The Psycho Ex Wife

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PEW had a knack for pushing buttons like no one I have ever met nor ever hope to meet again for the rest of my life. Her ability to go off on a tangent and bring everything into an argument that she has ever perceived as a wrong-doing was uncanny… and almost effortless. By the time an argument reached a conclusion, my head would be spinning from confusion and disbelief. I would be left wondering how in the hell we got from where we started to where it appeared to end.

She would often say that she would ambush me at work via instant messenger because she was “afraid” of my volume. What always confused me about that is, for as many documented arguments there are, I’d be willing to swear to 2- or 3-times as many undocumented ones. For someone who professed to anyone willing to listen to her tale of abuse and woe - she was fearful. Reality is, she wasn’t afraid of a damned thing. Her confidence in her own bullying and intimidation tactics were unwavering. She was one of those who would “dare” you to hit her. She would shove, poke in the chest, swing near your face, anything to try and elicit a beating.

Fortunately for me, that never happened despite her claims to the contrary. In fact, she would even claim to have called the police and have documented evidence of my alleged physical abuse of her, despite my never having ever been in jail for anything, nor her or her attorneys ever being able to produce a single police report to support her contention.

Today’s episode is one of those whirlwind experiences. Keep in mind, many of these prolonged debates occurred because I didn’t really discover what I was dealing with until the middle of 2005 (in terms of Borderline Personality Disorder). I would, get defensive. I would, try to present “logic” - a mistake oftentimes in normal relationships, but just doomed to failure in a disordered relationship. My notes on this particular IMversation indicate the following:

- Ruined New Year’s Day.
- Getting & Selling [my] Mom’s Bed.
- Suggestion That Sugary Cereal Might Not Be Good to Give A Sick Boy (then not even 2).

Doesn’t seem like much on the surface does it?

PEW: Are you there?
LM: I am now. What’s up?
PEW: Nothing’s up. I guess I want to know what to do from here.
LM: Kiss and make up and make love together.
PEW: I’m thinking you either have “roid rage” or maybe you don’t want me to stay home anymore.

(A smart person would have just blocked her and ended the conversation right there. I wasn’t smart. I wasn’t smart many times.)

LM: Neither.
PEW: Well, I think… you’re pretty easily set off lately.
LM: No, I’m not.
PEW: You’re not?

(Little did I realize that my reply really meant, “I don’t think so, but give it a try… again…“)

PEW: Well… I can’t deal with yelling so I need to know if you plan on continuing with it.
LM: I don’t feel like going through this exercise again. I can’t deal with your attitude and name-calling. You see how this circle doesn’t end? What’s the point of saying that if it never changes? I was relatively calm the other night until you continued to be relentless about my knowledge or lack thereof, until I finally let loose, yelled, and then walked away. Last night, I was a bit agitated with my mom’s situation. I am trying to do something that I believe may help her with a MINIMUM amount of impact on us, I hoped. You can’t accept it. It doesn’t matter that I may not even be able to pull it off… you are going to ram how you feel about it down throat over and over… and it still won’t change the fact that I WANT to help my mother with this particular situation.

(This “knowledge” of which I speak was my parenting knowledge and my opinion about what a sick child of 2 should be eating when ill. The “situation” in question was selling my mother’s behemoth king sized monument that doubles as a bed. It was believed it wouldn’t fit into the new apartment she was getting and I thought I could sell it for her. At the time, she could have used the extra money. Oh, the horror!)

PEW: As far as the other night goes… you present things in such a way that makes me think that the subject is not up for discussion… LM has spoken, the end. You did the same about him sleeping in our bed when he was sick…
LM: I won’t lie. That’s exactly how it was last night.
PEW: …me going in to comfort him when didn’t go RIGHT TO SLEEP like he normally does… I don’t particularly like the way you voice your opinion when it comes to matters concerning the baby.

(The suggestions were normal. Not only doesn’t she “particularly like” normal, she doesn’t like your opinion on anything that is not 100% in agreement with her… on any subject.)

LM: Those were suggestions… and, if you didn’t take suggestions soooo personally… you might see that they have some merit. It is only when you take them personally and question my rare “pearls of wisdom” with attitude and judgement that things get out of hand.
PEW: As far as your mother’s situation is concerned, don’t give me the crap about wanting to help her. You want to help yourself… to her bed!

(Now, I’d like to think I know what that meant, but the creepiness factor with her wouldn’t make the creepy interpretation very real.)

PEW: Listen, when it comes to the food thing, he just got over being sick… and he needed the calories. Your “pearls of wisdom” were suitable for another day.

(Uhhhhhhhhh… okay? My head is already beginning to spin here…)

LM: I wanted to try to sell the bed and maybe open an account for her with the proceeds for future emergency. Also, it is clear that you do not want it to either be our bed or the baby’s bed. Giving the baby sugar-coated Cheerios is not what I believe what most pediatricians would recommend.
PEW: Give me a break. You want to make a bet?
LM: No, I simply was guessing.
PEW: They tell me what to buy. I bought THOSE Cheerios because Dr. R– told me to. You wonder why I call you names.
LM: Well, yes, then I would like to ask the pediatrician if brown sugar coated Cheerios are a good substitute for dinner when a baby is under the weather.
PEW: So condescending. Call her then.
LM: I am not condescending, I told you it was a guess.
PEW: You are condescending. With regard to the bed… the fact that you are undertaking this task says to me…
LM: And you are forgetting that I did not take isue with the particular evening. I clearly stated that it was a suggestion “for future reference” and that “we didn’t want to make a habit of it.”

(Unfortunately, feeding the children sugary, snacky crap at every turn would be a habit she would develop which continues to this day.)

PEW: You are not very intelligent.
LM: That is exactly how I stated it in the clearest, calmest way possible.
PEW: definately not as intelligent as I give you credit for being
LM: But nooooooo… you take it personal and we are off to the races.
PEW: bull
LM: Okay
then… so we didn’t solve that.
PEW: I’m always up for a CALM discussion
LM: Go on about the bed.
PEW: no….you are a freak
LM: You’re correct… I yelled at you about the cheerios right off the bat, I did
n’t qualify my statements before hand, and I was never calm about it.

(Please rest assured, the above was me being facetious, patronizing her version of events, as usual, where she has done nothing wrong and I have done everything wrong.)

PEW: why do you think your brothers always make fun of you
LM: Go on.
PEW: this is why I call you names. go on? you don’t want to help your mom…I know you
LM: You were about to tell me more about the bed and then instead started namecalling and telling me about how my brothers make fun of me.
PEW: you want that bed because you think it’s nice and you think it’s worth something
LM: I didn’t say anything about taking a picture of the bed before breaking it down the other night… so that it could be sold? Maybe on Ebay or something?
PEW: and you have this brainstorm about selling it, ha, why don’t you give YOURSELF a break… it’s another cockamamey idea

(Nevermind that, for several years prior to that time, doing part-time selling on eBay, we were able to pay cash for Christmases, pay for vacations, I actually did very well with little effort on eBay, so the idea being labeled “cockamamey” is completely disingenuous given the rewards she reaped from similar ideas.)

LM: Okay… did you call me up to tell me about ulterior motives or to resolve something? So far, you’ve called me names, made fun of the fact that my brothers made fun of me, that I have suspicious motivations about the bed, and I haven’t said a fucking thing wrong about you or to you yet.
PEW: you better call your Doctor and ask him to check your medication….

(Relentless - it’s like a verbal flood of insults and beat-downs. She really can’t help herself. It’s a learned behavior as, over the years, I’ve learned that this is how her fucked up family expresses “love” for one another. Perhaps looking back, she was really trying to tell me that she really, really loved me? Bitch. I don’t know whether to pat myself on the back by holding back as well as I always did or kick myself in the ass.)

LM: Okay, I’ll do that, and you can call my father and ask him what I intended to do with the bed after you nixed us using it, or putting it in what will be S1’s room. I imagined that we discussed trading it for the Blazer, too, correct? The Blazer was for me or was it for my mother?
PEW: i am talking to you right now because I wanted to resolve this… the other day we’re talking about having another child…. am I nuts or what?

(My head is in full Exorcist spin-mode now. Resolving this included opening with the loving roid-rage comment, followed by disparaging remarks about my family and various other horrible insults. Yeah, you’re fucking nuts all right there, Mrs. Peanut.)

PEW: you know…I may not have a job and I do believe S1’s life would be better if his parents stayed married, but….
LM: Okay… so then, if you wanted to resolve this, how, when I suggest kissing and making up in the first sentence… do you respond with the “roid rage” name calling toss? That isn’t resolution PEW.

(There I go again, with logic and reality! Brilliant! You know what’s most embarrassing about that? I did it for the 4-years prior to the start of Hell Catalog and I would continue to try the same tactic for the many years after. What is it “they” say about defining insanity?)

PEW: ain’t no way…no how ever ever ever putting up with you yelling and cursing again… under no circumstances….so decide
LM: Right? That happened, didn’t it? I wanted to kiss and make up, and you immediately started with insults. Or did I imagine that?
PEW: then apologize for causing me all this pain in the name of helping your mother when she’s never done a God damn thing for you

(The crime in the above statement is that my mother did LOTS for US. Always did within her means. God love her, she still helps me out to this very day. The single most ungrateful scumbag I’ve ever met in my life. Yes, I married her, thanks for that reminder. lol - I know you’re thinking it!)

LM: Right, now you make disparaging remarks about my Mom… that is great resolution… this is a prime example of how things start… I will save this and show you.
PEW: wrong
LM: *I* am calm out of the gate, and you name call.
PEW: name call? what are you talking about

(By this point, my head has probably spun clear off of my neck. A normal person probably would have gone ballistic, if they didn’t hang themselves first.)

LM: When I say calmly “no” to your roid rage comment… you continue to berate me by saying, “you are easily set off”
PEW: YOU ARE you freaked twice in three days
LM: Go back up to the top and read who started what… me or the name calling.
PEW: I’m not putting up with it
LM: Go on. Go up top and read it for yourself and you tell me if I am “making shit up” like
you usually do.
PEW: I just read….
LM: I will say now as I have said before… if you can reply to me without attitude, cursing me, and calling me names and other insults… I WON’T YELL.
PEW: I havent said anything that isn’t true
LM: If you can’t do that… then I cannot guarantee that I won’t yell. If you can… I will guarantee that won’t yell. Okay?
PEW: well then…I guess we better Lawyer up then
LM: I’ll wait for yours to contact me then. Sorry you can’t own up to your own namecalling and insulting rages.
PEW: because I have never ever ever done anything to merit your “rage”
LM: I will still save this as an example though.

(More classic projection.)

PEW: please
LM: I will.
PEW: they will laugh at you, laugh
LM: Keep it up.
PEW: well ..we either come to an agreement now or I’m getting off and calling a lawyer
LM: I won’t yell. Do you promise not to namecall and insult?
PEW: i don’t believe that I ever do

(”I don’t believe that I ever do” - said after everything she wrote before it. Yes, I have been to therapy to get to the root of why I put up with this shit. That said, I never got an answer regarding how I managed to not go completely insane trying to deal with this. If there is nothing else that proves what I wouldn’t endure to stay with my children…)

LM: That wasn’t the question.
PEW: I don’t do it

(Look at me, persisting with trying to get her to accept reality, when clearly, she can’t.)

LM: Okay then, better get on the horn to that lawyer… “roid rage” is insulting.
PEW: you won’t yell period!
LM: Saying things about my mother is insulting. Callng me a “freak” is insulting…
PEW: i’m not kidding about the “roid rage” you should talk to your doctor about it
LM: go on… go on up and read all of the things that you called me in this very exchange… then come down here and tell me that “I don’t do that.” I won’t yell period. Do you promise not to namecall and insult “period?” Well?
PEW: I will never call you names or insult you if you talk to me in a civil manner…not like I’m your
kitchen bitch. anything regarding the baby is up for discussion… I don’t take what “articles” say as law…. I just don’t sorry and you shouldn’t either we are a team as parents…
LM: Okay then.
PEW: you are not the boss
LM: Yes we are. I say again, I did not boss you around the other night.
PEW: did too. listen let’s not make up just yet okay…

(This is something she did often. “Let’s not make up just yet” - she would have some undefined time frame before making up was possible. When she gave you permission to make up, then you could make up. Yes, this is the woman who can love, nurtur, and raise children… and yes, she would do the same thing to the children, let them cry for long periods of time telling them that she was not ready to forgive them. Horrible, blackhearted freak.)

PEW: I’m going up the mountains this weekend… I’m going to discuss some things with a lawyer regarding the custody of our son…

(Probably whether or not I was worth enough to take down for the money and run. Looking back now, it wouldn’t surprise me if she did talk to a lawyer and she said, “…not enough yet, have another child, get him to move you to a new house so you’re out of the house he owns himself, and THEN file for divorce. Oh, and get a credit card in secret and max it out so he has to pay for half! MUWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

LM: I say again… the conversation started withme calmly saying, “I want to preface this by saying that I know that this isn’t something that you do all the time, and I know that you stay home with him and all that, but it isn’t a good idea to give him something else if he isn’t going to eat his dinner, especially something sugary.”
PEW: and you think about ALL this for awhile. you lie
LM: Well, tell me how it was that I started the conversation, I am curious.
PEW: i was on the phone…
LM: yup
PEW: and you were giving me the eye when I gave him the cereal
LM: true
PEW: then after I hung up, you proceded to tell me about the article…
LM: Never said “article” said I’ve read “things” (plural)
PEW: then you said “I better not see you giving him any of those gummy bears later”
LM: You have got to be kidding me?
PEW: i gotta go make some calls
LM: So, then, you are claiming that after I you got off the phone… that I never said a word about “prefacing this by saying that I know that this isn’t somehting that you do all the time…” and… “I just wanted to say that we don’t want to start any bad habits…” That all didn’t happen BEFORE the gummy bear comments… which occurred AFTER you said that you’ve read ONE article”

(Obviously, I didn’t know when to stop.)

PEW: he has all of the best habits of any baby I know…
LM: “…that I don’t know what I am talking about…”
PEW: but I never get any credit for that… you teach him everything right. save it for court
LM: That is another unsubstantiated claim that you make up when you are pissed at me. That is so untrue it isn’t even funny. Stop threatening me.
PEW: yep
LM: It gets old after a while.
PEW: yeah yeah well you continue to push me in that direction don’t you
LM: Hardly.
PEW: it’s not gonna be so old some day\ then what will you say I wonder
LM: Your selective memory typically leaves out the beginning truth of a conversation. I just start off with an attitude and yelling.
PEW: who cares LM, I love my son and I wanted another child with you, but that aint happening…not with your attidude
LM: Thanks for wasting my time… you obviously didn’t come here to resolve anything… just to ram it up my ass some more and do more posturing and lawyer threatening. I’ve had enough of that, will there be anything else?
PEW: i want to do what’s best for him and being with parents that fight all the time isn’t good for any shild
LM: All the time…
PEW: you got it
LM: …are you sure maybe you aren’t the one who should see a doctor? Because you when you cop this high and mighty attitude of yours and get a bug up your ass… you create your own truths.
PEW: yeah, I was already put on medication….I wasnt depressed now was I? I think you’ve been the problem all along maybe I really don’t love you. i’m a stupid person
LM: I dunno… I’m fine until I suggest something regarding our son, as if I have no right to make a suggestion, I am a “guy” and “don’t stay home with him as much as you” so I can’t possibly have anything intelligent to say on any matter.
PEW: please it’s the way you make a suggestion
LM: Any time we debate an issue over S1, you always say that… “what do you know” It is the way YOU choose to remember that I made the suggestion… not reality.
PEW: i’m all for discussions..except anthing we talk about is not a discussion
LM: Because may God banish me to hell if I am lying… I made a point, just because of the way the bed thing degraded, of OVER prefacing my suggestion just to hope to avoid a confrontation… and it still didn’t work. BEFORE the gummy bear thing… BEFORE the “Cheerios is coated with sugar” observation… before you started calling me names and insulting me… and before I started to yell.
PEW: no excuse
LM: No excuse for your antics either.
LM: So I guess we’re even.
PEW: wel, like i said i have phone calls to make…
LM: Okay.
PEW: if I go to my mom’s the baby goes too i want you to know that
LM: We’ll see about that. We’ll work out an arrangement I suppose.
PEW: well lets work it out… because I’d like to do that
LM: Yeah, sure… I bet you do.
PEW: you can see him at night like you do now
LM: Grow up.
PEW: i am grown up …I’m not the one who screams and yells and curses in from of my infant son
LM: Stop lying… you might not yell… but you curse like truck driver PEW. That is a fact.

(end)

I can remember the look on DW’s face when I first handed her this particular binder. This was the first item she read. She wasn’t halfway finished the transcript when she looked up at me with “that look.” It’s a look that is forever burned in my memory. The “how the hell did you put up with this shit” look, which is usually soon followed by the “why the fuck did you ever marry this psycho” look.

It’s that look you have on your face right now.