The PEW is a Parasite
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As LM has indicated, being a stepparent can normally be nightmarish, add in a BPD and it’s hell on Earth. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I don’t even believe that LM can understand what it’s like from my perspective. He has never had to deal with POE saying awful things about him, trying to ruin his relationship with my children, or the myriad of other crap the BPD piles on such as false child-abuse allegations. I know he has no idea how much it hurt to have a woman knock on my door and ask me if I had abused not only his kids, but my own. It’s just not possible to understand how one can feel unless you have had it happen to you. Of course, I can’t understand how he feels about a myriad of things, either. And so we have to balance our perspectives, it’s not often easy.
Dating someone with an ex isn’t easy either. I guess that goes whether someone was married or just in a long term relationship, as both will come with baggage. Having married young it wasn’t something I ever thought about.
The exchange you are about to read is several years old, it was our first summer with all the kids, the first summer in our new home, and the first summer PEW had a chance to ruin. And she did. The summer events of 2005 have had a lasting effect, which include the fact that I no longer plan vacations thinking the boys will even be involved. It’s unfortunate, but I’ve learned it’s a waste of money, time and frustration. As usual, the boys are the ones that lose out, and their mother simply doesn’t care. But, back to us. At the time we were going through the second custody evaluation and had an impending court date. My family was visiting, and LM was absent, although his body was hanging around.
07/08/2005 - LM
After being up nearly the entirety of the night, I was still unable to figure out how things spun so out of control. I’m really sorry that you felt I didn’t spend as much time with you guys as you wanted. My worries about what is happening with the forthcoming exchange of the boys, vacation, court, the call from *Attorney*, waiting on the report… yeah, I know it sounds like a bunch of excuses, but this past 7- to 10 days, I’ve been reeling. That said, I also am keenly aware that you are dealing with all of these issues at the same time. Toss that on my pile of worry.
Back to last night… forgive my having a problem with some of the things you said about me during various points of discussion with your Mom and Step-dad. Of course you can discuss “whatever I fucking want” with your parents. Forgive me if I would hope that you wouldn’t make fun of me or my way of thinking as a topic of discussion. You called me “idiot” at least once and something else I cannot recall at least once, and this - knowing how I feel about namecalling. I was never mad about the “packrat” thing.
Which brings me to my biggest concern… I tried like hell to try to get to a point where we could go to sleep without being angry and you turned it away outright. I still don’t know what I did or said that made you get so angry with me. When it culminated in your telling me that you didn’t care if I was on vacation with you, that was hurtful - “if you’re there you’re there, if you’re not, you’re not” is what you said. And here I am this morning wondering what in God’s name to do.
So I continue to troll through life apologizing for my feelings:
- I apologize that the only person I want to picture you with is me and despite my best efforts to share where I am coming from, you are mad at me for it.
- I apologize that my circumstances can sometimes overwhelm me and affect my moods and ability to interact so profoundly. I am scared to death, DW, I really am.
I want to know if you want me on vacation with you. Your comment last night means “no.” I need to know if you really feel that way. Right now I am so overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
MY REPLY
Of course I want you on vacation, as always I want you there the whole time, with your children, with no problems. My issue last night was when you said that you have so much to worry about, yet my family was here and you weren’t worrying about spending time with us, when I was trying desparately to involve you for two days while staying involved with the situation with PEW. At that point I made a choice, I will worry about my family and let you worry about yours. So if it works out that you and the boys are there, GREAT, if not, I will still have a great time with my family. I can’t live with all of my vacations being ruined by the issues with PEW, I just can’t. I have planned everything with the boys specfically in mind, I don’t know how much else I can do LM, I just don’t. You’ve got to give me the same energy I give you LM, and I didn’t feel that the last two days, at all. All I wanted was a kiss last night and maybe the chance to make love.
I still don’t recall calling you an idiot, but I apologized for it anyway. And if I did do it I probably said it in jest about something you did, the same way you do to me as we BOTH know we are joking. I was also making fun of myself the whole night, like my driving, which you have done in front of your family as well, and it wasn’t an issue for me. We both know how much we care about each other. I understand that you have issues you bring to this relationship because of PEW, but I have NEVER in my life gotten my family against anyone I was in a relationship with, EVER. And I would never do that to you, we were just having a great conversation and of course I would talk about you.
As for: “So I continue to troll through life apologizing for my feelings”, wow. I know this comes from dealing with PEW, but please don’t act like you are the only one that apologizes (at least that’s how this comes across), not only do I apologize, I have tried to change the way I act around you. Your feelings are your feelings, and mine are mine, and we try to discuss them and meet in a middle ground. You’ve changed some things, and so have I.
I just don’t know what more I can do to help you through this situation with PEW. I honestly don’t. But there are some moments where you need to see that I’m practically begging you to forget her for five minutes and be here with ME. It’s selfish, but I need it sometimes. I felt like an ass around my own family last night, like I was a puppy following you around and you were ignoring me.
I love you LM, and I have never expressed the need for anyone other than you for the last 10 months. I’m still waiting for that kiss…
LM’s REPLY
I want to say again, as always - DW, I love you so much. I know the stress and burden that my situation presents to you, and yet you roll on - because of the kindness, concern, care, and love that you have for me and my children. Know that my feelings are equally as strong for you, SS1 and SD1. I am truly sorry for the feelings you have to endure when I get so “knocked for a loop” like the past few days - feeling like you’ve lost me to some other world of hurt. I wanted this vacation to be as perfect as we could make it and I allowed her latest antics to upset the apple cart far more than I should have. Please know that I am trying to make those moments few and far between. I don’t ever want you to fear that you are going to lose me to high anxiety or despair. I adore you and I can’t wait to come home and make up for the last few days.
You can see several classic fleas here, first the name-calling issue and then the apologizing. PEW is reknowned for her name-calling, and here’s LM taking something said in jest and remembering all the pain from the PEW. The apologizing thing we still haven’t worked out, lol. In most fights he will apologize for everything immediately and then add “because I know you won’t apologize.” And then, of course, I don’t want to apologize, duh! Whether that is leftover from PEW or something we have turned into our own, I won’t venture to guess here, but I know it started from “she who is never wrong and is always the victim.”
I can tell you that these issues always appeared before every court date and still do although in a much smaller way. LM was consumed, with what the judge will think, how things will turn out, what will happen “if.” It affects everything in our lives, and, of course, that was simply something I never thought of when we started dating. Sure, your ex is crazy, who cares, I’m not dating her! HA! Oh, I am, she is there for everything. Her kids relay things we’ve said, things we’ve done, she has spies reporting to her about things we’ve done or places we’ve gone, this is how she would get into LM’s head (or used to mostly) and destroy the precious moments we have alone, the special events we try to plan for the kids, and literally every plan we try to make for the future. We still occasionally ask ourselves, how will PEW react? What will the judge think? What happens if PEW decides to show up an hour late and we miss our flight? Do we need to take two cars in case the psycho screws us yet again? We can’t have a child together because they would hate their life. It gets tiring.
Worse, it affects how much I want to do for my step-children.
February 25th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Thank you for sharing this intimate and poinant picture into your life. While my SS’s mother is not BPD, nor anywhere near as bad your the PEW - she displays many of the characteristics on a much smaller scale. It makes us crazy - so I don’t know how you make it.
Anyway, what you said about how her behaviors affect what you want to do for the skids is exactly how I feel. No matter what we do we have to hear how SS’s BM would feel about it, or how she does it better, or how he shouldn’t be doing whatever with us cuz his mom will want to do it with him…and he’s 14. We’ve been doing this since he was 2. Unfortunately, I try my best not to plan any vacations or special events with him around because if BM isn’t messing up our plans, she is calling SS every 2 seconds so he won’t have so much fun he forgets her, or we are feeling/hearing how it just isn’t good enough.
It’s exhausting, frustrating and discouraging!
~H.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:51 am
When I read this I wanted to cry. I am fighting the tears now. I know what it is like to be married to a man with a PEW. We have been together for almost 8 years - 2 dating and almost 6 married. It is only because of a restraining order that the PEW doesn’t call to harass my darling husband. Although she achieves it in other ways through the kids.
Be encouraged. It won’t be this way forever.
February 26th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
wow, i was completely drawn in by your words. what a raw and honest look into your relationship…and as i read LM’s words to you, it is so clear that he is an emotionally battered man. i’m not analyzing him or you, i just gather it from having read other exchanges with PEW. his need to apologize and diffuse a potentially explosive situation…it’s pavlovian, we train ourselves to react to certain situations, in this case to protect oneself, to cower before the blow so to speak. it’s sad to see the power we have over each other and the pain that is inflicted (in regards to PEW to LM). you are a fantastic woman for seeing this through. i too have been and am in your shoes. dealing with the post traumatic stress of my dear love from being verbally assaulted over everything by his ex-wife. many times i have to step out of a situation and examine where reactions come from, and most of the time it’s from past situations. talk about analyzing. he in turn never had to deal with any wrath from my ex, no insults, no threats, or anything damaging and negative like i have, and you in this case. it’s a different dynamic, and sometimes i don’t think our mates realize the extent of the patience, love, and dedication involved. but we are all guilty of getting wrapped up in our own baggage, so it’s not something i can blame them for. just keep the love in the front burner. always respect each other, that’s a huge one for us. without that i think any relationship is doomed…and keep writing, it’s cathartic and cleansing. thank you for sharing a part of yourself with the rest of us.
February 26th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Oh yes, it sure is. It’s also why we keep some of that stuff. This also was just before I started to get some (more) counseling, too.
We’ve come a long way and while the “fleas” will still occasionally show up - a lot of love, patience, and honest discussions keeps it to a minimum.
Neither of us handle every situation perfectly, no question about it. Making sure we don’t forget what got each of us to where we are today helps keeps thing from getting off track. The same holds true to varying degrees in any relationship.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
“I can tell you that these issues always appeared before every court date and still do although in a much smaller way.”
That is so true. I’ve come, with time, to recognize that it’s the looming court date, and not me, that causes the outbursts. But it hurts anyway.
Thanks for posting this. PEW is a parasite. Absolutely. I’m glad you guys have come through it and risen above it, for the most part. The rest will come with time.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
And therapy…
Lots and lots of therapy.
February 27th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Yes, how well I remember how the PTSD would flars so easily when the situations or circumstances were so remenisent of the past, esp court dates. I wish I had a dollar for every time in the first 5 years of our marriage that I asked, “When are you going to see and not Ex…” In my mind, I was always asking, “Can he see me now, can he see me now,,,can he see me now” Then finally, “…whew…Thanks God, you see me now…”
February 27th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Thank you for your comments, I think we are lucky that we’ve been able to handle things as well as we have. Although I do get bogged down in the bigger picture occassionally, with things like “you had two kids with that psycho and yet we can’t? WTF?” and others. Sometimes I wonder, wow, does he think I’m crazier than she is, he gave her so much and I’m kinda waiting for my turn. It’s hard not to judge things like that sometimes even though I know how much he loves me and how much our life together means, and he has given me so much. It’s weird to have my life decisions made because of what he experienced with another woman, one who is soooo fucked up. Of course those conversations are several different posts that will likely not make it to the blog, lol, a bit too personal sometimes. Who knows though. I do appreciate everyone visiting and hope we can commiserate together more and get things changed in our own lives!
February 28th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
WC, what do you mean you can’t have children of your own? And yes, I can absolutely empathize with your feeling of how could anything so precious have taken place with such a life form. It sucks, but you must face forward and not look back. However, that said, you also cannot let the past take advantage of YOUR future and your needs as an individual. There’s love and then there’s martyrdom.