Interesting Educational Results! Let's Take a Look...

Shall we? These thoughts are obviously biased, but I'm really proud of all the children - they've all shown improvement or sustained their regularly high level of achievement. Today's discussion centers on S1 and S2. Keep in mind that I finally achieved shared custody mid-way through the second marking period (of 4).



How did S1 do?

S1 took some state standardized testing this year. Across all categories he finished at the higher end of the "advanced" spectrum. Yes, his parents deserve a lot of credit, but I must tell you, the bulk of his studying - he did, mostly without assistance, and did so consistently between the time 50/50 was enacted (November of 2007) and the end of the year when the tests were taken.

As for regular school stuff:

READING:

1st period: 90. 2nd period: 92. 3rd period: 90. FINISH: 96

In the subcategories, he scored a "3" (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them, all year long except one. In marking periods 1 and 2, he scored a "2" (needs support) in the category "Classwork, accuracy, timeliness, and neatness." Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

MATHEMATICS:

1st period: 80. 2nd period: 93. 3rd period: 98. FINISH: 94

In the subcategories, he scored a "3" (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

SPEAKING AND LISTENING:

No numerical grades for this category. In the subcategories, he scored a "3" (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long except 1. In marking period 1, he scored a 2 (Demonstrates skills with support). He finished up with three consecutive 3s in that category. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

WRITING:

1st period: 88. 2nd period: 86. 3rd period: 98. FINISH: 92

In the subcategories, he vacillated between a "3" (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) and a "4" (advanced level - with no support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

This was important, because despite his early high grades, the neatness of his writing was atrocious, but his content, sentence structure, and his ability to stay focused and provide details was always very good. His neatness, when he applies himself, is now very good and something I worked very hard with him to improve.

SCIENCE:

Only two marking periods for this: 3rd period: 94. FINISH: 93

In the subcategories, he scored a "3" (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Good work!

SOCIAL STUDIES:

Only two marking periods for this: 1st period: 91. FINISH: 90

In the subcategories, he scored a "3" (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Good work!

Art, music, library, physical education, and health - all 3s and 4s, though at one point he did have a 2 in music.

In work habits and social development he scored a "S"atisfactory or "G"ood across all categories.

Absences: Less than half the previous 2 years.

Teacher's Comments: S1 has shown great improvement this year in his work habits. I am very proud of how far he has come. Have a wonderful summer and good luck in the 4th-grade!


How did S2 do?

Being in 1st-grade, they still only do the scoring system 0 - 4. Here is how S2 measured up this year...

READING:

1st period: 2. 2nd period: 2. 3rd period: 3. FINISH: 3

In the subcategories, he scored a "3" (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period. In all 8 subcategories under reading, he went from 2s to 3s from the 1st-half of the year to the 2nd-half of the year.

I wonder if the fact that he tells me that mom doesn't read to him or with him and I do can be a good reason for some of the improvement?

MATHEMATICS:

Math was handled a little differently that all other concepts and there are no fewer than 20 separate categories under math covering counting, algebraic concepts, geometric concepts, measurement, data use and analysis, and numbers & operations.

In the subcategories, he was predominantly 2s and 3s in the first two marking periods in those items being covered. A "2" is Child is making adequate progress. Child appears to understand some concepts of problems and attempts to solve them. Child demonstrates an understanding of the concept of skill being assessed that is marginally short of what is expected."

By the end of the third marking period, S2 rated a 3 in all categories.

By the end of the year, S2 rated all 3s and 4s. A "4" is Child is making progress that exceeds expectations. Child solves problems correctly and demonstrates a sophisticated and and well-articulated understanding of the skill or concept being studied.

He finished with nine "4s" and thirteen "3s." In three of those categories, he was a 2 as recently as the 2nd marking period.

I watched this boy go from someone who was uncommunicative and frustrated with his lack of know-how to one who openly and frequently discussed the problems, looking for aid in understanding the problem-solving concepts - to getting snippy with me when I offered to aid him late in the year because "I can do it myself!"

(I made both boys into "private investigators" who use math tools to "solve the mystery" when doing math problems. It was a whole lot of fun when going over the "clues" together to solve the problems.)

SPEAKING & LISTENING:

In the subcategories, he scored a "3" (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long, except the troublesome ones. He rated 2s all year long in the sections for "listens to others" and "contributes to class discussions."

His inability to listen well and follow instructions (the two go hand-in-hand) would be the chief criticism of the teacher all year long... and one I worked on, at times, badgered him about, much the same.

WRITING:

In the subcategories, he scored all 1s and 2s to open the year. (A "1" = Does not demonstrate the skills, even with support). By the end of the 2nd-marking period, he was 2 in all categories except one in which he scored 3. By the end of the third marking period he was about half-and-half, four 2s and three 3s. By the end of the year, he scored a 3 across all categories. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

In social studies, science, physical education, music, and art - he was 3s all year long across the board.

In work habits and social development, he scored "S"atisfactory and "G"ood in all categories except those most critical. He closed with a "N"eeds Improvement for "listens attentively and follows instructions" and "demonstrates self-control."

Apparently, the teacher says he struggles with being easily distracted by his classmates and easily gets enticed into clowning around, which means he needs to be retold class instructions and such.

Absences: Less than half the previous two years.

Teacher's Comments: S2 has made great progress in reading this last marking period. To maintain this progress, I highly recommend that S2 continue reading every day during the summer. S2 has had some difficulty staying focused on his work. He was easily distracted by other students. I hope you have fun this summer and a great year in 2nd-grade.


Finally, a couple of my own observations:

- Improvement across the board for both boys in critical areas. S2 was the only exception with no great report cards on his classroom behavior and listening skills... which is kind of odd since he is the one usually listening at home and S1 is the one who needs to be told/reminded repeatedly about things.

- The results fly in the face of her oft-repeated assertions (as always, unsupported by any objective evidence) that their schoolwork (among other things) has been suffering since the custody change.

- The teachers did a great job. S1's teacher, in particular, was very communicative and worked hard to help see that S1 turned some things around in the work ethic department. S2's teacher, no so much in terms of regular communication. Despite a number of requests that went without response, I wrote asking her to inform me the same day of any 'negative events' so that I may address them immediately. This was a great help with S1 because regular reports quickly demonstrated for him that I was "in the know" on a near real-time basis and he wouldn't slide by without me knowing pretty much everything. The lack of cooperation in that regard, even minimally, with S2's teacher didn't help me, didn't help her, and obviously, didn't help S2.

Still, these two teachers did a fabulous job.

Am I taking all of the credit on the home front? Certainly not. This is more about showing again that real evidence disproves yet more hysterical claims of the PEW. I know what I do with the children regarding their educations (and activities) and in some cases, what she doesn't do - because the children tell me.

The kids were happy, healthy, and interested in "school" prior to the split & divorce and thrived in a classroom environment. While they continued to do well when I was NCP, there was some slight backsliding. Finally, since 50/50 and over the course of 2/3s of a school year - they're achievements are back up again.

I hope I can keep that momentum going in all future years, too!

Thanks to the teachers. The boys got great big "atta'boys" for their efforts and results during the year.

Now... getting S2 to wise up and pay attention in class next year...

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

Sensitive Objectives

In my inbox the other day comes a gem from POE, DW's ex-husband. It was actually copied to both of us. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

You see, SD1 is about to embark on a course of study to close out the school year called "Sensitive Objectives." You, like us, may be wondering what in hell that means exactly. Perhaps you already know that it's the new, nice-nice name for SEX EDUCATION! *cue sinister music* It's probably more along the lines of an early sex-ed, I mean, it's only 3rd-grade here, and is likely focused on the functions of certain body parts in addition to all of the rest.

The school sent a letter home which looked curiously like a warning letter. We could only laugh at "sensitive objectives" over and over again. Toss in a high level of comfortability on the part of DW and I and a little girl who "doesn't like to say the word penis" - we (see: I) made sure to use the word a lot during the ensuing conversations. It was quite funny.

Anyway... the email - the kind of email you get when you have a normal, friendly relationship with an ex-spouse, in this case, DW's ex-husband:


LM & DW,

So we are sitting at breakfast and SD1 says, "Hey dad I have health class today."

"Uh okay."

"LM said I should tell you that it's about sex and that we will talk about penises so you will be prepared and not faint."

"Uh..."

So is she really having the sex talk at school today and I have no idea about it until after they started to talk about it? Email me at work and let me know...this should be a fun week.

~POE


She makes me laugh with her frankness. That is exactly what I said to her, if only so that she had to hear the word "penis" and "vagina" again. These words don't seem to bother any of the boys, all SS1 could do is laugh at all of the penis and vagina talk.

My take is that it is more about the functionality of the parts more than it is a full blown (no pun intended) sex-education series of discussions. I guess we'll see when the reports come in... after all... IT'S POE'S WEEK! *whew*

We essentially told them (both, even though SD1 is the one getting this education) to be prepared for what is to be discussed and be comfortable asking us any questions that they may have.

Too funny.

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

For People Who Are So Smart, You're Idiots!

On Sunday, May 18th, 2008, we did a custody exchange for my week. For the fourth consecutive weekend, S2 was dropped off not feeling well. Only one of those weeks did it last into the week (not including this past week).

The week in summary went like this: Sunday, S2 had a fever. After an evening of Tylenol, fluids, and rest - Monday morning he woke up fine and went to school. He was fine all week long. Thursday, at aftercare at the school, he complained again of not feeling well. When I arrived, he had a "sick face" on but didn't have a fever when we got home, and in a little while, felt fine again. Friday morning, spry and excited for activities at school, no fever, he went. At 11:00AM, I get a call from the school nurse - he has a fever of 100.1 and is complaining of a belly-ache. I pick up both boys from school early since it was a half-day anyway. Tylenol and lots of water - by Friday night he is fine. Saturday he is fine but does get a slight fever Saturday evening. One dose of Tylenol and he is fine inside of 30-minutes. Sunday he is fine up to and through the exchange back to PEW.

Nothing too dramatic, S2 complained of nothing other than an occasional belly-ache when he did have a fever, but he ate everything all week long and didn't throw up or show any other signs of anything. Both boys were excited for the extended weekend and whatever it was that mom had planned for them.


LM,

I know you don't like getting these kinds of emails from me, but it's times like this when I really question your parenting...... You realize that you let S2 suffer from Sunday to Sunday with some kind of sinus infection or something?? You had to hear it in his voice and if he had a fever Sunday....then monday, then tuesday, then weds...and then had to get picked up friday early....obviously he need to see a Dr.

Why the hell didn't you take him to the Dr? Instead now he has to suffer through a holiday weekend SICK. It's not a virus, virus do not last for 8 days. So between you and DW, neither one of you had the common sense to take the kid to the Doctor? It is a mind blowing experience to be on the other side of parenting two children with you. I know you won't admit it, but you screwed up......and S2 could have been better by last tuesday. This is why, I lose sleep at night...worrying about what kind of mis-judgements you will make that could be potentially dangerous. Would you wait to take him to the Dr. until the fever got so high, he went into a coma or something? Then what? For people who are supposedly so smart, your idiots. I know you wont' respond because there's nothing to say.....except you're sorry to S2. And you can do that next week.

~PEW


For the record, I cut her email into paragraphs for easier reading. It was just one big giant paragraph - the usual when she is raging.

The email also demonstrates her uncanny and consistent ability to turn any seemingly mild ailment into a potential catastrophe, up to and including potential coma and death.

My initial reaction is to violate the low-contact principles that I often preach about and so many, myself included, have seen great success. That "Fantasy Email Reply" will close out this post. However, I reign myself in and choose the right path - since it is involving a matter pertaining to the children's well-being (specifically, S2's illness) - I respond and trim a lot of the "fat."


PEW,

- S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling "hot."

- He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it went up again on Saturday at Uncle Vincent's. He did not have a fever every day this week.

- Unless you took him to the doctor, please stop with your diagnosis. If you went to the doctor, let me know what he said, otherwise, stop the harassment.

- He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a "slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1." When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me "plenty of fluids and rest."

Let's not forget, either - he was sick "all of last weekend" and you did nothing. Further, he was also delivered to us sick the prior exchange, the exchange before that, and the exchange before that.

It might be time to consider exploring what you feed them (dietary changes) and what they have to drink (soda, juices, etc. to extreme). I would also remind you that when I had them "full time" last summer... neither S1 nor S2 were sick a single time. Check out the things you're doing and see if any changes may help. Since the custody change, they simply haven't been sick unless you've delivered them to us that way and they've always been returned healthy, except for this time... all of which can be documented.

Thanks,
LM


Yes, before you go beating me up, I realize that the last paragraph is full of "fat" much of which should have been excluded. Yes, I've also admitted that despite my low-contact advice - I am prone to slip beyond what is the minimum contact necessary on occasion.

Though she'll likely deny it - I thought it important to remind her that this would be the 4th time in a row she's delivered the children with at least one of them sick. I also know that she'll completely deny it because it's not in keeping with her believe that the opposite is "always" the case (projection).




LM,

You are lying. They have been sick since the custody schedule change while they were with you....more than once. S2 was not sick any of last weekend until sunday. Also, there was only one other exchage where they weren't feeling good..... I haven't delivered them sick repeatedly. I am the parent who actually takes them to the Dr. because I am not a cheapass, like you. He was asleep on monday night when I called at 6pm. Everytime I spoke to him he said his fever was going up and down. They both told me he almost wasn't able to go to school on tuesday. They aren't babies anymore, they know what fevers are and they know what the days of the week are. Both kids told me that you were pumping him full of Tylenol all week....you know that causes liver damage right?

They don't drink soda and juices to extreme and they eat a healthy diet over here. AND it's not the school nurses job to diagnose illnesses. It's up to the parents to take them to the Dr. when they have a continued unexplained fever for 7 days straight. When I take him to the Dr. I will ask if you called.....I'm sure you didn't because they would have told you to bring him in...I think after 10 years I should know. You're a lier and a cheapskate...that's why S2 is sick.

~PEW


Good grief - now the child is going to have liver damage on top of a coma.

This is when my responses will typically end. One contact. One explanation (if appropriate), and then just let her escalate if that is her desire. You can't reasonably discuss things with someone with such an uncanny ability to re-write history to suit her own arguments.

The reality is - when I call and explain that he has a fever and no other apparent symptoms (I did explain belly-ached, with no throwing up) - Tylenol, fluids, rest. Doctors do NOT want you to bring them in at the drop of a hat. We have immune systems to fight off regular ailments such as these and I have never refused to take the children to a doctor when appropriate or told to "bring them in."

For the record:

Child Hospital Visits Since Split: PEW = 4. LM = 0.

Child Doctor Visits Since Split: PEW = I lost count. LM = 1.

PEW visits the doctor so frequently because it makes her feel and appear like the "doting mother." DW and I, on the other hand, we just take care of the children when it's obviously in our power to do so.



THE FANTASY EMAIL REPLY: (Emails we'd like to send, but know better.)

PEW,

S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling "hot."

He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it spiked on Saturday at VAM's. Unless you took him to the doctor, here you go again acting like one yourself and we know how many times you've made "diagnoses" that were unnecessarily extreme and a complete figment of your imagination. From sun-poisoning, to tetanus, to coma and potential death - it's would be rather comical if I didn't think you actually believed your own tripe.

He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a "slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1." When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me "plenty of fluids and rest."

Let's not forget, either - he was sick "all of last weekend" and you did nothing. He was delivered to us sick the three prior exchanges, too. My guess is if you spent more time examining the things you do and the items you feed them, you might actually make a contribution to minimizing these types of incidents, too. Thanks for your concern, but you're latest, hysterical arm-chair diagnosis is nothing more than another excuse for your usual mindless raging anyway.

~LM

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

Normal or Not - You Make the Call!

I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. This one is for the readers to break down. Depending on the feedback, I'll toss my thoughts out there.

S2 turned 7-years old yesterday. PEW called as we were on our way to school in the morning and I passed the phone back to him and they chatted. Nice. Normal. No problem.

We had plans for the evening. It was a "boys night out" - just the three of us - and it was essentially whatever S2 wanted to do (within reason). Movies... popcorn... pizza... hockey... ice cream... gifts... stay up as late as they can handle. It was a blast.

In the middle of our festivities, my phone beeps and I find the following text message:


"Tell S2 again happy birthday for me. The day he was born was one of the best days of my life. It's special because it's always the same week as Mother's Day."


Okay, readers. You make the call!

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

Mark It Down - We Have a Civil Discussion

Monday morning (5/5), I receive the following email from PEW:

LM,

I meant to ask the boys....particularly S2 about what Mr. Neighbor said to him outside yesterday. I'm not sure if he said anything to S1, but there was more arguing and fighting between the kids this weekend and I thought I heard Mr. Neighbor say to the boys that "you don't want Dad to get involved if you're messing with my kids" If he said what I think he said, I'm going to go ballistic on him. The kids argue and I generally just send them home and I don't get involved with the petty details of why they were fighting in the first place and they spend ALOT of time over here. So I was going to say, if you have a problem with my children you don't talk to them, you talk to me. I am so pissed off I wish I remembered to ask the boys about that. Can you see what they say to you about it?

~PEW

It's been a while since I spoke of her next-door neighbors. These are the ones with two boys the same age as ours. The older one, we'll call him "Joker" - is about as scary a boy of 9-years old can be. He's got "that look" in his eye that I didn't like the moment I first saw him. This is the kid with a toy-gun arsenal that would impress a branch of our armed-forces. The one who used to shoot me to death if he was outside and I was doing an exchange at her house (back when I had to do that). This is the kid who's father bought him several bb-guns. This same child has apparently shot S1 and S2 on several occasions, which I didn't find out until far too much time had passed to actually do anything about it. Their latest purchase for their scary oldest son - a cross-bow. A real, true to life, powerful and deadly cross-bow. Just what I needed to hear.

Long story shortened, I've given the boys practical advice regarding these two "friends." When they act up, go home. If you see the guns or the cross-bow leave the house - go home. Tell mom to call the police and insist that the police confiscate them.

This communication from PEW gave me the opportunity to discuss the matter with her. The email was followed by an early morning phone call and I called her back about 10:00AM to find out what the situation was. This was an "urgent matter pertaining to the children."

Apparently, all of the kids have been fighting and arguing incessantly for some time. Unsurprisingly, PEW doesn't know how to manage such situations. Some of the weekend highlights included:

- Finally breaking down and when the neighbor kids got out of control, told them to leave. "Joker" would not leave. Sat down, put his feet up on the table, and just stayed despite her repeated pleas to leave the house and get home.

- After said ejection, both boys, Joker and his younger brother we'll call "Goblin," began an incessant "knock-knock zoom-zoom" effort. (Ringing the door bell and running.)

- They created and held up graphic signs indicating the S1 and S2 should "suck their..."

- Apparently, her "wonderful neighbors" recently had a new baby and they don't spend a whole lot of time with the older two... not that I believed that they've been all that great at parenting them before the newborn. According to PEW, she allows them to run wild, and the first place they typically run is her house and "she doesn't know how to handle it."

- Joker and Goblin regularly barge into PEW's home uninvited, but according to the boys, she never really does anything about it and expects them to play with Joker and Goblin - even when they really don't want to.

- They dumped trash on her porch after being ejected.

Still, PEW did nothing except tell the boys to stop looking out the window. As she would tell it, by the time she was compelled to call next door, one or both parents had taken care of it.

So, without blaming her for history, I reminded her of my concerns regarding Joker and Goblin going way back. I expressed deep disappointment at the bb-gun incidents, but since it was water under the bridge, we would decide how to handle it going forward. We spoke of our mutual fear regarding the addition of a real-life cross-bow to Joker's aresenal.

What was the real purpose of her call? She wanted ME to call the neighbors and address the issues with them.

I told her that while I sympathized with her situation, there was simply no way I was going to get involved in her disagreements with her neighbors. That was her situation to handle and I would not be injecting myself into it unless something happened that warranted my intervention - and that intervention would involve the police. In the interim, it was her responsibility to address the situation with her neighbors. She even tried to play the "I'm a woman" card, telling me that she thinks that Mr. Neighbor (allegedly) said what he said because she's a woman and figured that there was no man there to challenge him. For that reason, I should come down there and do something about it. Well, Mr. Neighbor is about the size of a racehorse jockey and probably intimidates few. Further, PEW isn't the size of a racehorse jockey and could probably take him if it ever got physical. Her neighbors, her issue with which to deal.

My suggestions to her were as follows:

- If the children come over uninvited, ask them to leave once. Then call the parents to come retrieve their children and remind them to teach them respect for their neighbor's home.

- Call Mr. and Mrs. Neighbor and tell them their children are no longer welcome at your home for "a while." A month. The summer. I don't care. The boys don't like them. We all fear them. They're not welcome.

- Express your feelings regarding Joker being in possession of bb-guns and now a cross-bow.

- THE BIGGIE: If you or the children ever see the bb-guns or the cross-bow ever come out of your neighbor's house, call the police. I don't care if you have to LIE and tell the cops the child pointed it at you. Call the police, get them there, and insist that they confiscate the weapons.

- I told her AND more important, S1 and S2 - if they see those weapons again, they are to call me right away.

I didn't put any blame on her. I didn't tell her that this should have been addressed a long time ago. I simply made suggestions how she might want to handle things going forward, even if it meant the neighbors didn't like her. The boys deserve that protection from these two tyrants and their disinterested parents.

She listened and not for even an instant did she deviate from the discussion. She thanked me at the end of our conversation. Soon thereafter, I received the following email:

LM,

Thanks for letting me vent this morning. I spoke to Mrs. Neighbor and told her what I thought I heard. I told her I think the kids need to take a break from each other for a while. She was fine with that and agreed that they've been fighting alot. We'll see after a few weeks.

I agree with you about the crossbow. it's supposed to be put away unless he's supervised.

~PEW

I'm guessing she soft-shoed it, which isn't something I would have done, particularly given the history with the bb-guns and all the other outrageous behavior I've heard about from the boys. BUT... at least she took some action and hopefully the appearance of putting her foot down is a start.

My reply to the above:

PEW,

It was an urgent matter pertaining to the children. Given the stories I've heard, I'm concerned about their safety, particularly with regard to the bb-guns and now the cross-bow.

I pray that if you ever see them out in the open with those weapons, you'll call the police. Joker clearly cannot handle such responsibility and his level of "supervision" is obviously seriously lacking. I just told the boys when they told me the stories about getting shot... if they're out with weapons - you go inside... period. Tell mom. She'll take action.

Please let me know about anything involving Joker and his "arsenal." There is a lot of risk there.

I'll let you know what their version of events is tonight. I think the "break" was the right thing to do. Here's hoping Mr. Neighbor is made abundantly clear about the arrangement by Mrs. Neighbor.

~LM

I spoke to the boys after school and neither of them have any recollection of Mr. Neighbor saying anything to them, let alone what PEW believes she heard from her front porch. No big deal to me, mind you, the situation needed to be addressed regardless.

LM,

Mrs. Neighbor says, he doesn't have any bb's and the bow is away. If that changes I will certainly take action. She agreed that they need the break too. She also assured me that she was going to talk to Mr. Neighbor about the way he handled it. I'll wait to hear from you about what the boys say.

~PEW

So, it appears for now that we're all clear about how things are going to be going forward. I was certain that when I refused to "be the bad guy" on her behalf, that would be the end of the discussion, but she (for now) took it in stride. I don't want to have to "wait" until something more serious happens (like another bb-gun attack or a cross-bow mishap) - but given how I'm likely portrayed in that neighborhood anyway, the LAST thing I need to be doing is strolling on into that clusterflod and being the big, bad concerned father who will then fit exactly what she has described to them.

Her neighbors. Her problem. She needs to deal with it. And if something like the bb-gun incident happens ever again and I hear about it - they'll all pay a very steep price. Hopefully, it won't be because one of the boys lost an eye or was found in the driveway with an arrow sticking out of his chest.

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

How Do You Teach Children Commitment, Loyalty, Responsibility?

Answer: Well, it wouldn't be by letting them out of their Scouts commitment because "they don't feel like doing it."

These are the days that can be so frustrating. It's not my custody week, but last night, the last official Pack Meeting was scheduled and it was going to be fun and interesting - as most of them are. The big feature for yesterday, a beautiful, sunny day, would be the parent/scout kickball game. The weather was perfect for it, too.

Giving PEW the kind of respect I don't often get, I sent a text message to find out if it would be an imposition if I attended tonight. The reason I do this is because I don't want her imposing herself on any activities that occur on my custodial period. That doesn't stop her, but I don't much mind. I do probably make too much of an effort to do what *I* perceive to be "the right thing." The secondary reason? I had a sneaking suspicion that she wouldn't take them anyway. She certainly isn't in any shape to participate in a kickball game and is the picture of a sedentary, food & drink consuming lifestyle.

I was correct in my suspicion as confirmed by her at the last minute while I was getting ready to roll out. She is that predictable.

I was going to go to the Pack Meeting anyway. Yes, a little part of me wanted to be asked by another parent or the leader just so I could say, "Well, they're with mom this week and decided that they just didn't want to participate. I thought I'd come to help out and have fun with the Pack anyway." I'm disappointed because I managed to develop some decent relationships with other parents over the course of the last 6-months insofar as activities and interactions within. This would have been a tremendous amount of fun, I'm sure. I turned around half-way there after chatting about things with DW on the phone. Among the reasons:

- It wasn't worth it and could backfire.

- It could look creepy that you would come to play with the other children while yours weren't in attendance.

- People would wonder why you didn't just go get the kids and bring them and you certainly didn't want to have to be put on the spot explaining that one, if anyone was even bold enough to ask. They would certainly wonder.

This really sucks. A couple of other things come to mind. I could offer to pick them up and take them myself! No. No, I couldn't. I avoid doing anything that involves me going to her home for a pickup/dropoff unless absolutely necessary. I'm sure undermining her decision to allow the kids to dictate their attendance at the Pack Meeting would have been cause for a confrontation. She could simply say, "no" - which is another confrontation. Or, the kids would be resistant that I was "forcing" them to go and there would be a scene. That's not something I want to happen on "her turf."

She contributes almost nothing to their scouting effort. She hasn't gotten them their new books since they've moved up a level. The boys regularly tell me that mom does nothing with them regarding Scouts while with her (aside from attending meetings sometimes with them). This is the case despite her signing S1 up for Scouts. She didn't sign S2 up because he "didn't feel like it." I got him in 3-months after it started and caught him up on my time when I explained to him the types of activities and lessons he would be missing as a result of not feeling like it. He's loved it.

I've worked very hard to instill the commitment, loyalty, teamwork, responsibility - all hallmarks of the scouting effort. Yet, when mom decides to balk and let them out of their responsibilities because the truth is - she doesn't feel like doing it - it ruins it. It really does.

Now, when I get them on Sunday, we'll be having a discussion about all of those things and how I'm disappointed that they simply "didn't feel like it" doesn't meet with my approval. I get to be the big ogre right out of the gate for the week. Too bad for me. These are important lessons and if I'm going to be the one repeatedly trying to reinforce these important lessons, it is something I'll simply have to deal with. Perhaps a lesson in how their day-to-day lives would be impacted if I just "didn't feel like" doing certain things is in order.

It just chaps my ass that instead of being with their Scout Pack, they're probably home watching television, playing video games, or doing some other non-value added activity that teaches them nothing but the laziness that their mother instills in them. Another opportunity for a fun physical activity and exercise wasted.

I really wanted to go despite their absence, but I think DW made some very valid points during our discussion and the potential negative consequences were too much to risk for the sake of being an adult participant with the Pack tonight.

I wonder if the few who criticized my decision to keep S1 out of a Den activity earlier this year as "sending the wrong message" would feel as strongly about Mom's choice to not go because they didn't feel like it (including mom)? At least back then, the decision was made due to S1 getting in a physical confrontation at school.

I'm very disappointed.

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email

PEW Fails to Show Up for Her Custodial Time

(File under: Once an agreement is in place, she will unagree.)


Commentary by DW:

A little look into how we handle minor things by using humor and then getting fed up with it all. Our instant message exchange looked like this:

LM: PEW is causing problems.
LM: Texted her to avoid another problem...
DW: shock!
LM: "Meet at [supermarket] at 5?"
LM: She replies... "You're dropping them off here this week, remember?"
LM: lol, I responded..."I remember you giving an order that I didn't agree to. See you at [supermarket] at 5."
DW: I hate her
LM: Her reply just came. I won't respond to it. "LM, [the supermarket] is a mile for ur house, not halfway." Dumbass. We agreed to a mutual meeting place between homes. Not exactly half way.
DW: she will never stop
LM: What does she want to do, drop them off at the intersection of B...... and Y... Roads in the left-hand turn lane? lol
DW: yes, but then it will be too unsafe, those big scary roads
LM: LMFAO!!!
DW: so you'll have to go to her house
LM: Good one!
LM: OMG, LM! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW OVERCAST IT IS OUTSIDE!
DW: lol
LM: I CAN'T DRIVE IN THIS!
DW: I'm sick, I've been sick for 20 years, HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO MMEEEEEEE
LM: Text one...K-Mart is halfway
LM: Text two...K-Mart at 5.
LM: Text three...Are you telling me that you're not bringing the boys home?


It just never ends. You go to court and make sure that literally every single little thing is set from where the meeting place is, to what time. Yet, she still thinks she is in control. Here'sthe kicker. She IS. It's because we have to drive nearly 4-hours to get home. So, if she doesn't show up, what are our choices? We kidnap the kids and take them to our home state, because otherwise we miss our other appointments, like picking up MY kids and working the next day. Or we cowtow to her demands and take the kids where she wants. How do you make these choices? When does it end?


Background by LM, the not-so humorous part:

The above instant-message exchange making light of the initial situation was helpful at turning another frustrating situation into something lighthearted, but unfortunately, that is where the "humor" part of this ended.

On Sunday, April 13th, 2008 (as with all Sundays) we were supposed to meet at the agreed-upon supermarket for our custody exchange. This typically happens between 4PM and 5PM and has been done, with few agreed-upon exceptions, since October of 2007.

This Sunday would suddenly be different, if she were to have her way.

A couple of weeks ago, she had asked me to confirm my address. The experience of 4/13 would yield why. She googled it and looked up the distance between our cottage and her house. Total distance = 9-miles. Then she realized that the exchange point isn't exactly half-way and she started making a major issue out of it, which I mostly ignored. The only part I didn't was to respond to her edict that "we will now be doing drop-offs at each other's homes each week." My simple reply was, "no, we won't." The rest of her mindless ranting I simply ignored.

The exchange point is 2-miles from my home making it 7-miles from her home. The total distance in question = 2.5 miles. Total drive-time in question = approximately 3- to 4-minutes. We came upon this exchange point spur of the moment, during the court proceedings of November of 2007. When the Judge Contempt asked us where the meeting place would be, we started tossing out some places we knew between us. When I tossed out this particularly supermarket, she said, "Oh, that's great! That'll work. That's right near where I work." And so it was... until she decides it no longer is.

As I am leaving to go to the exchange point, she texts me that I am bringing the kids to her home, which DW detailed above. I reply that I'm not and will see her at the exchange point at 5PM. She then texts me a new location, a K-Mart that is closer to her home. I continue to ignore it. By this time, I'm already at the exchange point.

During the period of time that I am describing, she will send me no fewer than 15 text messages, nearly one after the other.

She phones. I ignore what she is saying and simply reply, "We're here waiting for you. I'll wait as long as you need because I understand you're delayed. We're going into the pizza-joint to eat and we'll remain there until 6PM." The boys and I go in, order, and eat a nice plain pie. The texts start and keep coming over the course