The Beginning of the Never End

Christmas 2003 itself was relatively uneventful, though, it wasn't without the annual pre-holiday drama which really starting the ball rolling towards the filing for divorce in early 2004. I was beginning to "shut-down" (sort of) in that I just avoided interacting with her in any capacity because the end-result would be chaos.

Rather than debate about things via email or over instant-messaging, when the latest round of things that were bothering her cropped up, I told her I wouldn't hear of them unless she put them in writing as recommended by a previous counselor. That way, there were no volume issues and there hopefully would be no issues where she could go on an unrelated tangent. It was 12/3/2003.

I've whacked-up this handwritten exchange to make it easier for you to follow. She listed 4 things she had issues with. I would respond. Rather than lay them all out in a big bunch with my response, I'll do each issue individually and my response.


PEW writes:

#1 - I don't feel like you really care about me based on your actions the other day with regard to the party. S1 was not sick. He was excited about going to [your niece's] party. It was one hour. I was up all night with S2 and I had to work. It sure seems selfish to me.

LM replies:

I'm sorry you feel that way. As I explained to you during our verbal discussion on this topic, my choice not to go was based on 2 things - I was up as well and I was tired. Additionally, while you believe otherwise, I felt S1 shouldn't go to the party due to his being sick. He was diagnosed on Friday. It was Sunday. While he was excited for the party, it wasn't appropriate to expose others to his illness as well. As he acquired a high fever and was vomiting half the night after the party, it is clear that I was correct.

Furthermore, I told you that you shouldn't go and you chose to. You claim I "don't care about you" because I didn't take S1, but you forgot the following:

1 - You had the option to stay home. I didn't "make" you go anywhere.

2 - I chose to stay home with a very sick S2, and while taking care of him, managed to do 5 loads of wash, too, among other small housework chores.

You - Party. Me - Stay home with a sick S2.

That doesn't seem very selfish to me.


PEW writes:

#2 - On Thanksgiving, you could have handled yourself differently. You made a scene whether or you believe it or not. There were 8 people there that can attest to that. I'm tired of going to family functions and having to worry about if someone is going to rub you wrong. You see my family so infrequently that you could overlook my sister's annoying comments.

LM replies:

On Thanksgiving, as detailed during our verbal discussion, your sister repeatedly needled me about being "cheap," and refused no fewer than 3 respectful requests that I not be part of your family's pollyanna. After the 5th wisecrack about my being cheap, in an exasperated voice - I told your sister (again) that it had nothing to do with money (emphasis on "do").

Now, you first acknowledge that she was needling me, then disavowed any knowledge of her needling me. I can't help that. However, when I firmly expressed that it was not about money, she stopped poking fun at me.

I see your family several times each month, so I have no clear understanding of your claim that it's infrequent, nor do I see the relevance of this (non)issue. I kindly expressed my desire to not join pollyanna no fewer than 4 times.


PEW writes:

#3 - I went out tonight to get a coat and I felt like you were busting on me for being gone so long. Then when I got back you came downstairs and left me to get the boys ready for bed, as if "you were done." I was at my wits end with S2 after ALL DAY.

LM replies:

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. You, having previously laughed at my jokes about you "stepping out" - I thought you knew I was kidding and I will not joke like that again.

As for "leaving you" to get the boys ready for bed, it was nothing that wouldn't have been remedied with a simple call upstairs.

Remember now, after retrieving the groceries from the car, assisting with unpacking and putting them all away, you gave the boys a snack and were talking on the phone. As that was going on, I went down to check email and reply to some. All you had to do was call me and, as I always do, I would have come running.

As I have previously expressed to you - just call if you need me. It's a far better option than not and being mad at me for not being a mindreader. Too often, there is an expectation of knowledge followed by your anger, all of which can be avoided by talking and communicating.


PEW writes:

#4 - Money is going to be an issue at Christmastime. I can't afford all the gifts, groceries, and tuition, and copays on my meager salary and I'm always afraid to approach you about it because it seems like you think I should be able to afford everything. Like the boys could use dress shoes for the holidays. I could use some clothes, too.

I'm tired of everything being work work work for me and never getting anywhere

LM replies:

If money is going to be tight, then we are going to have to check our spending this holiday season. While I do have certain expectations that you could handle your gas, groceries, and other necessities (clothes for you/kids) and what-not - there is NO accounting for your money. You work, conservatively, 16-hours per week and should be bringing home roughly $160-$200/week. That's somewhere around $700 per month conservatively. That should take care of a bunch of stuff, meanwhile, your credit card is over $2,000 (at least, the last time I saw a statement) and you want to spend money we clearly don't have.

You can't have it both ways. I've been after you to work with me on a budget for years to no avail. You want to have and spend and do more with no responsibility for doing what is within our means.

If you need me to cover things for which you feel "solely" responsible, you have to let me know. But you also have to understand that things need to change, WE need to spend more responsibly, and do it now - not after "charging" the holidays - which is what you told me you were going to do and "there was nothing" I could do to stop you.

Again - YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE.


PEW writes:

Okay, so let's say that I get $700/month. That is $400 to groceries per month. $220 per month for tuition. $60-$80 on baby sitting. $80 per month for gas. Where does the accounting come in? That is OVER my earnings.

I am communicating that I am going to buy gifts for people. In lieu of cash that I don't have, I WILL charge. Just lettin' you know.

P.S. $100 worth of groceries is nothing. It isn't even a full cart!

LM replies:

For the record, I said $700 was a conservative estimate. Most, if not all, of the time you work 3-days per week and less frequently - more than even that. At 20-hours per month it's $900/month. At 24-hours, it's almost $1,100/month.

Previously, I've NEVER asked for you to account for your spending. The ONE TIME I've seen a credit card statement from you, I asked that you "keep it in check. because it went from $300 to $2,000 in 3-months - all while working these hours.

Just know this - the more you charge - the less we can afford to do. That's on you. I believe you make more than $700/month, but in addition to never seeing a credit card statement from you - I've never seen a paystub, either.

I can work on creating a budget with you - if YOU'RE willing. Just so we're clear, based upon the work calendar in the kitchen - here is how much you've brought home the last 5-months: $1,164. $1,164. $1,248. $1,248. $1,081. You're also slated to make around $1,200 this month. "So let's say," eh?


Did I mention pathological liar, too? She was so busted it wasn't even funny, acting like the poor, put-upon destitute hard-working wife who only brought home $700/month. She even took the extra step of showing me how the things for which she was responsible exceeded her monthly take-home income of "$700."

You would be right if you guessed that exposing her for lying ended this paper discussion right in it's tracks. The thing that astounds me to this day is that in addition to her take-home income - there would be discovered the small matter of in excess of $5,000 in credit card charges over the last 6-months of 2003. So... she spent $12,000 in 6-months and literally had NOTHING to show for it.

As for the Thanksgiving complaint - she was wrong about that, too. Her oldest brother and both sisters-in-law, after the fact, told me that I showed great restraint and that PP had no business badgering me like that and... "she deserved worse."

As for the other issues - no need to comment on them for this post - my replies are self-explanatory, if wasted on THE PEW.

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Wishing She Could Let Mom & Dad Care for Her

Yeah, I know... again with the "I'm having a breakdown" cry. Despite being a regular occurrence, many of which were documented - I remind you that these and her suicide threats didn't concern custody-evaluator-3 in terms of PEW's ability to be a parent to the children.


PEW: are you going to the post office at lunch
LM: yes, You?
PEW: no, [my SIL] was wondering if you could take something for her
LM: yes
PEW: ok. OMG.....i can't take it when S2 whines. first he poked himself in the eye. are you there?
LM: yes. I'm starving. lol
PEW: sorry i know you're busy.....but I gotta tell ya......
LM: Just type. I'm reading.
PEW: i feel like i'm having a breakdown or something
LM: oh dear.
PEW: between the dreams and feeling just very nervous and anxious and the whining....and us fighting.......i feel so overwhelmed. and work.......
LM: I wish I knew what to tell you.
PEW: me too because i feel very alone. i wish i could go home and let my mom and dad take care of me for awhile
LM: Why don't you go down the shore or something for a weekend. Take a break.
PEW: when, i have work
LM: What's more important?
PEW: being alone isn't going to help me feel better or less anxious, our anniversary is this weekend and we're not even "together", going away isn't going to solve anything
LM: ok


Well, at least this was a short one, right?

I can't help but think to myself, if I poked myself in the eye today, I would whine like a 2-year old.

Additional thoughts - that not only was PEW incapable of recognizing just how serious a problem she has, but no one around her had the ability to either recognize the depth of her issues or gave enough of a crap about them to see to it that perhaps she got some real help. Of course, given the pathology that is rooted in her own family, it probably is a bit much to have expected.

Also, this is a prelude to another holiday season. It's the week before Thanksgiving in 2003.

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I'm Gonna Tell My Dad!

On September 25th, 2003, PEW starts a fight about me allegedly being selfish. She against describes "having a breakdown." She demanded that I cancel plans to have some of my family over to celebrate S1's birthday. She demanded this not because anyone was sick, but because she didn't like me talking to one of my brothers about motorcycles. She closes by threatening to leave again and, of course, take the kids with her.


PEW: i'm having a freakin breakdown
LM: Whassa matter?
PEW: everything. cancel tomorrow night. i'm not up for it. and S1 is sick
LM: ok. Why don't you and J.. go out or something? That way, if he's feeling better, I can still have them over?
PEW: you're such a selfish bastard i'm so sick of this


Okay. I can handle having people over without her being there. I even suggest that she go out with a friend - no problem. This makes me selfish.


LM: What are you talking about?
PEW: it's all about you. always
LM: Ah, the dreaded AIM attack.
PEW: whatever, well I'll hold the rest till you come home at lunch
LM: I'm really sorry I can't get home.
PEW: kiss my ass
LM: Amazing your mood swings again. 3 days ago... pissed off miserable. Last two days... happy and funny. Today... pissed off miserable. Unreal. All because I can just up and walk out of work today.
PEW: talk about mood swings. you're the king of that shit. at least I have a reason. i have actual stress
LM: If you say so.
PEW: you act like it's news that i'm sick of this. that i'm sick of you
LM: How is it you go from wanting a divorce 3 days ago... To lovey dovey kissy face hiney pinch the last two days... To, freak out on LM again today? That's mood swings. I never do that to you. Never.
PEW: because I pray that you'll be different...then you just prove how selfish you are again and again selfish to the core
LM: Selfish how? Because I can't leave work?
PEW: worried about motorcycles and having your brothers over.... you don't give a rats ass about what I have going on
LM: I'm not worried about motorcycles.
PEW: as usual, bull
LM: Hey, it's okay that you can drop and go to your family's whenever.
PEW: you can drop and go to your family anytime too....you're just too lazy to
LM: I want to have my family over to wish S1 a happy birthday... and you want to put the kibosh on it... and have the NERVE to say I"M selfish. And it's about ME. Hysterical.
PEW: HE"S SICK, ass
LM: How many times have you taken the boys out "sick" PEW?
PEW: I have to take an exam tomorrow. the only ones left coming are CAM and [wife].


This wasn't a big production we're talking about here. When the original cook-out was planned, several of the boys' Uncles were out of town and couldn't attend. So, I asked a couple of them over for some coffee and cake - a short visit to wish S1 a happy birthday and see his cousins. This was really no big deal, but as with most things - it was apparently a set of catastrophic circumstances with which the PEW was unprepared to handle like an adult.


LM: S2 was sick when you took him last night?
PEW: do you really think they want [niece] to be around sickness
LM: How about when you took him down your parents Tuesday night?
PEW: yeah because there are no children there
LM: Ohhhh... so it's not about his being sick... it's about other children now? I see. It's about you. Not being there. Isn't it? You have something to do.


Ah, yes - the "do as I say, not as I do" edict. So, here she is claiming that S1 is sick and that he shouldn't go out. We shouldn't have visitors. Well, I ask her about her going to her families and other places with the children when they're sick. That's okay, according to her. Having my brother, his wife, and my niece over to wish S1 a happy birthday apparently was not proper protocol.


PEW: what are you talking about. like what?
LM: You wanted me to cancel because you have to go take your test. Now, S1 has a red throat, and you conveniently have a different excuse.
PEW: I have to take the test before 4
LM: I see.
PEW: it doesn't impact people being over
LM: Okay.
PEW: but this isn't about his birthday. he had a birthday celebration. so it's not about him.....
LM: It is about him. Was CAM and [wife] there? MJM and [wife]?
PEW: and we know you don't care that I'm stressed and don't feel like cleaning
LM: What party did we have for him?
PEW: MJM and [wife] can't come
LM: Oh... that's right... YOUR family.
PEW: that's not my fault. you're family couldn't be here on his birthday
LM: I want to invite my family over, and can't... because YOU don't want it.


Borderlines like to isolate their targets from everyone that means anything to them. Friends, family, children... if it isn't all about them - it's just wrong. This demonstrates that tactic which PEW used often.


PEW: no S1 is SICK and I have a night off
LM: Well, I'll let CAM and [wife] decide.
PEW: I don't feel like entertaining
LM: Go out if you don't want to be there. Go visit your mom. Go visit your sister.
PEW: fuck you
LM: Go out with J... 3 times I've rescheduled this thing.
PEW: i'm waiting to talk to my Dad. I think I am moving back home with the kids you can't stop me
LM: No you're not. Watch me.
PEW: a judge will decide not you
LM: ok


There I go being selfish again. If you don't want to entertain - go out. See a friend. Go relax somewhere. I'll take care of everything. Of course, this was simply about inconveniencing me and isolating me (and the kids) from my side of the family.


PEW: so anyway....... I can't help the fact that I have to work
LM: I know. Really. I do.
PEW: well when I start working full time, what are you going to do? I mean it can't always be me? does anyone else have small children there? what do they do? the ones who's wives work
LM: I don't know. Daycare? I don't really concern myself with what other people do.
PEW: well i'm asking because it seems like lately your just like oh well PEW, it's your problem
LM: It's not "your problem." It's our problem. Is it your expectation that, if we can't get coverage in a situation like this, I should call out?
PEW: i'm not asking you to call out......i'm saying I called out on Tues.... I had to take S2 to the dentist with me and to the therapist. I have a test tomorrow at [the college] that I have no coverage for..... a meeting with [boss] monday.....no coverage...... and today I took S2 with me to the chiropracter last week.......and the dentist and the doctors. do you ever have to do that? sometimes I gotta have both kids with me
LM: Look, I know you can't do it for everything... but the first thing I do is try to set my appointment at times that I don't have to worry about that. I make Dentist appts. before work. I make Dr. appts. over lunch. Or after work. Or on the weekends.
PEW: yeah me too.....but I work at night and on the weekends. you have no idea do you?
LM: I do.
PEW: just that you would say that.....tells me that you don't. I work almost all saturdays
LM: Do you have to work "all Saturdays?"
PEW: and 2-3 nights during the week. if I want money. yeah i do
LM: That's not what I asked. No, you don't. You don't HAVE to work all Saturdays.
PEW: well i certainly can't pick up more days during the week in lieu of saturdays
LM: You can make appts. over lunch time when I can be home... and sneak out a little early and go back a little late.
PEW: then I wind up with this situation. the kids get sick.....SIL can't babysit.......i'm screwed
LM: If you have to make a Drs. appt. - then what you can pick up shouldn't be that important.
PEW: well i make my schedule a month a head of time
LM: If the kids get sick, and we can't get a babysitter... work is going to have to allow you to come in two hours late. Until I get home.
PEW: that's not always possible. i've done that several times already. your work is going to have to let you leave early
LM: No, it isn't.


PEW is the master at putting herself in the position of being put-out. She is the master of victimhood. Even when faced with simple, logical, convenient ways to handle her regular "impositions" - she simply cannot accept them. Only making adjustments to suit her ever-changing demands which are most inconvenient for me and, at the time, potentially put the job at risk - are the solutions she wants. Leave work when I say. Go when I say. When I say "jump" - you say "how high." Simple, logical solutions which put the onus on her to plan appropriately and when I could most easily accommodate those scheduling glitches were simply not doable.

For me, the choice was simple and I held my ground:

1 - Take the children with you when you have to do these things.

2 - Go when I can most easily be able to be there to accommodate them, like I do, with the fewest exceptions.

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Ready to Make Love to the Dog After 2-1/2 Months

Not me! Her! I had the Kung-Fu Grip!

While discussing some broader issues, the root of this August 25, 2003 exchange occurred the prior day. When PEW had come home from work, I was downstairs with the boys playing and watching some television. When I heard the door open, we stopped what we were doing and I said to the children, "Hey guys! Mom is home! Run upstairs and say hi, ask her how her day was!" When they charged up the stairs to greet her, I moved to the sofa and laid down.

PEW came down the steps a few minutes later. I had my eyes closed. When she sat down, I opened my eyes and immediately saw "the face." What had I done now? Well, when she saw me laying there with my feet up and eyes closed, she thought I was sleeping. The television on and the incomplete board game didn't clue her in to the reality that we were just playing a game. My telling her that I wasn't sleeping didn't help. She just went off, launching into another patented expletive-laced tirade about sleeping while the children are running around the house unmonitored, how unsafe it was, etc. I responded angrily, without all of the foul language.

Interestingly, this exchange remains fairly civil, despite it being another head-spinner.


PEW: listen, we are going to have to make time to talk or go to the therapist or something
LM: Ok. No problem.
PEW: I'm very frustrated. I honestly feel like you're constantly picking at me. i can't stand it
LM: Ok
PEW: the longer things go, unaddressed, the worse I feel......and you just say ok?
LM: It depends. It seems if we chat via IM, things degrade quickly. If you want to do it in counseling, I'm fine with that. I apologized yesterday for giving you the impression that I was picking on you. You have a knack for taking an isolated incident, and turning it into "always picking on you." And despite your claims to the contrary, even an immediate apology isn't enough. I just wanted to make something for dinner for everyone.
PEW: well unfortunatly this is why things degrade....because you refuse to take ownership. I can't tape record our entire lives
LM: What part of "I'm sorry for giving you that impression" isn't "taking ownership"


Psychobabble-speak tends to annoy me pretty quickly. I'm not sure if she was reading books or talking to other disgruntled wives, but the phrase "taking ownership" in this context immediately makes me roll my eyes. Thank goodness we were on instant messenger. "Take ownership." Please.


PEW: we don't spend THAT much time together these days, but when we do, you seem to be making snide comments about things or criticizing
LM: What snide comments about what?
PEW: this isn't new
LM: Again, since we "made up" - yesterday was the only bad thing. Unless you're talking about your going out to Acme for a few things and coming back 2-1/2 hours later. Yeah, that bothers me.
PEW: I went to Walmart.....and it wasn't 2-1/2 hours later
LM: Or having to go to your sister's to personally thank your parents for something. Call me paranoid. Sorry. One night, you went out after dinner. And came back at 8:30. It was 2-1/2 hours.
PEW: that was the night I went to Walmart then to PP's
LM: No, I'm talking about a situation before that. The Walmart/PP thing was the 2nd time.
PEW: ok, well you can always go with me, you don't want to. you don't like to shop with me
LM: ???
PEW: what do you think I'm having an affair?
LM: No.
PEW: well why does it bother you. that I need some time to myself


Did you catch it? Did you? It's the borderline personality's ability to set you up in the classic lose-lose situation. In one breath - complain that I don't go with her. In the next, explain to me that she needs time to herself. A person just... can't... win... in a relationship with a BPD. Perhaps "win" is the wrong word. You can't have any sense of normalcy or fairness in a relationship with a borderline. They are amazingly effective at making you feel like you're going completely insane.


LM: When you tell me that you're running a "few quick errands" I see no reason to go. And it isn't as though you say, "I'm gonna go run a few quick errands, wanna go?" I figure you're running out and coming back. I also figure it's easier to get some peace [without] me and the kids tagging along.

Here's the thing... It's just a small bother... but I know if I said I was just running out for a couple of things... and come back a couple of hours later... without a phone call... it would be a problem.
PEW: trust me, I'd call you
LM: But you don't.
PEW: but believe me, from now on I will say I'm going out for a few hours
LM: Very good.
PEW: I mean ...you could call me. while i'm out and say...hey what happened to running out
LM: Your phone is always dead, off, or otherwise I can't get in touch with you. I tried to find out what was up yesterday... No answer.
PEW: why no message
LM: No reason.
PEW: well I can do better with that
LM: cool.
PEW: but now we solved your problem, we haven't solved mine
LM: I won't bother you about the "2-1/2 hours thing" anymore. I apologized immediately for yesterday. Is there something else I've been "picking on you" about?


While it won't last, I'm clearly trying very hard to keep PEW focused on her matters at hand. One at a time. Solve one problem, move onto the next. Otherwise, I am defending myself on 5 or more different issues, all at the same time, and they're probably spread out over the entire length of our relationship at that point. CRAZYMAKING.


PEW: it's not the 2-1/2 hour thing....it's the constant criticizing
LM: Define for me "constant criticizing." Prior to our lovemaking session the other night... we barely spoke for two weeks. Since then... there was yesterday. How is that "constant criticizing?"
PEW: well that's a good point right there
LM: I want to stay and address the "constant criticizing" first.
PEW: we barely spoke for two weeks.....we start speaking again.....and you start harrassing me about spending....taking too long at Walmart.......no food in the house...... where's the love? i'm over living like this i feel like my mother
LM: #1... commenting about your "running out" and not coming back for hours... is not "harassing." #2 - If you can't take my concern about spending as a legitimate CONCERN, and not harassment... I can't help that. I can't.
PEW: well try
LM: In two months, you went from having about $300 on the CC... To 800… To 1400. TWO months. Only 100 of that was "S1's uniforms" I have an absolute right to be concerned. I didn't say you were spending too much. I haven't badgered you about what you're spending it on. I've asked you NICELY to "please keep it in check." That's not harassing.

Yesterday, I made no complaint about you not having food in the house. I was undecided what to pick because my choices were limited. That wasn't specifically directed AT YOU. I didn't say... "you're not keeping food in the house."


She goes into the "shock and awe" effort - tossing a bunch of different issues in my face all at the same time. I don't mention it in this exchange, but this is the credit card that I didn't know she went out and got in her own name a few months earlier. I had accidentally discovered the statement and, upon reviewing it, noticed the increasing balance between June and August.

Fact is, I'd say I was rather calm and understanding given the deception. I would pay for half of the ever-increasing spending she would end up putting on it the rest of the year. While sounding a little paranoid, I think she did so with "the end" in mind. I still think it was premeditated.


PEW: and I wanted to go to dinner
LM: Slow down. One thing at a time. Because we're at a point where you still cannot differentiate between a legitimate concern (CCs) and "harassment." I didn't harass you about the CC. I calmly expressed concern and asked you to please "keep it in check." I don't want to go back to having $5G on the CCs again.
PEW: well when we were at my brother’s you're like "what are you buying?"
LM: Because the more we have on the CC... the less we get to "go out to dinner."
PEW: well LM, the cc will not get to $5. $5G i mean. I've seriously had to question what benefits am I getting from being married besides being harrassed about everything I do and say


She's a liar. It absolutely went straight to $5,000.


LM: See? This is what I mean.
PEW: you say you love me, but I seriously feel that it's not love for me, but fear of separation. because all this time we've been together we still have issues with the same things over and over again
LM: Your issues never get resolved because you don't know how to. You've brought up three things. 1 - I apologized immediately for. 2 - I'm allowed to express genuine, calm concern about the finances. You call it harassment and will just never accept it as anything but harassment. 3 - Taking way longer out that you leave me the impression with... I *think* may be resolved, but I'm unsure about that.

So... now what? I can't explain anymore on the points you raised. You either accept that I can be concerned about the CCs or not. You told me that you'll do better with calling if you're going to be longer. And yesterday, I can't do much more than apologize for that. That's why I say "ok" when you tell me you want to discuss it at counseling.
PEW: I do, but I'm unhappy now, and I'm tired of being unhappy and feeling like I'm always inadequate. I want to move on, I want to be appreciated by someone
LM: Conversation is done. We'll save it for counseling. Thanks. It was a good try though.
PEW: save this because I want to show it to him
LM: Sure.
PEW: thank you once again for forstalling my future
LM: Not fair.
PEW: i'm very fair LM. very
LM: How about being excited that you would kiss me? How about being excited that you're going back to take classes?
PEW: well we would have kissed two weeks earlier if you had just taken ownership of what you did


Doesn't that make her sound so smart? "If you would just take ownership." Nothing screams "someone is filling one's head with psychobabble" than the sudden appearance of "take ownership."


LM: Do you always conveniently forget all of the good things? No, you want me to admit that I did something that I didn't do.
PEW: lots of people are excited for me
LM: That's not taking ownership, that's being forced to lie.
PEW: i was excited to make love too
LM: And I won't do that.
PEW: i was ready to make love to the freakin dog after 2-1/2 months


I'm not so sure that the dog would have been ready for such levels of affection. This is as good an excuse as any to send a reminder to the readership to help control the pet population - have your pet spayed or neutered. Props to Bob Barker.


LM: But you were too busy enforcing your "we're at an impasse" edict to change things. When you bashed me for not having dinner made that weekend you came home... did I call you out for "harassing" me? No. I said, "Gee, you know what, you're right... I should have made dinner." When do you ever say... "Gee, you know, maybe I was approaching things wrong." Never. You never say, "Gee, LM probably was telling the truth about the sleeping thing."
PEW: and as far as not speaking for two weeks it's for just this very reason, we get to a certain point and you say, that's it conversation over
LM: No, not only do you not believe it, you exacerbate things by telling me that I "teach our children to lie." I say "conversation is over" because you start the blame game and taking shots [like] I don't appreciate you.
PEW: and it never resumes again until i'm just willing to forget whatever and go on, but nothing is resoved
LM: I forstall your future. That's not a discussion, that's a bitch session. You always say... "We're at an impasse and I don't know when I'm going to want to talk to you again." Then it's my fault when we don't talk, we don't kiss, we don't make love. You WANT to be at an impasse. You shut me out, and then blame me for not making the first move.
PEW: no, you're wrong. you NEVER make the first move. sorry but it's true
LM: When I do make the first move, you tell me, "this doesn't make up for what happened" or something similar. It's like a game with you.
PEW: unless it's just ignoring the whole thing. it's no game....games are fun
LM: I'm going to shut LM out, and then I can get mad when he isn't affectionate.
PEW: this is not fun
LM: It is a game. You clearly indicate to me that you are pissed. You want to have nothing to do with me. Then, I'm at fault. It's a game.
PEW: no, this is my life LM and you are destroying it
LM: I'm not the one who puts indefinite periods of "mad" on you. You do. That's destructive. I never, ever do that. You do that regularly. It's childish.
PEW: that's a load of bull
LM: It isn't bull.
PEW: if you treat me properly we wouldn't have to even be having this discussion
LM: I try to be friendly, and you make sure you let me know that "just because we're talking nice, doesn't mean I'm not still mad."
PEW: you should know after 10 years where the problems lay
LM: Then I go back to keeping my distance.
PEW: you lie
LM: This is why I tell you things like, "Let me know when the impasse is over." Okay. I'm making that up.
PEW: that's your way of saying....."we can't talk about what's bothering you PEW, because I don't like to hear it, but let me know when you can't take it anymore......no sex, no intimacy...and we can go back to the same old same old again"
LM: PEW, right in this very text you say that things would be solved if I "take ownership" of "what I did." There is only one translation... "if you don't admit that you were sleeping while watching the children, I will remain mad at you." What do you expect me to do? Have sex with you when you regularly and clearly indicate to me that you are pissed? You have an innate ability to want to be physically affection despite me "forstalling your future" - I can't. Sorry.
PEW: no, if you would admit you were sleeping, apologize and say you will not do it again.....and that you will not scream in my face for calling you on it....we could have moved on
LM: That's not normal for me. I won't do that, because I didn't do that. Sorry. You freaked out on me for something I didn't do. I regret yelling, and I am sorry for that. I don't hear you apologizing for freaking out, cursing in front on the kids again... and all of the things that you did wrong during that exchange.
PEW: well, it certainly had all the appearances of sleeping
LM: It sure did.
PEW: and for that you should apologize. and you didn't need to react the way you did


This is bizarre on so many levels. It's right up there with her often getting mad at me for something I did in one of her dreams. Yes, I am very serious. It wasn't uncommon for me to be in the dog house for several days for some transgression I committed against her in her dreams.


LM: I apologize for giving you the appearance that I was sleeping while watching the kids.
PEW: I am a concerned parent
LM: I promise you that I wasn't. When S2 left my lap to go upstairs to see you, I moved to the couch and closed my eyes.
PEW: well why didn't it go that way when I came home from work that day. you just went from zero to FREAK
LM: Because after getting pissed off at me the day before for "being tired" - you went off on me again.
PEW: i deserved that
LM: You didn't ask for an explanation. You made immediate, incorrect assumptions, and started with accusations. When I explained the situation, clearly and rationally first, you called me a liar.
PEW: well you didn't even think that I was up with S1 the night before and then up at 5:30 to work in an exhausting environment
LM: That's why. Wrong again. I told you then, I'll tell you now...
PEW: and you had the nerve to close your eyes when I came home
LM: I understand COMPLETELY when you're tired. You operate like your tiredness precludes my tiredness. As if, because you worked hard all day, I have no right to be tired. You think I didn't wake up when S1 did?


Another creepy issue. I wasn't "allowed to be tired" because she was regularly more tired than me. If she was tired, I couldn't be tired. We're not talking about - hey, don't be lazing around and napping - she would get pissed if I simply expressed being tired. Crazymaking.


PEW: no it doesn't, but you never think of me
LM: You think I didn't hear the dog’s 2 or 3 asthma attacks?
PEW: if you did you would have gotten up to greet me with the kids
LM: How is my being tired "not thinking of you?" This is where your rationale defies explanation. At NO TIME did I deny your right to be tired. Quite the opposite.
PEW: not really. only to you
LM: It does. Now you just create things to be pissed about. If I did I would come up to greet you?
PEW: no I don't
LM: When, in our entire relationship... have you ever "greeted me" when I got home from work? Now, I have to "greet" you?
PEW: I say Hi when you come home. when we're speaking
LM: Almost EVERY single day you work, the first question out of my mouth was "how was your day" or "how was work." When do you ever do that?
PEW: this is ridiculous. at what point do we say that this relationship is not successful and never will be
LM: Even when you're perpetually pissed at me... I ask "how was work?"
PEW: we're going on 10 years together
LM: But you won't acknowledge that.
PEW: congratulations LM. that doesn't win you a prize
LM: What kind of person tells another... "We're at an impasse and I don't know when I'll get over it." See how you operate? You say one thing, and when I prove otherwise, you say things like "well, that won't win you a prize." Childish. Do you see what I say "okay, this conversation is over?"