The Psycho Ex-Wife Has No Soul. None. 11/29/2001
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Later in the day after the events of 11/28/2001, I learned that my grandmother (paternal) had passed away after a long stay in hospice. A combination of a stroke and alzheimer’s disease really had wiped out any memories that she had of us, but she hung in there a lot longer than many in her situation would. She was a tough cookie and I have many fond memories at their home. Especially the food!
One might believe that suffering such a substantial loss would give even the coldest of hearts pause, at least long enough to stop the unending harassment and abusiveness. Not the PEW. Nothing could stop her desire to lay down an assault.
I spent a good portion of my day coordinating with family the arrangements that would be forthcoming. I initiate contact here to keep PEW appraised of the expected schedule for services and burial of grandmom.
LM: Hi
PEW: hi
LM: Here’s the lowdown…
PEW: ok
LM: MJM called and told me to be at [The Funeral Home] between 8:30 and 8:45 AM. Viewing from 9AM - 10AM
PEW: ok
LM: Mass at [The Church] (up the street) at 10:30AM. Lunch/Bereavement “Party” at [The Restaurant] right after. Whatever that means.
PEW: ok
LM: He told me flowers were “taken care of” as well as a rosary from the grandchildren which will be placed inside the coffin.
PEW: oh really?
LM: That’s what he said.
PEW: ok. did you change the paypal email address
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Huh? Hey, PEW, my grandmother died. Here are the arrangements. All you care about is what email address is tied to PayPal?
She couldn’t care less. Still, I answer.
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LM: Yes. To Hotmail.
PEW: ok
LM: Since we ping it there anyway. And I wasn’t getting all of the notifications to hotmail.
PEW: i know. this S2 is soooo cute. PP (psycho SIL) told me she could handle both kids. what do you think? my mom will be home sometime in the morning. but i’m not sure what time. i don’t know what to do
LM: I dunno. I really don’t think so.
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that unstable PP watching the children on her own was a constant bone of contention. I hedge here a bit, but only because I’m in no frame of mind to argue about it at the moment.
—————
PEW: is ZM going? oh
LM: But now she’ll think something.
PEW: hmmm. what should i do
LM: Not good. Shouldn’t have mentioned it to her yet. Unless she just offered?
PEW: i just asked her watch S2 because he’s still strange with people. well she called this morning and said she heard. asked me who was going to babysit
LM: Oh. Darn it.
PEW: i said I didn’t know yet. well….we have the cell phone.
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Another classic PEW tactic wasn’t just relegated to the children. I’m set up to be the bad guy. My memory is fuzzy, but earlier this particular year (I think) was the year that PP attempted suicide. So now, everyone was walking on eggshells for fear of driving PP into another suicide attempt. In PEW’s mind, it was safer to let a suicidal, diagnosed bipolar sister who didn’t do anything to help herself watch our children than it was to upset her by saying no. Of course, telling her “I don’t know yet” meant - “I’ll ask LM and he’ll say no and then you can rail against him.”
—————
PEW:i’ll call my mom shortly and see what time she’s coming home. i mean if she’s gonna be home at like 9 it’s no big deal
LM: k
PEW: i could call SS and see if she would take S1….. and i’ll just tell PP (psycho SIL) that SS misses him
LM: k
PEW: is that what I should do?
LM: Give it a shot.
PEW: oh man, i gotta change this baby
LM: She’ll prolly be too busy. Okay, talk to you later.
PEW: he stinks soooooo bad. you call her. i barely ever talk to them. wait till i talk to my mom
LM: k
PEW: my mom may decide to come down tomorrow. after work. bye. oh yes….. and one more thing…..
LM: ?
PEW: I am not ungrateful…. i am happy alot of the time…. but if my memory serves me, we’ve fought about this before. about the flowers for the anniversary or birthday or whatever
—————
She’s relentless. I just want to make arrangements regarding my grandmother’s services and burial, she wants to concern herself with PayPal email addresses and argue more about the Anniversary thing. For chrissakes, my grandmother just died! Shut the hell up about your Anniversary expectations!
So, I ask her nicely to stop…
—————
LM: I would really like a moratorium on discussing this. I promise I won’t miss it again in the future. I can’t go back and change the past. And I only pray that that will be enough to move on.
PEW: well….something isn’t sinking in
LM: Okay, I guess you just won’t stop. So, I’d like a moratorium on discussing this until after my Grandmother is buried. Would that be okay with you?
PEW: that’s fine, but please tell me why would your grandmother dying have anything to do with anything. oh….i know….because it’s convenient for you
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Good Lord. Most people would probably think that this is a complete work of fiction. I assure you, it is not. It also gets worse.
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LM: I just don’t feel like arguing during the course of the next few days. There are more important things to concern ourselves with.
PEW: like what
LM: But now you’re going to bastardize that, too, because you just… can’t… stop.
PEW: BASTARDIZE WHAT?
LM: Telling me that I’m using my grandmom’s death because it is “convenient” for me. What is convenient is I have no desire to argue about this anymore. I am wrong. I will try to do better in the future. And allowing you a forum to continue to needle me accomplishes nothing. But since you won’t stop, I suppose I will have to log off again.
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I’m not sure why I thought being patronizing would stop her. I just wanted her to stop. I took a shot that taking full responsibility for the egregious action of buying her a gold watch instead of flowers for our Anniversary would help. It didn’t.
By the way, as was often the case - I got nothing for our Anniversary. PEW is one of “those women” who thinks that gift-giving on such occasions is something only the man has to do.
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PEW: no i will….but don’t expect me to act like I believe that you are admitting that you did anything wrong. your grandmother dying doesn’t change the way I feel… sorry
LM: Yes, I understand. Another lose-lose.
PEW: i’ll log off
LM: If I say I’m wrong and apologize… it just isn’t enough.
PEW: yeah….remember i was supposed to buy you flowers. remember. so…
if you thought you were wrong, why not say it back thenb
LM: What I think you should have done has no bearing on my admitting I was wrong. You wanted flowers, I didn’t get them. I just don’t appreciate the “one-way” street where your concerned.
PEW: what one way street?
LM: WE celebrate our anniversary as TWO people.
PEW: that’s such bullshit
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Of course it’s BS. It’s always about her. What she wants. What she desires. What she deserves. To hell with everyone else.
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LM: So, therefore, when you go spouting off about what you should have gotten, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be entitled to the same thing.
PEW: yeah and I do alot of shit for you that other women don’t do on a daily basis for their husbands
LM: That thought doesn’t change the fact that I should have gotten you flowers. Okay. Now, that is the end of it. I have nothing more to say on the subject.
PEW: well i’ve told you before if that’s how you feel about the situation then i am in the wrong relationship
LM: I was wrong. I apologize. And I won’t fail again.
PEW: FUCK YOU
LM: Grow up, PEW.
PEW: don’t expect me to act like you’re wonderful now because your grandmother died, fuck you
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Nice talk. She’s a frigging demon. She is.
—————
LM: You’re unconscionable.
PEW: no you are. i’m sick of you
LM: I just want you to leave me be for a few days. That’s all.
PEW: yes i know because you’re greiving
LM: But you are just SO mean and vindictive, you can’t even respect that.
PEW: give me a fucking break
LM: So, thank you. You can stay the hell home. We don’t need a babysitter. I don’t want you there. Because you can’t stop being mean for two stinking days. And then go back to it afterwards. I didn’t say “treat me nice.” I didn’t say “forgive me.” I didn’t say “I didn’t do nothing wrong” and I didn’t say “forget about what happened.” I asked, nicely, for a simple moratorium, and you couldn’t do that. What a shame.
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And stay home she did.
March 24th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I’m almost speechless. That is really, disgustingly low to call a family death inconvenient or to be jealous it took the spotlight off of her latest tantrum. Has she ever sought therapy?
March 25th, 2008 at 1:34 am
No. Nothing meaningful anyway. We went to 5 separate counseling efforts together and she quit every single one shortly after starting. Of course, that’s because the moment a counselor called her on some of her behavior, s/he was instantly painted black and she was OUT.
As I type this, I’ve had a day full of escalation that is quite bizarre. I have a frigging headache.
March 25th, 2008 at 1:39 am
And - if you click on the counseling label on the left of your screen, you’ll see one particular experience I had posted about earlier this year.
March 25th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
and no conscience either….
you are not alone….
Easter
It is true that I spent Easter 2006 with A1 (while PEH was in Big City visiting his parents).
In early 2006 while PEH and I were still married, we discussed Easter and we were planning to spend it in Small Town with my parents. He called them and told them we were coming.
I had reconstructive surgery on my face in early 2006, and my recovery took longer than either of us expected. PEH packed up his golf clubs and booked a 3-week work trip to Exotic Expensive Place Far Away to be followed by a few days home, to be followed by a 2-week work trip to European Destination, to be followed by Easter weekend in Small Town.
As my recovery dragged on, PEH mentioned in passing that he felt he would be “too tired” to drive to Small Town at Easter, and therefore, he said we would not be going to Small Town at Easter. He made this decision for us while we were still married, and before we separated and while I not yet recovered enough to walk.
My grandfather was very sick in 2006, and he nearly died on Easter weekend. He is a war amputee, and he fell on an icy step at church and wrecked his good knee. Until his fall, he had been living at home with my grandmother in Small Town Far Away. His overall health had been quite good up until that point, and he was an enthusiastic gardener and birdwatcher.
My grandfather fell when I was recovering from my surgery. My parents tried to reach me by phone with the news of his fall at the time that it happened, but I did not immediately received their news or the message.
I wrote about this in the lengthy version of the marriage as follows:
While I was still recovering from the surgery, PEH asked me to “choose between him and the dog”. He said that my parents backed him up and felt that I was seriously disturbed and required counseling for my emotional problems. He said that they told him “I was overreacting”. I needed their help and I felt badly betrayed by their comments. I didn’t return their calls for a week, and at this time my grandfather became gravely ill and they could have used my support with it. I was still unable to walk as PEH was packing for 3 weeks in Exotic Expensive Place Far Away.
After my grandfather’s fall, he was hospitalized and went through multiple surgeries and infections. Dementia set in.
I wanted to see him. He was gravely ill. PEH said that he would accuse me of kidnapping A1 if I went to see my grandfather and took her with me. Small Town Far away is an overnight trip. PEH said that he would accuse me of abandoning A1 if I did not take her with me. I put off the trip. I could not take the chance that he would carry through on either threat, and at the time, I understood this decision to mean that I might never see my grandfather again.
At this time, PEH also talked about the possibility of my grandfather’s funeral. He said that he would accuse me of abandoning A1 if I did not take her with me to the funeral and that he would accuse me of kidnapping her if I decided to take her with me. I understood this to mean that I would not be attending my grandfather’s funeral if he died, as I believed PEH to be capable of carrying through on his threats.
In the days leading up to Easter, my grandfather was overcome by numerous infections and he stopped eating for several days. He didn’t know who he was or where he was. He could not talk.
At this time, PEH had plane tickets in hand for his Easter trip to Big City. I thought I might be able to see my grandfather over Easter weekend, and when I said something about it to PEH, he threatened to cancel his trip to Big City.
I waited until PEH was en route to Big City on Friday, April 14. I did not believe that he was going until he was actually gone. I called my parents to confirm that we’d be coming, and they went out and bought her a bicycle. The next day, with the coast clear, I drove with A1 to Small Town. My grandfather’s condition took a turn for the worse and his doctor told the family that he expected him to die on Easter weekend.
When we got to Small Town on April 15, I left A1 with my father and my mom drove me to Small Town Far Away.
My parents and I pooled our money and they bought her a pink bicycle and pink helmet as an Easter present. We did not tell A1 that I chipped in for the bicycle. I took this suggestion from my counsellor. (A1 did not have her own counsellor at this time.) My dad spent some time with A1 and her new bicycle after my mom and I left for Small Town Far Away.
My dad, in turn, got news that Papa’s condition was taking a turn for the worse, and he left A1 with my cousin at my aunt’s house in Small Town, so that my dad and my aunt (his sister) could sit with both of their parents at the hospital in Small Town Far Away.
My mother and I called my brother and sister from the car, and they drove together up to Small Town Far Away. The hospital let us stay past regular visiting hours and the nurses “buzzed” all of these family members in from the intercom so that Papa would be with his loved ones when he died.
My grandfather said my name when I was at his bedside. It’s the only thing that he said the entire time that I was there, and he tried hard to smile. He knew that I was there.
My cousin lives in My Hometown, and she has two daughters. A1 knows her. My cousin had recently seen my grandfather at the hospital, and that is how she got voted to stay back with the children. One of her daughters is A1’s age. Her mom is my dad’s sister. My dad and his sister both live in Small Town.
My mom and I drove back to Small Town late on Saturday night. We picked up A1 from my cousin and A1 was in her pajamas. A1 and I slept two nights in Small Town before returning to My Hometown. I made sure that we were back in My Hometown before PEH returned from his Easter trip to Big City.
I have always been very close with these grandparents. My two deceased children carry their names.
My grandfather rallied and he was moved to an institution. He continues to suffer from dementia. My grandmother is now living on her own for the first time in her life. I stay in touch with her by phone. I have not seen either of them since the events described here happened. Nor has A1.
March 25th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Wow, Justice… what a story. The one thing I notice is the threats. I’m sure it’s a lesson learned now, but you cannot be arrested for kidnapping your own child. You could have (and thankfully did) take the child and traveled as per your plans.
Had he known or otherwise found out - there was nothing he could have legally done about it, though, I’m sure he could have made your life even more miserable that it already was.
I’m glad to hear that you managed to get out there to see him!
March 25th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I don’t know what it is when I am reading your stuff-
But in the middle when you try to fill us in with your thoughts (while the dialogue is still progressing)
You say the funniest things!!!
You always make me laugh. Always.
“Nice talk. She’s a frigging demon. She is.”
I have a visual of you being serious and telling the readers this story. And right before the end of the story, You have to tell us (straight faced) that she is a demon. And then confirm it again (just as straight faced as before) “she is.”
Something about this makes me laugh because I think that when we are mixed up with these crazy people that we have to still convince ourselves that they are crazy, and that is just simply true.
And yes you are right, she is a demon.
March 25th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
She is.
With a straight face.
March 25th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
A friend recently commented to us in person that he didn’t want to read the blog because he enjoys Mister M’s theatrics when he is telling stories about our life - I told him he does it just as well online, lol.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Thanks, mister-m. It was really awful to think that I could have missed paying last respects to him due to a stupid PEH incident - My grandfather fought for my country in World War II, lost his leg there, and to this day has never complained about. He walked away with the thing that mattered most and he saw it that way - his life. It’s good to have a forum for this sort of stuff - I find it very hard to speak about it - I pride myself on technical accuracy and I feel that I just froth at the mouth when I try.
The parenting coordinator wraps it all neatly under the category of anxiety. His not mine. He wanted out of our marriage so desperately but was destroyed when I finally agreed to it. I think the sad truth was that his worst nightmare was abandonment — and traced it back to an actual abandonment episode when he was two. He worried so much about it happening again that it projected. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
In the days leading up to the separation, I remember finally arriving at “it’s okay that I suck at everything (including where I leave my only pair of shoes, and how I tie a garbage bag), I just don’t want to hear about it every day.”
March 28th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
You know I swear you and my DH were married to the same woman. When my DH’s maternal grandma passed away (after DH and his ex were divorced) she refused at first to let the kids attend the funeral without her. Saying that she and the kids would just “sit in the back” and (look victimized) not bother anyone. While she probably would sit and whisper “see…your daddy is up there with SC and HER kids. He loves them more” She was told over and over that she was not welcome and asked “by who”. She sent a flower (a PEACE lily! Lmao) and ASKED FOR IT BACK! LOL. She didn’t attend the funeral, but managed to weasel into the visitation. DH’s daughter “didn’t want” to go to the funeral and his son was only allowed to go at the midnight hour causing us to almost be late for the funeral in a rush to get him. Oh and his son wasn’t allowed to attend the family dinner at the church following. They had “plans”. She demanded to pick him up at the funeral home and that she did.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:18 am
My husband’s ex refused to let his children attend the funeral of my father-in-law. She also refused to let him spend time with the kids to tell them about the death. He was given approximately five minutes to let them know that their grandpa was dead and provide what comfort he could. By the way, our name for her is Sister of Satan. She is also a demon. She is.