The Psycho Ex Wife

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I’ve made reference to this incident several times in related blog posts.  This one will lay out our direct discussion about the events of the hearing on June 30th, 2006.  On that fateful day, I made a huge mistake that has not been repeated since.  I had the kids for a couple of weeks and PEW had asked me specifically if she could see the boys the day of the hearing at the courthouse.  It made sense (on the surface) because my mother would be taking care of all 4 kids during the day and she could just meet us there as a few of her plans were to be done in the vicinity of the courthouse or visiting some old friends who worked nearby.

The usual points of interest are here… her contradictions, her fabrications, her condemnation of something that she had previously done (and the children actually did spend the entire day at the courthouse)… but worse, was her deliberate attempt to engage my mother in a confrontation in a crowded courthouse lobby.  This was particularly sad because my mother is a “stay out of it” person when it comes to my drama, primarily at my stern request.  Rather than be dismissive and more importantly, because she truly cared and wished to convey her sympathies - it was her inquiry about PEW’s grandmother’s recent death that prompted PEW to act out like the impulsive mental child that she is.

Preceding the hearing and still trying to parlay my settling at the child support conference into a possible settlement on the child custody issue - I get this email the day before the hearing…

6/29/2006

LM,

About tomorrow, my mom is working and she can’t take off because she has a meeting that she must attend. I would even say your mom could watch them here if she wanted but this dog is nuts and I’m afraid he would knock her over or something. You could call [friend]. I have her number if you want to try it.

One last pleading too…..Please consider settling. It’s been rough for all of us, you, me the boys, I’m sure DW too. There isn’t a concern that you have that I’m not willing to address. We both have concerns about each other, and I don’t know about you…..I think I’d rather “stick needles in my eyes” than sit through tomorrow. The way we’ve been dealing with each other over the past several weeks….that’s the way I always wanted it to be and I think we can accomplish that for S1 and S2, all the time. I do respect you, I know you love them…..I really wish you hadn’t moved….I wish you would move back. I don’t know what else to say. Whatever happens tomorrow could cause irreversible damage to an already “strained” relationship.

Please.
~PEW

This is entirely bullshit, about which all regular readers are well aware.  Of course, the way things had been going the previous couple of weeks were entirely in her favor, due to my level-headedness.  I’m absolutely certain that if I would do anything and everything she wanted, when she wanted, and how she wanted (which is precisely what she wants), that would be great for her.  And she has never respected me and frankly, doesn’t respect too many people, if any at all.  She is incapable of respect.

7/2/2006 - The day after the hearing and confrontation.  The short version of the story is this… during a break in the proceedings just prior to lunch, my mother had returned from activities with the kids to see if things had concluded.  When approached by PEW, my mother had inquired as to how she and/or her mom was doing, that she was sorry to hear that PEW’s grandmother had passed-away.  PEW decided that this was an invitation to pounce…

PEW,

Was it really necessary for you to try to engage my mother in a confrontation on Friday, particularly given what we were there for?

Despite everything, I am still shocked that you have absolutely no regard for what we’re going through and, even while we are right there in court on a custody matter, you would do that right in front of the children let alone others. She was up there to help us both out by keeping the kids occupied and very happy.

In the future, I ask that you show a little more decorum when it comes to matters such as this. There was absolutely no reason for it.

~LM

I actually thought twice about sending this, but truth be told, my hope was that she would confirm what she did in writing so that I had it in the file for future reference.  I had no illusions that she would apologize or acknowledge how completely inappropriate her behavior was.

LM,

She asked me how my mom was, I said fine….and “[LMs-Mom] I want you to know that I’m crushed that you’re involved in this.” She spoke to me first. She wasn’t there to help me in any way or the kids. I can’t even believe you had the kids there in the courthouse……all four. Why weren’t they being watched elsewhere? LM, I am allowed to be upset…..and I am allowed to tell your mother I’m upset, especially after I sat through years of stories about how horrid your dad was when no one else would listen to her.

~PEW

When in doubt, just invent reasons to justify boorish behavior.  #1 - My mother wasn’t “involved” in anything.  She was our sitter for the day.  The extent of her “involvement” in our situation is that she some many years ago - gave birth to me.  That’s it.  So, PEW has hallucinated some extensive involvement in the divorce and custody dispute and used that self-created fiction to call her out… in a crowded courthouse lobby.  #2 - The children were only at the courthouse at her specific request.  Further, if I didn’t feel like I’d look like a completely paranoid freak, the sense of a “set-up” had passed through my mind briefly back then.  #3 - While my mother certainly does have a penchant for storytelling to people who probably couldn’t care less about the subject matter, particularly her divorce from my father 25-years ago, it’s completely and utterly irrelevant to what happened.  She can pull anything out of her ass and almost make it seem like a completely convincing piece of logic.  Fact is - it makes complete sense to her and that’s what’s scary.  It’s little more than her taking a pot-shot at my mother.

PEW,

She asked you how your mother was doing (knowing that [your GMom] passed away) and this you used as an opening to start a confrontation?

She came all the way up from [her home] to watch the children. You “can’t believe” that I had the kids at the courthouse? The ONLY reason that the kids came to the court house at all was because you repeatedly asked me to see them there. That’s the ONLY reason. You knew that I was going to bring them there to see you in advance. How convenient for you that after [your attorney] makes an issue out of it you now claim that they shouldn’t have been there at all.

As for being allowed to be upset… you don’t initiate a confrontation at the courthouse while the children are standing there and in front of others. It’s extremely inappropriate. If, for some reason, you believe that there is something to be gained by confronting my mother (or anyone in my family), have the decency to take them aside instead of making a scene at court.

There is also some irony in the fact that you think it’s inappropriate after bringing the children to court yourself, threatening to make them take the stand, and having your own family confront me, threaten me and mine, speaking poorly of me and mine directly to the children… and the list goes on. Something that you’ve not only allowed but have encouraged.  No one in my family has ever even THOUGHT of doing that, let alone actually engage in such reprehensible behavior.

~LM

Yes, yes, yes - she is projecting again.  When someone is repeatedly falsely accusing you of things, you can bet your ass and everything you own that there is a strong probability that they (and their family) has engaged or is engaging in just the very behavior they’re railing against.  PEW has brought the kids to the courthouse, where they sat with their looney Aunt PP, mother, father, for the entirety of whatever proceedings were taking place that day.  (We’ve actually blogged about that day, too, as the kids ran up to see DW and I and sat with us for a while until they came and demanded the kids come back with them.)  The rest of what I wrote in the email above is entirely factual.

LM,

I asked if I could see them knowing they were coming [here]…..did I not say “LM, the judge is NOT going to like you bringing them to the courthouse!”?? Do you not remember that? I would have preferred to see them for a minute, but your mom repeatedly brought them back into the courthouse after the judge said she wanted them to be occupied doing something else. I saw four sad little children sitting in the lobby ALL DAY doing absolutely nothing……that was upsetting. Why was your mother there again? If I had known this was your alternative I would have asked my mother to take off work.

As for a confrontation, there was NO confrontation. Your mother asked how my mother was….”how do you think she is….her mother died and you’re trying to take her grandchildren away from me?” My tone of voice did not change….I simply said to your mother “I want you to know that I am crushed that you are having any part of this”…..that is verbatim….ask DW, she heard the whole thing. Unless her and your mother decided to embellish the story. No confrontation here….but please tell your mother that her disingenuous inquiries about my mother are not appreciated….so don’t bother.

My family never threatened you. Stop making up stories….you look ridiculous enough already.

~PEW

No, she absolutely did not say that judge would not like anything.  It was never an issue because the kids were simply there to see her briefly and then roll out with my mother, which is precisely what happened.  Further, what she describes is a confrontation.  It’s a challenge.  I guess somehow since she wasn’t screaming like her usual lunatic self, that it doesn’t count.  And we know from countless emails and those hysterical voice mails from her booze-hound father and crazy, substance-abusing sister would demonstrate her closing sentences to be patently false, too.

PEW,

What you said to my mother was confrontational, was done in front of the children and others, and was completely uncalled for. It was not embellished by anyone. It was inappropriate for you to reply to a meaningful inquiry about how your mother was doing in that way. The appropriate response from a typical adult would have been, “She’s fine, thanks for asking.” and left it at that.

I’m not “trying to take the children away from” you. I’m trying to get an alternate custody arrangement that will be more healthy and beneficial for the children.

My mother was there to support me and to tend to the children. However, unlike previous instance involving your parents, she had no problem making sure that she was available for you to see the children, unlike your parents who have previously refused to allow me to pick up the children at their home. Further, it’s kind of strange that you would claim that you “saw 4 sad little children sitting in the lobby of the courthouse ALL DAY” when, they were there for a scant 15-20 minutes before we went into court and then another 15 minutes after our afternoon break when my mother simply came back to see if things had been completed. Beyond that, they went visiting, went to the park, played “Simon Says” in the courtyard… and so on. They had a blast! They were blissfully happy both before and after they saw you. The ONLY time they were unhappy was when you were present.

What WAS sad was your manipulative behavior when they went on their display and sadder was you being completely incapable of assisting me in any way to try and manage the situation. You just sat there allowing it to continue without a clue as to what to say or do. Finally, what was absolutely DISGRACEFUL was your attorney trying to parlay it into something awful, particularly since it was his client that requested to see the children, and he did so by embellishing the reality of the situation. Ironic that his client is the one who actually brought the children to court on a previous occasion and they did actually stay in the courthouse all day long and you threatened (repeatedly) to have them testify.

That said, I apologize for the mistake I made in bringing them to see you at your request. It won’t happen at the courthouse again. I promise.

Here’s the deal, my family deserves the same respect I give your family… that is, I don’t try to engage them in confrontations in public, private, or anyplace else. Do you think that you could find it somewhere in your soul to give my family the same level of respect? Your family is there for you despite everything and mine is there for me. Leave it at that and stop the shenanigans - ESPECIALLY in front of the children. That goes for you and the rest of your family. It’s not like I haven’t begged you countless times before. Thanks.

~LM

When she came out at lunch and saw the children there and after she separated herself from proximity to my mother, things were fine, until it was time for them to go.  Then S1 started to have a dramatic meltdown and S2, following the lead of his brother, started to come unglued, too.  It was a pitiful scene made worse by PEW’s “deer in the headlights” look.  She was rendered completely incapable of doing anything to soothe the kids.  She didn’t say anything.  She didn’t do anything.  It was only probably 15 seconds before I moved in to calm them and get them off to Grandmom and shoo them all out of there, but I can tell you it seemed like an eternity.

Then, her asshole lawyer brought it up in the afternoon proceedings trying to paint me in a bad light for “bringing the children to such a scary environment.”  However, my attorney calmly reassured the judge that they were only brought to the courthouse briefly, at the request of their mother who hadn’t seen them in over a week, and that her client would most assuredly never do it again under any circumstances.

LM,

The way S1 was behaving was heartbreaking. How would you have liked me to handle it? I genuinely love my children and seeing how distraught S1 was with the bloodshot eyes and everything was having an effect on me. How you could sit through that and believe that you’re doing the right thing, speaks volumes about you as a father and a man. Don’t lecture me about my behavior and what is appropriate. All the feelings I have about you and yours are very appropriate at this moment in time.

Your mom was there to hob-knobb as usual. Her help is never worth the aggravation, you should know that by now. I heard her say she took the kids over to the DA’s office….bet that was fun for them. They were in the courthouse a lot longer than you are claiming. My friend B***** was talking to them for at least 30 minutes before the lunch break.

The days of you telling me how to respond to things are over. I did not confront your mother. She initiated a conversation with ME!!! I made a comment, she tried to engage me further, but I didn’t want any part of it.  Like I said, for the future, tell your mother that I realize that she is not being genuine…..therefore I do not wish to speak with her. I would rather that she not acknowledge me at all.

Your proposed custody arrangement is not MORE healthy or beneficial for the children. Like everyone has told you from day one…..the best thing for them would have been for you to be here, where they are, where their mother is, where the rest of both of our families and friends are….period. Are you not embarrassed yet??? You have no shame LM.

~PEW

Yes, because her friend is the ultimate authority and had a stop-watch on my mother.  Fact is, mom came back at around lunchtime to see if the proceedings had concluded.  When told that they had not, she and the kids (post-meltdown) left for the balance of the afternoon.  Ya gotta love her repeatedly taking shots at my mother.  This bitch spares NO ONE.

PEW,

It was quite heartbreaking.

What continues to shock me, however, is your refusal to acknowledge how the words and actions of you and your family have affected these boys so profoundly. Worse than that, is the knowledge that the efforts of you and your family will not stop. You have made it so that these children so fear “losing you forever” if they spend any more time with me and that, PEW, is criminal. It strikes a chord of fear in my heart every single day of my life. It is why they act out the way they do with you and, when you’re not there, they are as normal and as happy as can be. This is precisely how it was on Friday and there are many witnesses who are willing to testify to the same. They ONLY act that way to feed your desire for their absolute devotion, even if you must destroy their relationship with their father to accomplish that. You and your family have taught them this. It is what makes you feel important to them. This is also why you do nothing to change their behavior, as shown by your inability to do anything except sit there looking lost and befuddled. I can only pray that the court recognizes this and the long-term damage it will cause.

I will ask my mother not to acknowledge you. Please do not forget that this is at your request. Like so many others before her… if they actually discover the truth about you, they become the enemy not worthy of your acknowledgment… at least no acknowledgment that isn’t combative. I will explain to my mother that you decided that her asking about your mother was the green light for your combative reaction.

More of the same from you. It’s shameful and I’m more certain than ever that it will never change.

~LM

It’s called SPLITTING.  Black and white.  Get used to it if you think you’re dealing with a BPD.

LM,

You amaze me. You exaggerate EVERYTHING. My dad said something with regard to you twice in 2-1/2 years. And I have already told him that if it ever happens again he won’t be able to see the boys BECAUSE it is a violation of our agreement. The kids do not ACT OUT all the time when they are with me.  Sometimes they do……and in 2-1/2 years I have called you 3 times to “back me up”, not ten times like DW purgered herself about.

I never told the kids they were going to “lose me forever”…..I think they got that impression from their visit with you. SS1 walked over and said “my mom is here to tell the judge that you should only see your kids every other weekend and we should have them all the time” Do you want to tell me how in the world SS1 came up with that? Don’t delude yourself that I have the kids under some kind of a “spell” where they feel so dependent on me……..they love me, I love them…..we have a very nice life without you……and now that they’ve spent two whole weeks with you…..they miss the NORMAL life that we have here. God only knows what else they are hearing down there. When they are with me, their mother…..I tell them that their father loves them and misses them, we talk about good times we had as a family, we talk about your work, your hobbies, whenever they ask about you I have something positive to say about you……you are in need of serious psychiactric help if you believe all of your spew.

Don’t email me anymore on this subject……your words are LOST on me. It’s all lies and exaggeration…..from here on out I’m going to let [my attorney] CONTINUE to prove how you lie….your credibility is already very shaky.

~PEW

So, first her family has never threatened me.  Now, her family has threatened me.  It really doesn’t matter how many times she has or hasn’t called me when she “can’t handle the kids.”  It also really doesn’t matter than everything in the entire second paragraph is just the delusional rantings of someone who (maybe) is suffering a twinge of guilt about not doing any  of the things she claims she does.  I mean, I’m sure she has occasion to tell the kids their father loves them (I hope), but let me demonstrate for you how easy it is to prove what she is saying is false:

1. She can’t talk to them about my work because, at the time, she had zero frigging idea what I did for work, where I worked, what we built, etc.  So, unless she was making up job functions so that she could speak so highly of her ex, she’s a fucking liar.
2. She can’t talk to them about my hobbies because she didn’t even know what my hobbies were when we were together.  If she did know what they were, she hated them.  If my hobbies weren’t her hobbies (of which she had none) - then she didn’t have any parts of it.  Didn’t care.  Didn’t express an interest.  She just didn’t.
3. Well, my guess is that the last part is a lie for one of two reasons… ONE - she can’t utter positive words about me without believing that it will somehow mean she’s denigrating herself.  TWO - the kids know better than to ask about “bad dad” so, since they don’t ask, she’s never had cause to actually speak positively about me.

And if you think these types of fabrications, delusions, and re-writes of history have changed since 2006, you would be mistaken.  I still get them.  Even in 2010.  Oh joy.