The Psycho Ex-Wife Breaks Into the Marital Home
Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.
On September 2, 2004 and the following days - a series of major events took place. These events gave me a tremendously high and false sense of positivity that would never come to fruition. Worse than that, the lack of consideration that these events, and many others, would garner would accelerate my education in the divorce and family court system. It was still the same-old, same-old. It actually may even be worse than it was 20- or 30-years ago for men and fathers in this country. It’s exacerbated by the proliferation or better understanding of personality disorders and how they drive family court litigation. I’m certain that this is the perfect storm that is my situation.
This is going to take a while to explain, so I offer you what I called then the “Cliff’s Notes” version (or not) that I sent a friend who was concerned about not hearing from me for a few days. This is effectively as-written back in September 2004. More details will be forthcoming…
Cliff’s notes version: (Note: she stole my guns 6 months ago and hasn’t returned them - cops: “There is nothing we can do.”)
- The first of several court cases went down on Wednesday morning. We were at an impasse over where the kids were going to school. She sued me to have them go to Catholic School. The judge ruled in my favor. She was none too happy.
- Hours later, I’m in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we’re doing in [another country]. My cellphone buzzes and I look at the display… it’s a phone call… from my HOUSE. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It’s my wife. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. Claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that’s that. Unable to talk her out of leaving: Discussion, cops, discussion… nothing the cops nor I can do to get her out since she’s on the deed (no settlement yet). I’m stuck.
So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we’ll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. I start the wheels in motion to take action against her. The sorriest thing is that my kids think that we’re “getting back together.”
- Thursday… after making arrangements with my attorney. I go to the police station and describe a conversation that my wife and I had the night before where twice she made references to “wanting to end it all” and “if I lose these kids, I dunno what I’ll do, probably kill myself.” I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home.
- We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care… which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. I take a nap, as you can imagine, it’s been a long night.
- Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait… she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard… and she announces she is moving back OUT. I get really upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her… I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!? >>>” and she’s off to the races. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the cops again… (there is still nothing that they can do). During our exchange… she informed me that she didn’t break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney.
She ultimately leaves with my kids again and right now… all is quiet on the home front. I get the boys back tonight thru Tuesday morning. I got a lot of undoing of damage to try to do. I missed pretty important days at work, but by the grace of God, my boss, the CEO has been extremely understanding and flexible. I only just got back from the courthouse… I decided I can’t be “nice” anymore. I filed for a protection from abuse order this morning. If the judge accepts it, hearing Wednesday (S1’s first day of school)… and given the nature of her work, if it sticks… it will very likely cost her her job.
Against the advice of my attorney, I DIDN’T file one yesterday for fear it would “push her over the edge.” Unfortunately, after the events of yesterday afternoon… I truly am left with no choice. I can only hope that there is are some guardian angels out there watching over my boys. Part of the PFA includes the children and requests full custody of the children on a temporary basis until the custody evaluation that we’re going through plays itself out.
I think she may have scuttled any shot she had at winning that case now, too.
That’s the Cliff’s Notes version… if I filled in all the details, I think even your head would explode.
That gives you all an idea of what happened and what was going to happen relative to the break-in. DW previously posted my email to her regarding my fears and some information about the break-in.
September 15th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
This is exactly why I left the home with the kids. I figured he’d pull a stunt like that and what can you do? I’ve heard of people forced to live together until the divorce came through just because of stuff like this.
After I left, he changed the locks–technically illegal as my name WAS on the deed.
I think it’s part of the psychotic nature–they don’t want you, but they don’t want you to leave either. Doing stuff like this is a power trip.
I have to say…I went back to get my work files etc. as I had a home office. Originally when I left, I was hoping we could work it out, but as time passed, I realized it was forever and went to get my work files.
This is when I discovered that he’d changed the locks etc. I did break back in to get my work files, my spare laptop, and the dog–which was my dog.
He was furious, but truly, if he’d been nice about it, when I asked he could have given these things to me. The cops couldn’t help me…but they told me it was stil my house…that what he did was illegal, etc.
The rest of my stuff? He refused to give it over and I refused to go back because I had the really important stuff–the kids, my work stuff and the dog. Plus, prying open windows really isn’t my thing, you know?
I lost everything else because there was nothing anyone could do. He’d rather take the fines imposed by the court than return my things to me.
Sad….
September 15th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
And in Texas, I know of three different situations where the MAN moved out in order to protect himself from physical assault… but when he tried to return and retrieve property that was his — to the house that had HIS name on the deed and the mortgage that HE ALONE was paying (in all three cases, the wife did not work)… the wife called the cops and they told the MAN that since he had “established a separate domicile” that the home was no longer his, and that if he didn’t vacate immediately, he would be arrested for trespassing.
At his OWN HOME.
The one he left in order to PROTECT HIMSELF. Because nobody would give a MAN a protection order, because evidently nobody in Texas believes that a woman is capable of assault (notwithstanding all the news accounts of psycho Texas mothers drowning their children and so forth).
In one of the cases, the wife then sold every item that the man had returned to retrieve… in direct violation of a court order… used the money to pay her attorney… and when the man demanded that his attorney file contempt charges for this, his attorney responded by demanding an increase in fees, because “parity laws” meant that anything one party paid their attorney had to be matched by the other party to their respective attorney.
Is the system stacked against men, or what??
September 15th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Is the system stacked against men or what?
I don’t want to get virtual tomatoes thrown at me…but I have to let you know that my psycho ex husband has done things and gotten away with things that amaze me because it defies all logic and common sense.
I don’t know what I am doing wrong in my case(perhaps the courts are biased toward women who play the victim part well, or who have weathly parents or are psychotic–maybe?Or maybe they are biased against angry women, because I surely am angry and I have let them respectfully know my anger)….I certainly don’t see that the system has been stacked in my favor. I perhaps may be in the small minority of women who got royally screwed over, but nevertheless, it did happen to me and it hurts.
It’s been hell on this side of the computer screen for this gal. I’d love to see some of the breaks that I hear women get. I have to tell you that there’s enough bias to go around for everyone…and I’ve seen and experienced it and it’s unfair…for both men and women.
Thanks for letting me express my opinion and please…should you decide to throw tomatoes at me…do it gently. It’s been a hell of a few weeks.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
vamomma, I am one of those women as well.
I have much anger over the situation and if I tried to bore you all with my courtroom stories, you’d be shocked and appalled at what I have witnessed and been subjected to.
It’s not just men that are raked over the coals. It’s not just men that have their parental rights trampled upon. It’s not just men that love their children but feel failed by the system.
Women do too. And it’s becoming increasingly more apparent to me that mental illness and personality disorders are what causes good PARENTS to be screwed over.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Well, the statistics certainly don’t say “100%”, so I realize that there are women out there who get screwed, too.
However, it is still statistically true that fathers are overwhelmingly ordered to pay child support. Mothers are overwhelmingly awarded custody in uncontested cases, while fathers are only awarded custody in a small minority (11%) of contested cases. The numbers speak for themselves. When fathers are awarded sole custody, they only seek CS 47% of the time; out of that 47% at least a partial amount is awarded only 60% of the time (that’s 60% of 47%); and out of that group, the compliance rate of mothers is only 23%. Out of the ones that are in arrears, the father usually presses charges only 36% of the time. Now, when the father does press charges, then Child Support Enforcement does go after the mother 88% of the time (compare to their near 100% enforcement effort against fathers).
Try this little test: call the office of child support enforcement, and see if they automatically connect you (a woman) to the “obligee” (receiving CS) office. Then have a male friend call and see which office they automatically connect him to. Also, watch for the tone of voice applied in both cases. You will find that when women call, the OCSE worker uses a kind, soft, supportive tone. When men call, the OCSE worker is more harsh, less helpful, and often downright rude. Try it and see.
As to physical assault: there are “women’s shelters” in every major city in the U.S. Guess how many “men’s shelters” there are? And yet, statistics continue to show that men are just as likely to be victims of domestic violence as women. There is the “Violence Against Women Act” - a national law that applies to only 50% of the population; while 100% of the population is equally likely to have violence committed against them. What does that tell you?
A woman can get a “kick-out” order in all 50 states, and in 46 of them, she can get an ex parte order - on her word alone, she can claim that she is so fearful of her husband that he is not even allowed due process. He is never given a chance to defend himself against the charges, he is merely kicked out of his home, while being ordered by the court to continue to pay for it… so that someone else can live in it. According to my best resources, men are successful at getting an ex parte kickout order less than 1/10% of the time. That’s one time in 1,000 petitions.
So… no tomatoes for you. And I don’t know why you find yourself in that awful minority where you cannot seem to make the biases in the system work for you. I wish you well.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:19 am
And I don’t know why you find yourself in that awful minority where you cannot seem to make the biases in the system work for you.
Ouch Jb. That hurt. You wish me well, and then throw statistics at me and statements like the above. Again, could just be because I’m raw after several weeks of non-stop psycho ex crap–crap so crazy that even my lawyer couldn’t handle it and signed off– but your comments cause me greater pain.
We can talk statistics all day long. I am just telling you what happened in my case. The statistics that you site don’t change the facts in my case or make me feel any better, or change the facts that my children have endured and witnessed horrific things.
I regret that bias occurs at all in the system. I am sorry for anyone who has undergone pain and unfairness and to all of you I extend you a virtual hug. Let’s face it: the way I see it we have all been shafted by mentally ill people and had to endure things we never should have,or else we wouldn’t be on this site seeking wisdom. There’s no need to be unkind to each other.
But in all respect, the answer to bias is not throw out more bias nor to slam hurting people with statistics. I have tried your experiment and it was enlitening–my ex, who pays $900 a month for 4 kids and no health insurance(my HUSBAND was ordered to pay health insurances)–they told me that I am lucky he just pays and hung up on me.
They don’t care either way. The state is getting it’s money no matter what happens to men, women, and children. The state my case is in now charges the payee a fee yearly(albeit small but still)just to “process” the money that isn’t theirs in the first place.
Nalutza, I wish you and your children peace and freedom from the psycho ex in your lives. Thanks for posting.
I don’t mean to throw tomatoes back at you Jb. I am just being honest. Again, I appreciate the opportunity to express my views and I thank you for taking the time to respond to my comments.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Vamomma, you are right. The true bias in the system is against honest, decent, sane people, and in favor of high-conflict, combative, insane abusers.
And honest, decent, sane people come in both genders. As do high-conflict, combative insane abusers.
I apologize for causing you pain.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Jb…thanks for your comment back and for your honesty.
Virtual hugs to you. I wish you peace and success as you continue on your journey to help those in the midst of difficult divorces find peace and wisdom.
November 6th, 2008 at 6:10 am
[...] Breaking into the marital home in their company, threatening me with firearms, giving the children the impression that we were getting back together, only to leave again 2-days later. [...]
December 7th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Hi All,
I’m new to this site.
I never knew so many of us had ex’s that are really screwed up.
Again, thanks
August 23rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
[...] dates, you’ll realize that shortly after our very first date, PEW reared her ugly head, and broke into his home after losing a court hearing. At this point, my own divorce was quite civil as it had always [...]
August 25th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
ooh this post could’ve attributed to someone finding out where/who.
(date of…) <–i’ll refrain from finishing that phrase.
might want to revise this post!!!
September 28th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
[...] You LIED in that PFA statement, so you can get your guns back and try to get custody of the kids. This is the whole reason why my attorney wants me to sign an indemnity. She knows we should have fought that. If I had a lawyer that never would have happened. [...]