The Psycho Ex Wife

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Way back when, I was trying to close the gap between the past and the present, with the last 2005 installment being the Big Confrontations Series.  It was important for me to stand my ground and hold PEW to an agreement for once.  Still, I knew that doing so wouldn’t be without a cost to me somewhere down the road.  I had a good idea when that would be with our own vacation slated to take place a mere 2-weeks after hers.

As previously detailed in the above linked series, several months in advance of our vacation week - we communicated what and where.  We confirmed this a few times since DW intially made the arrangements.  Vacation was to be from July 9th through July 16th of 2005.  Then, with her uncanny ability to cause upset and chaos, PEW came at us with a “July 10th” email and all hell broke loose.

As you already are aware, her originally requested vacation was for a half-week, July 3rd through July 6th, because she “couldn’t afford to take anymore time off.” As usual, I offered to exchange them as early as July 1st so that they could get started earlier, especially since we had agreed to my vacation request from the 9th until the 16th.

Well, that just wasn’t going to happen.  So, instead of us taking 1 vehicle, with all 4 children, and a single 4-hour drive, we ended up taking 2 cars, separately, with DW driving 4-hours with her children, and me driving separately a full day to pick up the boys at the “compromised” location and get to the vacation destination in time for bed.  It cost us the entire Saturday of planned activities, not to mention the increase in drive-time, gas expenses, and everything else.  Of course, to this day she probably still doesn’t realize that her desire to get back at me requires her to unnecessarily burden the children.  Also, remember the word “compromise” because I’ll detail what PEW considers a “compromise” later in this post.

We have a couple of our usual mindless phone discussions where we demonstrate what idiots we can be, starting with this one on July 8th, 2005:

PEW: Hello?
LM: Hey. Before we get started, I wanted to let you know that, as always, this conversation is being recorded.
PEW: Hey. Fine.
LM: Umm, I may have mistimed my arrival tomorrow so I was probably gonna give you a call in the morning to let you know when I leave so I can give you a better gauge on when to meet.
PEW. Mmmhmm. I thought you said you were in [destination state]?
LM: No, that’s going to be tomorrow.
PEW: Oh, when we just talked and I asked you where you were you said [destination state].
LM: Oh no, I thought that was in reference to tomorrow. You asked me if I was in [another state] or [destination state] and I said [destination state].

Who cares?  Remember when I talk about low-contact and idle chit-chat and mindless chatter - this is another prime example of what not to do.  Sucker getting sucked into side discussions that have no bearing on the topic at hand.

PEW: Oh. All right.
LM: And… what’s that?
PEW: Do you have an estimated time?
LM: Uh, it might be, uh, if you take the ferry ride, it might be a little bit easier for me to tell you. I’d have to, uh, there is no way you would want to take the ferry ride over to the [destination state] side?
PEW: Well why me and not you?

Well, first - it would mean the kids would get to their vacation with dad 2-hours earlier and maybe we could all have dinner together. Silly me, thinking about such things.  It’s already not going well, but I’m over the proverbial barrel.  What goes around comes around.  Tit-for-tat.  I earned this treatment by holding her to her promises and agreements.

LM: Well, because when your attorney contacted my attorney and said something about there being a compromise and it sounds to me like you’re getting me back for having you stand by your agreement to come down here and pick them up last weekend.
PEW: Yeah, well I guess so. Maybe that’s part, that’s part of it. I mean, I could have you pick them up on Sunday [at my house], but…

She doesn’t even try to hide it.  She’s actually considered alternative “compromises” that involve making things even more inconvenient and disruptive to the vacation.  Yes, this after I moved up the exchange time for her vacation period 2-days (offering 3) before it would have started otherwise.  Remember the old adage “no good deed goes unpunished.” PEW’s are why that adage exists.

LM: Well you did have them last weekend, so I mean…
PEW: Yeah we didn’t get to [vacation destination] until 8:30 at night.

Let me finish that sentence for her: “…TWO DAYS BEFORE YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERWISE GOTTEN THERE BECAUSE I EXCHANGED THE BOYS WITH YOU SO THAT YOU COULD START YOUR VACATION EARLIER THAN PLANNED!” Isn’t it amazing how they just completely disregard the details that would demonstrate just how vindictive they can be?  Let’s leave out the important details that would mean having to acknowledge that I actually thought of the children and adjusted the schedule so that they could start their vacation with her earlier.  My GOD what a total dick I am!

LM: Well, you were still in custody of them for the weekend.
PEW: Mmmhmm, but you had them for part of the weekend…
LM: Yeah, I know and that’s why we’re doing the Saturday thing I guess.
PEW: Mmmhmm.
LM: I think it’s kind of ridiculous that your lawyer sends a fax with a ridiculous notion that you’re willing to quote “compromise” and you’re not compromising at all.
PEW: I’m not?
LM: No, not really.
PEW: I’m bringing them to [closer location to me].
LM: Tomorrow it’s just a matter of who is doing the ferry ride.
PEW: Mmmhmm.
LM: That’s all.
PEW: Right. Well, last weekend I spent $40 in gas and $20 in tolls so I’m not about to pay for a ferry ride tomorrow.

But it’s all about the money for me.  Again, she completely has blocked out that her vacation started 2-days earlier due to my flexibility.  She’s just going to get me back for holding her to her agreement no matter what.

LM: So, it’s about money and it’s about getting me back for last weekend and it’s not about compromising or doing right by the kids, is that right?
PEW: Yeah, because anything I do for you goes unnoticed… any of the concessions I give you are unappreciated.
LM: You don’t give me… you don’t give me any concessions PEW.
PEW: I do.
LM: What concessions do you give me?
PEW: You had them last week, didn’t you?
LM: I had them… I had them last week because I had a vacation with them that I’m allowed to take with them, right?
PEW: Well…
LM: That’s not a concession. It’s, I mean…
PEW: Yeah, but I wasn’t under any obligation to do that.
LM: Actually, you are under an obligation to that, I gave you plenty of advanced notice, which is ironic, too, now that you mention that. You knew about that week but suddenly couldn’t remember the fact that I told you the 9th to the 16th, I find that interesting.

These are the types of discussions that make people with PEW’s think that they’re the crazy ones.  PEW has never made concessions and rarely, if ever, been flexible with the schedule unless there was “something in it for her.”  In this case, her “concession” wasn’t a concession at all.  It was my prior vacation week which she was under a court order to follow.  That’s a PEW’s idea of a “concession” - doing what they’re supposed to do! 

PEW: I remembered that you had a vacation planned for next week but I don’t remember discussing particular days that it was going to begin, I mean to me, a vacation goes from like Sunday…
LM: How did you, how did you remember that the vacation that I took at the end of June was going to begin on the 25th but you just, POOF, couldn’t remember that I was going to have them for vacation this week. I’m just curious.
PEW: When did you pick them up last week? I don’t even remember. Was it a Friday?
LM: No it was, ah, Saturday evening.
PEW: Yeah, so why would I assume that this vacation was going to begin on Saturday evening?
LM: Uh, because we talked about the particulars but you only remember the particulars when it’s convenient for you.
PEW: We didn’t talk about particulars. Stop making up stories. What do you want right now? What do you want from me?

She’s not a very good liar.  Not at all.

LM: I wanted to find out if you were willing to come across to the [destination state] side and also to find out if you were doing this not as, this isn’t about you compromising, it’s about getting me back, just like everything is.
PEW: This is… the kids are here they’re having a great time, my [entire family is] here…
LM: You didn’t even spend the whole week with them. Some vacation that must have been.
PEW: [Grandmom] is  here, [dad's friend] is here, my dad is here, took them fishing took them crabbing took them to beach…
LM: That’s wonderful.
PEW: Took them to the boardwalk, bought hermit crabs…
LM: Hey I know they spend a lot of time with your family, they should be spending more time with their father, though.
PEW: I think they should be spending more time with their father’s family moreso than their father. I’ll drop them off at your mother’s tomorrow.
LM: That’s not a…
PEW: What?
LM: This is you compromising again, right, taking them further away.  That’s a compromise, too?

So far, everything she’s suggested as a compromise has been further away.

PEW: I don’t know. I don’t know, what do you want?
LM: I…
PEW: We’re having a great time on our vacation, so…
LM: At least the part you were actually there for.
PEW: Yeah, well, they’re not, I mean… they’re not ready to come back to DW-LM bootcamp.
LM: DW-LM bootcamp, is that what you think it is around here?
PEW: Yeah.
LM: Why, because they have consequences for bad behavior, that’s bootcamp? You don’t have any idea what they do here. Do you know that they don’t watch TV here because we don’t have cable yet? They do all kinds of stuff when you actually interact with them and you don’t plop their butts down in front of the TVs and computers and stuff like that.

There it is again!  The hook firmly embedded in my cheek as I get dragged off into tangentville!  Sucker!

PEW: We don’t do that either, we haven’t done that all week. They haven’t watched TV at all.
LM: How about when you’re not on vacation having everybody else take care of them?
PEW: I don’t have a nanny, I know that. And you and DW are only parents every other weekend and every other week.
LM: It’s not for lack of desire, anytime you want to switch the primary to me I’m more than ready for it.
PEW: No, I’m not, I’m not ready to do that.
LM: I know because you want to use he kids as a weapon and as a pawn and as a negotiating tool.
PEW: Why? I’m hanging up now, goodbye.
LM: Are you going to come to the [vacation destination] side of the ferry or the [your] side?
PEW: No, no LM. Remember last weekend?
LM: So, it’s payback – I just wanted to make sure before I hang up that it’s about paying me back and not about the compromise that your attorney’s letter faxed over in the letter.
PEW: That is a compromise, I’m giving the kids to you tomorrow.
LM: Thanks. Thanks for letting me know, I’ll call you tomorrow.

The compromise?  I had to drive a 2nd-car 245-miles, lose an entire day’s vacation with the children, and spend 3-hours on a ferry.  PEW had to drive 11-miles. That’s a psycho ex-wife’s idea of “compromising.”

Foolishly, I try again the next day, July 9th, 2005.  I was desperate and it shows:

PEW: Hello?
LM: Good morning.  Conversation is being recorded, just to let you know.
PEW: Morning.  That’s fine.
LM: I was just getting ready to roll out and I was wondering if I reimbursed you for the ferry ride, if you would, ah, take it with the boys?
PEW: Why? I don’t really understand why you’re so bent on me doing the ferry ride and not you?
LM: Because I can get things done an hour earlier and get them to dinner on time and stuff like that.
PEW: Mmmhmm. Okay, last weekend, last weekend I asked you to meet me somewhere and you refused so that I could start my vacation with the boys a little earlier and maybe actually have a day at the shore, but you refused.

Obtuse.  She has just wiped from her memory that I wasn’t obligated to exchange the children until 7PM on Sunday, July 4th, 2005.  This would mean she wouldn’t get to her vacation destination until midnight on that Sunday and more likely she would have just left the following morning after a good night’s sleep.  My GOD, what a dick I am! Such an inflexible, uncompromising asshole!  She got there 2 days earlier and at a reasonable time in the evening.  You know what, for being so inconsiderate, I deserved this treatment, who am I kidding?

LM: Let’s get something straight, okay, because I explained this to you last week. My intention was to pick up the boys Friday night so that I could start a vacation that you knew about for 3 months, on time.
PEW: I never…
LM: Last weekend has nothing to do with this weekend in so far as last week, you said you were coming down to pick up the boys. You said so all week. I made plans for Saturday because you said “I’ll see you at 9 o’clock in the morning.” Subsequent to that, you decide to start the fiasco that you’re not coming down anymore. Okay? So I’m not doing this to you last minute. You’ve known since, even if you’re gonna sit here and claim that you didn’t know I had vacation from the 9th to the 16th, you’ve at least known since you sprung “the 10th” on me which is about a week-and-a-half ago…
PEW: No.
LM: …that my intention was to get them early Saturday. You’ve at least known since June 29th, if not sooner, you’ve at least known since the 29th that it was from the 9th to the 16th, okay? So, that’s why I’m making a last-ditch effort. You’ve claimed that it was a compromising and you really only have to drive about 11 miles to the ferry place and it’s really not much of a compromise, and you already told me it’s about getting me back for the fact that you didn’t want to honor the agreement.
PEW: I did not tell you that! First of all, I had my car in the shop…

Oh, no!  Not the “piece of shit car” excuse again!  Please, Lord, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

LM: You didn’t tell me last night it was about, when I said this is about getting me back and you said “Yeah, that’s a big part of it.”
PEW: No, it’s not about getting you back, it’s about the fact that I’m the only one that compromises ever. You never compromise.
LM: PEW, I asked for the 9th to the 22nd and you said “no” because you wanted to wait for [Gloria’s] report and go to court. So I lopped 5-days off the back end of that. Then you called me up and asked me from the 3rd instead of the 2nd because you wanted to get started a day early, can I move it up to the 2nd, which I do for you, so there’s two compromises, okay? Please stop with the contention that I don’t compromise, that’s all I ever do.
PEW: Here, S1 wants to talk to you.

[S1 and I engage in a short conversation before PEW and I continue]

PEW: All right. So what does it look like time-wise?
LM: I don’t know. I’ll be rolling out and I’ll let you know as I get closer since you don’t really have to drive that far.
PEW: Right. Okay.
LM: Back to the compromising deal. So now that I’ve lopped fully, mmm… I don’t know, 6-days that I wanted to spend with the kids so that a – you could get them on Saturday last weekend and, b – you could keep them until Saturday this weekend and you’re telling me that you’ve compromised. That’s what your contention is.
PEW: Okay.
LM: Don’t “okay” – it’s a real simple question, is it yes or no? Who compromised here? Did I not give them to you a day earlier, at your request and keep them a day later, at your request, and not say that I won’t keep them until the 22nd, at your request. I mean, are those things I did not do? Yes or no?
PEW: No.
LM: Okay. So who is gonna say I didn’t compromise?
PEW: No you didn’t.
LM: So, even though I did all of those things, none of those things qualifies to you as a compromise, is that what you’re telling me? What are they if not compromises? What are they if not acquiescing to more demands by you? What are they?
PEW: First of all, as far as giving them to me on Saturday, the only problem with that is that I had to drive 10 hours.
LM: I understand that but you gotta remember that you keep blaming other people for things that you do.
PEW: No, I had my car in the shop…
LM: Oh stop with the car in the shop excuse, PEW.
PEW: I did.
LM: There is nothing wrong with your car. I understand if it’s in the shop, I have my car in the shop, too, periodically, it doesn’t stop me from picking up my children when I want them, okay? And you’re getting off on a tangent. The fact is you made an agreement with me to come down and get those kids last Saturday and then decided at the 11th hour decided it was too inconvenient for you. It had nothing to do with the reliability of your car. It’s just because you didn’t want to do what you said you were going to do. That’s it, that’s the only reason. Didn’t [Sergeant P.] tell you that on the phone? The only person keeping you from getting your kids is you, didn’t he say that?
PEW: Sergeant P.? Oh, now you’re on a first-name basis with the Sheriff, too?
LM: No, I just don’t remember his last name that’s why I call him Sheriff P.
PEW: Just like Gloria, you, and DW are like, best friends. So much so…
LM: You’re still avoiding the question and getting off on a tangent.
PEW: So much so that DW said that when she sat down, Gloria said “what are we going to do about this PEW?”
LM: (partially inaudible) …but you’re getting off on a tangent again. Back to the issue at hand.
PEW: “What are we gonna do about this PEW?”
LM: Last weekend didn’t happen because of anything I did, it happened because of (inaudible).
PEW: It did happen. It happened because of something that you and DW did.
LM: What? We made you? We’re the ones who said… did we force you tell us “yes, I’m coming to pick them up on Saturday” on Tuesday or whatever it was that week and then Thursday and then Friday morning? Hey if you can’t meet me I’m coming down at 9 o’clock in the morning, you didn’t say that?
PEW: I’ll tell you what, I’m never, I’ll never drive that again. Never. Cause, I didn’t move to [your state]. I didn’t shack-up.

LOL… “shack up.”  Still makes me laugh.

LM: Oh, will you stop with the insults, will ya?
PEW: You didn’t care what the custody was gonna be.
LM: I absolutely cared what the custody was going to be, that’s what this whole thing is about.
PEW: You just left.
LM: Stop with the bitterness and revisionist history and dwelling on the past and concentrate on your kids instead of yourself.
PEW: How could I not be bitter about you dumping your kids after knowing someone (inaudible) months? You knew her for 3 months.
LM: I didn’t dump those kids. Didn’t dump those kids. Didn’t dump those kids. And anytime, you know, with all the bitchin’ you do about how difficult things are I said give me the primary custody that I want and we won’t have dumped the kids, right? Stop complaining about being a mom. That’s all you ever do.
PEW: Why would I want, why would I want you to have primary custody of the kids when, you know…
LM: Because I don’t complain when I have them, PEW.
PEW: I don’t complain, either.
LM: I don’t complain about how difficult it is and the wreckage, and the dramatics that your sister, I left and the wreckage that I left in my wake. Please. Remember who asked for the divorce, PEW, okay? All right?
PEW: Yeah, and, but…
LM: The custody arrangements aren’t any different here than if I lived in [a list of several locales that were living options for me closer to PEW] or anything of that matter. Okay?
PEW: You’re not… You wouldn’t, you wouldn’t have had to live there. And you know what.
LM: It doesn’t matter, the only thing is it’s an inconvenience for you, it’s not like I ask you to drive all the time, it’s not like it’s an inconvenience for you on any significant level, it’s just a matter of breakin’ stones with you.
PEW: No, it isn’t.
LM: It’s all it’s ever been for you. It was when we were married and then you wanted to get a divorce and you still want to do the same stuff.
PEW: No. You’re the only one that’s been breakin’ stones for the past year and a half.
LM: No I haven’t. No, I haven’t.
PEW: Yeah, you have. You have. You have.
LM: No, not true. Yeah, just like I don’t compromise. I give you three examples of compromising just in these next few weeks and you just can’t, you can’t… your wires get crossed, you’re like eh.. eh.. oh my God, he’s right, but I can’t say that he’s right because then I’d be wrong.
PEW: No, because there’s, I have plenty of examples of how I’ve compromised. Many, many times.
LM: What? What time? What? Meet me… meet me once in [exchange point] and demanding cash for it? That’s a compromise?
PEW: No, no. Like letting you have the kids every other weekend when I don’t agree with it. I think it’s too much driving. I’ve been letting you do it.
LM: Wait a second, but you’re not letting me do anything. It could be three weekends per month as per the agreement.
PEW: For now, until we go to court. When we go to court, you’re not gonna have the kids every other weekend when we go to court, it’s gonna be once a month.
LM: Yeah, that’s fine, however…
PEW: And you don’t care.
LM: I absolutely care. I wouldn’t be going to court if I didn’t care.
PEW: Yeah, cuz I offered you every other weekend, one in [this state], one in [that state].
LM: That’s not compromising.
PEW: That’s compromising.
LM: You’re making things difficult. You don’t have to pay for hotel rooms, you don’t have to inconvenience friends and family. Okay? It’s not about the kids for you.
PEW. Well, what’s more important?
LM: It’s about you. It’s about you being in control.
PEW: It’s about you. It’s about what’s best for you.
LM: No, what’s best for the kids.
PEW: That’s what it’s all about. No…
LM: Best for the kids. What’s best for the kids is not you demanding I stay in the area because that’s just what you want. That’s not what the kids want.
PEW: No, because it’s best for the kids.
LM: No, no it’s not best for the kids. Staying in a hotel room instead of being in their other home is best for the kids, is that what you’re telling me?

Yes it is… no it isn’t… yes it is… no it isn’t… did not… did too… did not… did too… Good grief.

PEW: No, you could have had a home in [marital town].
LM: No, I couldn’t have.
PEW: Yes, you could
LM: Stop, stop
PEW. You could.
LM: Stop.
PEW: But, you didn’t want that.
LM: You have no idea what the financial situation is. Okay?

Another break from reality.  I spent tens-of-thousands of dollars and struggled mightily to keep the marital home financially for a year after she walked out in the hopes of minimizing the upset for the children - all as a big smoke-screen to go “shack-up” with DW.  Holy frigging insanity.  She’s got it all figured out all right…

PEW: Yeah, I know that you and DW bought her home, that her and POE bought together. It’s not even your own house.
LM: Is that what you think?
PEW: Yeah, so pathetic. Yep.
LM: No no no no, No.
PEW: I know, I have suspicions that [the Nanny] is like, her sister or something, too.
LM: You do have suspicions that [the Nanny] is her sister?
PEW: Mmmhmm.
LM: And now your paranoia is acting up again is that it?
PEW: Well, I’ll get to the bottom of…
LM: You think you know so much and you have no idea.
PEW: I’ll get to the bottom of all of it, don’t worry.
LM: All right. All right.

Readers, can you remember that this phone discussion was supposed to be about the exchange for vacation with the boys? Can you see the paranoia coming out? DW’s sister doesn’t even live in the same state as us but she’s our nanny. And why would it be pathetic if we bought the house that DW and POE owned when they were married? We didn’t, we built our house, but not the point for PEW, her paranoid mind takes over.

PEW: So, are we done?
LM: I guess, unless you want to keep lying in the phone some more.
PEW: Right. But you’re the one who wants to keep talking to me.
LM: No, I was just calling up to give you one last shot to demonstrate that you’re actually doing something to compromise so that when I say, “Your honor, this was by no means a compromise and here’s why” I can say “here, here in her own words, here’s what she said.”
PEW: You, you’re… when you go in front of the judge…
LM: Have a good day, PEW, I’ll call you when I get to the ferry place.

Lot of wasted time, lot of wasted words.  Why didn’t I just accept that she was simply going to screw everyone over as she always has and always will?  Because I didn’t learn about low-contact. I was still trying to reason with someone who is utterly incapable of reason.

Folks, when you read these passages that represent prime examples of how NOT to handle situations with your high-conflict ex - go read the low-contact article again.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve read it 100-times.  Read it again.  Spare yourself this pain and embarrassment and waste.  It WILL bring peace to your life and relationships.