Dealing With the Topic of Death With Children - Part II
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In Part I, I discussed how I chose to handle the situation with Fido dying in consideration of the boys’ profound love for our dogs.
About 10-years ago a discussion regarding the death of a family pet came up on a private message board I’d frequent. One reply in particular struck a chord with me and I kept it. It honestly influenced how I chose to handle the situation with the boys. I saved it because we had two dogs at the time and I knew that the days would come where they would no longer be a part of our family, and the children would be fairly young when it happened.
I understand that there are innumerable ways to handle the topic of death with children. I just happened to really like the way this guy explained it and I’ve saved it in my email since about 1999.
I’ve got a three year old, and we speak with him honestly about death (his great-grandfather was the first opportunity).I don’t think there’s much to be gained by sugar-coating it or making up some nice story — for one thing, the kid probably won’t fully understand your explanation in any case. Death is a truth, and it’s nothing to be afraid of. Neither is sadness.
I’d tell them, “Guys, Mitsy died. She was very sick, and she got so bad that her body stopped working. It happens to everybody eventually. Sometimes it’s because you get too sick, sometimes because you have a bad accident, and sometimes it’s just because your body wears out. We make you wash your hands so you don’t get sick, and we make sure you don’t step into the street so you don’t have an accident, but everybody dies. So it’s important to enjoy being alive!”
Or whatever. One thing I would avoid is the whole “sleeping” comparison, because then the kid might be afraid to sleep for fear of not waking up.
That’s just my take. I think you get in trouble when you hide things. Sometimes they’re too abstract or complex to explain properly, but just try to put them into terms the kid can understand.
I’d like to know your thoughts on the subject… whether you’ve ever considered it before or even if you’re just pondering it at this very moment because I asked. I’m sure others might benefit in some way from your feedback as I did from that guy’s thoughts.
November 16th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I agree that you should be honest with children about death. Part of this comes from my faith, which treats death as an important and necessary right of passage, to be prepared for and treated with respect and reverence.
The other part stems from my belief that a parent’s job is to prepare their children for life without them. To prepare them to be able to handle anything that comes their way. I think shielding them from difficult or uncomfortable situations is a disservice to your children, and robs them of the opportunity to learn how to deal with such things while they have the benefit and security of parental guidance and support.
November 16th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
My daughters were 12 and 9 when my mom passed away. I was only 29 (yes I was a teenage mom). My parents separated when I was about 23 and lived on her own for a while, the last four years of my mom’s life (she died shortly after her 58th birthday) we shared an apartment. It is also important to note that my mom is the primary reason I was able to finish school, go to college and get a decent, well paying job. She was a larger part of my daughters’ lives than my grandparents were of mine - both because we lived together and because of the great help that she was to us (I was a single parent).
She had cancer and was sick for 6 months before she passed. We were honest with the girls from the time she was diagnosed. They knew there was a chance grandma was going to die. I told them she was sick, I told them she had cancer, and I told them her lung cancer was caused by her smoking. I didn’t hold back; I didn’t see the point because they were there when she went through chemotherapy and they saw her get violently ill from the treatments.
Mom went downhill very quickly at the end, something I am actually very thankful for. It was almost like the rug had been pulled out from underneath her and she got progressively worse over the course of two weeks - first falling, then being almost childlike, then she was basically comatose until the last day. It happened to be spring break at school and I am thankful that the girls were out a birthday party when mom died. She died at home because I wanted it that way and the girls were a big help in me caring for her. It was helpful that we could all sit with her after she died before the doctor came to pronounce. We had time to pray and time to say our final words to her.
The girls are 18 and 15 now. They know that she is always with us but we still miss her every day.
November 16th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
ha that was a bit long winded. But yes, honesty is the best policy - it does happen to everyone eventually. I guess my point was that my girls saw death first hand, and they dealt with it well because I was honest with them and I tried my best to prepare them for what was coming. It doesn’t make it hurt less, it doesn’t make us miss her less - and I am sure she is here watching over us.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:32 am
I think you should be honest with children at their level. My ex-husband has Huntington’s Disease and my daughter has known since she was 3 or 4 that Daddy has a boo-boo on his brain that makes him act differently. Unfortunately, the HD caused a lot of violent mood swings and she was exposed to things I wish she had never seen. Regardless, she loves her father just the way he is and I think that has a lot to do with being honest and not hiding or sugar coating it. She knows there is no cure for HD and Daddy’s going to go to heaven some day. That day gets quicker and quicker every year, he’s now under the care of hospice and we received some excellent pamplets from them to help explain death to children. Fortunately, we were already doing most of them.
I also have two step sons that have not been told about death at all. It’s just not talked about. It’s very foreign to me because we are so open with death and their Mom isn’t. Whenever death is talked about it’s usually a very long drawn out sad, sad talk. Since she has a difficult time with wakes and funerals, they aren’t allowed to go. They had the opportunity (yes, opportunity) to go to a wake for a distant uncle. The older boy (12) wanted to, the younger boy (8) didn’t. We talked to Mom and she decided it wasn’t good for his emotional well being. I should explain that my father-in-law is almost 80 and isn’t doing very well. We’ve almost lost him four (4) times in the last four (4) years. Our thought, expose the kids to a wake when they are less attached so they know what to expect. But, since it wasn’t our visitation night we were over-ruled. As it turned out, it would have been a good experience for them. It was extremely casual and no one was overly upset.
Last week one of our cats died, we told the Ex and asked if the boys could come to the house for the buriel. She called later and said she told the kids and they were fine. Not coming over. It happened to be our weekend with the boys and the older one was visibly upset about the cat. He wanted to know where we buried him and said he’d like to have been there for it. Mom never told him it was an option.
Long story short (to late), honesty at their level is always the best policy no matter what it’s about.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Honesty is important, yes, absolutely. To cover things up or avoid them implies that death is intolerable to the adults, and therefore unbearable for the children. However, the information you give must be thought through carefully. My Stepsons’ dog was killed at their home when they were with us. PEW called to tell them the news, and initially said that the dog was hit by a car and killed instantly-no suffering. But–that wasn’t dramatic enough-though the boys were already devastated. She went on to embellish with these details to the younger child (age 8 at the time): the dog wasn’t killed immediately, she had blood pouring from her mouth, some hunters who were on the scene had to shoot her. As far as we were concerned that was too much information–and the details haunted the two kids for the rest of their visit with us (clearly PEW’s intention). We will never forgive her for that.
November 18th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I remember having a conversation with my grandmother when I was a teen. I had just lost my first love to an accident and was devestated. I will never forget how she explained it.
She said, everything in this world is temporary. We can choose to guard our hearts for fear of when it will end, and never experience joy, or we can risk our hearts, knowing that we will eventually feel loss and sadness, but we will have known real joy. It is our choice to make. But that should never let the fear of loss, the fear of sadness hold me back from real joy and love. That goes for pets, family, friends…
Everything in life is temporary, enjoy the moment and savor it.
My children have several pets, and we have experienced the passing of 3 or 4. I have always told them the same thing I was told, then I ask them. Would you give up a moment with “pet” so you didn’t have to cry and be sad? the answer is always no.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
[...] In Part 2 - I’ll share an email I received from a friend on the topic of dealing with the subject of death with children that I thought was pretty amazing, and have saved for a long time. [...]