The Psycho Ex Wife

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LM and DW -

I have recently come across your site and I am inexplicably addicted to reading all about your PEW and your struggles. I read anywhere I can, but mostly at work. In my situation, it isn’t a PEW, but a Psycho Ex-Husband who is nothing but enabled by his family. (He was also once diagnosed by a counselor as a borderline bipolar, but as soon as he heard about that……stopped going!)

I just read your post from 26 Mar 08, PEW reverses Course - Apologizes. I have seen this type of thing too many times to count. It’s insanity (based on the definition).

You write:

PEW is working YEARS in advance to convince the children that I’m the “bad guy” and when they’re 12-years old they can stroll into court and pick her over me. It’s disgusting.

[These] last few lines of the post really hit home. My children are S14, D12, S10. Two years ago, The Psycho Ex-Husband filed for full custody of S14 on the basis that I was a danger to him. S14 became upset with me when I informed him it was time for bed. It was 1am on [New Year's] Day. S14 declared that The Psycho Ex-Husband told him he didn’t have to listen to me when he didn’t feel like it. I turned out the lights and said, “BEDTIME!”

S10 was already trying to go to sleep, they shared a room. S14 started shouting, he was told to “shut up”. He didn’t. Instead he picked up his iPod and started to play games. I took away his iPod, the DS, cell phone and all other electronics from him, and again turned out the lights. He jumped up and charged at me, knocking me down. At this point, D12 and S10 jumped out of their beds and began screaming and crying. They were urging S14 to cut it out. He began punching me and jumped on top of me. He actually pulled a large chunk of hair out of my head. The other two kids were so scared, they asked to sleep in my room, but not before emptying the kitchen of any sharp objects and all knives because S14 said, “I’m going to kill you in your sleep!”

S14 threw all of his stuff out of the bedroom and broke the blinds, punched a hole in the wall, too.  I left the room and went into mine and locked the door. I should have called the police right then and there, but I didn’t. Early in the [morning], around 7, I called my Dad and asked for advice. He urged me to call the police or he would. I called. Two officers appeared at my door within a few minutes. S14 was still sleeping on the floor of his room with no pillow or blanket because those were things I had purchased. After relaying my story to the officers, one of them went to his bedroom and asked him to get up. S14 must’ve thought it was my then Fiance, because he told the officer to “F**K OFF!”

Officer [Peacekeeper] didn’t even flinch. He told S14 to get his **S of the floor and get up now. Slowly S14 poked his head out of the crook of his arm. When he noticed it was a police officer, he was terrified and pissed. You could just read it all over his face. The cop read him the riot act and told him he had every right to haul S14s butt down to jail where he would undoubtedly sit in a cell for assault, but he felt like being nice. Officer [Peacekeeper] explained that I was in charge until S14 was 18 and he had to do whatever I said. Once the message was relayed, the two officers left.

D12 and S10 were just waking up as the officers were leaving. S14 told them I had called the cops on him and D12 called the The Psycho Ex-Husband and told him. Within a week, I [received] papers requesting full custody of S14 because I was a danger to him. Though I really couldn’t afford it, I obtained an attorney who helped the judge to see the ridiculousness for what it was. Judge [Honorable] ordered us to attend a family evaluation which the The Psycho Ex-Husband would have to pay for. The Psycho Ex-Husband never contacted the court regarding the family evaluation. I called them several times to check and see when we would be going as I would need to request the time off from work. Nothing!

Finally, our follow-up in front of the judge came around. My attorney and I appeared in court, The Psycho Ex-Husband didn’t! As a direct result, the judge was furious that The Psycho Ex-Husband had not only not paid for the Family Evaluation, but that he failed to appear in court. He ordered that The Psycho Ex-Husband reimburse me for my attorney fees to fight the motion. Upon notifying the PEH, he declared he’d never pay me and he would just wait until all 3 kids were 12 so they could go the judge to tell him they prefer to live with him.

As we get closer and closer to S10 turning 12, I’m noticing a change in my children. They randomly text me and tell me that they don’t want to come to my house. They say they don’t want to be around my new husband, now their Step Father and his son, SS3. They all claim that they would much rather be with The Psycho Ex-Husband and his family instead of with me. I live 20 miles away from The Psycho Ex-Husband (PEH), where the kids attend school in his district.

I live in fear that in the next 2 years, I will no longer have my children with me 50% of the time. I can only hope that they will see the light. PEH is very much like PEW. He buys them things and lets them do whatever they want, whereas in my home, they have rules and chores, and bedtimes! Oh, the horror of having boundaries. My husband, DH, loves the children. And rather than set them straight, he chooses to walk away from a potentially hazardous situation in order to avoid the chaos that will ensue from PEH when he finds out. Especially if DH backs me up after I tell the kids to do something. I’ve heard numerous times from PEH how DH has yelled at the kids, when in reality, he hasn’t even said a word, but walked into the other room to avoid confrontation.

DW, I commend you for being strong and standing by LM and the boys through all of this. I see via DH how hard it is. Hats off to you!

I guess what I’m trying to say is this - keep doing what you are doing with your boys. As much as they love PEW, it’s evident that they love you and DW very much as well. They are kids, and they try to make everyone happy. They stay close the weaker of their parents after a divorce because they feel it is their responsibility to take care of that person. You are the stronger of the parents, as am I. Therefore, we are the ones that oftentimes feel like it never ends. As they grow older, I’m confident that they will see the light. They will see who was really there to love and support them. They will see who really was the one that cared about their schoolwork and taught them those valuable life lessons that only a parent will teach….at least, this is what I keep telling myself, to help me get through each and every day.

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

~Another Reader

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Another Reader - you’re welcome.  A lot of others know what you’re going through and you’re not alone.  Keeping working hard to be the best parent (and step-parent) you can be with the children and we wish you the best possible outcome for your situation.

~LM & DW