Shutting Down ThePsychoExwife.Com
Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.
It’s not going to happen. I’ll start by simply pointing out that it is constitutionally-protected free speech. That’s the easy part.
The bottom line is that we’ve gone to great lengths to protect the identities of those who are oftentimes the topics of our venting, our articles, your contributions, our advice and suggestions, and so on. The reality is that this website is, for the sake of argument, completely anonymous. For anyone who isn’t a part of the actual events depicted - everything posted on here is complete fiction. Or, it’s fiction that is loosely based on “real-life events.” Or - it’s the frigging truth. Whatever it is or isn’t - it’s a threat to no one. It’s damaging to no one. It’s proven helpful to many. We’re not talking five or six people. We’re talking about many thousands. This is why this site exists and will continue to exist.
Let’s consider this blog post an update to our About Us and Why Talk About it On the Internet pages. Some of it is rehashing exactly what we felt when this all started. Plenty will add to those original thoughts.
What this website is…
- This website is about us. That is, it’s about DW and Mister-M and their lives. It shares the experiences of going through a high-conflict divorce with an ex-wife whose entire existence is predicated on pursuing and destroying her ex-husband. The only tool she has left with which to do this - the children. (It is not about PEW. It never has been. It never will be.)
- This website is about you. That is to say, this website is about those of you who are going through similar experiences and are looking to pull yourselves out of the madness as much as our advice and suggestions allow. It is through sharing your ideas, thoughts, suggestions, and experiences that all others who read here learn to cope better. You learn how to manage your situations better. You learn how to avoid making the same mistakes we have (and sometimes still do) in order to improve your lives and the lives of those you love.
- This site is about seeking help. Many of you will never know how your feedback, suggestions, advice, and sharing have helped us immeasurably throughout our journey. For that, we thank you and then we thank you again.
- This site is our place to vent our proverbial spleens in whatever manner and using whatever language we so choose. One of the greatest suggestions I learned in therapy was to “journal” my experiences. That is what we do. As stated in previous pages, it eliminates the burden of telling these stories to family and friends. If there weren’t so frigging many of them, it would be different. But with some craziness happening, still, on a weekly (sometimes even daily) basis - you can imagine how quickly people would tire of hearing about it. And they did tire of hearing about it. Now, we do it to no one in particular and anyone who comes here to read, reflect, share… does so of their own accord. No one is forced to come to this site and no one is certainly forced to read any of the content.
- This site is not about hating women/mothers. This site is not about hating men/fathers. We are gender neutral when it comes to helping people deal with their psycho ex-wives or psycho ex-husbands or whatever status your “psycho ex” holds (girlfriend, boyfriend, unknown stalker, etc.) Our psycho ex-wife forums have registrants with psycho ex-husbands, too. We will not apologize for the reality that the term “psycho ex-wife” is one of the highest search engine phrases on the internet. It is due to research on that front that the name of this website came to be. Deal with it.
- This website is about being a hub of information sharing, meaningful articles and content, and continuing to evolve as a support group for so many people, almost all of whom open their emails to us with the phrase, “Oh, my GOD! We thought we were the only people in the world going through this kind of hell with our psycho ex!” You are not alone. Not by a long-shot.
- In case it wasn’t clear in any of the previous passages. We’re here to help others as well as ourselves. If we also find ways to dig deep to find some dark or light humor and entertain - all the better. The bottom line is - we want to help. We do this to help. Helping others going through this type of madness is our primary objective.
What this website isn’t…
- This website is not about PEW. It never has been. It never will be. Despite her self-centered belief that it is “all about her” - the sad truth for her is that it simply isn’t. Despite her protests to the contrary - it simply isn’t. The reality is, this website is about me, DW, what we experience, how we deal with those experiences, and how we might help others going through similar experiences.
As we’ve previously stated - the last thing we wanted was for PEW to ever find out about this site. The fact is it was around for 2-years before a certain search was undertaken that landed her at thepsychoexwife.com. More importantly, she would have no idea who this site was about if not for recognizing excerpts from the terroristic, vulgar-filled hate mails she regularly sends. This is how PEW discovered thepsychoexwife.com. Ironically enough, I journaled elsewhere prior to this website and resisted the urge to create this blog for several years. In several interviews, I made a point of remaining “Mister-M” out of respect to the privacy of all and the fallout which would have undoubtedly come from such a discovery (and as much said so).
This brings us to the children. How can the children be protected from this website? The fact is, the children never have to know about this website. However, they do. And do you know why the children know about this website? The children are aware of the existence of this website because PEW, in her infinite thoughtlessness (particularly when it comes to protecting the children from the madness she creates) - told them about it. That’s right, folks. PEW made the unilateral decision to tell the children about a site that details the horror of the situation that is horrible enough because they live it. I would say something like, “…that’s a decision she’ll have to live with for the rest of her life…” but that would imply that she gives a shit or understands what a terrible choice that was, all in the name of her selfishness and attempts to leverage control over whether or not this site continues to exist, and who the children will “choose” when she forces them to go to court. As I’ve said many times before, PEW will not hesitate to throw the children under the bus if it means she can go on the offensive about some nonsensical bullshit. She believes the site harms them, and she tells them about it so that they are harmed and she has something to bitch about. Sick.
PEW won’t take the simplest steps to protect the children from anything, which was exemplified when S1 discovered internet porn. Despite my recommendations which included the easiest fixes such as… password protect the computer so that they cannot login when she is not available… block certain sites via the browser tools so that the sites seemingly don’t exist… actually supervising the kids on the PC… and invest in child safety protective software of which there are many good ones available… she’s done NONE of them. Worse - she actually goes out of her way to tell them about it.
Even today, she still has taken no steps to ensure that the children are protected from “objectionable websites” - of which thepsychoexwife.com must certainly be one. Worse, her failure to take the minimum steps necessary combined with the fact that she tells them (with her spin, no doubt) about certain content - is all about PEW. The fact that she can’t stop herself from stalking the site (and probably when the boys are in proximity) means that the only person exposing the children to such “horror” - is PEW. She’s not that stupid. She does this with a purpose. Somewhere in that twisted brain of hers, she believes that the children will be convinced that my documentation of our experiences is more of a terrible “crime” than the fact that she actually puts us through everything that has been documented. That’s logical only from a PEW standpoint. Writing about her behaviors is unconscionable. Her actual behaviors… well… nevermind all that. Only in the mind of a PEW.
PEW is threatened by the existence of this site because, up until now, these actions have been private - only known to her and those she’s dragged into the mess. That private persona being exposed is a PEW’s worst nightmare.
Worse, she knows that tens-of-thousands of people are reading the reality of our situation and know what she has done, what she does, and what she will continue to do… and she can’t stop it. Again, out of respect to everyone’s privacy, this is all done under the cloak of anonymity. That doesn’t stop the intense fear of exposure that she has. Up until now, her actions have been hidden, even from her own family, behind her stories. They’ve been hidden (for the most part) from the court and due to the legal maneuvering of attorneys and judges who simply have neither the time nor the inclination to get a grasp of the tidal-wave of madness that PEW heaps upon us (this includes the children). She reads this site and cruises the forums every single day wondering what real account of a past situation will show up that will be counter to whatever fiction she has chosen to tell friends, family, anyone who has listened. I’m not sure who she has told about this website, but I have to imagine it’s a very few. I can tell you that she did tell people in my own family who weren’t aware of the existence of this site, which is also counter-intuitive. In her shoes, I wouldn’t be telling anyone. I most especially wouldn’t be telling my ex-husband’s family, and high atop the list of people I wouldn’t tell about it - the children. Unfortunately, she can’t control herself, but that’s not news, either. If she could control herself, there would be no content on this site. It’s simply another way to for her to show the world how little regard she has for their well-being… but make no mistake… she’s crazy like a fox. Why did she tell the children? Without a doubt, I believe she told the children to leverage their knowledge of the site as a means to get it to go away. Using the kids as pawns. Throwing them under the bus.
The fact that she cannot grasp how perpetrating these events on everyone is what is truly damaging to all is just another characteristic of how out of touch with reality she really is.
June 9th, 2010 at 7:43 am
I rarely comment here, but I had to say this…
I pray that having the children read this site does not harm your relationship with them. In the past, I have said some negative things about our own PEW in front of my stepchildren, to which I received a very harsh response. The children immediately jumped to her defense, even after 10 long years of neglect as PEW hopped from one boyfriend (and bed) to the next. They still love their Momma despite all her faults, and anyone who attacks her becomes instantly hated.
As much as you blame PEW for this situation (and I don’t doubt that the evil wench told the kids), the content of this site is still yours. You have to bear some responsibility for their young eyes reading it too. It is a great site and has been helpful to me and many others, but think about this. Is helping thousands of strangers worth screwing up your relationship with your own kids? Regardless of PEW’s stupid and irrational behavior, I’d say it’s pretty selfish of you if you don’t consider your kids’ feelings first.
June 9th, 2010 at 8:48 am
Stepmom - If you have experience dealing with a BPD you should know that there is nothing we can do to stop PEW from harming her children. The existence of this site didn’t start her destructive behavior, and taking it down won’t stop it, that is the crux of the situation.
Further, taking it down only serves to hide PEWs actions over the last 15 years, which means she has no reason to stop and change her behavior. No BPD wants the public to know how they act in private, that is why they abuse the ones they love, so they are scared to tell anyone, that is why they place the blame for their actions on the ones they love, so they are scared to tell anyone, that is why they are so successful in destroying themselves and their families, because everyone is scared. We are not scared. She has been harming her children for 12 years now, we will not hide her behavior. That only serves to give her more power to harm them.
June 9th, 2010 at 9:01 am
We’ll discuss more on these very issues really soon. But I’ll leave other readers with this thought before the comments fill up - it becomes the classic chicken/egg dilemma…. we all bear responsibility for what the children go through, but the content of this site doesn’t, by its mere existence, hurt the children nor does it hurt my relationship with them.
I made sure that this site was undiscoverable, certainly by the children. There is only one reason that they are aware of this site’s existence… PEW told them about it. She did so in an effort to leverage their knowledge of the site to persuade the court to force me to shut it down under penalty of losing custody of the children. Selfish. Diabolical. Damaging to the children. The only person she is trying to protect is PEW and no one else.
Am I responsible for putting these children through the hell that’s documented here?
Am I responsible for directing the children to the site?
The only people who have “control” over young eyes reading this site or any site are kids’ parents. The same goes for my own children. I can’t control what PEW allows the children to do. I don’t control what PEW allows the children to hear. I don’t control what PEW chooses to share with the children.
If PEW believes that this website is damaging to the children, why then did she choose to tell them about it? Who, in their right mind, does that? This site isn’t even damaging to PEW if you’re paying attention.
All I can do is what I’ve always done - manage the aftermath of whatever insane choices she’s decided to make. You may find this hard to believe, but I know the children love their mother. Despite what you read here, I encourage their relationship at every turn. In fact, having the ability to journal has been a tremendous help in allowing that to occur. I am responsible for allowing PEW into my life and for all that has happened since that day, so in some weird way, I’m responsible for all of it. I accepted that reality a long time ago.
The reality is also that the children are better protected by the existence of this site. While she obviously hasn’t stopped her antics as a result of discovering it, there is hope that by sharing our knowledge and experiences based upon real life events, she may actually have to think twice about the type of terror she chooses to inflict upon them. She is not going to get away with what she does forever.
June 9th, 2010 at 9:03 am
I have to agree with Stepmom. I think it is time to put the site down for a couple reasons. I need to say that I could never, ever deny the assistance you provide to thousands (myself included!) through this site. However, now that the kids know about it and possibly have access to it, your responsibilty lies squarely with them, and nothing else.
Unfortunately, she may indeed be telling the kids about the site as a purported effort to get you to shut it down. That is unfortunate, and NO ONE short of the PEW herself would ever downplay the ridiculousness of her actions or the sweepingly overwhelming effect they must have on your sons, you, DW, and DW’s kids. She is a moron of the highest order, and one who leaves a trail of destruction in her wake.
However….regardless of the insane choice she made to tell your kids, and how inherently wrong that is… they now know. And knowledge is not always timely or appropriate. I think it would be a testament to your devotion to them if you said, “the two of you boys are more important to me than any website, no matter how pertinent or theraputic it may be to us and everyone who visits. While I feel my actions are not wrong in any way, and I will expound on this as you get older, I know it is best not to have you see this played out yet again on the internet, typed by my hand.”
Bad things happen, and PEW showing the site was a bad thing. You are yet again the victim, and it was totally her fault, no doubt about that. However, none of that matters if you continue to spew what the boys my register as more hate (even though it is in truth and rarely hate.)
Obviously, your call. I will not stop visiting if you keep it up, but I may feel a little uncomfortable constantly thinking about what the boys may be seeing, how they are perceiving this….
If life was only easy! How many times have you asked yourself that?!
June 9th, 2010 at 9:34 am
All I hear in your responses is blame, blame, blame. It’s not my fault. It’s PEW’s…yadda yadda. Is no one going to at least TALK to the kids and see how they feel about this? Stop being so self righteous and hell bent on exposing PEW’s sins. Turn the mirror around, take a good look at yourselves and see who you are really hurting.
June 9th, 2010 at 9:36 am
I’ve thought of this because I’m very careful on my own blog. I’m not searchable, I don’t post pictures or real names. This site, I believe, has helped much more than it’s harmed. Please don’t ever take it down.
June 9th, 2010 at 9:45 am
I was worried when I read the title. This site has helped me more than I can say. Divorce hurts kids. That is a fact and there is nothing we can do to change that. Fighting in an intact family hurts kids too. Being forced to talk to a judge hurts kids, especially if they are being asked to pick one parent over another. Kids naturally love both parents, regardless of whether the parent is good or bad.
Mister-M kids - If you are reading this, then know that your dad loves you very much. None of the contents of this site are meant to hurt you or to hurt your mother. Many people that read this site are very sorry that you have been dragged here to read this. My own kids are about the same age as you, and having my kids read about my issues with their dad would be very hard. Parents get divorced for reasons, and sometimes those reasons don’t go away after the divorce. Just like kids, some adults just never get along. It doesn’t make one right or one wrong, just different.
PEW - If you are reading this, you need to take a hard look at your actions and see if you are doing what is best for your kids or if you are acting out of anger for your life being posted for anyone to read. Whether any of the “facts” are true or not doesn’t matter. This isn’t a court and nothing written here is going to change what the court sees as best for the kids. If my ex wrote about our situation, I am sure I would not agree with 90% of his view. I sure as heck would not let the kids read any of it, nor would I subject them to my view of events. Try and do what is best for them and stop worrying about what your ex thinks of you. I know my ex hates me and is probably telling lots of people stories about me. I still live my life and don’t involve my kids. Period.
June 9th, 2010 at 9:47 am
Stepmom - what part of “I’m responsible for everything” wasn’t clear? Troll.
The kids have had some questions and the matter has been dealt with.
June 9th, 2010 at 9:57 am
Ok, I agreed with Stepmom’s first comment but not the second!
I dont think Mr M and DW are engaging in blame, blame, blame. I think, if anything, it is the sheer frustration they are experiencing that must accompany yet ANOTHER ridiculous action on PEW’s part that is super damaging to the children.
My only worry is for the kids. Having to live through this mess once…. and then be re-victimized by re-reading it again, that is not sound parenting to let that happen. Of course we know who instigated it, and we know Mr M and DW’s attempts to maintain anonymity. But, the problem still remains that the kids know and may even be coerced into reading it by PEW, wouldn’t put anything past her…
I wish you could block the kids, or have a login maybe that could prevent them from getting on? Just thinking…
June 9th, 2010 at 10:07 am
I believe the point that DW and Mr. M are trying to make is that S1 and S2 are going to walk away damanged by PEW because of who she is and the fact that she can’t/won’t change. If they took the site down, it would do zero to change this fact.
I did not see Mr. M mention anywhere that the children are hurt or upset by the discovery of this site (by PEW’s hand, not his), or that they’re feeling bad about it and/or discussing it with him. I could be wrong, but my guess is if it was a huge point of contention and his only choice was to get rid of the site or sacrifice the good relationships he shares with his sons, the choice would be obvious.
However, and again I’m assuming, as these boys grow older the website is probably just one more snippet in the campaign of Mom hates Dad and blames all things wrong in her life on him. Yet another thing Mom can bitch to them about, or try to use as a reason that Dad doesn’t love them like she-who-does-no-wrong and is always the victim does.
My feeling about it is if PEW wants the website to no longer exist, then she should stop acting in ways that perpetuate this site’s existence. However, that’s impossible, because of the fundamental underlying truth - PEWs will never acknowledge they are responsible for anything they have done to contribute to the insanity, when in reality they are almost solely the cause.
I get what people are saying: Mr. M and DW made the site, therefore they should take their responsibility for its repercussions. But I also get that the children would know absolutely nothing about such a site unless Mom didn’t use it in her constant attempts to point out what a rotten father they have. The website exists because of her actions, and the website is now known by the children because of her actions. Should the non parent once again fold to avoid the wrath of the crazy? I think not.
She doesn’t like it? Too freaking bad. Nothing but truth is written here, and if changing her actions is not an option for her then she can’t say a damn thing.
June 9th, 2010 at 11:07 am
There is nothing on this earth that will stop a “disgruntled former spouse” from attempting to interfere with normal, logical parenting. It matters not if the disgruntled former spouse is the proud owner of a personality disorder, addiction or vast sums of money.
If a person objects to the name of the site, then perhaps we should break it down to the reason why. “Ex” is a given. “Wife”, also a term that is non-specific. “Psycho”, an adjective that may or may not be relevant to a person, but often refers to a pattern of behavior.
The information on this site is useful if one has a “psycho ex anything”, amusing if one believes it to be fiction, and very real for most of the folks who have lived with this and survived.
If the content is offensive to you, perhaps you are the problem. Counseling may help, if you seek it now.
June 9th, 2010 at 11:19 am
Just a thought - do you have the ability to block PEW’s IP address from being able to view the website? I know I can block IP address’s from being able to view my blog. Just a thought.
June 9th, 2010 at 11:25 am
I have been a regular reader for a while. I have to disagree with stepmom. I am a stepmom with the exact same issues with my husbands Pew. Taking the site down will only make PEW more powerful in her mind. They thrive on power. Children of situations like this are different than Cleaver kids. They see. They hear. They constantly yearn for answers. Especially with PEWS.Pews get their stories wrong they forget what lie they told who. Kids see this and wonder what the heck is this? That’s what is wrong with the world today. Parents spend too much time trying to protect kids from everything. They grow up to be clueless pansies. Don’t take the site down. If anything PEW has only opened up the possibility that the boys will see her more clearly and come to you with questions about her behaviors.It would be no different than the boys finding her diary and reading it.
June 9th, 2010 at 11:37 am
What I saw in this site from the first time I visited was bitterness. I’m sure that the kids see the same thing. It’s a shame that your need to bash their mom is more important to you than wanting to protect your children from yet more damage. No matter what your feelings for your ex- she is their mother. In all my years of foster care, what I have seen is even in abusive situations - the kids stand up for their parents. They get really offended when anyone talks badly about the parent. For whatever reason, kids feel the need to protect their parents. This is especially true for young men and their moms.
It’s a shame that you can’t put your children before your own need to bash your ex. After years of sitting in court rooms for the court system, I think that if your ex has enough sense to print this out- this will bite you in the tail hard. Bashing your ex on here knowing that your children read it- you’re committing PAS. Time for you to get off your high horse and take a good hard look in the mirror. You instigate and accelerate just as much as your ex does no matter how you try to package it.
June 9th, 2010 at 11:45 am
In “real” life I am an intelligence officer. Both in real life and in PEW-life you DO NOT negotiate with terrorists. Giving a terrorist what they want does not make them go away- it gives them power and causes them to escalate- they think “if I got this then I can get that”- it never stops. You try to mitigate the collateral damage the best you can, but never give in to their demands.
I’m thinking “Stepmom” is just a shorter name for LTSM who left with such dramatic flair (good riddance.) Too bad she’s not original enough to come up with a new moniker.
Mister-M, it’s a shame your PEW is so incredibly stupid- but I don’t think ANY of us is surprised. I’m confident you and DW will do a superb job of helping the kids with this unfortunate circumstance.
Your website has sped up the process of dealing more effectively with our PEW exponentially- we will be forever grateful. You’d be totally justified if you shut it down, but we all know that’s not the real issue.
Good luck and thanks again for sharing.
SAQ
June 9th, 2010 at 11:56 am
Mister-M and DW posted the content under complete anonymity. PEW would not have recognized her own psycho-ness if the blog itself detailed only fictitious events and emails. By discovering the site and doing all she’s done so far, PEW has pretty much just confirmed the truth of the blog. Sucks for her.
I am in agreement that she will hurt the boys any way she can in an attempt to get back at Mister-M. If this site is gone, she will find another way. Right now this is just another excuse for her to play the alleged victim.
June 9th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
I have just started reading your page recently… and this is my first comment.
I think it is a crappy situation all around, and almost damned if you do, or damned if you don’t.
But besides that, Mister M, I think it is ridiculous that you must resort to calling people names. If you truly do feel that you are doing the right thing by keeping the site up, then defend your position. Don’t sink down to the level of a second grader and start calling people names just because you don’t like what they say. People who can no longer come up with intelligent conversation/points sink to these levels.
Did it ever occur to you that Stepmom has been through a simillar situation and has had to deal with the trauma that was caused? After all, you never came out and said that you even talked to the kids about what they had been exposed to.
Additionally you said “what part of “I’m responsible for everything” wasn’t clear?” I would say the part where you repeatedly say you can’t control x,y and z, and all you can do is “…manage the after math…”
Don’t get me wrong, I agree that PEW should not have shown the kids the site, it just goes to prove how crazy she really is. But in the end, if your words are hurting your kids, then you need to stop.
If you have talked to them, and they understand the purpose of the site and are ok with it, then go ahead and keep it up.
But again, last time I checked no one was on here calling you names, so please try to act like a grown man, and do the same.
June 9th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
If anyone honestly thinks this site should be taken down…take another look. This isn’t about Mister-M exposing his PEW. It’s about talking with other people about the same situation, and possibly learning how to overcome the events that happen. I take complete responsibility over what my child, and my step-child see on the internet. They probably wouldn’t agree with some of the things that have gone on between parents. It is obvious that the only reason PEW would ever have to let the children know about this is her own selfish desire to try to “win them over”.
There is plenty of evidence here…and in many other people’s cases with PEW’s that THEY WILL ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING! I agree, if it’s not this, it will always be something else. If you think this site will hurt the children, imagine how they will feel when the realize a few years from now that it was all true! That their Mom wasn’t the angel they thought she was.
The fact is, they won’t learn that from this site. Their opinion won’t change solely from reading this site. It will happen over time, on their time…you can’t hide crazy!
P.S. Because of this site, I no longer have to go to therapy for the damage the PEW has done to my new family.
June 9th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Mister-M, DW,
I don’t have a PE in my life. I subscribe to your website because my brother has a PEW and in order to better understand the issues he has been going through with his own PEW, I did a search on BPD, and your site popped up.
I have been amazed at how very similar my brother’s situation is to yours. Having him arrested for fabricated events. Having DSS investigate him for unfounded claims of child abuse and when that didn’t work having him investigated for sexual abuse of his 2 girls, putting the girls through an gargantuan amount of stress in not only talking to their law guardian, the judge, and the social workers. Each time his PEW did what she did to destroy him, she coached the children in how to answer questions that they may have been asked. Luckily their law guardian, the judge and their social worker as well as the school know that PEW is crackers. Her condition has been documented by not only marriage counselors who told her that it was her who was the abuser of the family, to therapist’s who she has dumped when they tell her she has BPD and they make her feel bad about herself. Instead of getting the help she needs, she walks away from those who are trying to help her.
She told my brother in April of 2004 that she wanted a divorce, and they still are not divorced. She is so diabolical that she started to lay her torture plans soon after their D2 was born in late 1999 by going to a women’s domestic abuse group and fabricated tales of abuse that she was going through. The irony of these tales is she would take a situation that had happened, and then twist the event to make my brother look like a horrible person. Example of one event is the time she was in one of her “moods” and was screaming (in front of the children no less) that she wanted to die and that she was going to commit suicide. My brother tried in vain to calm her down, worried that she may do the deed in front of the girls. She proceeded to beg my brother to kill her, put her out of her misery. My brother picked her up and asked her which window she wanted to be thrown from, he then put her down on the bed and told her there was no way he could do that to her, that he loved her. I’m sure that some would think what he did was horrible, but he truly was trying to diffuse the situation with humor. It broke the mood and she started to calm down. But the story became something entirely different when relayed to the domestic violence center, the marriage counselor and even social services. Here’s the kicker to the story…my SIL is a black belt in Taekwondo and when the marriage counselor asked her why she didn’t defend herself against my brother trying to kill her, she was so pissed at the counselor that she tried to have her license taken away from her by bringing ethical charges against her for dismissing her claims of abuse.
I’ve read an enormous amount of information regarding BPD; books, articles, online information; and I’ve often said to others that if this were not happening to my family it would be a fascinating disease to study. My SIL is text-book in her symptoms and her actions.
All this to say, I do believe that your blog has provided a service to people who are in the same or like situation. As far as your children are concerned, I myself have not read your entire blog even though I have been following your blog ever since 2007. That being said, I don’t believe your children have read everything, they don’t have the mature attention spans to do so. And children are innocent enough not to hold their feelings in, they will question you on your actions, especially when being hounded by the PEW. My brother’s girls always bring tidbits of information about what their mother has said to them about their father. The problem for their mother is, they know that their father’s home is the stable home, and they don’t want to lose him like they did for 3 months in 2008 after mommy decided to have daddy arrested for assault even though it wasn’t true. BTW, those charges were dropped, and she was so pissed that she started screaming in court at both the DA and the judge. She was so irrational she proved my brother’s point that the woman is nuts.
Please do not shut down the site. For many of us, even myself, who has no skin in the nutcase game, we have learned so much about this disease, and it is comforting in a weird way to know that others understand the bizarre world they live in.
June 9th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Dismayed yet unsurprised to learn that PEW chose to expose children to adult-only Internet content. Very glad the site will not be taken down.
Someday Mister-M’s boys will need to protect themselves from their Psycho Mom. This site will be a valuable resource for them to learn how to do that. In the end, this Web log will likely allow the boys to have a better relationship with their mother because they will learn about her specific form of BPD and techniques to deal with her manipulations and craziness.
June 9th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
She told the kids because she had to have some kind of angle in court. What is wrilten here about her is the truth so she can’t claim slander or defamation of character, so she involves the kids to create a ‘Woe is me. Look at how he’s hurting my children’ case. NEWSFLASH PEW! YOU told them about it! Would they have known or been hurt by it if you hadn’t? NO! Take it down or not, the damage(by pew) is already done. Mister-M and DW are helping others and I applaud that. It’s unfortunate PEW told them because she not only hurt the kids but also all the people Mister-M and DW have helped or may help in the future if the site comes down.
June 9th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
The children do not read the blog nor have they any desire to. They are “aware” of its existence having been told about it by the PEW.
The children are smart enough to keep themselves out of the middle whenever possible. Unfortunately, they cannot silence their mother who, obviously, tells them things in the ways only a person hell-bent on destruction does.
SIM - I referred to StepMom as a “troll” due to her response, which clearly ignored what was written about responsibility and blame in order to call me out. “Troll” is an internet term given to people whose sole purpose is to argue points that don’t exist and derail the conversation from the topic at hand.
Further, a blog about the experiences we’ve all endured, including the children, will not hurt them anymore than having gone through the actual experiences as caused by PEW herself. Apparently, some people still manage to lose sight of that reality.
June 9th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
This site is not what hurts the kids; the acts that this site discusses are what hurts the kids. And those acts are going to continue indefinitely, whether this site exists or not. Their mother is perpetuating a campaign of psychological warfare, against Mister-M, DW and the children, and will do so whether there is a website detailing that campaign or not. The children already knew about every single event on this site, because they lived it. They may not have known every detail, all the back and forth, the exact wording of every email, but they know the end results, because they were there. They saw the results of every single act that has been discussed here. The custody battles, the court dates, the moving, the job loss, the divorce - how can anyone be so overly simplistic as to state that after everything those children have been through, reading about it all here is going to permanently warp their little minds? The ACTS are the hurtful, damaging part. The things that have been done; and the kids already knew about all of those. This website is NOT the problem.
It is not a good thing that they know about this site; but who did that? Mom. It is not a good thing that the mistakes of BOTH parents have been shown to the children; but who did that? Mom. Removing the site will fix neither of these mistakes. It’s done. And if that woman wants to make sure that her kids never see another of her questionable actions, there is a very simple way for her to control that - just stop. If she stops the BS, she gets her wish, because there will be no more thepsychoexwife.com. Contrary to her own thoughts, this is all very much in her control. All she has to do to make this site go away is never provide any material for it. Ta-da! Problem solved.
As for damaging Mister-M’s relationship with his children, I very much disagree. He did not run up to them one day and say “Hey kids, I have this website where I say really crappy things about your mom. Go read it!” He made himself a place where he could vent, get help and support, and provide help and support for others in similar situations. He deliberately shielded his children from this site, and because he had a place to do all of those things, he probably slipped up in front of the kids a lot less than many of us have. This site has probably allowed him to calm down, be rational and think things through before seeing or speaking to his children. It has allowed him to always do what is best for his kids while shielding them from the crazy as much as he possibly could. And what happened? Their MOTHER, in an attempt to screw him over, deliberately exposed her children to material that she considers damaging. And why did she do that? To make him look bad. To make herself, yet again, the victim. And you know what? It’s going to backfire on her. The kids will figure it out. And yeah, some day they may say to Mister-M “Hey dad, why did you say all that really bad stuff about mom on your website?” if they haven’t already done so. But deep down in places we don’t like to think about, they already know. BECAUSE THEY WERE THERE.
One more thought, although I know this is long: children are people. They are not delicate flowers who must be shielded from the big, bad world indefinitely. And children see all the same crap that we do, and sometimes more. If you think these kids didn’t already know about all of this on one level or another, and you think YOUR kids are in blissful ignorance of your mistakes and weaknesses, you are the one who is ignorant. The older children are when they figure out that their parents are fallible human beings, the harder it is for them to recover. You just never know; this may end up being a blessing in disguise.
June 9th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Just a thought…if I joined a “live” support group and discussed my experiences with the group and by chance someone that knew pew was in the group. Let’s say this person goes to pew and tells pew the stuff I was saying, would the group be forced to disban and stop helping other people? For me the issue is not whether Mr. M and DW are right or telling the truth about PEW. I honestly do not really give a rats ass who is right or wrong (sorry guys) this site (along with suggested books from this site, and the right questions to ask the right people, how and when to document and the list could go on and on) has literally helped me learn how to deal with sd, df, pew and saved my sanity. If this is all made up of lies than I personally don’t care… because the shit that I have gone through for the last 3 years is real to me and my family. If pew has a fucking issue with this site and all the stuff said about her she can start her own site and spew all the shit she wants about Mr. M and DW and show the kids that site. It would be in her right and power to do so. Give me a break and either learn from the site, use it to help in your own situations or get out. So I don’t come here because I am so sure that Mr. Mr and DW are not telling their story from thier own perspective and they don’t have their own faults and play their own part in making the situations better or worse. I come here because I know that these people are human like I am and my DF. I know that they are willing to put themselves in a postion where they have to say this is how I did it and guess what it doesn’t work, they admit where they went wrong and how they want to fix it and try to help others not make the same mistakes! Guess what it is working for alot of people. If I wanted help or needed advice from my pew’s perspective I would be reading somewhere else. Because last I checked everyone has the right to create there own site and speak their own truth.
Sorry for beig alittle vulgar…I am alittle fed up with the simple being made complicated by stupid shit. It is so simple even a child could figure it out and guess what they will.
Millie
June 9th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
ItsTooBitter - Would it be better if we just sent PEW ranting, raving, lunatic emails where we call her a bitch, cunt, lesbian, failure of a mother? Would it be better if we told the children what a lousy person she was, that she’s just a fat piece of shit, lazy, and ugly? Because those are the things PEW does to us and her children. Instead of trying to intentionally hurt her, and make her children dislike her (make no mistake about it, we COULD do those things) we don’t respond to her AT ALL, and instead write about it here, we don’t discuss her negatively to her children EVER.
Yea, I’m pretty sure if we were bitter about the situation, that is exactly what we would do. But we don’t. Why? Because we choose to handle it in a healthy manner. We ignore her craziness. We document her actions, emails, phone calls, lies she tells the kids. We continue to encourage the children to love their mother and respect her, even when we disagree with everything she does. We protect the children in every way we can be not discussing ongoing legal actions, not telling them they will have to choose which parent they want to live with, making sure they speak with their mother on our weeks, and talking about the fun things Mom does with them. When we become bitter, you’ll know about it, because we’ll expose PEW and her entire family in a manner no one will forget. But since we are sane, that probably won’t happen in this lifetime, that would harm the kids.
June 9th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Ditto to Jenna!
This site is what helped me realize I was not alone. The advice and information I have gotten from here has not only helped me and my soon to be DH, but it has helped his children.
If we had not found this site, we would’ve been still caught in the cycle of crazy. We would have still been allowing PEW to engage us, hyping up the crazy, and having all sorts of conflict going on right in front of the kids. Low Contact and support from this site has caused us to step back and always think about the kids before we act.
If Mr. M’s PEW wants to rant and rave and try to brainwash the kids that this site is some horrible abusive thing, than let her. Like others have said, the kids have already been hurt. By PEW. She won’t stop. If the kids aren’t being affected by reading the site volunarily, than it’s all on PEW if they know anything that’s on it.
June 9th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
Mr. M–
Having dealt with a PEW of our own for the last 3 years, your site has been an incredible resource. Your insight on concepts like low-contact communication and parallel parenting have been invaluable to us as we try to navigate our way through this hell.
That being said, I am a little concerned with posts like this one. It’s starting to feel like this is a new form for you to communicate with your PEW. Since you can’t address her BS directly without given, it seems like you’re venting here, and that seems dangerous. You’re giving her the drama and the conflict she wants by fanning the flames in this forum. Be cautious…this seems like a slippery slope to be posting things like this while you’re in the middle of litigation about this very issue.
June 9th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
That would be “…address her BS directly without giving in to her madness…” Forgot to finish my thought.
And I do wish you and DW the best. I know how incredibly hard this all is and I hope that you don’t get caught in the same traps that so many of us do when we can’t see the forest for the trees.
June 9th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
moojoose… unfortunately, with the visits, there is nothing that I could post that doesn’t contain that form of risk of appearing to be communicating “with her.”
This situation is just another one which we’re faced with and serves a need for all who come here to read. A LOT of readers of this site have blogs of their own that speak to their own experiences. Their ability to maintain their forums may be challenged as well and that’s something that needs to be discussed, too.
June 9th, 2010 at 3:47 pm
I struggle with it myself. If you go to my blog, you’ll see that as we get deeper into things, the less I post. It’s almost like you can’t say anything for fear of being discovered, feeding the drama llama, whatever. Whenever I have to post something, I write it, I read it, I read it again, and I let it sit for about a week to make sure I really want to vent it.
There’s a lot here that’s valid and so very helpful, so of course I don’t want to lose that. I just hope that you submit everything you post to your own level of scrutiny: How much is to help others and how much is because I know she’ll read it?
June 9th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Don’t scare me like that. This is my go-to Website for maintaining my sanity while being enmeshed with a PEW. It’s helped me immeasurably, as it no doubt does for the thousands of people who are desperate for answers as they deal with the lunacy of a PEW.
PEW.com is clearly not about the character assassination of a specific individual. LM has done an admirable job at maintaining anonymity. When dealing with a PEW, truth is certainly stranger than fiction. Thankfully LM has had the courage to print actual transcripts from his unfortunate experiences–even when he admittedly hasn’t exactly said or done the best thing at the time. The brutal honesty jumps off all of the countless pages that make up this site. That’s why so many of us comment how similar, practically identical the events detailed here are to our own lives. Obviously the only way THE PEW knows she’s the “Typhoid Mary” is that she’s read the transcripts and recalls that LM said all those things (because we know she’s conveniently forgotten all her insane comments and behaviors.)
PEW.com is also clearly not about women bashing. How many DW’s comment sympathetically in this forum? God bless all you DW’s who stand by their LM’s! How many men who have finally left a PEW are scared to get involved again, assuming “all women are nuts” or just decide to “enjoy being single”? It was this site that encouraged me to find a DW of my own. Now, I cannot imagine life without her, and neither could my children; I pray that she maintains the fortitude to stay with me in spite of my own PEW’s incessant efforts to run her out of town.
A fictional or gender-neutral site would have far less impact than this one. It’s important to note that a PEW is a completely different dynamic than a psycho ex husband. PEW’s are mothers too. Mothers generally receive majority custody and–even the crazy ones–enjoy a strong emotional bonds with their children. This generally gives them vastly more power over the minds of the children than dear old dad. If she’s nuts, she can and will wreak havoc with those poor kids. However when the ex-husband is wacky, he’ll often just cut himself out of the picture. Many won’t pay child support–winding up in jail or on the lam several states away. Many won’t pick up the children for custody, quickly losing the respect of their children and the courts. Meanwhile whenever PEW doesn’t follow the custody order and DW spends hundreds to file yet another contempt of custody, the most a judge or master will do is give a slap on the wrist, verbally admonishing her to follow the order. And since there were no real circumstances, the terroristic PEW feels justified and empowered to be even more brazen with unilaterally determining custody. The bottom line is no judge would ever throw a mom in jail for ignoring the custody order, but dads darn well better pay their support orders in full, or else end up in prison. PEW’s seem to enjoy a diplomatic immunity to wreak havoc, and thus a specific Website that helps the rest of us deal with them is crucial.
PEW.com simply could not have a better name–there’s just no better words to describe our plight. I clearly remember the day I found PEW.com…one particularly harrowing day I literally Googled “psycho ex-wife” and of course this site came up. I learned about BPD, No/Low Contact, and perhaps most importantly that I’m not alone and that I’m not the crazy one! (After years of responding logically to a PEW’s mania, you start to wonder.) The day I found this site was a turning point in my life. Thank you for everything you’ve accomplished by courageously sharing your experiences LM!
June 9th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
I’ve been a regular reader of this blog for the past several months, but I’ve never commented. However, this time it’s a bit too hard to resist.
I think taking down the site at this point would do more harm than good. Not only would you give PEW the satisfaction of having power, you would also be allowing her and the children to interpret the action as admittance of guilt. Dad was doing something bad to Mom, and had to stop it when he got caught. While the children are indeed too young to know the goings-on between their parents, they don’t deserve to both hear lies and then have them appear to be substantiated.
My husband and I have dealt with his PEW for a few years now, and have experienced similar scenarios to those depicted in this blog. The difference is that his S1 is an adult. While my husband has never brought S1 into the drama, the PEW insists on finding as many people as possible to join her in the hate campaign. Most of her attacks have surrounded S1; bitter emails insinuating that he hates us, public postings about how horrible my husband is (on the very social networking websites that S1 is registered on, mind you), demands for more alimony because adult S1 was living with her and then charging him rent while pocketing the money, etc. Thankfully, being an adult, S1 has seemingly observed both sides and come to the realization that he can both love his mother and roll his eyes at her behavior. That being said, it’s interesting that the PEW would want the children to know about the site. I guess her actions once again will speak to her consistent inability to think about the future. The children will one day become independent adults who will read the blog’s content and form their own opinions. Out of love we are all inclined to defend our parents, but it is also part of the maturing process to realize that they are not infallible. For someone who cannot understand the consequences of their actions, however, I suppose this never comes to mind.
June 9th, 2010 at 5:10 pm
In response to the first comment and the issue of harming the children. Of course Mister-M is responsible for the content of his website, just as all people all responsible for their own actions. That being said, parents and adults have every right to express things that aren’t child-appropriate and he and DW were very appropriate to keep the site for adult eyes only. PEW made the choice to expose her kids to something not intended for their eyes and the fallout is her responsibility. It’s like taking someone’s diary and giving it to someone else to read and then blaming the diary writer for what they said in their diary! The person who exposed the diary is at fault, not the writer. This site is anonymous and if it weren’t for PEW there is no way the kids would have found out about this site. Mister-M took very good precautions to protect everyone’s privacy and PEW is the one who ruined that, not MM and DW. This site is wonderful and an immense comfort for those of us going through the same thing and dealing with a psychotic and vicious ex and fighting for fair custody. I am extremely grateful for this site and for the PEW out there, just know that thousands and thousands of people detest you and think you are the scum of the earth. Just because the biological process of pregnancy and birth happened to you does not mean that you know how to be a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself for so many reasons and you are lucky that your ex has enough class not to expose your identity. If you have a problem with this website, don’t read it and go make your own fricking website that you can have your deranged and mentally ill family and friends read.
June 9th, 2010 at 6:14 pm
The real answer to all of this, is Why should a parent like PEW have the children at all?? And if visitation is granted it would be supervised. Family Courts are not and never have been about the “Children’s Best Interests”. They are simply about everyone in the industry getting maximum billable hours by using the children as fodder. Yes, it is that simple.
June 10th, 2010 at 12:10 am
As a soon to be stepmom, thank you for this site. I don’t have a pew to deal with, but this site has still helped me. I found it when I first started being involved in my soon-to-be stepkids’ lives. I had never dated a man with kids before and really wasn’t sure what to expect or what to do. My lifetime motto has always been “prepare for the worst and expect the best.” This site has helped me do that, should the mom of the kids ever lose her mind and start forgetting what really matters between our two households. It’s also helped me when dealing with my boss, who I swear to god has BPD. Seriously, it was like working for a pew. Sometimes even her emails and mind trips sounded the same. lol
It’s sad that pew told the kids about the site, but taking it down won’t change anything. You’ll validate her claims and give her ammo to use against you. She’d just say you took it down because it was all lies and she called you out on it and threatened to take you to court, or some bs. I’ll second the other poster who said “do not negotiate with terrorists.”
As for the people who have come on here saying you need to think of the kids and take it down, knock it off! Besides rehashing what the kids already went through and know, what harm is this going to create? They already know mom hates dad and his new wife. They already get put in the middle. I’m sure they have figured out these two houses aren’t going to go have a picnic together, kids do have minds and can put two and two together. What specifically on here is damaging to them? Keeping in mind that DW and Mister M encourage them to have a relationship with their mom, what on here will over ride DW and Mister-M’s actions in real life and hurt them?
This site is not creating PAS. Pew has already started doing that, so the PAS is already there, against their father. Dad telling his side of things, and even calling out his own faults, is not telling them to not love their mom or that they will die without their dad. I would expect a little more support from the under-appreciated segment of a blended family.
Stepmom, what you call blame is actually a statement of reality. Mister M and DW can’t control what happens at pew’s house. None of us can control what happens at the other house. As a step parent, you should be aware of this.
Thank you again for the site. DW, we need more stepmom reports, lady! lol
June 10th, 2010 at 12:36 am
We have a PEW in our lives…not quite as bad and Mr.M’s, but bad enough. My Skids are 16 and 12. The are starting to come to our house now, tell us how crazy their mother is and asking questions of their dad, like, “how did you deal with mom when she acted like that”, and asking how to handle the situation. Unfortunately, DH’s response for most of their questions is that he just had to leave her to get away (which is in direct conflict to what the PEW has told them about the divorce…that DH left her and them to marry me). OSS would like to come live with us, but he wants to stay at his high school even more so he’s prepared to deal with her unless she totally loses control (there are also issues with the SF).
But YSS would like to come live with us to get away from her.
So, I guess my point is that, at least in my experience, the kids of these situations are often treated in a similar manner as the PEW treated the ex-husband and as the kids get older, they often crave for information on how to deal and for the other side of the story.
So, keep it up Mr. M and DW….it will help the kids when they get older! They will want to know.
June 10th, 2010 at 9:24 am
Keep it up - as it’s pretty simple to me….there is a difference between causation and mere existence. Basic logic. The website inherently is neutral for anyone not deriving benefit from it. It’s only dangerous if employed as yet another tool in the war against children loving both parents.
I’d hope that the courts would see, if PEW decided to go to that level, that the true danger here is the ongoing, unabated, legally encouraged campaign by PEW to alienate the children from Mister M. After all, actions speak louder than words, no? Who pointed out the site to the children and rehashed the drama - to the children?
June 10th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
I too have been a reader of this site for a long time without ever commenting, and also have found a lot of help and solace here for the PEW in our lives, and my own PEH (who is now completely out of my sons’ lives). Do not take your site down.
If it helps at all, our children are all young adults now and as I look back on all the chaos, fear, anxiety and stress generated by what our crazy exes CLAIMED they were going to do, I can honestly report that very little of their threats, posturing or frivolous actions amounted to anything of any real import. I spent many a night worrying over our children (and sometimes still do) but having us, and you in their lives not only mitigates a lot of the hardship of having a mentally ill parent, it guarantees all will eventually be okay. Not perfect. Not easy. But they will be all right. Soldier on!
June 10th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
I would be sad if, in the end, you decide to take this site down, as coming across this blog has helped me in many ways; however, I would understand considering PEW and the children are aware of this now.
June 10th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
WOW!!! This site is really well supported!! One very important fact that we all have to get together on. Children invaribly love their parents, no matter how bad they are, even if they are abusive, alienating. That is because they are CHILDREN!!! Children have adults to take care of them, and in divorce, many adults to look after their best interests. A child’s best interest is not to allow them to be abused or alienated. A child might answer a question about the abusive parent to the afformative if asked if they want to stay with that parent or if they love that parent. The many looking after a “child’s best interest” should remove a child from that parent. And here is the reasonning: A child seems to be OK with the abuse, that is only because they are a child. When these children grow-up, mature and become young adults they will be haunted by what the PEW or other abuser did to them. This will happen a few years after emancipation, when all of the Family Law parasites are out of the picture, and home free. And with their their ill-begotten gain they HARVESTED from allowing your children to be abused. This entire industry has to start caring better for children. Alternet has a very good article on this.
June 10th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
While this website was first developed to tell LM and DW’s story it has evolved into so much more than that. I hope you are not swayed by PEWs threats to take down this sight.
I read the stories of people who seem truly helpess, they come here and find solace in the community. Many are given the tools, support and courage to carry on and do what is in the best interests of the children.
A message to PEW: Shame on you for telling your sons about this site. There is nothing remotely excusable about your actions. I am appalled that as a mother you think that it’s an acceptable thing to do.
June 10th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
Sigh.
Yes, please stop doing anything and everything that might possibly make PEW say or do harmful things because THAT’S what’s in the children’s best interest.
You being in love with DW makes PEW angry and say hurtful things to the children? Better stop doing it.
You having a website makes PEW angry and say hurtful things to the children? Better stop doing it.
Screw that. Your actions do not control her actions - allowing her to control you through the children is no way to live and only serves to allow HER decisions and actions [saying harmful things to the children] to control YOUR decisions and actions.
Yes, the children’s well-being is of the utmost importance, but what sort of healthy family do the children have with Mr M. and DW if every time PEW gets the urge, she HURTS the children because she realizes that’s a way to get Mr M to do what she wants?
Ridiculous.
June 10th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
I concur with what just about everyone (with the exception of a couple of TROLLS! on here) have said.
I came across this site one night in the midst of a frustration attack where my mind was swimming and I was on the verge of tears I felt so alone and helpless in what I was going through. I Googled “How to deal with a crazy ex-wife” and this site was the first thing that popped up. What instant relief I felt after reading just the first couple of entries!
A man with kids already wasn’t the kind of person I thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with, but it happened. A man with a psychotic, delusional, ex-wife was even moreso ouside of the picture I thought I had for myself, but it happened! By being with my guy, I’m agreeing to be with the kids…and the ex, and her boyfriend, and her parents, and her pill-popping sister, in addition to my boyfriend’s crazy family. This site has provided me heaps of comfort and a safe space to vent when I have questions, or when the situation gets to be too much.
I hope our PEW is on this site snooping around! I hope she sees all of the things that sane people, like those of us who are members to this wonderful site, say about crazies like her who claim to have the kids’ best interests at heart, but who really care about:
1) their title as “mother” or even more laughable “single mother” (in my opinion, if you’ve got a father coming around at regular intervals to help physically take care of the kids, and one who is paying you child support, then honey, you’re not a single mother, you’re just divorced)
2) the amount of money they can get out of their exes because they’re hurt that the marriage didn’t work out and they feel the need for some sort of revenge, even though they’ll never admit to the fact that their divorce was partly their own doing
3) oh yeah…the kids.
As a few other people have pointed out, everything on this site is done completely anonymously. In fact, most of the time, we all don’t even know what states we’re talking about. The fact that no specifics are ever mentions means that no defamation has taken place, and nothing posted on this site can be used by anyone against anyone.
Mister-M and DW, if your PEW was evil and manipulative enough to try and turn your kids against you for creating a forum where you can vent, then screw her. She clearly is a bad mother and doesn’t deserve to have so much contact with your kids!
June 10th, 2010 at 8:43 pm
She deserves to get some shit straight in her life so that she can live hers more peacefully and allow everyone else to live more peacefully, too. That includes the kids.
I can’t make her get help. She’s going to have to do that all on her own.
June 11th, 2010 at 3:21 am
I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family but I didn’t know it until I moved away from my family at the age of 29! My dad covered for my alcoholic mother all my life and I thought something was wrong with ME. I was a parent before I learned (from my friends’ mothers) what good mothers were capable of. Bad parental behavior cannot be swept under the rug.
The children must be treated lovingly but honestly and be permitted to continue to love their flawed parent(s). Anything else will allow distorted thinking and flawed emotional responses. As the children grow older they may need more information and support to understand their mom. And the strength to withstand the manipulation as she fights the separation process. The kids will seek the detailed knowledge in this site as they need it. Alternatively, they may never be interested. But to pretend that Mom and her family behave rationally is not appropriate.
June 11th, 2010 at 7:07 am
Mister-M, It is very unlikely that PEW can be helped. If she wanted to change it would take years of continuous, hands-on, therapy to help her. The very best that could happen for you and your childrenwould be for the Family Law people, custody study people included, would be to give yourself full placement of the children allowing PEW only supervised visitation, pending her entering and completing therapy that includes mandatory correcting thinking methods. The children will be harmed from further exposure to PEW and the after effects will only begin to really show up after the children are well out of the jurisdiction of the “caregivers” now now harvesting your children for maximum profits, billable hours. Family Law truly is human beings at their worst in regards to their treatment of our children, fellow man.
June 11th, 2010 at 11:35 am
And another thing I wanted to mention about the name of the Website…why would the children ever Google “psycho ex wife”? “Psycho mom” maybe but none of their Internet searches would likely bring them here.
Even if they happened upon this site, why would any child be interested in the content on this site? And if Mister-M’s children somehow defied the odds to not only find this site BUT also decide to read through it, how would they possibly realize that they are S1 or S2?
Only by carefully reading specific events accounted in some of the blogs and realizing that’s exactly what had happened to them. Well that damage was already done, don’t blame Mister-M for the harm.
It’s ludicrous to accuse Mister M of hurting the kids with his anonymous blog. Only by breaking the anonymity could the children be troubled.
S1 & S2 are already plenty disturbed by any and all of the events Mister M blogs for our benefit. They are all-too aware that their mom’s relationship to dad is toxic. As as long as none of their friends know it’s about them, I doubt they could care any less that dad has a blog. And someday (likely early adulthood) they will understand completely.
If the courts shut this down, it would sadly be yet another case of the courts cowtowing to a psycho ex wife. Unfortunately it would be a drop in the bucket of the sea of PFA’s, CPS supervison, and prison sentences for impossible support orders that public servants impose upon loving fathers at the behest of PEW’s every day.
June 11th, 2010 at 12:56 pm
As Giselle said, “In response to the first comment and the issue of harming the children. Of course Mister-M is responsible for the content of his website, just as all people all responsible for their own actions. ”
Well, as many are forgetting, who gives Mr. M the content that he posts? PEW and her perpetual drama. If she didn’t bring the craziness, Mr. M would have nothing to post, and this site would never have existed.
Like so many here, this site has helped me immensely. Because of Mr. M, DW, and this site, I learned about Low/No Contact and brought the craziness of my own situation with my PEW *WAY* down. I started checking out other blogs, discovered Glenn Sacks, and got involved in the MRA movement. I feel like I took a huge negative in my life and was able to turn it around and get a positive out of it. And it all started here.
Please keep this site up and running, as others may need the clarity of mind from a BPD ex that this site provides.
Thanks, Mr. M and DW.
June 11th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
I don’t think this site should be taken down. What I haven’t seen discussed above is how emotionally draining and damaging dealing with a person like PEW is. Mister M and DW need support. And, as I’ve found in dealing with our own PEW situation - friends and family can only take so much. They either think you’re crazy, exaggerating, ot they just plain get sick of hearing it. The people who can understand best are people like us, who’ve been there.
Secondly, while the boys aren’t quite there yet emotionally, they are very soon going to have to come to terms with their mom’s crazy. One of the hardest things for children in these situations is feeling like they’re the only one who sees what their parent is doing, or that they can’t/shouldn’t talk about it to anyone. Maybe one good thing about them seeing what’s on this site will be the understanding that it’s ok to talk about what’s happening to them, and that no - they’re not the one that’s crazy - other people see it too.
If I had to guess, the boys probably don’t want to read what’s on here. It probably makes them very uncomfortable, and they will probably avoid it if at all possible. The same way kids find a way to disappear when their mom and dad start fighting. If they’re privy to a lot of content it’s most likely because PEW is constantly pushing it on them - which will just make them want to be around her less.
Secondly.
June 14th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
It’s wrong that PEW told the children about this site. If it were me I would think about having people register to read the content, some sort of emial verification system. That way the case could be made that your young children wouldn’t be able to accidentally stumble upon the site and read it’s content.Just a small level of security to make sure you’re covered.
BTW thanks so much for the info and the solice. We have a PEW and a PEH the latter is most of the issue these days.
June 14th, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Long time stealth reader here — I’ve never spoken up before, but I find what your PEW has done to be particularly offensive.
So, when do you expect to see the petition to modify your parenting plan?
June 14th, 2010 at 6:14 pm
Guitarzan… a nice suggestion except that is not the point of her exercise. It’s the elimination of the site. Small security measures such as you suggest would turn away people who would otherwise choose to lurk/participate here as well as learn for their own issues and help others with theirs. It also doesn’t stop PEW or friends or family from registering and sharing the information anyway.
The entire crux of the matter, aside from the fact that she puts us (including the children and others) through such trial and tribulations is the core issue here. The existence of this site or lack thereof, will never ever change that reality.
John - I’ve already seen the petition. She wants full custody for ridiculous reasons. What happens will occur after the fourth custody evaluation in six years.
June 15th, 2010 at 9:02 am
Mister-M, point well taken. The crazy thing about the number of cusdody evaluations is that the court doesn’t take that alone as wanton custodial interference. Just because she uses the law to do it doesn’t make it OK to try to interfere with your parenting time. Her actions in court in and of themselves should more than prove her vandetta against you. The fact that she told the kids about the website should be considered BLATANT parental alienation and be more than enough proof that she creates an environment that’s detrimental to the children.
We too are being harassed by my wife’s PEH. He’s dragging us to court yet again for a support modification hearing. The reason? “I can’t pay my bills and live” He filled out the paperwork as if he is the custodial parent taking my wife to court to get her to pay her support. He’s dragging US in front of the judge while he is nearly $10k behind in support. I’m glad for this site. It gives me a place to relate to. I’m grateful for the low contact tactics you show as well.
June 15th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
The PEW in our situation has claimed that my blog is “for her” and “to her”. Her massive ego doesn’t let her see that it is largely about the kids and what they are being put through for no reason whatsoever except for her unbelievable selfishness and blood-thirsty greed.
Stop the high-and-mighty, condescending attitudes that blogs like this one are harming the children. No, they are not. The unacceptable behavior the children deal with on a daily basis harms the children. That the kids are forced to live with a parent who cares only about herself harms the children. So much energy placed into persecuting parents and stepparents who blog about their experiences, yet no energy whatsoever put into changing a massively malfuctioning system that allows children to remain in harm’s way each and every day, so long as everyone has their financial cut at the end of the day.
June 16th, 2010 at 8:49 am
Just to chime in…if it weren’t for this site, I don’t know what I’d do. This site is saving lives, relationships, and sanity.
I googled “how to deal with crazy ex” to find this site. It was the middle of the night, and when I found the forums, I about broke into tears. Sweet relief! We’re not alone!
I feel like no one in “real life” understands the toll PEW takes. I could tell a story in real life and my listener would look at me like I was crazy and make a stupid suggestion like, “Can’t you guys just hash it out?”
Here, I can tell a story, and everyone knows EXACTLY what is really going on. It’s comforting, validating, and supremely satisfying.
June 16th, 2010 at 6:00 pm
Having to deal with my own PEW, this site has been a life saver. I read through your blogs and think I could have written ever one of them. I don’t understand and never will how they are obsessed with hurting us to the point they will use the children. It is very sad.
June 18th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
I am so glad that Stepmom called you out on your ability to blame and shame, which is an emotionally abusive behavior. Although I deal with a PEW as well, I STOPPED coming to this site b/c it kept my hatred and anger for her stupidity too close to the surface and therefore helped NO ONE. I’m not saying you are right or wrong, but at least acknowledge that YOU put it out here for the kids to see, and therefore, you hold 50% of the blame. My bf has had the chops to withstand her for 22 years of torment and REFUSES to bad mouth her to the girls. Shoot, after seeing how much emotional stress it brought me, he won’t even vent to me; he has his own outlets for it. So, in the grand scheme of things, this website does as much harm as it does good, which I suppose is true of everything.
June 19th, 2010 at 7:47 pm
I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I wholeheartedly disagree with you. As I did not disclose the existence of this site to the children, I am 0% responsible for their discovery of it and the person who did tell them about it is 100% responsible for it.
I did not put it out there for the children to see. I put it out there for all of the others who feel so unbelievably isolated because no one with whom they choose to share it can believe just how horrifying the life that they lead trying to manage the abuse foisted upon them by a vindictive, malicious ex who will stop at nothing in their efforts to separate children from a willing, able, and loving parent.
June 22nd, 2010 at 4:31 pm
Mister M - sorry, when you made the choice to make this website, you accepted 50% of the responsibility of explaining those actions to your kids. End of story. Just because you don’t “believe” you are responsible doesn’t mean that you are not responsible. I have to explain this to my teenager students all the time. You could have made a website devoted to helping others with an abusive spouse WITHOUT writing down every down and dirty story you have with your ex… In fact, there are multiple websites devoted to helping others with BPD and abusive spouses that do not give specific and humiliating stories. And they help just as much, believe me. What you don’t want to admit in your heart is that you are STILL playing her game after all these years! You are trying to beat her at discreditting you instead of just sucking it up like a man. If my SO was still as obsessed as you are with his ex and he had an entire website devoted to her, I wouldn’t be able to stay with him. He doesn’t need to spend time discreditting her; he just moved on with his life and sought professional counseling… instead of stooping to publishing it on the internet. Besides, his girls like knowing they have at least ONE stable parent.. HIM. His actions, not his words or efforts to air out her dirty laundry, show this to them.
June 22nd, 2010 at 7:20 pm
TrophyGF… pick one position and stick with it. I accept responsibility for whatever transpires after it’s discovered. You started this debate by claiming that I was responsible for their finding out about it and/or its contents.
Which part would you like to discuss?
To a couple of other points:
1 - Forgive me for not subscribing to what you surmise is an appropriate way to provide support to others involved in high-conflict divorce and custody situations. I’ll determine what is appropriate for me and those who seek support and assistance here.
2 - I will reiterate, there is no attempt to discredit anyone. It’s an account of experiences by a “Mister-M” and a “DW” and how they impact our lives and the lives of others. I assure you, if my purpose here were to ever “discredit” PEW to anyone, it would be easy to do. One doesn’t work so hard to be available to all comers while at the same time doing their level best to avoid it’s discovery.
Kudos to your DH. I’m thrilled to hear the path he chose to take with regard to his personal situation. Contrary to your narrowminded contentions, there are many paths one can take to deal with matters within themselves and neither you, I, nor anyone else is the ultimate authority on what works best for any individual.
Back to your ORIGINAL point, assuming you’re willing to stick to it or admit that you spoke incorrectly - I am not responsible for the children finding out about the existence of this site. That’s PEW’s doing.
So it appears we’re at an impasse. You’ve made your points, I’ve made mine. I would suggest you move on from the offensiveness this website offers you and stop spending so much of your valuable time obsessing about a guy who is obsessing about his ex obsessively (at least in your assessment).
June 28th, 2010 at 10:17 am
In my first comment in regards to this thread was “I’m not saying you are right or wrong, but at least acknowledge that YOU put it out here for the kids to see, and therefore, you hold 50% of the blame.” The second comment I make is “when you made the choice to make this website, you accepted 50% of the responsibility of explaining those actions to your kids.”
So I don’t necessarily understand how you feel that is “different” unless that is just the first tactic you use when trying to defend yourself and the damage that you have inflicted on your kids by publicly embarrassing half of the family they will be tied to for the rest of their lives. Additionally, you have posted your children’s behaviors for the world to see as well (including your son’s weight problem)… did it ever occur to you that they didn’t necessarily want to be your “case studies” for your “observations?” Just because they’re your kids doesn’t mean they don’t have the right to privacy.
YOU put this blog out here for opinions. I would say considering I checked this blog twice in the last 3-4 months, I wouldn’t say I’m “obsessing”… after all, I haven’t built an entire blog around it. You love to sling mud at those who disagree with you; you claim I am “narrow minded” and “obsessive;” again, with the discrediting language… I’m not “obsessed” with you, rest assured. Your arrogance is overwhelming.
You can either learn from criticism or alienate those who criticize you and not grow as a result.
June 28th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Well, one thing I have learned is a lot from criticism. The fact that I don’t automatically agree with yours doesn’t mean I’m incapable, haven’t, or never learned from criticism. Most of this blog highlights mistakes I’ve made along the path and sometimes even pokes fun at myself for having done so. Let’s not pretend this blog doesn’t expose a great deal of my flaws with plenty of open acknowledgment.
I deal in facts and actual language. So when you say something like “You put this out there for the kids to see…” I can state without question that I absolutely did not put this out here for the kids to see. I did not put this out here for PEW to see. I did so understanding that there was a small risk that someday, somehow, they might discover it. That was a risk I was willing to take both to help myself through the tough times and help others through similarly tough times. Argue to the contrary all you like, the reality that this website isn’t about the PEW, “getting back at the PEW,” or anything related to the PEW is put down by the reality that it existed for years prior to its discovery. It should go without saying that if I wanted anyone to know about this site, it would have been very easy to do from the outset. That is an indisputable reality that people like you are unwilling to accept.
Here’s how the two are different:
#1 - Suggests that I was responsible for the children finding out about the website.
#2 - Suggests I am responsible for explaining its existence and purpose.
Since PEW is the one who told them about the website, she is responsible for their finding out about.
Since the children are aware of its existence due to PEW’s disclosure, I am responsible for answering their questions or explaining whatever needs to be explained when such circumstances present themselves.
On #1 - you are wrong. On #2 - you are correct.
As for the rest of your criticisms, you (among a scant few others) keep talking about these situations as if I’ve disclosed who anyone is on this website. I have not. Therefore, anyone “being exposed” for any reason is a farce.
The children are well-aware of their issues and openly acknowledge them. They are well-aware of their successes. They are well-aware of their failures. We are well-aware of our successes and failures as well.
The mere existence of this site in neither inherently hurtful nor inherently helpful to anyone. It becomes so with the presentation. Needless to say, PEW’s presentation will be hurtful. Mine will not.
In closing, I will suggest that you read your own words back to yourself. I’ve supported why I disagreed with your original assessment and also presented with alternative views of how this all shakes out. Therefore, when I say that your viewpoint is “narrow-minded” - it’s not to be deliberately insulting, but it is also factual. I’ve acknowledged your opinion, agreed with some, and disagreed with others. I’ve offered alternative viewpoints.
You clearly only accept your own as the most valid… and you are calling me arrogant and unwilling to accept criticism?
June 28th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
I don’t accept my opinion only as “most valid,” I simply accept it as “valid.” YOU claim your opinion is “the most valid” by chronically re-explaining yourself or trying to “gaslight” or twist the situation back onto me as my problem.
Don’t you get it? It’s not the EMOTION behind or what YOU think your purpose was with this website. It’s about destroying any kind of sanctity your children have in terms of her disorder. YOU violate that when you publish it. YOU are the writer. YOU assume that you have put down everything correctly, so there will be no misinterpretation, but clearly there IS interpretation when you have multiple people who believe the site unnecessarily bashes the mother of your children. They need to discover THAT version of her themselves… not YOUR version of her on the internet. Rest assured, there is a difference.
Additionally, your insistence that you “did not put it out here for the kids to see” means nothing to me. If you put it out there, you have no control over what happens to it afterward. This is a moral question that has plagued writers/publishers for centuries.
And “I did not put this out here for PEW to see. I did so understanding that there was a small risk that someday, somehow, they might discover it.” Huh, I guess you were wrong about the size of the risk involved… but wait, YOU’RE never wrong according to your version of the truth. You can say whatever you’d like, in terms of “successes and failures” but I’d like proof as to where you don’t put the majority of the blame on the PEW… and understand that she has a MENTAL DISORDER, so I guess we can throw “scapegoating” into the mix of problem behaviors you have as well.
Geez, perhaps I should start blaming all my problems on the schizo down the street, or the kid next door with Down’s Syndrome. That would be appropriate, I suppose, according to you.
Keep it up, Mr. High Conflict… spin my words on me now and give me a better comeback. All you do it illustrate my words better and better each time…
June 28th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
I’m not spinning your words any which way. I simply pointed out to you the difference between being responsible for the discovery of this website and being responsible for explaining it.
I’m not sure what makes you an authority on what my family should, could, would see on the internet or elsewhere, which again goes to your projection of the term “arrogance” - but that’s up to me to manage, regardless of what she does. But then, I imagine you’re the type of person who would blame a gun manufacturer if PEW were to hand the kids a gun and tell them to shoot themselves, right?
For you, it isn’t the actual real life events that the PEW has chosen to put everyone through that is most heinous, it’s that I’ve chosen to share the experiences and impacts it’s had on all our lives that is most heinous.
And you really expect intelligent readers to accept that explanation makes any sense whatsoever?
Do you really, truly believe that I must let a 9 year old and 11 year old go through that kind of hell and discover things “for themselves” rather than answer the significantly difficult questions that they have regarding what they’re already going through?
Is that your armchair advice? Is that my “spin” or are these quite clearly the suggestions you’re making?
My explanations remain the same… it’s your story that’s changing each time you come here with a new reply.
The fact that you can’t keep your stories straight or repeatedly proclaim things that are easily disprovable tells me and others who read here all they need to know. Also, I know how many times you’ve been here today alone, so spare me your “3 or 4 times per month” while denying that you have an obsession with what’s going on here.
Also, learn the definition of scapegoating. The things I put blame onto PEW for are entirely owned by PEW. I don’t single PEW out for things she’s not responsible for.
June 28th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Mr-M, please do not shut this site down because of that idiot. She would have won if you did that, yes like people have said it would be like admitting you’d done something wrong in the first place. This website is an oasis of sanity for many people, including myself, who need somewhere to talk about the horrors of dealing with psycho exes. Family and friends are understanding to a degree, but if I was in their place I would have a cut off point as to believing everything said about her as it does seem so crazy. So coming here, just reading your comments and the replies, helps so much. We depend on you to keep sane. Literally. Others who have a look “3 or 4 times a month” obviously arent in our position and have no right to comment in my opinion. If “thetrophyGF” really did have a PEW like yours she would feel the same. Theres nothing else to say about that.
Keep up the good work. You and DW are much appreciated by the people who do need you and support you.
June 29th, 2010 at 9:16 am
I came here each time to post a response and that’s it. If you want to make an accusation that I am “obsessed” and have been here multiple times, I will be happy to have the IT department print it out on the logs for you. In fact, feel free to email me at my email address and we can continue to discuss it. I will however warn you that if you publish ANY private details on me, I will immediately have our company attorney reading it. And that’s no joke. That accusation shows me that you are a liar who will twist things to discredit others, because that is a completely false statement. In fact, hasn’t the PEW accused YOU of being the liar? You two are two of a kind. Secondly, if you are checking IP addresses only, there is an entire campus here who does enjoy checking your site, so you can’t narrow it down to “just me” without seeing the actual PC log.
You can say what you’d like, but there is an entire class of students at a well-known university that uses both YOU and the PEW as examples of “in-denial BPD/high conflict spouses.” Like energy attracts like energy, which is how you ended up in a high conflict relationship anyways.
My point is that YOU still have 50/50 ownership of the conflict you have created here with your PEW. I will never change my mind, but I sure do enjoy reading your replies. If you publish it, you are responsible for it. End of story. You could have kept it PRIVATE but instead chose to take “gang-up” mentality by creating this little den of hatred. As I have said, there are PLENTY of helpful websites for people who have been emotionally or physically abused that don’t make a fool out of people with mental health issues. I mean, isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? How could you think that creating a website devoted to bashing your PEW would help with communication with her? So that’s exactly my point. If you set out to rile her, doesn’t that show you are high conflict as well?
June 29th, 2010 at 9:20 am
Oh and to JCB82:
A really good place to go to discuss the horrors of a psycho-ex spouse is a counselor/psychologist, not a website devoted to spewing hatred all over the internet. You might be able to vent here, but you won’t necessarily GROW and that’s the difference. I admit that I did vent here; 2-3 times in the fantasy emails, but I realized that being angry at my SO’s ex or children wasn’t the answer. I was just feeding the negative voice with angry words. There are a lot of good websites that will help you understand how the abuse has effected you and will help you grow beyond it, as opposed to just having you relive the anger and pain over and over again through stories that happened in the past. We have to be responsible to ourselves for creating what we have in this moment. Take care.
June 29th, 2010 at 9:42 am
Paranoid much, TrophyGF? Do you have your class using you as a case study for ongoing, continued high-conflict personalities? Like many other high-conflict individuals, you have made accusations against me about “twisting” and “lying” and have (and will continue to be) completely unable to support such allegations. Further, with each new post, your obvious hostility seems to increase. Also, you post, repeatedly, several times in a row, because you’re so incensed you can’t keep a straight thought. Legal threats? Insistence that you don’t come here all that often?
I ask you, does any of this look familiar to you or any other reader?
Maybe you can teach your class to learn the difference between disliking circumstances and “spewing hatred all over the internet.”
And of course, only TrophyGF knows who is able to grow here as a result of discussions and it’s none of you. Apparently, none of the people who have actually learned and grown from the mistakes and successes here haven’t done so because “TrophyGF” has said you haven’t. You can “only” do that with a psychologist or counselor because, after all, no one has failed to grow in those offices.
Some more corrections for you, TrophyGF.
Until PEW found out about this site, there was 0% ownership of conflict created here because there was none. Ask your class how it’s possible to have a high-conflict relationship with PEW due to this website for the few years it remained undiscovered.
In the end, I will take the overwhelmingly positive feedback from those whose lives have been improved over a single person who is coming here, obsessively and angrily, to proclaim that no one can learn and grow from it.
Bigger experts in the field than you will tell you differently, but maybe I’m just a big liar about that, too. Not everyone agrees, so I rely on those who come here for solace, to vent, for suggestions, or whatever else positive they can glean from the website and the forums.
What’s truly laughable is that my primary lesson is minimizing contact with high-conflict personalities and focusing on communication that is child-centered, non-judgmental, clear and concise. The site clearly and glaringly shows the difference between the two. And anyone who believes that the purpose of this site is to bash, embarrass, hate [fill in the blank] PEW obviously doesn’t get it, no matter how plainly obvious it is to the overwhelming majority.
June 29th, 2010 at 10:16 am
It’s not MY class that watches your blog, it’s another class. And yes, several trolls in that class love to post stuff and watch you FREAK out whenever someone disagrees with you. They especially love it when you rally the troops and get DW involved, since it illustrates boundary issues and co-dependency.
Once again, you can accuse me of whatever you like. You are guilty of exactly what you accuse the PEW of, and me [of threatening legal issues/high conflict/blah blah blah]. Hasn’t it occurred to you that’s my whole point? You attract high conflict because YOU are high conflict. YOU are the common denominator in these situations you have repeatedly. I never NEEDED to make a website that encourages conflict. Going to a private therapist made it so that our opinions were independent of each other. You publish only “your truth.” If this blog was really going to be objective, wouldn’t it be better to let the PEW actually comment on what she was thinking when she wrote her emails? Not just what YOU were thinking about those emails? It’s only YOUR truth. Everyone has their own truth Mister M.
You hit the nail on the head right here: “Not everyone agrees.” I came here on isolated occasions before getting sucked in to this particular response, mostly because I was relieved to see that “Stepmom” agreed with me.
And no, I’m not rambling and furious as I type this; quite the opposite, I have enjoyed debating this in between tutoring or other paperwork assignments. I could never REALLY get too involved here with you; in fact, you may remember I debated this point in a separate posting about 4-6 months ago and never visited in the meantime because I have other things going on… mainly building a healthy relationship that left the past in the past.
P.S. If I’m a “high conflict personality” and “[your] primary lesson is minimizing contact with high-conflict personalities” then why do you keep answering me?
P.P.S. I can’t wait to hear the professor’s run down of this on Monday! I might even have to sit in on the class with my friend! You have been most entertaining.
I promise for the rest of the day, I won’t look at your response. It will probably just be you spewing gibberish any way at the fact that you can’t “get me.” I know all about abusive spouses too. The best defense against you is a thicker skin… rest assured, I’ve got that covered!
June 29th, 2010 at 10:30 am
It’s another demonstration which shows the following and reinforces why low-contact is so important:
#1 - If you repeatedly defend yourself against an ever-widening variety of accusations against you, you will only bring the high-conflict personality back with more accusations, as you’ve done repeatedly over recent weeks and distant months.
#2 - The high-conflict personality believes only their viewpoint is right and just and gives no leeway for other possibilities. You have done this here, I have not.
#3 - The high-conflict personality will repeatedly accuse you of things, the very things that you likely have already acknowledged are your responsibility (as you have also done here).
#4 - The more you reply to them, the more quickly they will come back (as you have done here).
#5 - Going low/no contact doesn’t make you guilty, it makes you smart and takes the “bite” out of the high-conflict personality.
I know exactly what I’m doing here, but you’re too busy convincing yourself how smart and righteous you are to realize it.
You can’t teach someone why low-contact is helpful unless you show them what happens when you entertain high-conflict.
Thank you for participating. This lesson has concluded.
June 29th, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Did she really call you self rightous? Here, let me stand up on my soap box for a moment! I have gone through 17 years of hell with my husband! All we ever wanted was for things to be “fair” for both sides - and trust me…that was never the case:
She kidnaps SD on Father’s Day, and he asks the State’s Attorney not to give her jail time. We never talk bad about PEW or put her down in front of SD, yet she is a constant sewer mouth of hate and poison. If we fly SD back home on a Monday and she misses one day of school,we are terrible people yet she decides not to follow the court order last summer and not return her and lets her miss two months of school. She has me leave work early when SD was 5 and had chicken pox so that I could take off 4 days of work and take care of her. We talk about not doing drugs, she tells SD of fun drug experiencs and encourages smoking pot. We tell SD she can date at 16, and PEW lets boys come over and spend the night (for several days) before her 15th birthday. My husband tries to pick up SD (when she was a baby) for visitation, she wouldn’t be there and she would save his frustrated voicemails and then proceed to try and press stalking charges against him. The list goes on and on!
It is a never ending battle of good and evil! When I have a day of complete frustration over the craziness and illogical chess moves, I am greatful for this site. It gives me a since of community when I feel alone. I applaud you Mr. M and DW! You’ve done nothing wrong by exposing PEW for what she is and does! We live it every single day!!
July 1st, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Mister M:
You are guilty of EVERYTHING you have accused me of in your neat little ordered list.
I’m going to go ahead and not come back to this website ever again (feel free to obsess over IP records in order to “prove” I am crazy to yourself) however, understand that just because I vehemently disagree with you does not mean that I crazy, self-righteous, or high conflict. It just means that I disagree and I’m not going to goaded into backing down from someone who prefer to have people subscribe to his site and “custody coach” materials rather than consult a real therapist. In fact, I think you are kind of a big bully; at least that’s the way your language comes across. Additionally, you make for a lousy salesman when you alienate readers who disagree with you. Aren’t you bragging up your ability to be a great communicator throughout this site? Oh, but that’s right, I’M CRAZY so you can’t communicate with me correctly. I got it now. (please reread with sarcasm there before retorting that I “finally admitted it”).
The long and the short of what started this conflict was my observation that you are no better or worse than the PEW for creating this site. I still stand by that. Good luck raising your family. It won’t matter if they grow up screwed up, because you’ll find someone “crazy” to blame it on anyways. YOU certainly won’t have contributed at all. It’s just all us CRAZY people that can’t be helped.
Or else maybe it just takes a TRAINED PROFESSIONAL instead of a witch doctor on the internet! What exactly was your degree in? Oh, that’s right, the last time I asked in a different post, I couldn’t get an answer out of you or DW as to your actual credentials, so I’m figuring it was one or two courses in abnormal psychology. (Btw, that’s rhetorical, b/c I won’t be back to read the lesson). I’m sure that wouldn’t tick off any actual TRAINED psychologists who spent YEARS actual helping people instead of encouraging glorified venting on the internet as a cure-all. Perhaps if nothing else, my posts will encourage you to actually get/finish a real degree.
Wow, look out, I got INSULTED by you and became excited and “angry” during my post! WOW! That means I must have BPD b/c NORMAL people never get angered by pompous bullies on the internet. THANK GOD I have you to help me know all about my CRAZY disorder that makes me JUST LIKE YOUR EX-WIFE. LOOK OUT! I wrote in caps! That means I’m yelling like a crazy person.
I give up. You win. Bye.
July 2nd, 2010 at 1:09 am
I dont know who you are Trophy GF but I can easily speculate by your arguement tactics that you likely are or have been someones “problem” ex at some point in your life. It comes across strong to anyone who has personal experience dealing with individuals of that nature. Good luck on your exodus
July 5th, 2010 at 7:21 am
Mr. M and TrophyGF need to practice low/no contact with each other.
Mr. M - If I had to make one suggestion, it would be not to argue with readers who make comments on your posts. People are going to disagree with you, and people will condemn what you’re doing. You can’t do anything about that, and I don’t think you’ll ever change their minds.
I think those of us who come here because we are experiencing the same things as you can recognize the crazies on the comment board. You don’t need to argue with them, and getting caught up in trying to get them to see a point is counter productive.
Just keep doing what you do. I’m glad that someone out there cares enough about what we go through to try and help others with it.
July 14th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
Please keep doing what you are doing on this site. It is terribly important to those that you reach. My own DH is a long-time victim of a PEW (as are his kids) and it is indescribably important for him and others in his position to know they are NOT alone and THEY are not the crazy ones in their lives.
July 26th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
For the past seven years, I have been dealing with a BPD ex-wife. The things that have transpired in that seven years are so absurd, it truly does make you quesion your own sanity and whether or not you are living in a bad dream, or if your life is the reality you have to confront until you child is old enough to make their own decisions. My story is apparently not an uncommon one. But my family and friends no longer want to even attempt to comprehend my reality. I feel very alone and without anyone to continue to turn to. The judicial system is a joke, they are not impartial, yet they do not wish to thoroughly evaluate the entire situation. Who suffers? The Children, your family members, your friends, and ultimately, you suffer the most. This has become the most stagnating, devastating situation I have ever been in. When you wake up each morning attempting to have a positive attitude and get yourself moving again while always hearing that thought in the back of your mind “what kind of crap is she going to pull today”, it becomes all consuming. Try as you may to get on with your life, all you can think about is your child or children and what must they be having to deal with. Thoughts of taking your own life linger in the back of your mind, but what keeps you moving forward is continuing to be there for you child, regardless of the personal cost. I was in excellent health when I married. Since my divorce, and having to constantly deal with a PEW, I have suffered several healt problems including having a minor cardiac event at the young age of 47. When does it end? How do you stop the destruction and the havoc left in the wake of this uncontrollable monsters who have no intention of ever exhibiting any civility towards you for as long as they live? How do you get the court or some other potent authority to even pay attention? HELP! Anyone! I have reached the end of my rope.
August 2nd, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Neartheendofmyrope,
Please stay in touch.
Please don’t despair. I don’t know at what stage you are in your divorce, or how old your children are, but you have more power than you think you do. It may not seem like it now, but it’s true.Your family and friends DO love and support you, they are just at loss as to how to “help” you as there doesn’t seem to be any effective way of dealing with a BPD - they seem to have thrown in the towel just as you have. Please, I’m not blaming you, I totally understand My ex-husband of 10 years was a BPD and by the time I left I was near-suicidal, in therapy and on medication because he had me brainwashed into believing all of the world’s ills were my fault - including his cheating. My point is, here’s what you can’t control: The rest of the world and all of it’s inhabitants, including the judicial system. Here’s what you can control: YOU. (Please read this site’s posts on Low/No Contact). Draw a line in the sand! This is what you will tolerate and over here is what you WILL NOT tolerate under any circumstance. You will not tolerate emotional/verbal abuse. If it starts, announce you will not be spoken to this way and end the conversation that instant. Make it publically known you will not allow your child(ren) to be used as weapons against you. You will not allow interference in your personal/professional life. Under no circumstance is she to see that she is “getting to you”. BPD’s need this more than air. Stop waking up in the mornings dreading her next move, because as long as you are living up to your end of the deal, you don’t care what her next move is. Your children will not suffer as long as they have one loving, stable parent-YOU. But your children must also SEE you demand respect lest they lose theirs for you. And in answer to your question, “when does it end”? When you put a stop to it.
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:57 pm
I love it - why do they always think it (blogs, pages, groups) is about them when really it is just about needing to know that WE are not alone and that others understand. If she fell off the earth it would not affect my life - in fact I usually forget about her in between her psychotic raving, but then she realizes we have “forgotten” about her and so that is when the next round of drama starts. When she feels like she is not getting enough attention from us… sad.
August 3rd, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Peaches, thanks for the well wishes. Like Codi, I do my best to focus on my own life in between the PEW’s behaviorial outbursts. However, she now has a live in with her who is currently unemployed and has six children of his own. We have been divorced officially since January of 2005, separated in december of 2003. It was all about money and control and it remains that way. My son is a very loving affectionate 8 year old boy and he is the greatest gift I have ever received from God in my lifetime. My concern is always for him. If the PEW fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, I wouldn’t really give a rip other than the impact it may have on our son. Currently, things are rather calm regarding our communication and our custody remains status quo. Joint Custody. I am focused elsewhere today and hopefully can continue that focus until the next court date. It is a long drawn out story and one that I continue to put behind me. You can’t change yesterday and you don’t know what tomorrow will bring so you focus on today, on the here and now. What gets to you is that life is too short to have to deal with a BPD particularly when you know there motivation is to simply make your life as difficult as they possibly can. I don’t know how my PEW can even attempt to call herself a Christian. She is actually employed by the local Catholic Diocese as a Campus Minister. She presents this holier than thou image in public, and is a vicious vindictive PEW to me, my family, and just about anything we attempt to do. It is just very sad.
August 4th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Neartheendofmyrope,
Well isn’t that extra special to find out that your PEW a self-proclaimed “Christian”?! I love it when I hear things like that. I know waaaaay too many hypocrites like that and you’re right: life is too short to have to endure them. However, you can lessen their effect on you and your family by taking away their perceived “power” every chance you get. Question though - howcome she is in a position to remain in contact with your family? You may not have a choice, but they totally don’t have to deal with her crap. The divorce decree took care of that for them. Just curious…
August 25th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
I am the S.O. of the man with the PEW. I just found this website today and, with only a few of the things I have read, I could swear they had been written by us!!
First, at the risk of sounding like a dork, I’m overcome with excitement on finding this place for the sole reason that I was really starting to think that no one could possibly understand what we go through on a constant basis. On that same note, I’m overcome with fear that my expressing myself here & PEW finding out about it will only provide her with more ammunition to share with anyone who will listen.
As for the kids finding out/being told about this website, I am sure there is nothing here that they haven’t already been figuring out on their own. The 2nd of my SO’s 3 kids is of the age where he’s seeing it for himself. Without adding new issues, we have confirmed some of what he was telling us he was feeling/thinking. I think it put him somewhat at ease to know that he wasn’t just imagining this and that he wasn’t a liar, like PEW kept telling him. The 3rd child has been brainwashed and feels her mother can do no wrong. She has been convinced that her dad is the liar and that he is just out to make mom’s life a living hell. She hasn’t yet surpassed her mother’s developmental age, whereas her brothers have. One lives with us already and the battle has just begun to “rescue” the 2nd, who came to us and asked to live with us. Since that information has been shared with PEW, he is continuously punished by having his phone taken away, locked in his room, etc. He has been told that because of him, no one else in the family can have anything because PEW has to pay an attorney. The crap goes on and on. I could literally sit here and probably write for days on end about all of this and still wouldn’t have told the whole story. There’s so much and some of it may seem insignificant alone, but with each little grievance, each incident seems to escalate. Give her an inch and she’ll take 3 miles.
Initially, the outsiders, or non-family members, who have become involved in this clusterf$*# (i.e. counselors, GAL’s, mediators, etc.)tend to believe PEW and her lies. She is very manipulative and convincing in her role as the victim. It takes awhile for anyone to believe us, so we have to suffer through the “injustice” until enough time has passed and her stories start to contradict each other and the lies are discovered. By that time, we are so discouraged and so much has been lost, that we end up questioning whether it’s all worth it. While the answer is always yes when it comes to the safety and well-being of the kids, it’s very difficult to keep a positive attitude. Now I’m just rambling, but feel so much better about it! Thanks! I can’t wait to check out more of the stuff on this site.
September 2nd, 2010 at 4:08 pm
You will always be an enemy and “the bad guy” to PEW. If you took this website down, there would be 100 other things she’d assault instead. I guess in the long run, running this website is probably cheaper and more affirming than therapy.
September 7th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
For some reason I cannot subscribe to your feed, but I’m sure glad I found you. We have alot in common.