The Psycho Ex Wife

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We’re Step-Parents. A Step-Father. Step-Dad. A Step-Mother. Step-Mom. In keeping with some experiences shared in both directions with many in the community of the world wide web, a major part in this drama would obviously include step-parenting issues. In our particular case, DW and I are each “steps” to one another’s pair from our prior marriages. While all step-parenting situations offer their own unique challenges and rewards, some of you will ultimately find ours at or near the top of the “crazy” scale.

We’ll introduce a new character here, Poe, to join our cast of characters. Poe is DW’s ex-husband. Their post-divorce relationship is the polar opposite of the one I have with The PEW. These two put the children first-and-foremost when the day came to dissolve their marriage. Agreements were centered around the children. Who would stay in the marital home, for how long, and when it would be sold. The two households staying reasonably close to manage the day-to-day “management” of the children. They’re often there to “cover” one another when something comes up and the children need to stay with the other for short or long periods of time. It’s a classic 50/50 arrangement with seemingly unlimited flexibility for the most part. There was no court war, child support, battle over assets - just a separation and a quiet divorce process when the appropriate time period had passed - and then getting on with their lives.

Even Poe and I have become friends and enjoy the occasional drink and perhaps even a cigar together. Here’s a guy who, when things got particularly dicey for me in court, was going to come and testify on my behalf that there is no one (outside of some family and DW, of course) he could think of that he would trust more with his kids than me. Talk about trust. I can think of no higher honor than to be given that level of trust. He also stepped right into the fray when The PEW filed a false child-abuse report with our county CPS (from several states away), mostly because he was angry that his children were now unnecessarily thrust into PEW’s chaos and terror - but because the accusations were ludicrous. Fact is, they’re great kids, very lovable, smart, engaging and rarely are anything but a joy to be around. With two relatively normal parents, you get two relatively well-adjusted children after divorce.

Had their relationship been half as contentious as the one between me and The PEW - no shot we make it as far as we have. We are blessed in that regard.

Of course, both of our experiences left us with some baggage and me (with my post-relationship PTSD) probably lugging the majority of it. The experiences we had in our respective relationships would suddenly appear from time to time and upset the apple cart. Fortunately, not so much as to cause any crisis, but it does take time to shed those experiences that are so ingrained in you. Sometimes, without thinking, you react as if you were “back there” and before you even realize it, feelings are hurt, something is said, something happens that needs some discussion and make-up time. Hey, the make-up time is worth the occasional half-step backwards.

My kids are a bit more affected by the significant differences in the PEW’s personality and mine. Her disciplinary style and mine. He reactions and mine. Her love (or what she believes it to be) and my love. They’re comfortable with DW. I can still remember when S2 first met DW. He said nothing. He just popped right up on the couch and gave her a hug for no particular reason. S1 has always been a bit more tentative though both are very comfortable around her. I think that S1 is afraid that if he gets too close to DW he is somehow doing something bad towards his mother. My guess is that after hearing enough garbage-talk about her and I from The PEW and her family, there is probably a little fear that if they speak about DW at all (let alone speak nicely about her) - there will be some backlash. There has, I’m sure of that. It is nice that they will slip about something they did with DW that was fun or exciting during a conversation with The PEW because we know that she feels it like a dagger in her heart. It shouldn’t be that way, but after all of the horrible things that we’ve experienced due to her warped sense of retribution, you take satisfaction wherever you can get it.

I can also remember the first time I met DW’s children… after a simple introduction and my desire not to be overly “intrusive” (is the best word I could come up with) - they just went about their business of playing. I did’t want to thrust myself into their lives like I was some new plaything. I was going to sit back and let them gravitate towards me on their own. People think meeting your date’s parents for the first time is nerve-wracking. Yeah. That’s nothing compared to the apprehension you feel when meeting someone’s children for the first time - that is, someone with whom you have a growing, serious relationship.

So, in that vein, we’ll share our experiences and point-of-view. We’ll share some of our own intimate “unfun” moments and some discussions we have saved, too. You can see just how the discussion unfolded as if it was just happening and not after we’ve processed the experience and put our “spin” on what happened or what was discussed (though you’ll get some of that, too). I know that there are step-moms out there sharing regularly. Hopefully, we can drag some of those step-fathers out there into the “fray” to share some experiences both good and not-so-good.

And pretty soon, I’ll toss out a “shout-out” post to all of my new step-parenting internet friends and their blogs in a post all their own!