The Psycho Ex Wife

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Approximately 4-years ago to the day is when I had the opportunity to read the conclusions and recommendations from custody evaluation #1.  I was out of town at the time and recall talking to my attorney about the contents.  While I wasn’t deliberately misled, he didn’t deliver the extent of the lopsided custody recommendation to me.  You can see it in an email I sent to my family at the time…

Folks,

While I don’t have the full details as yet (I’m out of town) - I spoke to Lawyer1 this morning and it appears that the evaluator has gone with a recommendation of continued joint custody. I’m slightly disappointed as you know I have genuine concerns over PEW’s mental health status (which are genuine and not malicious). And yes… while not entirely surprising, I’m somewhat surprised at the recommendation given that the evaluator has clearly disregarded:

- The whole break-in situation and the upset it had caused everyone.
- The acceptance of the PFA based upon that situation.
- The fact that PEW didn’t turn over the firearms in a timely fashion and was called to court on a contempt charge.
- Her irrational behavior and reactions in two separate joint sessions in front of the evaluator (of which you only have my word that it happened as described).

Further defying explanation is the specifics of the recommendation which offers:

- During the school year, I have them 3 of every 4 weekends of each month 1 extra weeknight during that week following a weekend I don’t have them. (Continuing pretty much a 50/50 arrangement).

- During the Summer, the situation reverses to her having them as described above.

- Each getting 2 weeks of “vacation time” with them.

The reason this further defies explanation is that, given current living arrangements, it allows for them to be cooped up inside PEW’s apartment on 3 of 4 weekends in the Summer instead of at their home with their friends, neighbors, family, and yard. Further, it goes against the evaluator’s own position regarding “daycare” (not beneficial for the children) because the reverse arrangment for the Summer means that they will be in daycare all week long. But I guess I’m not the paid professional evaluator.

Finally, barring some unforeseen circumstances that will convince me I can keep the house without jeopardizing my financial future, I will be signing the consent for divorce and risking that the outcome is that I have to sell the house. I simply can’t keep this up for 18 more months and paying PEW $200/month in APL… that difference is just making it too difficult to make ends meet.

I will speak to Lawyer1 this week or the beginning of next week to discuss her “counter offer” which was 50/50 net (based on a new appraisal) - or, if we go to court, they’re going for a bigger amount 60/40. I don’t think that they have a shot, but then, the evaluator’s recommendation doesn’t make the best sense, either… so who knows.

Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement. It has meant a lot to me… not sure if I tell you all often enough.

If you want/need to reach me before Wednesday night… call me on the cell.

Love,
LM

The panic wouldn’t set in until I read the actual content of the report (previously posted). What I wrote above wasn’t the case and it was so much worse. The above was calm, resolute, and appeared to be a “minor setback.” When I read the actual report, my email to my family was angry, confused, and quite frankly - scared.

Folks,

Details…

I’m in shock. I was warned that I could experience an “anti-father” situation, but I thought in the 20 years since father-bias was a “given”, things had changed for the better to some degree. I was wrong, apparently…

After reading the details of the evaluator’s report, I am absolutely shocked that it was such a one-sided hatchet-piece against me. I don’t know what to do except I am going to try to work something out with PEW regarding a modified arrangement of current or see if she wants to take it to custody trial where I can attempt to defend myself against the decidedly one-sided report that the evaluator has filed with the court.

While “making note” of PEW’s concerns, particularly noting her contention (without support) that I have a “hair-trigger temper” and crap like that, she conversely makes little or no mention of things that I had expressed concern about. I wasn’t allowed a copy but make notes of a couple of things that the evaluator writes, without specifying context:

“The father clearly has control issues because he expressed a strong desire to be the primary decision maker for the boys.”

She made that assessment on the following exchange between her and I in the very first session where she asked me what I wanted from the expected custody arrangement TO WHICH I responded (paraphrased as I don’t recall the exact words), “I’m concerned that my wife has a touch of bipolar disorder and her increased agitation and aggression towards me has me concerned for her ability to make decisions that are in the best interests of the children. I believe I am in a better position to make decisions regarding schooling, church, doctors, and situations like that, at this point in time, than PEW.”

From that, she writes that blurb which clearly paints me as a control-freak and doesn’t deliver the context in which I expressed the desire. NOR does the evaluator make mention of the following issues in her report:

- The incident from September where PEW broke into the house causing a great deal of upset to me, and most especially the children over the better part of two days. Situations that required me to call the police twice to de-escalate a couple of situations.

- The Restraining Order which was accepted by PEW without contest. The evaluator pushed it aside as “lawyer posturing” and not as a factual issue that actually occurred.

- The fact that bipolar disorder is in her family and I have a concern that PEW may have something, too. All I ever asked for was for her to see a professional and she hasn’t… and also expressed the possibility that I could be wrong, but the symptoms and support I have for them would very strong indicators.

- PEW’s unfounded accusations, several of which the evaluator saw fit to note, while not noting many, if any, of my concerns over her antics, NOR documenting actual acting-out behavior on PEW’s part in session in front of said evaluator.

The evaluator further asserts that I “had a temper when angry with the mother” and “when he became frustrated, showed anger towards the mother.”

It appears that the evaluator uses “frustration” and “anger” interchangeably and the two are not synonymous. I expressed frustration, but at no time did I express anger towards PEW. I can think of two times where I expressed relatively controlled frustration:

- She was reading from a list of complete fabrications, including that I’m drunk, drugged or otherwise incoherent every time I call the boys and can’t be understood… that I must be abusing drugs… that I physically abused her on a regular basis… (a whole host of complete fabrications… not simple embellishments of truth…)

- When she claimed that I was using the children for my own financial gain, I expressed that I was unwilling to sell the house outright because the children are happy there, go to school in the district, have friends in the neighborhood… and was trying to work something out that wouldn’t involve selling the home, etc. and that a judge ruled in my favor regarding the schooling issue in August.

- Failed to mention that during one of the joint sessions, I agreed to a joint-custody arrangement having suggested two options: a) That we reversed the current arrangement and I had them during the weekdays and PEW would have them over the weekend. b) that we agree to come up with another arrangement that would allow me a “weekend or two off” because I had hoped to do some part-time work, perhaps even with [brother], to assist in making ends-meet and provide for the boys. Both were flat-out refused by PEW on the spot… and yet there was no mention made of this in the evaluator’s report.

So, there is no context, just mention of “anger and frustration” with no explanation… for either!

It was so horrible. Currently, I have the boys 50% of the time (sometimes a little more), and it is typically Friday thru Monday morning… plus every other week I keep them until Tuesday morning. The recommendation is a bit worse than I thought offering the following:

- During the school year, I would get them from Friday after school until Sunday at 7:30PM. 3 of 4 weekends per month. That off-weekend week, I would get “1 dinner visit” (NOT an overnight).

- During the Summer, it would be the reverse, however, instead of PEW getting a “dinner visit” the same way, SHE gets an overnight.

- It further recommends that the children go to school in the district in which PEW resides… this is conflict with a previous judge’s ruling regarding where the children are to go to school.

The report paints PEW in a completely positive light… makes no mention of my genuine concerns nor of her unusual behavior and acting out in two of the sessions. It also notes that PEW has tailored her schedule to the kids needs. *I* am the one who has done that and my boss can attest to that fact! I told this to the evaluator and she makes no mention of that fact in the report! The fact is, PEW changed her work schedule to current to maximize her support payments when I refused to pay her 50/50 support when I had the kids 65% of the time in April and May and was going to have the 60% of each month during the Summer (until she wasn’t going to get the maximum from me)! Only then did she change her schedule to her current one. That’s a fact.

On the whole, it painted me as an angry, frustrated father whose sole purpose was to hold up this process because PEW wouldn’t agree to either of my two property settlement proposals.

So, while all the advice I was given was to not paint the opposing party in a bad light… it seems that PEW’s approach, which was to paint me in a bad light… worked. The report is written entirely from (near-ex’s) point of view… and if I wasn’t a reasonable thinking adult… I would almost bet money that PEW wrote the report. It truly parrots all of the accusations PEW made during our sessions without expressing any of my concerns. Furthermore, beyond citing a positive interaction with the boys during the one session when they had to be there (and the boys expressing their love for me) - there was hardly anything positive to point out about me despite my offering a rather compelling load of information to the contrary.

So, this wasn’t really a draw now that I’ve had the chance to read the report word-for-word… it was clearly a loss and could only have been worse if the recommendation was for me to be an “every other weekend” father.

Still, I know I have so much to be Thankful for… so very much… it’s just disappointing to know that my kids lives will be uprooted again… another change of home(s)… another change of school… and very likely a decidedly more difficult upbringing.

Shocked is an understatement… I am just blown away at the total disregard the evaluator had for my concerns… and especially confused that she would go so far as to recommend against what a judge had already determined to be better for the kids during a trial over the school situation where we both presented a case…

…perhaps I should look upon that as a potential positive… even though they typically lean hard on the reports - perhaps a case in front of a judge will be met with more objectivity than the way the evaluator chose to handle it.

UPDATE >>> I had spoken to PEW about revisiting a modified arrangement and she refused because she “had to spend a couple thousand dollars to deal with the custody evaluation and since I didn’t agree to (her) terms before that, (she) wasn’t inclined to change things now.”

So, the best I can hope to do is call into question the evaluator’s absence of objectivity and facts as I presented them in the sessions and hope that I can be compelling enough to have a judge consider ordering a joint-custody arrangement.

Keep me in your good thoughts and prayers. I’m gonna need it.

~LM

During my review of the report, my lawyer quite ominously informed me that the court puts a lot of weight in the custody evaluator’s recommendations and “almost always” goes with what the CE recommends. That started me on a very frustrating negotiating effort for both the children and the property settlement. In my mind, I had “lost” everything. Anything more than what the CE recommended would be a win at this point and that’s what I went with.

On top of that, in response to the second email above, several in my family asked that I stop giving them a “blow by blow” of my situation because it was more information than they needed to know and they frankly didn’t want to hear so much about it anymore. So on top of that devastation, those I was using as support and venting wanted to back off (understandably, I suppose) from all the drama. I was going to have to deal with all of this myself.

It would also be my first Thanksgiving without the children. Needless to say, it was an emotional time for me. Since I didn’t want the focus to be on what I was going through, I managed that lump in my throat the best I could. When I couldn’t, I removed myself quietly to my brother’s garage, hid behind a car, and bawled my eyes out one or two times during the course of the day. I would recover, clean myself up, and return to the party. One time, my sister-in-law (my oldest brother’s wife) noticed me sliding out and came into the garage after me. I remember the time vividly. She didn’t say much besides expressing her understanding. She hugged me and just let me wail and whine for a bit. For that, I thanked her and won’t ever forget it.

It’s tough under such circumstances to be “thankful” for much of anything. I was depressed. I was pissed off. I was worried about my future and the future of the boys. Hardly worth celebrating or giving thanks.

While Thanksgiving 2004 was a sorrowful, troublesome time for me… the Thanksgiving Holiday would “give back” to me. I’ll share that tomorrow with Part II.