Step-Parenting is Both Like Parenting and Not So Much
Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.
Today’s article is born of a thread started on one of our psycho ex-wife PEW forums. Our situation is not the only one out there which exists within the framework of having an extremely difficult post-divorce relationship alongside one that is exceedingly amicable. PEW and I - not so much good. POE and DW - I literally can’t think of a single thing negative. Much of what I’ll present from my own perspective as a step-father will touch on the positive experiences that have been a part of my life as a step-father. DW’s experiences, on the other hand, would be the polar opposite, at least in so far as there are no dealings with PEW. DW learned early on that any interaction with PEW would result in failure, so it’s just avoided and she serves in the capacity of step-mother without much interaction nor interference from PEW. That’s the case simply because she just doesn’t allow it given the history.
I’ve spoken before about how the parenting styles of me and DW are almost perfectly in-tune with one another. This really encompasses every parenting category, interactions with the children on any level, discipline, fun, education, reading - literally every single topic that, as parents, as step-mother, as step-father - you can expect to experience.
Given that the parenting styles of both POE and DW are pretty well in line with one another, it should come as no surprise that POE is extremely supportive of my role in the step-children’s lives. Contrary to the opinion of some - I am a good parent, I love children, and relish my role as a teacher and guide and all that which is part of that process. I’ve been supported by POE in the extremely rare case where the children have complained about something that we’ll say… “didn’t go their way.” The support was without hesitation and decisive. It sent a strong message to the kids. To best of my knowledge, I’ve never done anything to draw POE’s ire, well, with the exception of giving the children a ride on the motorcycle with the permission of DW. POE was less than thrilled with that and imposed a motorcycle ban which has since been 100% honored, over the objections and begging of the kids.
As a step-father, I’m extremely lucky to have a partner like DW and the strength of relationship we enjoy together. I’m extremely lucky that the step-children have a biological father who is not threatened by my mere existence in their children’s lives. I know my role. He knows I know my role. I will always defer to him and DW when it comes to matters regarding the step-kids.
Bottom line is that for me, my experience as a step-father has proven to be little different than that of a father. All four kids are great. The only differences in approach with any of the kids, specifically the step-kids, are matters that are beyond the day-to-day living. Those are the higher level matters that biological parents discuss and settle. Even there my input is often requested and considered if appropriate. It’s quite the blessing.
For how it is both like and unlike parenting from DW’s perspective, visit the article: I’m Just a Step-Mother
I know the obvious - that it’s not true of every arrangement and it’s quite likely that every single parenting and step-parenting arrangement has it’s own unique idiosyncrasies. Some comments on this topic from the forums:
From 00bp00 about step-parenting:
Let me start off by saying that I have no idea what it is like to be a step parent. I try and put myself in that position, to better understand DW, but I do not have first hand knowledge of what it is like.
I HAVE spent the better part of a year watching my brother and sister when they were in HS, because my mom had gone to live in another country for a while. But they were my siblings not my step-kids.
There are so many times that Lifesabeach does things, acts a certain way, or talks like she is a parent to my kids… and I think its wonderful. There are other times she has the ability to be something else than a parent, not a friend, but a sort of connection that is more like friend ship… and I think its wonderful. There are other times when the strain of being the other two gets to her, and she has a hard time with being in the role of a parent, but not being the parent… those times are not wonderful, but I try and be supportive without being invasive…
From E&C on being a step-mother:
Last night, I was trying to talk to BF about how frustrating it is to be a step. I told him he often lets me talk about difficult things or dole out discipline, and I’m comfortable doing so. However, there are times when he comes down hard with the “my kid, my decision” line of reasoning, and it hurts because here are all these other times I’m “allowed” to parent SD, but when he doesn’t like what I’m saying or doing, it’s not my kid, so I should butt out completely.
Which is it, BF? I feel like I’m a parent when it’s convenient to him, and I’m “just the girlfriend” when it’s challenging to him.
Therein lies the root of many of our arguments.
On being a step-mother, Banannie wrote:
Being a step is like living under a microscope. Every decision, move and word you say is analyzed, dissected, and then regurgitated in some form by everyone involved in the child’s life. Upon regurgitation, the people commenting often add their own ascribed meaning to your thoughts, words and actions to further their own agenda.
Having said that, how the step addresses these situations is often wrought with internal conflict. Which then creates stress, lots and lots of stress. Blowing off steam to one’s partner is interpreted by some as: you don’t like my kids, you don’t appreciate me and what I am trying to do, you are trying to be the parent and you’re not their parent, along with a host of other ideas and accusations.
As a step I’ve learned:
- there is no controlling insanity, only mitigating the aftermath
- suggestions are just that, suggestions
- how someone parents is not a reflection on me as an individual
- this is my world and I do have a say in the decisions that impact me and my life
- I cannot “make” everyone perfect, so why bother trying
Only I corrected all of Banannie’s typographical errors. She sometimes rushes and stuff like that, so such editor intervention is often necessary.
Step-mothering from Synt’s perspective:
One of the hardest aspects for me of being a step-parent is the lack of outward affection. I know that sounds so trivial in the grand scheme of things but it is rare that I ever get a hug or an I love you from SS. I understand it though, in his mind he would probably feel like he was betraying his mother.
Another aspect that I despise of being a step-parent is that even though DH and I have our own child, a CO hampers things we would normally do. If we want to take a trip to Disney World, we have to plan it for a certain week so that SS can come. We can’t go to my parents house out of state for Thanksgiving (as was my families tradition) but every 4th year because of the way the PT is split. We can never take DD or SS on a trip (vacation or to see family) for Christmas because the exchange of SS happens late Christmas Eve night. Yeah, we can work around these and go earlier or later but it sure would be nice to enjoy my families traditions with my DD without having to take anything else into consideration.
We would welcome you sharing your thoughts on being a step-mother, a step-father, and how it is like and unlike being a biological parent, too. Please comment!
July 16th, 2010 at 10:10 am
Mister M… you missed one
July 16th, 2010 at 10:32 am
Regarding the expression of physical affection (hugs) — this has been a struggle for me as a step-mother. Not that I need the hugs or the thank-yous, or what-not… no, I have already set my expectations that I will receive none of that. And that’s okay with me. I have many other ways of restoring my energy, I don’t need to get it from my skids.
However — I see my skids hurting inside, and I know they really need more hugs than they get. I wish I could comfort them more, give more energy, etc., and I cannot. What I can do is be super-supportive of their Dad, take care of him the best I can, so that he has extra energy to give to his children. I just hope it’s enough. Those kiddos are really needy.
July 16th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Banannie… nuh-uh.
July 16th, 2010 at 11:38 am
DH and I try our very best to treat all the kids equally. Our situation is a lot like yours in that DH, my XH, his SO, and I all get along and back each other up with the children discipline etc. and then there is PEW, cooperation is only a word thrown around in court but never acted upon. Despite the relationship with PEW we do our very best to be sure the kids do not suffer. This does not mean that I do not become angry and resentful when plans are changed due to PEW or when DD and DS have to go without because we threw all our money at court or PEW expenses. I get angry when DH is constantly stuck with the bills. I try to keep the balance and I feel like a juggler on a tightrope some days. Yet this is not the fault of our girls. They deserve our love and affection and that’s what we give. We long ago settled that my house is my house. PEW’s authority stops at the door. My rules are not cruel and they will be enforced. I do discipline my children, all of them when needed and the children love me regardless. I do not lack in hugs and kisses from any of the children. SD1 and SD2 are extremely affectionate little girls even to the point of clingy at times. Part of this is a HUGE fear of abandonment. They have been calling me Mom ever since the wedding at their insistence. My greatest difficulty is turning off the Mama Bear where PEW is concerned ( I can not sit by and let someone blindly hurt my family it goes against my very nature.)For this reason I try and have zero contact with her however that is just not possible and I do what I can to keep my cool each and every time she crosses the line for the sake of the kids. The bright side is it does seem to be working and the only person becoming alienated in PEW’s efforts is PEW.
July 18th, 2010 at 8:56 am
I really related to Banannie’s post. Often I feel as though no matter what I say or what I do it will be interpreted in an unflattering way.
If I love being a step parent and am very involved with my skids, then I’m confused about who their mother is.
If I’m frustrated by my skids and need a break or at the moment they are the source of some marital strife, then I’m a wicked step mother who wishes her husband didn’t have those horrible children from his first marriage. Those poor kids - it must be awful when they have to “visit” their dad.
I’ve found, over time, it’s best just not to say a thing…When people ask if I have children I say I do and not much else. I even avoid talking about all the fun things I do with my children because believe it or not family and friends have raised an eyebrow about “just what am I trying to do with those kids - take them from their mother?”
It’s histerical what people will say, too, when they don’t realize there is a step parent among them. That may also be why I don’t often divulge it. I love to hear the stereotypes and to hear people go on about step parents. It’s fun in a twisted way.
We were attending my SD’s birthday party at her mother’s house when the parent of a guests approached my husband and I. She spoke about the shame it was that my SD’s father “wasn’t in the picture” and had chosen his new wife over his kids. It was interesting when she asked if my husband was SD’s uncle and he replied “Nope, her father.”
PEWs further the stereotypes…the example above was caused by our PEW telling people that we’re out of the picture. We aren’t. Not even close. In her mind, though, she is a single mom. She washes and dries!
July 19th, 2010 at 9:44 am
I love being a step-mother to my husband’s kids. I’m lucky because I have a very good relationship with the kids. I think this has a lot to do with their personalities, how my husband has handled the situation, and how I handle it. And a big dose of luck!
I approach being a step-mom in the same way I approach being an Aunt to my brother and sister’s kids. I love them like they’re family. When they’re in my house I provide structure for them and I nurture them. But my husband holds the final say on major decisions.
My husband, even though he has the final say, never throws it in my face, and he backs me up when I’ve made a decision. If he’s not home and I have to punish one of them, he backs me up even if he doesn’t agree with it. Then we talk about it in private. We sat down a long time ago and discussed roles, house rules, expectations, etc. I think this is very important.
Because the kids know that my word is the same as their dad’s, they don’t argue or play us against each other.
Now, outside of the house, it’s a different story. Everyone has an opinion of how things should be done. (I think this is true for bio-mom’s too.) A lot of single mom’s automatically get their hackles raised when they see me with my step-kids. They definitely get out their magnifying glasses to see if I’m crossing any of those invisible, ever moving boundaries. It’s a catch-22 situation in a lot of ways, because if I’m loving and nurturing I’m “trying to be their mom”. But if I’m more reserved I’m “cold”.
I try not to worry about what other people think, and to guage my actions by the relationship I have with the kids. I think I’ll know by their actions if it’s not going well. So far it is. And that’s way more important to me than what strangers think about how I’m step-parenting.
July 20th, 2010 at 1:58 pm
I also love being a step-mom to my husband’s kids. If only their mother accepted it as readily. We have a very complex relationship at this point which I will be posting about in the forum soon.
I am in the position to be a both a parent and a step-parent and so can see both sides of the fence. There are times when being a step is actually more rewarding than being a parent. I believe that a child can not have too many people to love and support them.
I love that my son’s step-mom is there for him and loves him as much as I do. We are soon to be grandparents together and while it has not always been smooth sailing, we have developed a relationship that is supportive of not only my son but also of each other’s relationship with each other.
I have, like most step-parents, heard the “you’re not my mom” line. My reply has always been along the lines of “I know, and I still love you and put up with you anyway.”
July 21st, 2010 at 9:19 am
My own sanity, and my relationship with my BF, has been saved by adopting the attitude that we will only worry about what works for us and what is best for the kids. We have similar parenting attitudes already, so that helps a lot. When it comes to dealing with the PEW, I support him any way I can, but I have learned ultimately that is his final call how to handle something. She’s not my ex-wife and not the mother of my children. I don’t always agree with his strategy, but I let him know and then zip it!
So many stepparents make themselves crazy wondering what other people think. I only care what the kids think, and what their father thinks.
July 28th, 2010 at 9:56 pm
So I was going to post once and not include alot of personal info and you suck me in with this one.
As an X step mom/bestfriend/big sister to my step daughter I think that the hardest part of being a step mom for me was that the kids at school and day care would call me Mom. Psycho ex girlfriend had yelled and thrown temper tantrums so many times
(at daycare when dropping off or picking up step daughter) that the 2-3 year olds refused to acknowledge her as step daughters Mom and I by default (because I was less crazy and smiled more I guess, was to them all (and we are talking about a 50 kid day care group and a 25 kid kindergarten class after a few years when she went to public school)) my step daughters Mom. I would correct them and say step mom and they would say no you’re not, you’re step daughters Mom.
August 16th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
I am the stepmom to 10, yes, 10 kids - 8 of them are adults and living on their own. As soon as they reach 18 they move out of their mother’s home to get some space from her controlling ways. I have been in their lives for nearly 14 years now.
Some of the things I’ve learned from dealing with a BPD ex wife and the fallout for the kids are:
* The kids have been brainwashed. Their confusion and lack of warmth towards me is natural, given what they have been told. Love them the best I can anyway.
* When the kids did eventually decide to open up to me and to their dad, they had no idea how to talk about the awful things they said in the past, the ways they snubbed me, the hurtful things they did. Expecting an apology just mucks up the whole relationship. Let it go. (Not easy. Letting 10 years of mean just roll off my back takes a lot of love, and making that decision over and over again.)
* They still have erroneous ideas about me and about their dad. Trying to correct them and get them to see the truth wears me out. I try to just let things go. When I can. It sucks, but forcing the truth on them just causes conflict and ruins the moments we do have with them.
* It is okay to let my dreams go of the close, warm happy holidays and times I wanted to create with my stepkids. That has not been possible with his BPD ex wife as their mom. We get the crumbs. We have not had one major holiday with the kids in the 14 years I’ve known my sweetheart, but fighting for the days just caused too much pain all around, so that is another thing we’ve had to just let go.
* Just because the ex wife has won every single court battle in this case does not mean we are losers. It can feel that way. We have both been demonized and slandered and investigated because of her false accusations, but we have our integrity and our love. We have our warm, close, honest relationships with my kids and some of his kids. We have each other. She has her anger and her jealousy. I’d rather be me anyday.
* I love to love. I cannot allow the BPD ex wife to take that feeling of love I feel for my stepkids from me. At the beginning of this mess, I backed off from loving the kids and doing things with them because she was so threatened. That only cost the kids having a nurturing female in their life. I now see (in hindsight) that backing off did nothing to alleviate her feelings of being threatened. I thought I was dealing with a sane person. I wasn’t. So now I just love the kids in the best way I can and know that it is good enough. Despite all the negative comments from all the family members she has managed to enlist into thinking I am evil and a witch. I have to go with my own internal experience and trust that.
* It is okay if some of the kids never accept me. Their loss. I can’t control how they see me, what they do or how long they believe lies. It hurts, it bites the big one, but it is what it is. My happiness matters too, and if I focus on what I don’t have I am not happy, so I have learned to just accept it and not see it as a reflection of my worth. I feel pain over it, but I can’t afford to beat my head bloody anymore. (One of my sweetheart’s daughters has 3 kids. I have never been allowed to meet them. Consequently, their grandpa rarely sees them. They lose because their mom still believes lies the BPD ex wife told her years ago. Sad.) Some things you just have to have the serenity to accept.
* You can’t argue with insanity. ‘Nough said. (BPD ex wife)
* The kids have to be allowed to have their own experience of the whole ugly divorce/custody thing. They eventually find the ways to cope with all the confusion. It is so difficult to stand back and allow, but that is one of the hardest lessons we have learned. The more we tried to explain, defend, or get the truth out, the more of a mess it became.
* Dads get a completely raw deal most of the time in family courts. Especially if the wife has a personality disorder. I hope to god my sons never have children in this country, or if they do, they choose a mother for their kids who is reasonable.
* Being a stepmom is fun, aggravating, rewarding, overwhelming, surprising and loving. It’s a relationship, so it is like any other relationship. It takes work, willingness to communicate, love, give and take, and everyone has a choice. The kids get to decide to accept me and love me - or not. I get to decide how I want to treat them. It is all choice.