Anonymous asks, "What Do You Think?"

LM & DW,

My husband had alerted our PEW that we would be sending a letter outlining arrangements for an intermediary before this -- which we now can't do. What do you think of this letter (we would send it registered, rather than email)? Is it provocative? Is there anything you would add or subtract? We have been writing emails to the children and have received no reply. They may not be checking them, they sometimes don't, but we worry, naturally, about their actually receiving them.

Thanks for your time,

~Anonymous...

Dear [Yourpew],

Unfortunately, we are unable to implement a third party intermediary at this time. Because the sort of emails you sent after the children's Christmas visit must never be repeated, we, once again, request that you restrict your contact with us to emails consisting solely of current important information concerning the children. Any other content will neither be read nor replied to.

Telephone calls should only be made in emergency situations regarding the children's' health, safety, and welfare or regarding travel and handover of the children when it is in progress and email contact is not possible.

Please give the cell phone, number XXX-123-4567, to the children. It is to be theirs, and used for no other purpose except to contact their father, whenever they wish. It will continue to be paid for for this use, and it must remain charged and in working order.

Please put in place an ongoing appointment for the boys to receive a call from their father on this cell [on Sundays at __a.m./p.m.]. If for any reason (work or travel) "He" is unable to make the call, he will let the boys know in advance and make alternate arrangements. The boys must check their emails, at a minimum, weekly on Sundays and reply to them.

The travel arrangements for the week of [XX/XX/XXXX] are as follows:

[Details]


My suggestions would be as follows:

Dear Yourpew,

Due to your incessant abusive behavior both via electronic media and telephone, we will no longer accept any emails nor telephone calls which include foul language, abusive language, anything other than matters requiring urgent attention related only to the children. Please be advised, all other communications, questions, etc. shall be ignored - no exceptions.

If a phone call isn't an urgent matter pertaining to the children - we will hang up the phone without warning. If your emails aren't an urgent matter pertaining to the children - we will not respond.

We expect phone calls to the children to be answered by the children without discussion with you or any other interference. We will call on X-date at X-time. They may call us whenever they wish.

These are the [specified] travel arrangements:

[Details]

Sincerely,
Us


Here is what to expect in response:

- Rage, abusive emails and/or phone calls testing your boundaries. You will need to hold firm.

- She will not answer the phone, in an effort to engage you. If you're not prepared to take her to court over it (assuming she is violating an order) - there is nothing you can do about it. Prepare to never speak to the children again unless they are in your company.

- Do not do the cellphone thing - she will only confiscate them, not allow them to call/answer, or worse - start running up the cellphone bill to astronomical levels. I know people who have tried this with a high-conflict ex. Many people. Not one single success story. Do not do it.

- She will never put in place any schedule for anything that is convenient to you. Don't ask her. Don't expect it. It simply will not happen. Not for phone calls. Not for emails. She wants you to rely on her. She will fail you in her ongoing, almost drug-addictive desire to have your attention, and not follow through on promises or agreements. The only way to get a schedule in place is via court - and when she violates that, you'll have to go back. It's the way of the high-conflict ex.

I know that this is not good news for you, but it is your reality. It is not based solely on my experience but it is based on a wealth of experience of people I know with similar situations. The distance between you and the children only makes it worse. You almost have no recourse and for that I feel very sorry for all of you.

~LM

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Public Awareness Campaign for Abused Men

The organization known as the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women is always working to raise awareness of domestic violence, especially that perpetrated upon men. Their latest campaign is a poster effort drawing attention to domestic violence.

As part of our ongoing effort to bring more awareness to society about abused men and the availability of our toll free helpline and services for men in relationships with abusive women, we have had a public awareness poster designed. This 11 x 17 poster has "tear off" sheets attached at the bottom right hand corner with the agency's name, helpline number and website address printed on them so that someone can easily tear off a sheet and stick it in their pocket to take the information with them.

We are hoping that these posters (when placed in various public places along side of other information re: domestic violence) will help men realize that when they are emotionally, psychologically and/or physically assaulted by their intimate female partner it's also called domestic violence.

Would you like to put some of these posters up in your local area to bring more awareness to this much ignored and hidden side of domestic violence? We are now taking orders. The suggested donation for each poster is $4.50 which covers shipping and handling and the minimum order is 10 posters. Please write us at dahmwagency@gmail.com or call 207-683-5758 to place your order.

This organization is also sponsoring the Men's Experience with Partner's Aggression Project, which is still an active effort. I urge you to read this article and participate. When laws and legislation such as the Violence Against Women's Act serve to label all men as abusers and only women as victims (purporting oftentimes as many as 95% of perpetrators are male), it's efforts such as those undertaken by the Domestic Violence Helpline for Men and Women that are working so hard to bring a sense of reality and true equality to the situations. When it comes to establishing the necessary funds and support mechanisms that are so desperately needed to assist men suffering from domestic violence - it is up to men to report their experiences at every opportunity. Not only are you protecting yourself, you set the wheels in motion for many others to receive protection and assistance as well.

Forget about being embarrassed about reporting an intimate partner for domestic violence. It's not necessary to "man-up" and just deal with it, no matter how much ridicule you expect you might receive. There is a reason that false accusations against men and restraining orders based upon same are so effective at separating men from their freedom and family (and oftentimes much more). It's due to all that "manning-up." It's due to a life of being taught to "never hit a woman." Men have been trained to avoid doing anything that will bring "harm" to a woman. In the interim, the level of violence perpetrated by women is becoming more and more public. Even though they may not be punished to the same level as men, only a continued effort to expose violence, no matter the gender, will see slow changes come to the mindset of men = perpetrator, women = victims.

I ask you, which situation makes men appear more foolish?

Option A: Your jackass friends laughing at you for reporting that your wife/girlfriend beats you up?

Option B: Sitting in jail when you when you finally defend yourself, leave a mark, and then you explain the situation to your jackass friends from behind the glass at your local prison?

If she's being violent, take action. Call the police. Call the help line. Report it. Report it every single time. I just dealt with it and did so for a long time. When I look back and think about how many times things could have turned out so horribly different... yes... even moreso than what you read about here... I suddenly realize how worthless "manning up" really is.

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PAS: JBB Needs Help

We're looking for advice, suggestions, anything that may help.

Here is the situation: PEW was caught in the act of an affair, by her ex-husband on one occasion, and by the then-10-year-old son on another. She is embarrassed, and wants to blame the divorce on something else. Here are some of the different lies she has told:

1. Her lover had drugged her. Problem: she changed her story of which drug was used, and ultimately claimed he had used "roofies", even though she was quite awake and alert on both occasions when she was caught. Oh, and in true BPD or NPD style, she somehow made that her ex-husband’s fault for "not protecting her from and evil man who gave her drugs."

2. That the Dad molested the then-4 year old daughter. Problem: nobody else corroborates this story, the PEW identifies one single incident of "molestation," which happened when the Dad was applying chigger-bite medicine, and PEW herself never mentioned this incident until three years later, after she was caught in bed with another man, and found herself going through a divorce. PEW is also very careful never to tell this particular lie in front of the now-10 year old daughter, who of course, has no memory of any "molestation" because none took place.

3. That the Dad had in his possession nasty pictures of the Mom's grown daughter from her first marriage. Problem: this daughter -- Dad's step-daughter -- has a porn website, pole dances for a living, is a drug abuser, and admitted, while under the influence of alcohol, that she was the one who had planted the pictures in her step-Dad's briefbag because she was angry with him for not making her car payment for her, and her car had gotten re-possessed as a result. As you can see, this paragon of womanhood is a chip right off the old PEW block.

4. That the Dad had taken "nasty" pictures of a group of middle school girls while chaperoning a field trip. Problem: PEW can only produce one picture, of a girl bending over, which happened only because of the flash delay on the camera; the ex-husband had already deleted this picture from his computer, not because he considered it "nasty," but because it was it was poor photography. PEW found it in the "delete folder" on the ex-husband’s computer, and now shows this picture to everyone, acts all horrified at how "nasty" it is, and tells folks it was taken by her perverted nasty horrible pedophile evil ex-husband, and that there are many others that are even worse – that they are so bad she cannot even show them to anyone. Yeah, right. Here’s a medal for your self-restraint.

This woman spends all day, every day, calling her neighbors, people in her church, people at her children's schools, family members, anyone, everyone, and telling them over and over again that her ex-husband is an evil pedophile. She even went to his new neighborhood (20 miles away), and knocked on every door, introduced herself, and told the people there her allegations. Problem: he was examined by two court-appointed psychiatrists, including a phallometric exam, that cleared him off all charges. In fact, one of the psychiatrists was also ordered by the court to examine HER, and found that she was so psychotic that he recommended that she be medicated and put under a minimum of weekly psychiatric evaluation. This psychiatrist also recommended that custody be given to the Dad, and that PEW be supervised whenever she was in the presence of the kids. The judge was never given the opportunity to rule on these recommendations, however, because PEW was going so nuts at the time that the Dad chose to settle case without going to trial, in an ill-advised attempt to end the insanity – his attorney asserted that the PEW would "settle down" once the divorce was finalized, and the Dad believed that. In addition, PEW has reported the Dad to Family Protective Services so many times, and they have investigated and cleared him so many times, that they threatened PEW with charges of making a false report if she came back to them. Of course, she now tells everyone that the Dad has "bought FPS off". Just like he supposedly bought off the two psychiatrists.

The parents have joint custody, and the kids spend about 50% of their time with each parent. The kids cannot bring their friends over to Mom's house, because whenever they do, she immediately collars the friend and spends the next 1-2 hours (yes, you read that right) haranguing the poor kid and telling them what an evil person their friend's Dad is. When the Dad was going to throw a birthday party for one of the kids, the Mom called every parent of every kid in both neighborhoods, the school, and church, and told them not to allow their kid to attend the party "with that evil man" (even though he wasn't even going to be there... because the party was being hosted by two other adult friends and relatives who were sensitive to the issues). Every day when the kids get home from school, they get a one-hour lecture on how evil their father is. If they are coming home after spending any time with their Dad, then it's a 2-3 hour raging/screaming/carrying-on rampage about how evil their father is.

The divorce has been finalized for nearly two years now, and pretty much everyone believed (and told the Dad) that the Mom would settle down and back off of all the crazy accusations, once the property settlement and custody stuff were finalized (oh, and it’s a total travesty that this crazy psycho got almost 80% of the marital assets when SHE was the one who caused the whole thing because she couldn’t keep her legs together… but the Dad basically caved in on everything, believing that he was doing the right thing for his kids). Well, she hasn't. She continues to escalate it.

Keep in mind that there is a H-U-G-E Mother-bias in Texas courts, especially in the rural counties (which this one is); so it is quite unlikely that this Dad could actually win sole custody of his kids… he is very reluctant to attempt any mods to the custody order, because it will most likely be a situation that will put the kids through absolute hell and then they will end up exactly where they are right now. Prior to the separation, PEW openly threatened the Dad on several occasion (in front of the kids, too) that she would kill him if he ever tried to get custody. She has also beaten and scratched him during her rages (prior to him moving out). This of course concerns me for the children’s sake, too, because it seems highly probable that she will someday escalate her abuse of them to a physical point as well. Sadly, when he first moved out of the home to protect himself, he wanted to take the kids with him for their protection, and was advised that if he did, she could easily accuse him of “kidnapping”, and then he would not have a chance in hell of even getting joint custody.

It seems this PEW will fight forever to protect her image. Which means, despite reasonable predictions to the contrary, she will probably NEVER let this thing go. No matter where they move to, or what develops, she will always make it her mission to go around knocking on doors and presenting her lopsided side of the story in
the court of public opinion. It is ruining her children's lives.

Suggestions, inputs, thoughts, observations, help? Any feedback would be so very very appreciated. I feel so helpless, standing by and watching this family live with this insanity. I'd be willing to consider anyone's point of view on the situation.

Thanks so much in advance,
JBB

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How Do You Keep PEW From Destroying Your Relationship?

That's a very good question.

G writes:

My question for you is how do you keep your ex from destroying your current relationship? It has to be hard. We've been in turmoil so long I worry that we don't know how to deal without it. Or someday she's going to say I've had enough.

Thanks for your site. It's very therapuetic.

- G

---------------

G...

A couple of things (among many) keep PEW from destroying our relationship:

- We make sure that PEW isn't the "most common" thread in our relationship. That is, we make sure that we have so many other things that make our relationship great besides our solidarity in protecting ourselves and the children from PEW.

- When DW doesn't want to hear about an email or a phone call, I respect that. Sometimes, "enough is enough" and she just needs a break from the turmoil.

- I handle my own "crap." There are times I ask for help and she does. There are times she volunteers her help and I accept it. However, it's my problem and I need to always be the one to step up and take the lead in handling it.

- Never take her, her patience, her help, her love... for granted. The same goes in the other direction. Fortunately for her and us - her ex-husband isn't a "PEH."

- Never just "expect" that she will do things for your children like any old spouse. 4-years into our relationship, I still (and will always) ask if she can do something with respect to my children (and she does the same regarding hers). A pick-up from school. "Babysitting" if something comes up. A doctor visit. A phone call. Appointment setting. Those are our primary jobs with respect to our own children and we are thankful for any help we provide each other.

There may be others... but those are the biggies. TALK. TALK to each other. HEAR each other. Respect her wishes with regard to dealing with you dealing with your ex... or not dealing with your ex.

With regard to your situation, accept that her participation in this is voluntary and never forget, she can quit and she would be perfectly within her right to do so. Dealing with a psycho ex-wife like these is a monumental undertaking. Of course, you can quit, too. It's a scary thought, but it's a realistic one. Never forget that she is a volunteer in your mess.

~LM & DW

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The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause

Changes: All provisions of this agreement may be altered with prior WRITTEN agreement between both parties. If a deviation is agreed to by both parties, it may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written agreement by both parties. Written agreements may be accomplished via email, fax, or through other documented media.

If anyone is going through a divorce involving children, be it civil or uncivil, I have found this to be a most powerful ally in ensuring against alleged miscommunications and the likely occurrence of "he-said, she-said" situations.

I've struggled mightily for several years with PEW's:

- Reneging on verbal agreements which were then revoked at the 11th-hour.

- Reneging on written agreements (usual email agreements).

- Verbalizing agreements and then failing to put them in writing or draw them up as orders (after getting burned with time and expenses of having an attorney draw them up only for her to refuse to sign them).

I'm on the record in various places around the internet with a simple assessment of a borderline's negotiating and agreement philosophy:

#1 - There is no agreement that you can come up with that s/he will ever agree to. If you came up with it, there must be something wrong about it, underhanded about it, or you are trying to rip her off in some way.

#2 - If s/he verbalizes an agreement with you, s/he will never sign your documentation or see to it that it is documented and signed from his/her end.

#3 - There is no agreement that s/he'll come up with that s/he'll agree to if you agree to it. If you like it, there must be something wrong with it or she forgot something that will benefit you and rip her off.

#4 - BPD's don't negotiate. They pretend to negotiate, upping the ante in a disguised effort showing (falsely) they are amenable to a settlement. After you've gone way above and beyond what is fair or equitable in an effort to settle things, s/he will use that as the benchmark in asking the court for more when you go to the inevitable hearing.

Now I'm fairly certain that the clause opening this post is not uncommon and probably not original. However, I did come up with that all on my own. Tired of the run-around that was typically associated with "working with her" as she so often claims she does verbally but doesn't actually do in reality - I had to come up with something that would reduce my frustration and lock her in. Vacation plans, extra custody time, exhange points, and other plans have been upset by her games. I'd swirl into a pit of begging and pleading for honoring what we had discussed, to no avail. So, that was the clause I came up with to change things. I wouldn't beg. I wouldn't plead. If I didn't have it in writing, I had no agreement and I would plan accordingly. Unfortunately, it was usually without the children.

It has been instrumental in heading off some court hearings. Those it didn't, it was instrumental in either defending myself resulting in a finding of innocence or finding her guilty of contempt. When she goes into court claiming she didn't agree or there was some misunderstanding, I usually only have to hand the judge the email exchange showing agreement between us and the jig is up. It's really been that simple.

I presented that clause to Judge Contempt. Not only did she like it, she put it into the order exactly as I wrote it, including the all-caps "WRITTEN."

If your order/agreement doesn't have this clause - get it in there the next time it is updated. If you're in the middle of a custody case, make sure that a clause (or one with similar language) becomes a part of any final order.

It won't guarantee that your psycho-ex will adhere to the order without violation. However, when s/he does, at least you will have protection and proof should you need to go to court. Remember, when emailing, always copy yourself on every single email. Keep your paperwork filed and organized in the event you ever need to use it in court.

If you feel compelled to request a deviation from your order, do it in writing. The MOMENT you get a written agreement in reply - STOP! No more discussion. No mind-changing allowed. It is essentially an extension of the court order without having to go through a hearing for a change. Accept no substitute. If you don't agree in writing, you don't have an agreement, period. Follow that order to the letter and avoid deviations unless you have them in writing - agreement from the both of you - IN WRITING!

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ADK writes: "A Sincere Thank You"

LM & DW,

Hi there. I just want to thank you for your insight.

I sit here with tears in my eyes, as my 3 soon-to-be stepsons were just taken from our nanny at their school by our own PEW. My boyfriend is performing surgery and can't answer the phone, and I was on the phone with the nanny when the PEW said "I'm taking my sons," and got them out of the car. When asked if she wanted to speak with me, she just rolled her eyes and answered "no."

It has been a horrible road for us.

When I stumbled upon your website a few days ago, I was amazed at the similarities - not even similarities - it was almost verbatim. Last night, I showed my boyfriend page, after page, after page, after page from your site and after much reading and much silence and flabbergasted looks, he cried and told me he loved me for finding this site for him. No one has believed him when he says the way she acts, the horrible, unspeakable, poisonous things she does. He has questioned his own sanity, wondered if it was him all along. Your website has been a validation that has been priceless.

My boyfriend and I have been looking at engagement rings, and plan to be married within the year. But I dread the e-mails, the texts, the phone calls when she finds out we are engaged and tries to destroy what should be a happy time for us. We do the low-contact thing. He picks up her calls only on Wednesdays and other than that, only if there is an emergency. She texts and e-mails all the time, but most of them go without a response from him. But the low-contact has now "poked the skunk," if you will. She's angry. Very, very, very angry. She needs the attention. She craves it. Last month she told us the 4-year-olds mouth was bleeding and he had a fever. None of it was true. Do you have any advice?

We don't know how to handle this person. She has such a volatile personality disorder. There is zero consistency unless she has constant access to my boyfriend and/or gets her way 100% of the time.

If you have any pearls of wisdom you can offer us, we will devour them. We are not the happy people we used to be. We now obsess, and worry, and are consumed with contempt for this person, and don't know how to remove her from our lives to the point that we can survive.

~ADK

---------------

ADK & Partner,

You have our sympathies. We understand what you're going through. We do have some pearls of wisdom which we will preface by saying these are mere suggestions based upon our experiences and contacts with others. We are not experts as much as experienced veterans of a "divorce & custody war" that doesn't seem to have an end. The suggestions we make may not be the perfect fit for your circumstances. Some, you or others you may speak to, may not be something you wish to try at all. Several will prove very difficult for you to act upon because it goes against one's general good-nature.

Low-Contact can agitate the PEW. Too bad for her. As for you two, it's a matter of managing it the best you can. Much of her parenting, actions, reactions, etc. will trouble you to the depths of your very soul and you'll have to dig deep to be able to identify what is worth responding to and what is worth maintaining silence. You can only control the things you can control. You cannot control her parenting. You cannot control her reactions to your activities and parenting.

Suggestions:

- Make all contact via email only. Though you'll still have to weed through her viciousness, if there is anything that qualifies for a response (emergency related to the children or some other court sanctioned contact), you reply to that only and treat the rest as if it never existed. Copy yourself on every email you send and keep them filed and organized along with everything she sends you. If nothing in the email warrants a response - don't respond.

- If phone contact must be made, you stay on a single specific topic. If she goes on a tangent, hang up the phone. If she says one cross word, hang up the phone. I do this all the time to the point now that actual phone contact is rare. Very rare.

- If the child is sick on her custody time - it's "her problem." On the surface that sounds callous. It's not. It's part of the parallel parenting process. What happens on her time is dealt with by her on her time. What happens on your time is dealt with by you on your time. Regular sicknesses don't require anything but an informative contact, if that. I don't even like that because in our case, the PEW then has all kinds of suggestions and demands which is something I don't ask for and don't need. If she escalates, I ignore it.

The other very big part of the equation is your relationship. I can absolutely assure you that our relationship has experienced incredible frustrations associated with my PEW. You and your partner have to maintain open dialogue on how you're feeling. Try to avoid having PEW become the "most-common" thread between you - it's unhealthy and it's not a positive contribution to your relationship. I highly suggest you have a phrase you use or some activity you do when you've had enough of talking about the PEW. Both of you must respect one another's "stop sign."

Your partner must be able to hear and understand your frustrations with the situation without being defensive. You must be able to communicate your frustrations without being judgemental or becoming a blamer. He knows he's made a humongous mistake in choosing and marrying the PEW. It will stick with him forever. He doesn't need constant reminders.

Your partner must be able to put up and maintain boundaries under maximum "attack" from the PEW. Not only must he shield himself from the constant barrage of chaos and terror, he must shield you from it, and whenever he reasonably can - shield the children from it.

Block her phone number if you can. Get another number (2nd-line) which she can call to blather on into voice mail. Inform her that only calls to that line will get attention (maybe). Block her from texting you. Block block block.

The nanny pick-up interference has me alarmed, but without knowing the specifics of your custody order/arrangement, I can't give you any suggestions for that beyond - if she violates the custody order - you take action. Every single time, you take action. It may seem like a waste of time and money, but without showing her you're serious, she will continue to do it and get away with it. For a while, even the court may let her get away with it. Press on until you just can't emotionally or financially.

If you want to reply here with court order specifics regarding custody, we can discuss more about that here. In the meantime, click on the labels on the left here. Some of the topics that could prove helpful include: low-contact, borderline personality disorder, book reviews (the two I've done are very good and enlightening reading), fleas (will show some of how our relationship has been affected), step-parenting.

Your relationship will have this cancer on it as long as she lives and breathes. How you manage it will determine its success. You and your partner will have to be stronger than it seems you can be in order to navigate these rough waters.

Best wishes.

~LM & DW.

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JX writes: "The Most Astounding Thing Happened"

Hi LM and DW:

I just spent the past 3 days reading your blog - it was linked at a Yahoo! group for stepmoms I participate in. Holy Mary Mother of God, do you have your hands full! I'm lucky in that SOBF's (my husband's) Egg Donor (I saw one of your other reader calls hers that too, so much for my originality) is a lot less involved than yours and doesn't have email, but boy I can sure relate on a lot of the other issues.

The main reason I wanted to email is your campaign to get people to see the inequities in the family court system, and how they invariably favor the mother in any given circumstance. We have experienced this, too. I firmly believe the only reason SOBF has residential custody of his boys is because ED didn't want custody at the time they filed and divorced. She didn't retain her own attorney, agreed to everything that SOBF's attorney drew up, and in fact didn't even testify at their divorce hearing. We know now that she had a new boyfriend (she brought him to court with her, in fact), was planning on moving 1,600 miles away, marrying him and starting a new family in another state, and thought that the care of three children would be too hard or cramp her slutty style with the new boy; she appears to be under the assumption that she can just get custody of them at any future time she chooses. The sad fact is that she has every reason to believe this.

The thing I wanted to tell you about our situation (and you can read all about if you're so inclined at my blog, the link is below) is that when it came time to determine child support, the most astounding thing happened. While SOBF was in the service and ED had taken the children (against his will) back to their home state to dump them off at her parents' house while she ran around with the boyfriend of the moment, his check was garnished for nearly $1,000/month (on an enlisted man's salary, you do the math). When he got out of the service and moved back here, he had the children almost half the time, but was still required to pay her support. This he did, in cash (over my strenuous objection and advice to leave a paper trail). When I moved here, the kids moved in with us three days later, and he stopped paying support, after enrolling them in school in our district (which was not the same as her legal residence at the time, her parents' house - where she was actually not even living). She made not so much as a peep in argument about them living with us, despite that she had never met me (and in fact WOULDN'T meet me for 4 more months). Shortly after our move, SOBF started receiving letters and paperwork from child services, asking for information about health insurance provided for the boys, their residential address, and how much child support was currently being paid by SOBF to ED. After answering the third of these letters, he made a call and was informed that ED had been receiving public assistance for nearly a year, claiming non-payment of child support and lack of health insurance; this despite the fact that they were living with SOBF more than half time for most of that year, full-time for the rest, he had paid support until they moved in, and they were covered at all times under his health insurance with his employer. When SOBF informed the caseworker of these facts, he actually caught a break: she told him to forward to her proof of their enrollment in our school district and she'd close the case. However, there was no talk of prosecuting ED for fraud or making her pay back the money she had obtained from the state under false claims of nonpayment of court-ordered support.

Of course, SOBF should have filed the proper paperwork to modify the temporary orders, but at that time they were merely separated, and he didn't follow all the changes from transititioning out of the service, etc. He was lucky it all worked out so well.

I only told you all of that as background to what happened at their divorce hearing 6-months later. He was ordered to attend mandatory "Effects of Divorce on Minor Children" classes with the kids, which he did (and we have the certificate to prove). She didn't show. He came to court solo; she brought her boyfriend. He took the stand and clearly stated that his main focus was to get custody of his children; she declined to take the stand. He made no petition for child support, because as he stated to the judge, he just wanted his children and he knew if he tried to obtain support she would fight him and he'd lose his kids. The judge asked him this on three separate occasions to make sure, and was clear about informing him that if he ever changed his mind, he could come back and file a modification at any time. After all of that, they were awarded joint physical and legal custody, with their primary residence with SOBF. Joint physical and legal, despite that they live with us and had done so for nearly a year at that point. Huh. But the real slap in the face was this: since SOBF did not request support, none was ordered, but it was noted in the separation agreement that if support HAD been ordered, due to the discrepancy in their incomes, ED would have been ordered to pay $36 PER MONTH, IN TOTAL, for all three children.

The thing that bothers me about that is the hypocrisy; let's say for the sake of argument SOBF was making $15k and ED was making $35k (which is pretty close to the opposite at the time). Is it even remotely possible that a judge would have awarded her custody and completely let SOBF off the hook for support; or, if ordering it, order him to pay only $36 a month? Not bloody likely. More likely is that he would have been ordered to pay even if she didn't request support, and he would have been ordered to pay somewhere in the neighborhood of $600 a month, and told to go get another job if he couldn't afford that on his present salary. And THAT makes me sick to my stomach.

I have more and more and MORE stories, but I wanted to chime in and say I support 100% your efforts to point out that family law is a business, the courts and states are in it for themselves and not for the kids, and that fathers get the shaft more often than not. We were only lucky because ED is so stupid that it should be criminal, and she doesn't realize that by giving up custody, not paying support, moving out of state and remarrying she just gave up most rights to her kids - theoretically. All it would take, though, is for her to move back and present some kind of sob story to a sympathetic judge, and our whole lives would change. For that reason, I'm praying her new husband doesn't wise up any time soon.

Keep up the good fight, I'll be reading, as well as putting a link on my (insignificant, barely read, not often updated) little blog.

~JX

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JX,

A couple bits of unsolicited advice that you may have covered already. I preface this by saying that I am not an attorney and the following is not dispensing legal advice, simply my personal opinion on the matter:

- The financial paper-trail is so important and cannot be stressed enough. Cash payments are treated as a "gift" by the court unless your PEW actually writes a letter verifying the payments and the amounts. In an adversarial situation such as yours, that's highly unlikely and your SO would never get credit for any of those payments. ALWAYS by check and ALWAYS with "child support" in the memo field.

- I'm confused about the apparent fact above that the final order from the judge was joint physical and legal custody. If you're SO has sole custody, that's how the order should read and child support can be initiated at anytime, especially if she has moved out of state. Your state has and will keep jurisdiction and if a long-term status quo has established with whom the children are living, the order should read that way (and child support awarded accordingly).

- I'm not sure which state you're in, but many use the ludicrous "income shares model" which isn't about covering the basic needs of the children but about a redistribution of wealth from the higher earning parent (usually the father) to the lesser earning parent (usually the mother). The non-custodial parent, in all but the fewest states, always has to pay something based on custodial time and proportion of income. Perhaps your SO wants to leave well-enough alone or you could just clarify for me what the actual custody arrangement is. I'm curious.

Be confident in knowing that the longer the arrangement is in your favor, the harder it will be to get changed. That said, it's no guarantee, I read about countless mind-bending decisions made in family court every single day. It's just scary.

Thanks for the feedback and for spreading the word. It's much appreciated. Best wishes to you!

~LM

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Follow-Up To No-Contact/Low-Contact Post

Several readers have sent email after reading Appropriate Means of Contact With High-Conflict Personalities and the following was a great question:

Dear LM and DW,

I found your site today, and I am so grateful!

I think that establishing a low-contact relationship would be the best thing for me with my ex-husband. I am sick and tired of getting e-mails & voice mails which cause me to go on the defense about my life and parenting skills, and I'm suffering due to this as well. I could write a blog in itself about Inappropriately Replying to E-Mails, unfortunately. I definitely feel your pain!

Enough about my problems, though. Here is my question, and I've been unable to find this on the site. When you instituted your ultra-low/low-contact relationship with PEW, did you officially tell her or just start doing it? If you could fill me in or direct me to where on the site this is talked about, I would REALLY appreciate it.

Thanks a ton. I will be forwarding a link to your site to all of the divorced parents I know.

~LC

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LC,

I sense a little fear or apprehension as you consider moving towards low-contact. That's to be expected simply because you've been "reacting" for so long that you've been trained to respond that way. I struggle to this day with it and still occasionally make mistakes. It takes practice not to get caught up in the emotional response.

Answering your question - I let her know. Further, given my mad organizational skills - I knew exactly where to find the email I sent her on the very topic from April of last year. Here you go:

PEW,

I will once again ask for you to cease all of your abusive communications with me via email, phone, or any other medium.

You only should need to contact me with critical issues relevant to the children, and that you can do by phone. That would include things like they are hurt, in the hospital, something serious happened with regard to school, or some other serious trouble. The only exceptions to that requirement are governed by court-orders (vacation notice, changes in scheduling in keeping with the order, changes in pickup/dropoff location & times, etc.), or any situation where you choose not to comply with a court order.

If the children have a party or some other activity of interest that may conflict with custody arrangements, they have the capability of asking, you don't need to. No calls about weather reports, no calls asking for directions, no allegedly idle chit-chat. No contact regarding legal matters.

I will take care of the children when they are with me and you will take care of the children when they are with you.

This is a necessary step due to your inability to maintain any semblance of self-control, certainly via email, but as we've experienced - with just about any medium.

Contact in keeping with these appropriate arrangements should be made by phone and be devoid of any abusive, harrassing, or combative language. In keeping with the agreement(s), any changes that require approval by both parties in writing can be done after the situation is discussed on the phone.

Thank you,
LM

There you have it. Use it if you want with appropriate modifications to suit your specific circumstances. Since then, we've gone from phone to email primarily, but the rules are still the same. I reply to nothing that is outside of the scope of my boundaries. Neither should you. All phone calls from her number, unless I'm expecting a call from the children while they are with her - I