The Psycho Ex Wife

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…leading up to our first custody evaluation…

In the aftermath of the protection from abuse hearing (or lack thereof), all remained eerily quiet on the road to the custody evaluation. There were a few issues that reared the ugly head from time-to-time:

Once the child-support payments were set-up, there were some snafus with the work check-runs that would prompt the regular, recurring “I didn’t get my support check” emails. Even after that was corrected, knucklehead wasn’t used to the usual red-tape delays that commonly occur because she had to have my wages garnished instead of taking my checks directly. Her choice, not mine. I finally got around to ignoring those emails after telling her a couple of times to take it up with the child support disbursement office. (For the record, I was paying $869/month for child support having them 50% of the time and also paying “temporary spousal support” to the tune of $204/month.) I’m still at a loss to figure out how I was to pay that much and her petition for spousal support was a joke. For someone who “couldn’t afford to pay reasonable attorney’s fees” - she sure was petition-happy during that period.

There was also the small matter of the direct checks I was sending her directly prior to the order. After some hemming and hawing as well as my providing ample proof via canceled checks - that was rectified as well and I received appropriate credit for payments made up to the time we finally had an order entered.

Our work schedules were tough and kind of messed-up on Fridays which brought another round of issues surrounding her desire to have her alcoholic, bipolar, untreated psycho-sister watching the children for a few hours on Fridays until I could pick them up. There was nothing I could do except document my objections. She tried to leverage my inability to adjust my work schedule into “being okay” with her sister watching the children. I simply repeated my objections and stated that there was nothing I could legally do to stop her from using psycho-SIL as a babysitter.

It was also the earliest foray into partial parallel-parenting, too. Though I still hadn’t officially heard of it, we had some problems with me sending the children over dressed in decent clothing only to have her not return the clothing. It wasn’t long before I was left with nothing but sweatpants and sweatshirts. When I asked her about returning the clothing, she informed me that they “didn’t fit right” and she disposed of them. It would be the last time I sent them back to her in anything that she didn’t first supply me with. The clothes were fine. So, from that moment on, I washed whatever it was they arrived in and sent them back home in it when it was time to return them. To this very day, I still do that. Money is tight and especially then… I couldn’t afford to have her trashing the clothes that I had purchased for them.

Between September and mid-October, we would have attended 6 custody evaluation sessions. 2 each alone. 1 together. 1 together with the children. Stay tuned…

Yes, I know - I’m jumping back into the past just as we were beginning to launch into the divorce take-off. Too bad! I happened upon this and it gives some insight as to the perceptions of someone on her side of the family.

EJ, who I haven’t profiled, until now, is the oldest brother of the 4 inlaw children. PP is #1. PEW is #2. EJ is #3. EJ was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (as was PP a few years later). PEW and I were instrumental in convincing EJ to voluntarily entered a hospital when he was having a particularly alarming episode. During his 3-day stay, he was diagnosed as bipolar, and started on a regimen of treatment and medication that proved instrumental in helping him get out of a mind-hell that he was living. He was pissed at us for cajoling him into checking himself in. He was in denial for a short period afterwards, but followed the recommendations and really turned things around for himself. He married his beautiful girlfriend, got himself a fantastic job, now has 3 children. He is a prime example of how well things can turn out when you follow the program and take care of yourself in the aftermath of such a diagnosis. PP, on the other hand, is the direct opposite. There must be a psychological case-study in there somewhere.

EJ and I always had a good relationship. He was a funny, caring guy. A big “teddy-bear” if there ever was one. S1 and S2 love him lots, too. Unfortunately, as happens with a divorce, the last time I saw EJ was probably New Year’s Day of 2004. I hear from the kids that he and his family are doing well - at least insofar as the children understand that to be the case.

During a discussion in the aftermath of my being ejected from Christmas 2001, PEW had told me about how everyone was up-in-arms over my allegedly inappropriate behavior. She challenged me to “call EJ and ask him!” I called her bluff and did. He assured me that few, if anyone, expressed any such sentiment. Except for PP, that is.

Following our phone discussion, we had an email exchange… it was December 26th, 2001…

EJ,

I’m not going to excuse-make. Just so you know - as does your sister - I have a zero-tolerance policy on people making fun of the kids. That policy extends to both families, and I give you my personal assurance, me asking your brother, calmly, to “please stop making fun of my kids’ physical attributes was a LOT nicer than what I’ve had to say to my own brothers on rare occasion.

I’ve had enough and I am going to address it on-the-spot no matter who does it. I’ve had enough of dealing with EE, your sister (who has previously called him “psycho” and “serial killer” among other nicities), last night with [your brother] and both [my younger brothers].

The only people who I’ve not had to contend with (excluding the grandmothers and my own father), are you and my brother VAM, who seem to understand the concept of not making fun of young children.

If I was wrong for not taking your brother aside and telling him, I can live with that. Know this - I’ve told your sister to address it with the family in the past, and it clearly hasn’t worked. So I will now address it on a case-by-case basis. I’ll make no apologies for that.

~LM

EJ’s reply…

LM,

I hear you, dude. Even though he was just kidding, S1 is at that age where he understands things better. That is for you and PEW to discuss. PP has NO right. She is a ticking time-bomb!

~EJ

Well, that was somewhat a relief…

EJ,

WARNING: PEW is going to call you because she alleges that you claimed that I “had no right” and you were “mad at me.”

Again, if that’s the case - we should talk. If it is not - be prepared to be told that is how you should feel. I thought it only fair to warn you. She also said [your fiance] was mad about it.

~LM

LM,

I am not mad and [fiance] definitely is not mad. I never said you had no right. I actually haven’t said a word about it. It went a lot deeper than the issue with [brother], that was obvious. However, any issues that you and PEW have is for you guys to work out. PP should seek help on her own problems before she wants to address others’. I would just like to see you guys work it out. I think no differently man.

~EJ

EJ,

I appreciate the good thoughts, EJ. I mean that.

~LM

LM,

I like you, LM, and so does my family. You probably find that hard to believe at times, but it is very true. Things work themselves out. Everyone goes through their spats.

~EJ

EJ,

Well, your sister is telling me that everyone in the family is alienated from me (a direct quote) and that everyone is pissed at me and that everyone, including [fiance] said that I acted inappropriately.

Now, it is crap like that which prevents us from ever achieving a solution on ANYTHING that she has a problem with.

Those are direct quotes from PEW. Then, when she challenged me to “go on and call EJ” - I told her that I already had talked to you and said no such thing. Sorry to put you on the spot like that, but it needed to be said and I will discuss nothing that you and I have discussed with her. I promise.

~LM

LM,

They love drama, dude. What can I say??? I never said such a thing and to say [fiance] of all people said something to that effect is a total lie. I even talked to [brother] on the phone and he didn’t even seem bothered. Basically, he just took it as you were having a bad day or fighting with PEW. PP was obviously the only one that was vocal. Enough said there. I’m heading out. Give me a call later, I’m going to be setting up the fish tank.

~EJ

If nothing else, EJ sure has his sisters’ number. PP is a ticking time-bomb and they most certainly loved drama (and embellishing and lying and manipulating…) I’ve not heard a cross word during the entire relationship from either of the boy siblings. Quite the contrary, they were often quite sympathetic to me when it came to anything involving the psycho-twins. I’m not sure if that has always been the case, but they’ve never interjected themselves into the drama, and have never confronted me about anything. If they have said anything to PEW or PP negatively, I’d bet money it was simply to “keep the peace” - pretty much like everyone seems to have to do around these two.

Christmas 2003 itself was relatively uneventful, though, it wasn’t without the annual pre-holiday drama which really starting the ball rolling towards the filing for divorce in early 2004. I was beginning to “shut-down” (sort of) in that I just avoided interacting with her in any capacity because the end-result would be chaos.

Rather than debate about things via email or over instant-messaging, when the latest round of things that were bothering her cropped up, I told her I wouldn’t hear of them unless she put them in writing as recommended by a previous counselor. That way, there were no volume issues and there hopefully would be no issues where she could go on an unrelated tangent. It was 12/3/2003.

I’ve whacked-up this handwritten exchange to make it easier for you to follow. She listed 4 things she had issues with. I would respond. Rather than lay them all out in a big bunch with my response, I’ll do each issue individually and my response.

PEW writes:

#1 - I don’t feel like you really care about me based on your actions the other day with regard to the party. S1 was not sick. He was excited about going to [your niece's] party. It was one hour. I was up all night with S2 and I had to work. It sure seems selfish to me.

LM replies:

I’m sorry you feel that way. As I explained to you during our verbal discussion on this topic, my choice not to go was based on 2 things - I was up as well and I was tired. Additionally, while you believe otherwise, I felt S1 shouldn’t go to the party due to his being sick. He was diagnosed on Friday. It was Sunday. While he was excited for the party, it wasn’t appropriate to expose others to his illness as well. As he acquired a high fever and was vomiting half the night after the party, it is clear that I was correct.

Furthermore, I told you that you shouldn’t go and you chose to. You claim I “don’t care about you” because I didn’t take S1, but you forgot the following:

1 - You had the option to stay home. I didn’t “make” you go anywhere.

2 - I chose to stay home with a very sick S2, and while taking care of him, managed to do 5 loads of wash, too, among other small housework chores.

You - Party. Me - Stay home with a sick S2.

That doesn’t seem very selfish to me.

PEW writes:

#2 - On Thanksgiving, you could have handled yourself differently. You made a scene whether or you believe it or not. There were 8 people there that can attest to that. I’m tired of going to family functions and having to worry about if someone is going to rub you wrong. You see my family so infrequently that you could overlook my sister’s annoying comments.

LM replies:

On Thanksgiving, as detailed during our verbal discussion, your sister repeatedly needled me about being “cheap,” and refused no fewer than 3 respectful requests that I not be part of your family’s pollyanna. After the 5th wisecrack about my being cheap, in an exasperated voice - I told your sister (again) that it had nothing to do with money (emphasis on “do”).

Now, you first acknowledge that she was needling me, then disavowed any knowledge of her needling me. I can’t help that. However, when I firmly expressed that it was not about money, she stopped poking fun at me.

I see your family several times each month, so I have no clear understanding of your claim that it’s infrequent, nor do I see the relevance of this (non)issue. I kindly expressed my desire to not join pollyanna no fewer than 4 times.

PEW writes:

#3 - I went out tonight to get a coat and I felt like you were busting on me for being gone so long. Then when I got back you came downstairs and left me to get the boys ready for bed, as if “you were done.” I was at my wits end with S2 after ALL DAY.

LM replies:

I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. You, having previously laughed at my jokes about you “stepping out” - I thought you knew I was kidding and I will not joke like that again.

As for “leaving you” to get the boys ready for bed, it was nothing that wouldn’t have been remedied with a simple call upstairs.

Remember now, after retrieving the groceries from the car, assisting with unpacking and putting them all away, you gave the boys a snack and were talking on the phone. As that was going on, I went down to check email and reply to some. All you had to do was call me and, as I always do, I would have come running.

As I have previously expressed to you - just call if you need me. It’s a far better option than not and being mad at me for not being a mindreader. Too often, there is an expectation of knowledge followed by your anger, all of which can be avoided by talking and communicating.

PEW writes:

#4 - Money is going to be an issue at Christmastime. I can’t afford all the gifts, groceries, and tuition, and copays on my meager salary and I’m always afraid to approach you about it because it seems like you think I should be able to afford everything. Like the boys could use dress shoes for the holidays. I could use some clothes, too.

I’m tired of everything being work work work for me and never getting anywhere

LM replies:

If money is going to be tight, then we are going to have to check our spending this holiday season. While I do have certain expectations that you could handle your gas, groceries, and other necessities (clothes for you/kids) and what-not - there is NO accounting for your money. You work, conservatively, 16-hours per week and should be bringing home roughly $160-$200/week. That’s somewhere around $700 per month conservatively. That should take care of a bunch of stuff, meanwhile, your credit card is over $2,000 (at least, the last time I saw a statement) and you want to spend money we clearly don’t have.

You can’t have it both ways. I’ve been after you to work with me on a budget for years to no avail. You want to have and spend and do more with no responsibility for doing what is within our means.

If you need me to cover things for which you feel “solely” responsible, you have to let me know. But you also have to understand that things need to change, WE need to spend more resp
onsibly, and do it now - not after “charging” the holidays - which is what you told me you were going to do and “there was nothing” I could do to stop you.

Again - YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE.

PEW writes:

Okay, so let’s say that I get $700/month. That is $400 to groceries per month. $220 per month for tuition. $60-$80 on baby sitting. $80 per month for gas. Where does the accounting come in? That is OVER my earnings.

I am communicating that I am going to buy gifts for people. In lieu of cash that I don’t have, I WILL charge. Just lettin’ you know.

P.S. $100 worth of groceries is nothing. It isn’t even a full cart!

LM replies:

For the record, I said $700 was a conservative estimate. Most, if not all, of the time you work 3-days per week and less frequently - more than even that. At 20-hours per month it’s $900/month. At 24-hours, it’s almost $1,100/month.

Previously, I’ve NEVER asked for you to account for your spending. The ONE TIME I’ve seen a credit card statement from you, I asked that you “keep it in check. because it went from $300 to $2,000 in 3-months - all while working these hours.

Just know this - the more you charge - the less we can afford to do. That’s on you. I believe you make more than $700/month, but in addition to never seeing a credit card statement from you - I’ve never seen a paystub, either.

I can work on creating a budget with you - if YOU’RE willing. Just so we’re clear, based upon the work calendar in the kitchen - here is how much you’ve brought home the last 5-months: $1,164. $1,164. $1,248. $1,248. $1,081. You’re also slated to make around $1,200 this month. “So let’s say,” eh?

Did I mention pathological liar, too? She was so busted it wasn’t even funny, acting like the poor, put-upon destitute hard-working wife who only brought home $700/month. She even took the extra step of showing me how the things for which she was responsible exceeded her monthly take-home income of “$700.”

You would be right if you guessed that exposing her for lying ended this paper discussion right in it’s tracks. The thing that astounds me to this day is that in addition to her take-home income - there would be discovered the small matter of in excess of $5,000 in credit card charges over the last 6-months of 2003. So… she spent $12,000 in 6-months and literally had NOTHING to show for it.

As for the Thanksgiving complaint - she was wrong about that, too. Her oldest brother and both sisters-in-law, after the fact, told me that I showed great restraint and that PP had no business badgering me like that and… “she deserved worse.”

As for the other issues - no need to comment on them for this post - my replies are self-explanatory, if wasted on THE PEW.

An early threatening email from Psycho-SIL.

When PP was unemployed and exploiting every system she could, she managed to convince the PEW to act as an ATM-machine, trading the food-stamps she was on in exchange for cash. I thought that it was going to be a one-time deal, but apparently it was going on for a while. She’d get $100 or so in food stamps and trade them to PEW in exchange for $80 in cash. Given her substance abuse issues, suicide issues, etc. - this was obviously a horrible, horrible idea.

One day while at work, I was called by PEW to stop and get “her” some cash on the way home. This was right around Thanksgiving 2002. Between craziness at work, getting stuck late, etc. - I had forgotten. Nevermind that PEW could have rolled out to a nearby ATM at any time on her own.

When I arrived without the cash, the gig was exposed and I expressed the finality of my horror at the implications for PP’s health and well-being. Of course, PEW had all kinds of excuses and justifications for “helping” her sister. PEW had a meltdown, but I didn’t really care, I’d lock-down the account if I had to. Any involvement in our lives from PP was way too much for me. Soon thereafter, I got this gem in my work email…

LM,

I just wanted to respond to your accusations about my character. Despite my troubles over the years, I have yet to defraud or steal from my family.

The reason I was willing to “lose” $80.00 on the food deal was because I know what a cheap person you are and that you would make PEW’s life hell if she helped me out for anything that wasn’t a landslide deal for you guys. As for why I didn’t get anything at Walmart that I needed, you were supposed to be bringing the money home with you, so I figured I would go to the [drugstore] later. I needed eyebrow wax, which by the way, Walmart doesn’t carry the brand I use (surgiwax, in the microwavable tub) only [drugstore] does. Please feel free to check that out. Despite what you think of me, I don’t like taking hand-outs. I thought the deal I had offered you guys was a win-win for both parties. If you must know, I threw in a pack of condoms for $1.87 while with PEW because it was just less embarrassing to buy them with other stuff (hers that is).

Listen, I don’t think that you “forgot” to get the money, especially after being reminded twice. I mean, if it was an auction you were supposed to stop and check out, you wouldn’t have “forgot,” that, would you? I think that you didn’t like having to get the money before the food. Too bad, that’s what being ahead $80.00 get me - immediate cash. Anyway, I had pitched the idea to PEW - she was the one that said you could bring the money home that day - which I thought was great. I didn’t demand it that day. Once I thought I was going to have it though, I was relieved.

Do I think my sister is stupid? no, I think you batter her emotionally until she even starts to think in your warped way. That is why again, I had to make sure it was a win/win for you or you would use her doing me a favor to extort something that you wanted from her.

I said we could go shopping whenever PEW wanted, but for pride’s sake, I was hoping it would be at a not very busy time. PEW said she had just gone shopping so I didn’t think she’d need to go immediately. The card is good for a month. The day before Thanksgiving is a very busy day traditionally. They are after all, food-stamps - which I thought might be embarrassing to use. However, I went to the store after returning your money, minus the $18.00 I had spent, and it was pretty painless - just like using an ATM. I will get the $18.00 back to you as soon as possible. Don’t start emailing me and harassing me for it.

It’s funny, when things are important to YOU, you never forget them. When they are important to other people, you are VERY forgetful. You are a very one-sided individual and although I might get over this someday because I love my sister and my nephews, if you ever accuse me of trying to use or abuse anyone I love, if you accuse me of being that low, you will have bitten off way more than even YOU can chew.

PEW, keep other people out of this. I don’t like people knowing my business and trust me, everybody would take my side, knowing how cheap LM is. I try to be there when you guys need me - maybe it’s not money-oriented but I don’t think it’s less valuable. I’m sorry that you two trust your children with me, even your dogs, but you think I’m capable of stealing from you.

Have a nice Thanksgiving. Thanks for starting my holiday season off on an even better note.

~PP.

The sense of entitlement is apparently a genetic condition in this family.

I’m busy at work, have two children aged 4 and 1-1/2, a crisis condition in my marriage - and I forget to get the cash necessary to subsidize PP’s secret habits (whatever they were at the time) - and crazy as it is, they almost seem to make a rational argument about how wrong I am for the predicament PP is in.

Of course, I was having none of that. Sadly for you, the readers, this time-frame is one that precedes my obsessive saving of everything. I did fire off to her a reply that laid out all that I knew about her history, but don’t have the exact email:

• Embezzling funds from her well-paying, very important job.
• Stealing the identities of both her mother and her aunt (who have the same name) in order to secure loans and credit cards in their names.
• Failure to pay back PEW for things PEW bought for her without my knowledge.
• A failure to repay a few-thousand-dollars worth of loan that PEW gave her prior to our relationship.

…and a whole host of other things. She’s a liar, a thief, and a manipulator of the highest order. PP is a bully and really fancies herself as intimidating when she’s not and her threat that I will have bitten off “more than even I could chew” didn’t sit well with me. I let her know that she was a complete fraud and that the level of interjection into my life and that of my family was too much. Further, if it continued, I would make sure that she would not soon forget that she would have bitten off way more than she could chew… and that I would have no qualms about backing it up. I only wish I had a copy of it to share the details.

This email consists of nothing you haven’t already seen before in terms of projection, denial, lies, refusal to accept responsibility, and a lofty sense of entitlement.

Other weirdities:

• Why so much detail on her eyebrow wax and condoms? TMI!
• Of all of the households on her side of the family, ours (despite PEW) was the most financially successful. Nice house. Nice cars. Decent furniture. The term “cheap” epitomized the entirety of her family.
• One thing that was very clear is that I was never comfortable with her watching the children and probably wasn’t all that comfortable with her even watching the dogs!
• Yes, she thought her sister was/is stupid. It’s why, like the leech that she is, she attaches herself to those she can slowly suck the blood (money) from. PEW’s need for acceptance (from others) overrode her common sense often.

One final thought… if “everyone is going to side with you” - that’s when you let everyone know your business.