The Psycho Ex Wife

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You’ll recall that there has been much discussion about high-conflict ex-spouses using “braces” (orthodontia, of all things) as a tool to put additional financial pressure on the struggling normal ex-spouse.  Well, it’s time to bring you up to speed on S1’s braces issue - we’re under way!  I haven’t done an update since last August when I posted: The Orthodontist War Heats Up.

In an email where we had to discuss childcare arrangements because summer camp had been completed with a few weeks left to go, she wrote to me:

By the way all of the appointments with the Orthodontist are cancelled including tues. I will take care of that issue.

Yes, she went ahead and made the first 3 appointments unilaterally.  Fortunately, by that time, I had called and explained the situation and the orthodontist’s office understood.  They were to call me when ANYTHING changed regarding the children - and so far they have.

Interestingly, they had called me on Monday, 8/24/2009 to remind me about the appointment PEW had scheduled for the 25th.  Imagine their surprise when I told them that PEW emailed me the previous day to tell me she had already canceled the appointments.  She hadn’t.  I think it validated the “difficulties” I had carefully described regarding the situation.  So, I intended to show up for the “re-consult” that was scheduled for PEW (primarily), which also confirms that she has been blathering on about stuff about which she has no clue regarding dentistry, orthodontia, and how it pertains to S1.

On the morning of 8/25/2009, I got a call from them again.  PEW called and canceled all appointments.  They asked me if I wanted to meet with them anyway.  I said, “Yes, I do.” I went to the appointment and the first thing I did was apologize profusely to the office staff who have been dealing with this latest “crisis,” and at the same time, thanked them for their understanding and for calling me when something changed.  I then handed them a letter I drafted and signed that, in effect informed them of the joint-legal custody and joint-decision-making requirements of our custody agreement.  It further instructed them that due to the elective nature of the procedure and my current unemployment situation, no work was authorized without my prior written consent.  You see, back in the late spring or early summer, I floated the idea of moving ahead if PEW was willing to pay for things while I was seeking employment.  She said she would think about it.  Subsequent to that, she said “no.”  I had anticipated being able to find a job before she had paid for half, and even if I didn’t, it was on me to pay for the second half anyway.  How we paid for half didn’t really matter as we were both responsible.  There were a number of ways to arrange things so that we could move ahead sooner rather than later, otherwise, we would have to wait for me to get a job.

Anyway, they understood, accepted it, and filed in S1’s folder right before my eyes.  They added what they said at the initial consultation - “Mister-M, the bottom line is this, no one ever died from having crooked teeth.  When you’re in a better position to take care of this, just know we’ll be ready.  He has time.” Thank you.  My guess - she found another orthodontist to do the work, probably has scheduled appointments and will attempt to do an end-run on me.

Now, bringing things up to speed a little bit more quickly.  While not entirely low-contact, it was an important matter pertaining to the children which required dialogue.  I would love to have gotten S1 started last year.  Had I been working, this would have been a non-issue.

LM,

I’m making an appt today for S1 to get his first round of spacers. I will then submit the bill to [child support enforcement] for your half. You’re too much.

~PEW

I reply:

PEW,

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am unable to agree with moving forward so soon on S1’s braces. You cannot make such decisions unilaterally as per the court order.

Sincerely,
LM

On August 20th, 2009, the confusing escalation began in earnest with the story detailed in The Inevitable Discovery of ThePsychoExWife. In her email to me, she says, “I will be paying for the braces myself.”

On August 29th, 2009, she tries again…

LM,

I’m trying again, please tell me what I can do to have you consent to at least let S1 get the palate expander. I could hold the bill until your situation improves? I’m willing to work with you on this. I know I said I was not going to email ever again, but I am supposing that is not realistic when it comes to certain circumstances. I would really like to resolve this for S1, it’s going to be unpleasant enough for him.

~PEW

Now, I had previously suggested that if she was willing to cover the first half of the work or until I got a job, we could proceed - it was something we actually had discussed after the initial consultation. However, after her threat to proceed without my agreement and with me unemployed, this message wasn’t going to help allay my fears about her doing just what she said in the threat. To [CSE] - an unreimbursed medical expense is an unreimbursed medical expense, regardless of what we agreed to outside of the court’s order. I did not reply.

Between August 29th and September 15th, there was too much back-and-forth over this issue and counseling for the children, her fiction that the braces situation was a critical “emergency” (it was not) and my claims to the contrary (truth). Sharing all of that would make this post entirely too long, so we’ll move ahead where she now claims she will do my suggestion about getting things started with her starting the payments. I was 100% committed to putting the agreement in writing, not only for my own piece-of-mind, but for hers, too. This was not an inexpensive endeavor. Also in that back-and-forth was her disclosure that she did unilaterally take S1 to a new orthodontist and then refused to disclose who it was to me. She was going to try to make that end-run and she was so arrogant about it that she would tell me about her intentions.

LM,

I’d be happy to delay you’re portion of the payments for 6 months, just so that the expander can be put in. If I file the thing, they are going to allow me to do it, there’s no if about it, so it makes more sense for you to just consent and I’ll hold the bills. Even if I decided to be a bitch and submit the bill, you wouldn’t be required to pay the lump sum….my friend [deleted] pays like $20/month for the same thing. But I won’t do that…I’m just telling you, if you’re unemployed they are not going to make you pay the whole thing at once. We don’t have to do all the work at once….just the expander initially so that the other teeth have room to come in. You can see that the two are stuck and have no where to go. Here’s the letter from the new guy (attached) Let me know.

~PEW

Of course she is willing to do the right thing! …while putting into the same email that she has the opportunity to be a “bitch” and submit the expense to enforcement anyway. Doesn’t that just put everyone’s mind at ease that she won’t just do it? Her alleged cooperation is always surrounded by or couched with threats of litigation and/or enforcement, and I’m just supposed to jump at the “opportunity.”

PEW,

Two things:

- It is my preference that the boys go to Dr. [Ortho1] and I will be glad to send a letter and personally hand-deliver it okaying moving ahead with the plan.

- I would okay with signing (together) anything that would enable me to pay the back half of the costs.

We already know what the costs are and the payment plan with Dr. [Ortho1] and I have checked around and it’s very fair and inline with other costs.

~LM

Not unreasonable. It’s also probably not a guarantee against enforcement, but at least it would give me the confidence to forge ahead with S1’s braces, despite not being the life-of-death critical emergency that she likes to make everything into.

So, all this cooperative language, and when I say, “let’s put it in writing” - comes the first hedge…

LM,

Rather than saying you would pay the “back half” of the costs, couldn’t we just say we will postpone your payments to a later date based on your job situation or something. I’m not exactly in a great position financially either…I just want him to at least be able to get the expander.

~PEW

Hedge #1. I reply…

PEW,

“Whichever occurs first.” Are you good with Dr. [Ortho1]?

~LM

LM,

sure, but the other guy took xrays and molds so I’ll have to make sure we can transfer those over to Dr. [Ortho1]

~PEW

Between the 15th and the 22nd, no agreement letter was drafted, no news, no nothing, until September 22nd:

LM,

Did you go over and sign a consent for Dr. [Ortho1]?

~PEW

Oh, sure! After all that discussion and agreement, I’m just going to waltz over there without having that joint agreement signed with regard to payments. Before I could actually reply, she follows it up…

LM,

I’ll just go through the judge since I haven’t heard back. S1 needs counseling anyway and I really don’t feel like dealing with your crap.

~PEW

There it is!!! PEW reneging on an agreement! SHOCKER! You know, because she NEVER does that!

PEW,

Do what you want. You always do. I want an agreement documented between the two of us. We’ve discussed it but not taken care of it. Then we can proceed with Dr. [Ortho1]. Or, you can go to court. As always, your choice.

~LM

Her reversal was completely expected. After all of these years she has yet to demonstrate the ability to be cooperative on much of anything. What’s especially telling is that her alleged concern for the children begins and ends with the almighty dollar. This alleged “dental emergency” (to her) needed to be taken care of months earlier. The world was going to end if we didn’t start right away. Given every opportunity to start right away - the emergency takes a back seat to her desire to cause conflict. Someone who was genuinely concerned in the way she was trying to portray would have done what was suggested (and suggested to protect HER, too) - would have handled it.

LM,

Well LM, I’m not actually inclined to take the first half of the payments since you are generating income off of lies about me. The only one in this relationship with mental problems is YOU….AND even if the Orthodontist were settled which it’s not, there is still the issue of counseling…..so it’s your choice not mine.

~PEW

Projection and “all about her.” Where did the concern for S1’s health and well-being go? Right out the window when there was an opportunity to renege on an agreement in order to move ahead with the health and well-being of our child.

Translated into non-PEW language, the above says, “Since you have a blog that exposes my abhorrent behaviors and everything must always be turned into something about me, I am no longer interested in taking care of S1’s (alleged) medical emergency.”

Brilliant!  She never ever realizes how her stories, her versions of events, her portrayal of herself in situations like these are all predicated on lies, deception, and projection.  Never.  And once she gets her version of reality in her head, that’s the story she likes to tell people, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

Nothing happens after that until a shocker email on November 3, 2009, out of the blue, she writes to me: SUBJECT - FYI

LM,

Just letting you know I have not persued the braces because I can’t afford anything right now, I’m hoping in January for S1’s sake…..and I’m not going to pay the first half because trust me, I’m more broke than you.

~PEW

So, after all of that hemming and hawing, all of the threats, all of the lies, all of the backed-out-of agreements - PEW discloses that she doesn’t even have the money to move ahead with the braces anyway.

Eventually, the truth always comes out. It was about money. It wasn’t about an emergency. It wasn’t about posturing or threats. She never had the money to proceed with the braces at all! Of course, now that the truth of the matter comes out, what happens? The emergency tone vanishes. “SHE” can “wait until January” - which was precisely my point at the outset of this mess as I told her I fully expected to be able to find a job before then. Suddenly, because SHE didn’t have the money for it, everyone was expected to wait for her. Funny how she didn’t give me the same consideration and was only doing so for the engagement and the opportunity to cause chaos and terror.

It’s always amazing to see how PEWs believe that they can live by one set of rules while everyone else around them has to live by another.

Unfortunately, the last one got to me and I had a snap.

PEW,

Spare me about you being “broker” than I am. My situation is an unmitigated disaster right now, and all the while you take $400/month that is so desperately needed in this household right off of the kids table.

When you’re bringing in [only $$$] unemployment [compensation] which is about to run out, can’t get a frigging single company to call you back for an interview, and giving $400 of your lifeline to me and having your financial world crashing down around you, then come to me with how frigging “broke” you are, you thief. You’re a disgrace.

Until then, shut the hell up. And before you go start typing your manifesto about hidden income and bullshit like that - save it. You don’t need to justify for me why you’re taking child support when you’re making double what I am right now. Just laugh up your sleeve and remember - “the best interests of the children” that you love to pontificate about aren’t being served by your continuing to collect money to which you’re not entitled.

You’re self-serving, selfish, and couldn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone or anything but yourself.

Good day.

~LM

The pressure got to me. No two-ways about it. Being unemployed, struggling, being made to pay child support at an income figure I was no longer bringing in, the braces, the terror, when she asked for understanding because SHE was “broke” - I got pissed.

Of course, she replied:

LM,

Listen you fucking asshole….I provide an actual home for the kids….without mentally scarring them for life like you do. You are lucky I haven’t filed a petition for primary custody again….I really WANT to because you are hurting the situation more than helping….I just can’t take the time off of work….why don’t you stop with the “parental alienation” and start being a man? Meanwhile you are generating income from a website that bashes their family….you fucking loser. Go back to [home-state]…..you’re unstable for God’s sake. Who the fuck spends their days and nights writing about shit that happened five fucking years ago?? If you’re not working why are you utilizing after school care? You do know I know exactly what you do everyday right? If things are soooo bad for you, LEAVE!! that would be best for everyone involved. Don’t send me another fucking email like this

~PEW

*sigh* When in doubt, fire the “hidden income” cannon, because we all now know that the family court will order me to prove something that doesn’t exist rather than make the accuser support her allegations with actual evidence. It’s amazing how she snaps when reality is presented to her. She wasn’t finished yet, she had to write about how she does and provides everything for the children and they do, say, get, eat, wear nothing when they’re with us…

LM,

If I wasn’t entitled to the money the judge wouldn’t have told you he was going to increase it. I’m not a theif or a disgrace…YOU ARE. Get a job at Home Depot, Lowes, McDonald’s…whatever! Not to mention the fact that I buy the shoes, coats, school supplies, pay the Dr. bills, prescriptions, Halloween costumes, trips, most of the hair cuts….. basically EVERYTHING….FUCK YOU

~PEW

Pure fiction (in terms of her being the only one who does/pays-for those things). But we already know that psycho ex’s will create any story in order to portray themselves in the utmost positive light while beating-down on their targets. After all, they believe what they feel and say, even if there isn’t much in the way of truth within.

As I continued to ignore, the more emails she sent…

LM,

You know what concerns me….I reread this and I start thinking that you are coming unglued….and then I wonder what kind of torture your subjecting the kids to right now…coupled with the fact that you don’t have them call me back…..it’s worrisome. If you subject them to more of your bullshit, I’m not letting it continue. Pull yourself together LM. They have been through enough.

~PEW

Oh, go away, weirdo. Out come all the false accusations now… and I half expected the tired-old allegations of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, spousal abuse, homosexuality… you know, her fiction list.

On this issue, here are the key points in the story that she likes to tell people that are flat-out false:

1. It was her idea to have her pay for the front-end of the braces until the first-half of the work was paid for or I found a job, whichever came first.  (LIE)  This was my suggestion and I required an agreement in writing before proceeding.
2. I refused to agree to that and backed out of the agreement because I was paranoid about her litigating or going to enforcement even though I didn’t have the money.  (LIE)  Clearly, she backed out when asked to mutually sign an agreement in the interests of protecting both of us, even despite her repeated threats of litigation and enforcement.  Also, she didn’t have the money, either!
3. S1’s dental issue was an “emergency” that required urgent attention right away. (LIE) It wasn’t an emergency.  It never was.  Not 1, not 2, but 3 different dental experts told me “…the sooner the better, but it can wait until you can find a job to pay for it…”
4. S1 has been waiting for braces for “two-years and LM has done nothing to help us get started!”  (LIE)  S1’s issues were discovered by ME.  Even the dentist didn’t mention it until I brought it to her attention, having discovered the crowding in his upper jaw when I saw a molar literally coming in at a severe angle.  After his cleaning, I pointed it out to her and she told me to take him to an Orthodontist for a consultation.  This happened in March of 2009, not two years ago. Not to mention PEW is the one that neglected the children’s dental health for 2 years until the school forced the issue with her when she had full custody.
   

She can’t keep her lies straight.  This would be the end of the unreimbursed medical expenses for S1’s orthodontics for 2009. We will conclude the story with the 2010 edition, which is when I got my job.  She still isn’t able to keep her lies straight.  Stay tuned…