So I Don’t Have to be the Bad Guy…
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The wait for the reply is over. At least initially, I was pleasantly surprised and prepared to say, “I was wrong, she came back with a reply that was civil and cooperative.” She did. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the backslide began and old habits reared their ugly head. The old habit? An inability to just step up and “be the parent.” So, without much further adieu - the reply regarding yesterday’s request for extra time with the children.
LM,
Actually, camp ends on the 15th for the summer. I had arranged to have my friend T——’s nephew (a teenager) watch them that week, which is fine if you’re working up here and you want to leave them with him during the day at my house and just pick them up after you get done work that’s fine too.
I think it’s only fair that I let you have them early if you want this week since you did that for me when I wanted to go away. Are you guys going somewhere?
~PEW
A couple of things are interesting in this response. That is… aside from the apparent cooperation.
The first - the irony that she has a “teenager” prepared to babysit the children. This is another one of those examples where her rules don’t apply to her, just everyone else. Of course, the first thing I remember is her outrage that I had not one, but TWO very responsible 16-year olds watch the boys for a few hours on New Year’s Eve while DW and I attended a community event. So, it’s okay for her to do that (all day long while she is at work for a full week), but not okay for me to do it for a few hours. She made mention of it in this rant about her safety concerns.
The second - this is a violation of the court order. The childcare provision of our agreement was born of a couple of issues.
#1 - Her repeatedly pulling the children out of agreed-upon childcare and placing them with friends while pocketing my portion of the childcare expenses. (She was ultimately found in contempt-of-court on that issue.)
#2 - Her objections over my early use of a nanny (who happened to be licensed and certified). In order to avoid any more problems, a provision regarding childcare requires:
7 - Childcare: During the school year, the children are to be enrolled in aftercare associated with the school they attend preferably. If not, another licensed daycare facility is permitted as agreed upon in writing by both parties. During the summer period, the children are to be enrolled in a licensed daycare facility, summer camp, or certified nanny as agreed upon in writing by both parties.
So much for her alleged safety concerns and at least she remains consistent in not following court orders. Still, I am pleased with the apparent cooperation!
Well, it didn’t last long. The initial response consititutes an “agreed upon change in writing between both parties.” See my post The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause post. I wrote back:
PEW,
Thanks. If you have day coverage, that would make it MUCH easier. I can cover you on the 20th & 21st. No specific plans, just wanted to have two full weekend days to do stuff. Beach. Bike training. Whatever else we can think of.
~LM
Not long after my agreement to do both, comes the change via text and then email.
Text message 1 from PEW:
The boys freaked when I said they were getting pu early they said that ur not going anywhere.
Text message 2 from PEW:
Can we do it on a weekend u have something special so I don’t have to be a bad guy?
Email from PEW:
LM,
would you like to try to talk to them about this weekend? I felt really bad because they said they feel like they don’t get to spend enough time with me.
~PEW
It was nice while it lasted. It’s astounding, given how many times I’ve been deliberately put into the position of “bad guy” because she didn’t want to parent, discipline, explain appropriately, etc. because of her. This link explains it pretty well: Why Our Sons Will Struggle with Discipline. It is one of many examples sprinkled throughout this blog. Here she is, incapable of taking advantage of a perfect opportunity to explain to the children that mom and dad are cooperating and put down their clear attempt to manipulate the situation. Again, I will not bail her out.
PEW,
No, not particularly. What I would like is for you to tell them that we’ve made a schedule adjustment, as I have for you in the past and it would be nice to just spend a weekend doing things instead of spending one of the days interrupted by an exchange.
What I won’t do is get into a situation where they’re manipulating the situation into that one of us (whether it is you or me) have some “expectation” that something “special” needs to be done for them… on their terms. An explanation that we’re cooperating with one another for a change is all the reason that they need.
~LM
At this point, I’m not sure that the early pick-up this week is going to happen. Of course, that will be another violation of the custody order and the question becomes, do I point that out and go pick up the children anyway? We know that will only escalate the situation, but I am well within my rights to do just that. Of course, it will be met with the flaming email barrage which will be ignored.
In any event…
LM,
Fine. I’ll talk to them. As for the 20th and 21st, I just need you to take them overnight on the 20th. I’ll be coming home thursday night around 7 or 8ish, so I’ll just have someone watch them till I get home. On Friday morning I’m going to take them to [parent's vacation home] for the weekend, so just confirm, ok?
I also wanted to talk to you about school supplies. I have lists and I am wondering if you will split the cost with me this year because I am broke, as you know?
~PEW
Aren’t we all? In the same breath that she informs me she is taking off from work to drive several hours for a weekend vacation - she’s telling me to split the school supplies because she’s broke. Did you catch that?
PEW,
I’m confirming everything with one exception. I’ll pick them [up] on Thursday and take them home and feed them and we can arrange to exchange as you get closer to home.
Email me the school supplies list.
~LM
Finally, from PEW: “Fine LM. I have the lists at home, I’ll try to remember to bring them tomorrow.”
August 6th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Hey, I’m broke too…can you ask PEW how this “splitting school supply thing” works because I’m gonna ask PB this weekend.
Note the sarcasm….
It just don’t work that way “lady”….
August 6th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Yeah, and let’s also “split” the new school wardrobes (name brand clothes, of course), sports physicals, uniforms, coach’s fees, band instruments, any other extra-curricular activity I can sign them up for, even if they never actually participate… is it time to put the kids in orthodontic braces yet? New bikes to ride to school (which will remain unused), new tires for my car when I have to drive them to school - these bald tires are unsafe for the *kids*…
Oh let’s see, I could go on and on. I swear there is a PEW script out there somewhere, because they all sound exactly the same when they spew this nonsense.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Yes, always the same. What I hope happens is that LM gives her a bill for swim team, the swim suits, awards ceremony fees, etc from the summer, since we are expected to pay half of everything they do during the school year with her. Of course he’ll be labeled as “cheap” for asking.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
The issue I have with it (first, the minor one) - is that she acts as if she’s the only one dealing with financial issues. The second (major one) is that we both make wages sufficient to support our children the 50% of the time we each have them.
However, I still pay child support.
So, I waffle between doing what, in a normal situation, is “right” - and saying, “I send you hundreds of dollars every month. Handle it.”
August 6th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
The bottom line is - if I didn’t have to pay child support under the current shared-custody arrangement, I would gladly split every reasonable extra expense 50/50.
What I should do is say, “I’ll pay for 50% of every reasonable extra expense over and above the child support I pay you every month. Please save your receipts.”
August 6th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
O…M…G!! I just posted on the FTF site the other day about our PEW asking for DH to help out with school supplies, and shoes, and clothes, and…..
…..and, crazy lady Vulture, DH alone was calculated into the CS calculation, pays 100% of medical/dental/orthodontic costs, covers kids’ health insurance, pays 100% towards extracurricular activities, and pays you a tidy little CS/Alimony sum that is more than the average salary in our state (and there are definitely some people with money in this state). What is Vulture’s financial responsibility? A big fat ZERO percent, apparently.
Blegh.
August 6th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Ok…everyone I know has financial issues from time to time. Seriously. A lot of folks are having their homes forclosed upon and people have to make sacrifices.
Note how she just assumes that you are not–or doesn’t even ask. She just assumes you will be there to rescue her.
She’s taking them to wrestling, going on vacation for 10 days…how many school items would that buy?
Do the right thing–say NO!
“PEW, I’m sorry, but that isn’t possible this year. As usual, I’ll pay for swim lessons, etc…etc. Unless of course, you want to go half on that.”
August 6th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I will probably just say “no” for the reasons you cite and more.
Truth be told, given the 50/50 situation, if I thought she would agree, I would float this idea:
We drop child support from this mess altogether and I will agree to pay 50% of all reasonable, child-related expenses. We can both save our receipts… settle up at the end of the year… and be done with it.
I wouldn’t care if it COST MORE money than I pay now.
I’m not talking clothes or shoes or anything like that. After all, we’re 50/50 and should be responsible for those items on our own.
Agreed-upon extracurriculars, school supplies, unreimbursed medical expenses (she would match in unreimbursed what it costs annually to carry them on my insurance before split kicks in), aftercare during the school year… etc.
No WAY she would agree to that because it would end up being far less than what she gets already… but that’s how things SHOULD be done in a 50/50 where both parents make more in salary than the national average.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Mr. M,
If she makes a salary above the national average and you now have 50/50 custody….do you think it might make sense to re-visit the whole child support issue? Might it actually help your case–meaning you’d have to pay less?
I’m sure you’ve looked up the numbers calculator online…but it’s just a thought.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
It was visited when the custody situation moved to 50/50. Remember, in a “shared income model” state, it isn’t about the needs of the children… it’s about taking money from the higher earning parent and giving it to the lesser earning parent to “balance the net income between the two homes.” Simple income distribution and nothing else.
For instance, if I net $90,000 and she nets $70,000 - even in a 50/50 custody situation, I HAVE TO PAY her $10,000 so that both households have $80,000 net income. That’s a quick and dirty (and accurate) assessment of child support using that model.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
And it doesn’t matter how much it cost us to have custody of the kids either, we pay for TWO houses plus the gas to drive 400 miles each week to have the kids, AND still pay child support. While she can’t even pay for the 1 house she has and keep a car. Child support should come with strings attached and they should be held responsible for providing for the children with the money. PEW consistently spends it on herself, and non needed toys while the boys go without haircuts for 6 months, sneakers that don’t fit, pants that are 6 sizes too small, etc.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:35 am
I getcha…
I always try to hope for the best, but truly, nothing is fair or even sane when dealing with the court.
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
This sounds exactly like my ex. I have primary custody of our son and she sees him every other weekend. 4 days, 2 nights a month. I provide her with a stipend each month as she cries that she cant pay bills (but she has money for a dog walker and eating out). Every time I drop our son off, she asks for money so she can entertain him. Despite all of that, she has a fit when I ask her for favors such as washing his clothes (she took the washer and dryer). I cannot believe the endless greed and complete lack of consideration for my financial situation.