The Psycho Ex Wife

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PEW and PP (Psycho Ex Wife and Psycho Ex Sil) have a black and white relationship - always have. If given the choice between these two going at it or juggling 3 big bottles of nitroglycerin - I’d opt for taking my chances on the juggling.

Most of these battles pre-date my saving evidence efforts which go back to about 2000 and the example I provide for your enjoyment today is actually the conclusion of a war between the two which began over the phone. I recall one of the voice mails PP left for PEW - and in an earlier post referenced a voice that only Satan could love. It really sounded like the devil managed to get hold of my unlisted phone number. We’re talking mutual exchanges of “I WILL COME DOWN THERE AND FUCK YOU UP” and other endearing, loving familial sentiments.

Now, I’m not sure what the hell was the actual issue. I believe it had something to do with PP arranging a “family girls weekend down the seashore” while we were preparing to move this month in 2001 and PEW decided it was a deliberate attempt to scuttle PEW’s plans to be rid of her sons for a day. PEW, of course, felt slighted, and this fight descended into a battle over who could trump the other over who had the most miserable existence in this pack of fucked-up family members. You think I’m joking? Oh, no! After the phone slugfest concluded, it “spilled out into the email” system. I will paste the email exchange exactly as written (except the name changes). Read on:

PEW (to PP):

Ok, first of all, here is what was said. Mommy called me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you said you wanted PP to take S9 for you next week.” And I said, “No mom, I said ‘PP, when you are feeling better, you HAVE to take S9 for a day… to the playground or to lunch or something’ ….I said I’ll pay, I don’t care, I’d just like to have a day without him up my ass” Do you remember us having that conversation PP? I didn’t say anything about the day being before the move or after the move or anything specific. That’s what I said to Mommy. Now, let me say this, I don’t give a shit if you help me with the move. I can do it without your help. But I will say, I was counting on mommy maybe taking S9 on the weekend for a few hours, but you took care of that didn’t you? You’ve arranged this whole girls weekend down the shore and you’ve known I was moving for months! But that’s ok because Mommy deserves at least one decent trip down the shore. I hope it is nice for her. She deserves it after all the bullshit.

Now for the second part, I think you are a wonderful Aunt. I happen to know that you love S9 very much. You HAVE gotten much better over the past three years. I am asking you to THINK before you open your big yapper! From now on I am going to point shit out to you EVERY TIME you say it. I let far to many things come out of your mouth without addressing them. I too will watch what I say to you. If I say something that hurts you….TELL ME right away.

As for the depression, I have been chronically depressed too for at least the past 5-years. I have had lots of problems over the past 15-years. Did you know that? You obviously have NO idea or maybe you don’t care. I’ve BEEN in therapy too. Off and on for the past 9 years. Did you know that? I’m sorry if my progress doesn’t meet your standards. Your problems are always WORSE than mine, because I have a husband, right? I lived in the same house as you did growing up. We all had it the same. Dont tell me that you had it worse. The only reason you had it worse is because you had such a big mouth. We are ALL fucked up….ALL OF US. None worse than the other….got it? You need to start making better decisions…THAT is your problem. STop blaming our childhood. You are an adult now…you know the difference between right and wrong. IT blows my mind that you are so insensed at people bring up YOUR past, when all you do is talk about the OLD days with Daddy. You are constantly making references to the past. That cannot be good for Mommy and Daddy, can it?

As far as the suicide thing, I’ve considered killing myself too….many, many, many times. How does that make you feel? ARe you threatening me when you bring it up in this email? Like I better be nice to you or you’ll kill yourself?

I thought surgery was a good idea too, but now the whole breast thing is just fucked up. I thought if you lost weight you’d be happy. But you won’t be. You knwo why? Because you are just like Daddy. No matter how many positive things you have in your life, You will always always have something else you want or need. You can’t just have a mountain house…you gotta have a shore house. Can’t just have 2 cars….gotta have 5. You are JUST like him except you make less money. Get back into therapy.

The problem I have with the rocker comment is that….YOU WERE NOT KIDDING. You really think that I did not pay. I fucking did pay. I paid mommy. You told me that she put out the money, but she owed you for Father’s Day, so I said, “Well I’ll give it to her and she can give it to you so that she can’t say I didn’t pay her.” Got it?? As for the money I’ve lent you…..I wrote it off a long long time ago, but don’t you say that you “let me go so many times” YOu are so full of shit. You better have a list if you’re going to say that shit. We don’t have a tab running, but if you want to fucking start one….let’s do it. My side starts with the $2500 on it. Start deducting from there all the “aledged’ time you let me go. Don’t ever ebarrass me like you did at Aunt S’s on monday or I will embarrass you right back, so you think twice before you do that again.

I love you, but if you don’t want me in your life that’s fine, but if you want to be in mine you better watch your MOUTH. I don’t care how good you are now compared to before that still doesn’t make it ok for you to say the shit you say.

PP (back to PEW):

I DON’T WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. YOU ARE SO FUCKED UP. IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY. YOU SAY A LOT OF HATEFUL SHIT THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT OK JUST CAUSE YOU’RE A FAT SLOB OUT OF CONTROL OF HER EMOTIONS.

My commentary: One major thing sticks out to me in that exchange. That major thing is that if I were PP, I definitely would have used an exclamation point at the end of that all-caps bitchback. Use of the period, in my opinion, takes all of the steam out of the all-caps effort.

Lesser items worth noting:

1. “Mommy” and “Daddy.” You will see me seethe at this often. I can’t stand it. I can’t. Two supposedly grown people, adults, still referring to their mother and father as “Mommy and Daddy” speaks volumes of where their development stopped… somewhere around age 8 or 9. Mom and Dad. Mother and Father. Mommy and Daddy should be gone by age 5.
2. “I wanted to commit suicide more than you did, nyeah-nyeah!”
3. Look at PP, trying to rip off another family member!
4. These are the people who have custody of the children 50% of the time. I figure I’ll be dead of a heart attack due to stress and worry sometime during the next 5-years. I may be a good father with a magnificent partner, but it’s really hard to overcome the 50% influence that group of assbags has on my children.
5. Why couldn’t I have seen that information 7-years earlier?
6. Yeah, I know - I married it. Eat me.

Can you feel the love?