you do what you have to !
I am aware that the video paints her as a mom just trying to take care of her kids… but the truth couldn’t be further from reality. This is a woman who has lied to Texas Child Protective Services on several occasions to get food stamps and formula for her kids. She lives off child support that my husband provides for his daughter and AFDC (absent parent, child support from the state) The trailor she is in now is because she filed bankruptcy on a home that her and her husband (at the time) didn’t pay on … and stayed in the home a year without paying anything. Incidentally, did I tell you they were going to move to tennesee and leave my stepdaughter at a friends house till graduation all the while collecting child support for a child they were not supporting ? of course, we found out afterwards.
Once Step dad moves to prepare the home she says she wants a divorce… and then is sad because she doesn’t have a fridge for the kids anymore…
This is all in the last 6 months.
To top off everything… she is such an attention whore she puts on Myspace that my step daughter is having medical problems… but will only talk to my husband about my SD’s condition. Then SD tells my husband that Bio-mom made it a three ring circus at the hospital (out patient) surgery. BTW… despite our insurance on Lacy somehow she had medicaid?
Anyway, Watch the video for yourself … (top left hand corner on the website) see what you think? You can reach her at Myspace/lacysmom. apparently its ok to be so public… just don’t tell the step-mom who has been by her side when the bio-mom kicks her out of the house… or when the bio-mom lets her get burned by the curling irons and the heaters … and boys and life… I really hate her.
http://www.keyetv.com/content/lifestyle/laidoff/story/Full-time-mom-seeks-full-time-employment/xg4s89zEFk2chAKDSp_JYg.cspx
June 18th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
OMG! I could have written the OP. I feel your pain.
I will say, I’ve gotten some great ideas from reading the posts.
Fighting for my sanity: Is that a “new” Dell Red laptop she is working on??? Hmmmm, seems to really be struggling there *rolling eyes*.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Three years ago, my exhusband created a myspace page for the sole purpose of bashing me (used my real name, address, my husband’s name, employer, etc). Our children BEGGED him to remove the hateful things he posted, but he refused. (and then refused further contact with them since they wouldn’t take his POV against me) 99.9% of what he wrote was false.
In fact, my ex found my husband’s crazy exwife on Myspace and they together spent nearly a year making false claims about things we supposedly did to all of the children. BUT the worst part was how they included my husband’s children in it all. they had my stepchildren posting terrible, hateful lies about my husband and me on his/hers/their Myspace.
Now that the stepkids are older, we have tried to discuss with them things like honesty, manipulation, and truth. But I have a hard time forgiving them and when I see them, all I think about are the terrible things they said about us and the countless nights I feared for my husband’s emotional health. They have never once apologized.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I am in this completely. I am ready to leave this situation because I don’t feel like I am making it better even know I feel like I do wonderful at not ever putting my fiance’s ex down. I am a divorced woman too and would not want my ex’s girlfriend to do this, so I try so hard. I feel like it is just building up and how do you not take it out on your husband or signifcant other. I feel like I am holding it together with kids but turning it towards him. I appreciate you sharing this and bringing this out, because it can effect every bit of your life. I just feel like I don’t know if I can take another minute of it, so I am being to feel my only choice is to leave the situation.
July 20th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Totally understandable! I’ve been there myself many times.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I can completely relate to this. I think I did pretty good for the first 3 years, but it has gotten harder. About a month ago I called my husband’s PEW on a lie and she tried to get in a physical confrontation with me while I was holding my one year old daughter. My husband stood in front of me, but I can say that I lost my cool a bit. I never once called her a name or acted as if I would hit her, but I did tell my husband to let her hit me. I was saying let her do it, as soon as she does I’m calling the cops. From that day on I have vowed not to have anymore contact with her. (the only time she ever called me anyway was when she wanted to ditch the kids and needed a babysitter) This has taken a toll on my relation ship with the kids though. I know that it isn’t their fault, but I can’t help seeing her when I look at them.
I am so happy that I have found this site. It makes me feel so much better to know that my husband and I are not alone. I have contemplated leaving. I know that splitting my husband and I up is her goal in life. I truly think that the only reason she sees her kids as much as she does is to cause problems in my husbands life (and mine). In her twisted mind she still believes that if I wasn’t here, my husband and her would get back together. She has put us through hell and still continues to do so. She is all about drama and attention. Even when the kids are visiting a relative she somehow finds a way to cause drama in our lives. This site has really helped me to deal with all of this a little better. I have talked to my husband about the low-contact idea, a lot of it we already do, but I have asked him to work harder in not giving her any attention. Thank you thank you thank you
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:51 pm
this is my life too. i just keep trying to do the right thing, whatever that means. and when i screw up today, try again tomorrow. i always feel like i’m “just” the sm, but this is my family and my life now. i have to push past that feeling and “be” the family member.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Thank you all so much for being so honest with your thoughts and how you have felt, even toward your new husbands. I am almost in tears reading all of your posts knowing that there are other women out there dealing with an Ex spouse who has BPD. It’s beyond hideous and something I never in a million years thought I would be dealing with. My husband’s two teen aged sons are well worth my efforts to love and support them even though they barely speak to me when they are at our house due to all the things the BPD has made up about me. I just keep providing that “soft place to land” and a counter of home made chocolate chip cookies and NO drama or chaos or fighting at our house while they are with us, which is only 30% of the time as that is all the BPD will allow………….
August 6th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Welcome, Joan. Such wonderful thoughts. We hope you’ll stick around… a lot of people with plenty of experiences and wonderful suggestions to learn from.
August 24th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Thank you for this post. I started writing why but it turned into a mini-blog
So, just thank you.
August 24th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Thanks for making us smile today.
August 24th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
DW… I am posting this after the PEW learned of this blog… I will say right here and now, that there isn’t a step-mother alive who has to deal with their spouses PEW and their children that hasn’t felt the exact same thing as you posted above. Being a stepmother to a PEW’s children is a thankless and tiring job. Often it is extremly difficult to suppress the anger felt about the PEW and stop it from turning into anger at the children when they behave as their mother has taught them to behave. I often feel correcting the behavior is reinforcing everything that the PEW is saying to them…”See? Your step-mother is a bitch…she won’t let you do anything. She hates you, and you can’t do anything right in her mind.” But… what keeps me going is every once in awhile I can see a little glimmer in the kids eyes that says, “Oh yeah, I see what you are saying. Maybe you do care about me after all.” Then, I step back and pray that what I say will all add up and make a difference when they are all grown up when they can really put all this BS their mother has put them through in perspective. Don’t give up.
August 24th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Karen,
Thank you for your comment. You are so right, those moments where things click in their eyes are worth all of the hard work. Luckily those moments are coming more often now that the kids are old enough to ask their own questions and form their own conclusions.
DW
August 30th, 2009 at 8:44 am
First I will say, This article that you have written sickens me the most. These are GOOD boys..they get straight As in school and in 5 years have gotten in trouble only a couple of times…boy stuff. Despite how rough they have had it with divorcing parents, a father who moves 4 hours away, then moves back 3 years later, a stepmother who obviously thinks they are bad boys (which reminds me when are you guys getting married?) guess your daughter never choked S2? and your son never gets in trouble ever? I’m sure your children are angels. Anyway, thank your lucky stars for the step-children that you have….they are pretty damn good. I am convinced that you have NO maternal instincts AT ALL. And LM is just a total Sociopath…God help these kids!!
August 31st, 2009 at 2:49 pm
From what I have read, the path of least resistance for LM and DW of them would have been to pay the support and NEVER be apart of his kids’ lives. Never interact with them, nothing. This would cut the PEW right out of their lives. Instead, LM has spent lots of hours, money etc, being a part of their lives. DW loves the kids and has revolved her life to caring for and loving the kids despite the obvious alienation caused by the PEW. So what if she has moment where the kids aggravate her. Mine aggravates me too. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him.
September 5th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Oh My God. I feel like you just wrote about my own life. The only exception being, when I lost my will, I totally LOST IT. I forced my boyfriend to move out of my home and into his own. I chose to completely disengage in the matter of blending families and parenting all our children together, because of his PEW. On top of it all, I’m a social worker and was deathly afraid of the false allegations PEW could make to CPS … sensed that one coming a mile away and so I felt I had to cut and run. My boyfriend and I now live a very unconventional life, having to financially support two households and basically raise our kids separately. This makes me bitter, but the absolute worst of it is that his children have been alienated from me to the highest degree. So now, we have no where to go from here. We certainly can’t go backwards. Thank you for letting me get this out here. The whole thing makes me look and feel crazy, and my family/friends can’t understand my choices. His children will never understand how much I love them, and how hard it was to let them go after being in their lives for a couple of years.
September 7th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
i also feel what you are all feeling. my bf’s kids have not spent a lot of time with us these past couple of months because of his pew. i don’t have any contact with the kids unless they are with us. the little time that we do get with them, we try to make as happy as possible. we never discuss their pam (psychopathic *sshole mom). yet, they go home and tell their pam that i was mean to them and i’m abusive to them. WHAT??? it’s so hurtful and it makes me sad. it takes a lot of strength to not hold this again them. sometimes when they are with us, i don’t even want to interact with them because they’ll just go back and lie to their mom. i wear my heart on my sleeve with them and it sucks to watch them throw me under the bus.
when do they become accountable for their actions?
she thinks i’m the one with drama yet i have no contact with her either! maintaining integrity has been one of the most challenging aspects of my life but I WILL NOT ENGAGE IN ANY PHYSICAL OR VERBAL ARGUMENTS!! i feel like that’s what she wants because it would validate everything that she tells the kids about me.
i work in the educational field and does this pew really think that abusing kids is my way of life?
September 19th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Surprise! I have pretty much the same story.
Psycho PEW threatened to take us to court and have me banned from being around the kids (my step-kids) because I told her that I thought she was a shitty mother (she is) and that her kids have severe problems (one is even in special ed.) because she’s a shitty mother. Obviously I hit a nerve, because my comment to her, said truthfully, but in a frustrated state, was just too true. Using the highly classified information that I don’t like my step kids (shhh! don’t tell anyone!), in fact I hate them, she tried to make me out to be some kind of child-hunting pedophile (after a long day at work, I like to snack on children, but, hey, who doesn’t?). Anyway, it was totally ridiculous and took some PEW wrangling (my husband is an expert since he was the sucker that dated her). She finally dropped it, but is still Bat guano crazy and most definitely Borderline. The bottom line was that I am great with my step kids and she knows it. I suck it up and treat them extremely well and the love me (they’ve told me many times that they love me more than their mom and that their mom is “crazy” and “nuts”) I’ve always loved kids and although mine are low intelligence, ugly (they look like their mother) and mentally damaged, they are just kids and so I do the best I can to help them. After two years of step-parenting, I still love kids, just not my step-kids. 
p.s.These stupid, crazy PEWs don’t realize that they are hurting their own kids. It makes me physically ill.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I have to say that this blog really touched me as it’s exactly how I have been feeling about my step-daughter, my hubby’s PEW and the whole psycho situation that she has created for us to live in. I have 4 kiddos of my own that live with us full-time. My Ex and I are very amicable, co-parent, completely share the kids and their lives and are friends at the core. We decided upon splitting that no matter what, we would never let any court decide the fates of our lives. We have stuck to that through good times and bad. Our 4 kids are so much better off for it!
My hubby and I got married last year and the psycho tunnel he lived in before became a tornado once the PEW knew we planned to marry. She escalated the situation to a point where I have even considered walking away. It’s as bad, if not worse, than the posts I have been reading on this site. It’s not helped me with my SD. She and I now have a strained relationship and according to the PEW, she hates me. I get told this all the time in Email by the PEW and it’s frustrating. According to her, I am to blame for everything that my SD thinks is wrong with her life over here with our family. She wants her daddy back to have all to herself, according to the PEW and honestly, I have seen her act like that when she’s here every other weekend. It’s so frustrating and angers me to have to live, even if it’s only 6 days a month, like I have a spy in my house reporting back every little thing that myself and my kids do.
Anyway….I could go on forever, I am so upset. It was gratifying to know that I am not the only stepparent with a PEW that is having a difficult time with the stepchild. I was really feeling like a bad person for having the feelings of hatred that I have been having. And just to clarify, this is my 2nd turn at being a stepmother. My first SS, from my first marriage, I raised him from 8-18 and we had a fabulous relationship. The difference was that there was NO PEW! My ex-hubby’s 1st wife and I got along fabulously and still do.
There are just women in this world that feel they have to make everyone’s lives miserable because they are sad, pathetic people that can’t move on with their lives. So thank you for letting me see that I am not the only one in this boat and feeling these feelings. I am not a bad person
BTW, I sense that the entry above by the woman named LIZ, may be your PEW….the style of writing is exactly like the email you have posted from her.
I will be reading more and posting again. Thanks for a great site.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
I often wonder why people think remarriage is ok for their kids. Sure, there are blended families that work out, but often they just wreak havoc on the lives of the children. Are we so self-involved that we cannot choose to be parents first, and avoid seeking out another person/family to throw into the mix? Kids from a broken family have enough trouble as it is. This blog just reinforces my belief that remarriage is inappropriate when children are involved….date quietly when your ex has the kids, but leave it at that. You tried the marriage thing already, brought children into it, and it didn’t work out. Bummer. But now it is time to make right by your kids and focus on raising them. I know this may sound harsh to some of you, but reading all your stories pretty much proves my case. Bitch all you want, but remember that YOU signed up for this, and dragged your kids and/or someone else’s kids along for YOUR ride. I feel horrible for the children who have no control over what the adults are doing to their lives. I was in that position as a child, but no one heard my voice. If a single person hears it here, then it will be worth all backlash I am sure this post will bring.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Giselle, I have to say that we have very similar stories! The PEW in my life has done the same thing to me. We actually call her PB (Psycho Bitch). In the beginning, when my hubby and I first got together and it was serious, she emailed me and RAVED about what a wonderful person and mother I was, how she thought my kids were so polite and great, how much my SD LOVED me and how lucky that she had someone so wonderful in her dad’s life to love her too. Then she lied straight to my face at one of SD’s soccer practices, I called her out on it in front of her friends and she was pissed! Then I receive an email trashing me to my hubby saying I was lying and that I shouldn’t even be involved. I wrote her back and let her know exactly what I saw and thought of her parental alienation, her lying to gain a footing with the courts, her manipulating situations to make my hubby look like the bad guy and how her actions will undoubtedly affect her daughter. She was livid and that’s when I began showing up on her ‘psycho radar’ and she apparently declared full raging war against me, her own daughter’s new stepmother. She apparently didn’t like that I saw her and called her out on exactly what she is; a crazy PB that was fully using Parental Alienation to try and hurt my hubby. Suddenly I was the enemy and no longer a “wonderful addition to (SD’s) life” as she had previously claimed. I knew her to be a liar and because I called her out on it in front of her friends, she was out for revenge. I also called her out on pretending in front of people that she wants to share my SD, but in reality she’s been fighting for 7 years to have him removed from her life entirely! She even told others that it was my hubby that was fighting to remove HER from my SD’s life. What kind of mother acts like that? A PB. Our PB has two faces; a Mary Poppins face for in front of courts, CFI’s, Parental coordinators, friends, family, etc. Then she has that evil psychopath one toward me, my kids and my hubby. We see them both and she wonders why we ignore her, stay away from her and “can’t understand why we can’t get along??” She has even gone so far to have people tell the CFI on the case that “(PB) tries to be SO nice to her ex-husband and his new wife, but they just shun her”. Seriously….why can’t people see when they are being fed bullshit and why do they even want to be involved, willingly even?? It’s a mystery to us.
My hubby was in the middle of their 5th parental evaluation at the time. Once all this email ammunition from her ceased for a bit, we get one from his CFI on the evaluation stating that the PB had requested that MY HOUSE be investigated “as the minor child spends a significant amount of time at Dad’s girlfriends house” and that the PB alleged that SD was in danger while at my house. WHAT?! Are you kidding me? No, they weren’t. My own 4 kids had NEVER had to do anything for or in the family courts because that’s how my ex and I wanted to keep it, we didn’t want the courts in our kids’ lives. Now this PB wants to drag my innocent kids into this just because I was dating (at the time it was just dating) her daughter’s father?? I was livid, and a couple of weeks later, the PB tried being friendly with me at soccer again, acting like she hadn’t just involved me in their battle over this little girl, and I was cold as ice to her. I let her know that we would never be friends and that I thought she was a piece of shit mother to be using her daughter as a pawn.
It’s escalated to the point where I put a restraining order on her for threatening me at an exchange that I took my SD to, for which she retaliated by placing one on me. The PB threatened to “make sure you are never around my daughter” to me at the same exchange. FF, When she violated the PO earlier this year, I called the cops to enforce the order and she lied to them saying it was HER that had the right to be there and that I didn’t. Funny, the SD was with us, we had the PO with us and the Parental orders….hmmmm now WHOM had the right?? Since the officers didn’t know what to believe, and were too frustrated to figure it out, they arrested us both. It was certainly gratifying to see her arrested and knocked down a peg or too. It was in front of all her lying friends too, so that made it even sweeter. Unfortunately it didn’t teach her a lesson about violating Court Orders because she does it continually to this day.
Anyway, all that background brings me to what’s recently happened. This past year we have been in yet another parental evaluation and the PB has alienated my SD from me to the point that suddenly “she hates” me, doesn’t want to be at our house, says that I am “mean to her” and was coached to tell the CFI that she doesn’t want me around when she’s with her father. She said she “wants things back to the way they were before (I) came along” to just be her and her dad. So the CFI, being the dumbass that he is, recommended to the court that my SD get her wish (mind you she is 8 1/2!) and not have to spend time alone with me. If my hubby can’t spend time with my SD, then she is to return to her PB instead of staying with me, yet my SD can stay with her stepfather if her mother is unable to be there. (yes the PB actually remarried 2 yrs ago, yet can’t let my hubby move on!) Instead of trying to foster a relationship between this alienated child and I (her stepmother, whom only has about 60 days a year of overnights at our house anyway), the court saw fit to try to make it WORSE. It’s ridiculous. Yet apparently I am a good enough step parent to make myself available and drop what I am doing to shuttle my SD to any of her sports or extra curricular activities when my hubby is unable to do it, for which there are FAR TOO MANY and she is over-scheduled.
So the PB worked her lying magic on my SD and the CFI assigned to the case and manipulated the situation to get exactly what she had threatened me 10 months earlier, that she didn’t want me in my SD’s life. An order stating that the child can’t be alone with me is really unenforceable anyway, but it’s still the principal of the thing.
Now the PB is constantly making me out to be some “crazy piece of work” that shouldn’t be in her daughter’s life, to anyone that will listen to her. Yet, in the beginning when she thought she could manipulate me to get what she wanted out of my hubby, I was the BEST thing to happen to my hubby and her daughter and she was so happy!! That fake happiness turned a complete 360 because I was honest with her about her alienation, manipulating ways and her outright lying.
Uggghhh I only wish every divorced couple could behave and have it as good as my own EX-hubby and I have made our situation for our kids. They are growing up healthy, without issues, without therapy and without the drama that I see my SD go through. It’s truly heartbreaking that more parents can not be the mature adults that they should be, in the best interests of their kids.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
your story overlapped with mine right now, it had me teared up. I am going through exact same bs, except that I don’t have any children of mine. I love my boyfriend’s son, I have been with them since he was very little. I know the boy loves me too. But the PEW (and the current boyfriend of hers) is literally trying to brain wash him. I don’t even know where to start. Everything we have, everything we do with the boy, everything I cook for him are bad according to her. The “zipperhead” food that I cook is upsetting his intestines. The movies we watch together are inappropriate. Just because I bought him some toys that she can’t afford, I am spoiling him and not teaching him resposibilities (I made him EARN the toy). They are always trying to provoke my bf and I and if we respons in any ways to them, they are looking for the chance to bring us down. whenever the boy spends the weekend my his moms and come back by us, he starts saying “—is not good. —-is yucky. mommy doesn’t like this.” everything that are related with us. She brought my boyfriend to the court to have the full custody (it’s 50/50 right now) which failed.
While they are pointing fingers at us about every flaws, they are teaching the boy how to provoke people, how to make fun of people, and how to be disrespectful.
This is really frustrating for me since it’s a long way battle. She’s always up on our asses trying to find every little flaws. I feel like I am going insane.
Only thing that is good out of this whole drama with her is that she actually taught me to rethink about myself and be a better person with respect, manner, and conscious.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Kennedy,
#1, my kids have flourished since my divorce, and part of that is having a stepfather that is totally committed to them, every bit as much as their real father is. They both help get them to sports practices, help with homework, encourage them, and cheer them when they get awards for being the best, most well adjusted children in their class. Both kids routinely get the Principal’s award, and want BOTH of their fathers there for the ceremony. They want BOTH of them to attend choir concerts, and swim meets, they use their own money every Christmas to buy BOTH of them presents without being told, they LOVE BOTH of them.
#2, if you think that PEW acts the way she does because LM has a new relationship, you are sadly mistaken. She acted this way before I was in the picture.
#3, “I feel horrible for the children who have no control over what the adults are doing to their lives.” Wow, I don’t know a SINGLE kid that has control over what the adults in their lives do. Do you? I teach my kids how to take control of their own lives and make the best choice for themselves, it’s something I had to do growing up. My own mother has been married 6 times, and I happen to be an awesome, happy person despite my upbringing. You have control of your life, if you aren’t happy with something, maybe you should stop thinking about how your parents remarriage caused you problems, and figure out how to be happy yourself. My favorite new saying from Bill Eddy is “it’s not the problem, it’s the person.” YOU hold the key to your happiness, not your parents and how many times they were married.
#4, My kids have always come first, and one of the things I have ALWAYS tried to teach my children, is how to have loving, positive relationships. I keep negative people out of my life, and surround myself with people that love me and want what’s best for me. I want my children to grow up and find someone that loves them, and they will know what that looks like, and how to treat them back. They are gaining a lot from our relationship, things you can’t just teach someone, things they must see and feel.
Kennedy, it’s hard to see positive things in situations that you haven’t been in. Don’t project your personal issues onto everyone else’s relationships, because they simply aren’t the same.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Kennedy,
You’re what’s wrong with the world today. You sound annoyingly like one of those disordered or scorned exs who needs to have that last bit of control over her ex-spouse who has moved on to love someone worthy of being loved. And if they do that, well… you’ve lost just a little bit more of the power and control you seek to exercise over them. How sad.
Yes, you’ll get the backlash you came and sought here. There are few things your obvious lack of deep insight overlooks here:
#1 - Children aren’t entitled to have their parents put their love and happiness on hold “just for them” despite your selfish desires that weren’t met because obviously, one or both of your parents exercised their right to have a life beyond giving you their undivided attention 24/7/365. What you suggest is absolutely wrong for the parent and the children. At least you had the honesty to divulge that your views are skewed by your disappointing childhood.
#2 - Children are entitled to see what it means for a grown-up, especially their parent(s) to be involved in a truly loving, meaningful relationship. A relationship that demonstrates how to love appropriately, honestly, and from the heart. They’re entitled to see what it means for two loving people to have mutual respect and demonstrate teamwork for the good of the family, including the children/step-children.
#3 - Your suggestion is preposterous on so many levels, but most significantly this one: by putting their own lives on hold, you leave the children unable to gain the ability to see a successful relationship develop, blossom, and grow. You leave them mired in a pit of hostility between two people who, at best, don’t like one another, and at worst - hate each others guts with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. My, what a great environment that is to grow up in. That’ll teach them how to love another person when they become adults.
It’s really a shame no one heard your voice as a child. Perhaps that reflects poorly on your parents. Perhaps that reflects poorly on you. Perhaps that reflects poorly on all of you. Obviously, you appear to be in desperate need of therapy to get over that and I hope some day you get there.
But don’t believe for one second that your warped, distorted view of the impact life after divorce has on children is representative of most situations. Our kids are all thriving, despite the crazy-assed antics of the one parent of the four who hasn’t moved beyond their childish behaviors and actions once they’ve learned that the world (or their ex-husband) isn’t there to cater to their every effort to control everything.
I pray that your children (or future children) don’t learn such selfish behaviors and attitudes from you.
My children? They get to spend 50% of their time in the company of someone who shows them how to love their father and them unconditionally. They get to spend 50% of their time in the company of someone who is invested as much in them as she is her own kids and cares deeply for them beyond their next lego set or next visit to the WWE arena. Not only that, they get to see in DW and POE (her ex) how two people can care enough about each other and their children not pull the type of shit that their mother pulls on their father. They have the opportunity to see a grown woman who acts normal, who works cooperatively with her ex as he does with her, all for the children, and all while advancing in their own lives.
In addition, they get to see all of those same things in reverse as is demonstrated by their father.
They see 4 adults in various situations post-divorce. 3 of them are clearly normal functioning, normal behaving individuals without a bad thing to say about one another. The 4th, their mother, is left as the odd-person out. That’s the biggest lesson of all. They know who the misbehaving, combative, caustic grown-up is. It’s the one who hasn’t moved on with her life. It’s the one who regularly proclaims much as you suggest, “Everything I do everyday is for MY children…” It’s wrong and it’s unhealthy.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:24 am
GREAT response to Kennedy. I would have loved to respond earlier, but now that you both have, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
The non acceptance from a step child is hard but expected. The loyalty of the child to the natural parent has put me through the mangle emotionally. However, he now (15) can see the sense of loyalty in the context of the relationship and not the deed. In other words loyal whatever the behaviour from her because he is blood relation, not loyal to the actual things she does to us as a couple.
We live so differently to the other household. He returns from visits with all the bad manners in tact. Unwashed (not reminded to or teeth cleaned),fed junk (skin poor and pale) all clothes smell greasy. He is totally unaware he has not done the usual things he does here including the very few chores expected of him, because you have to remind him. His mother “chills” all day. So without rambling we have that house and their manners in our house until he is settled again. This can take up to 10-14 days of re adjustment. Yes, he still wishes to visit Mum but with new bro who kicks up a fuss when he goes he has no intention of living there. We gave the choice recently when we had had enough and there was a resounding NO to the offer.
I can understand the lady who says she sees the ex wife in the child. It is because you have her in the house uninvited and you can’t make her leave! Try and find some common ground with the children and do something no one else does with them - ask them their dreams, but don’t buy them stuff. That never works anything like time and effort does.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
What a great and honest article. Last week, my bf said of D2, “I’ve called her for days and she is not answering my calls or letting me know if she is coming this weekend… she is getting more and more like her mother,” and I could only respond, “please don’t say that.”
I absolutely adore D2, but when I hear of her social problems, or see her displaying typical impulsive teenage behaviors I think to myself, “is it growing pains or BPD pains?” Luckily bf has her see a counselor who PEW doesn’t like to take her too, because the counselor called out PEW on her behavior. No surprise, I know.
Or when D1 calls from out of state to borrow money that we don’t have, when her facebook has indicated she’s been partying and living it up all week… use that money to pay your bill first D1! Learn to be a grown-up! Don’t be a shallow version of your mooching mother! Isn’t it bad enough that PEW gets child support and alimony based on when your father made $50K more than he makes now? What about us? When do we get to start enjoying our money as much as you 3 are enjoying our money?
I guess time will tell…
December 17th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
You’re so brave and honest to write this out. I know EXACTLY how you feel.
December 18th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Wow I am glad I found this site. My SD15 is not like her mother at all, I think she tries hard NOT to be like her. Unfortunately my SD9 is sooo much like her mother. When she yells, argues, lies, steals, etc I see their crazy, lying, felon, addict, mentally ill biological mother. I have to remind myself they are not the same person so I don’t take out my anger and frustration on the kids.
January 9th, 2010 at 12:47 am
I’m glad there are people out there that understand this situation. I have had times when I was SO frustrated with my 3 stepchildren. Luckily, they are actually very good kids, considering all their mother has done to them. My husband and I have had custody of them since their mother abandoned them for an inmate she ran off with from the prison where she worked (when he paroled out).
I have tried to be a substitute mother to the kids, though they will always want their mom. I’ve tried to let them know that’s okay.
We seemed to be doing fine, til she came back a year ago. I think she really believed that we would give the kids back to her, but no way. We found out about all the times and ways she put the kids in danger, and they are going nowhere.
Sometimes since she’s been back in their lives, the kids are much more difficult, because of the lies she tells them. She is trying her best to make them hate me, and my oldest SS13 is falling for it-he was always closer to his mom and always wanted her. She has gotten him to do some pretty crappy stuff around our house to cause problems-hurting the other kids and stealing stuff from me-he is good at it cuz all her convict boyfriends taught him how to steal….
Anyway, at those times, it makes me SO mad, and I feel so guilty, cuz when the kids are doing stuff like this, I look at them and totally see their mother. It makes me think of all the things she has done to me, and to my husband, to try to split me and my husband up. But my main problem with her is with what she has done to the kids!
I know this isn’t their fault, it’s their mothers. They have no clue what she has done, or what she is trying to do, and I don’t need to be constantly pointing out all of their mothers’ flaws, cuz I know they’ve been hurt enough by what she’s done, so I just bite my tongue. It’s hard for me to seperate in my mind what they’re doing, from what she’s doing, cuz she usually puts them up to it. I hope one day they’ll realize how wrong it is, what she’s doing, and how hard their Dad and I have tried to let them have a good life.
February 9th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
It nice too hear my feelings are shared,it is such a needlessly heartbreaking situation. My hubbys ex is a freak, she lost her teaching licence for sleeping with a 16 yr old when she was married to him and had 4 kids at home.3 years later… everything that has been named here she has done and more; burgerly, assault, threatening suicide…all using(breaking into hubbys home) or in front of 4 kids, the boy she slept with even babysat and had sleepovers after hubby left. Lucky for her she goes to the right church and NEVER is accountable for her actions. Infact she has avoided prosecution for domestic violence this last summer.We simply do not have the time or money to try and expose all of her crap. You wouldnt believe how powerful the mormon church is in our town!! These kids are starting to echo her perceptions and manipulate. I feel extremely anxious because we had a son 5 mo. ago and it is only escalating, she is extremely threatened by our addition. This woman should have went to jail, she is thoroughly disliked in our community but she could care less. She even tried to coach a basketball team but that didnt happen…guess whos to blame? Us! She is demented yet is the hero in the kids eyes and a victim too. There is not even a chance that we could have that healthy co parent relationship to preserve these kids, she thinks its okay to sleep with children, just imagine what she does to her own!! Sick mother = sick kids…..what does that mean for everyone else…better how in the world do we help these kids when they only come on weekends…IF she lets them? We are the bad ones either way! We do our best but will it be good enough?
March 10th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
[...] to liking Mr. M’s children again? Ah, the million dollar question that is always talked about from this blog post years ago. Have you ever had a friend of family member that did something really stupid? Something [...]