Cindy Writes, “This is Poison to the Soul”
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I’ve pulled this comment from the post You’ve Been Holding Me Hostage for Years!
Cindy wrote:
This whole thing is just sick. Everyone is so convinced they are right, to the point where they put conversations with their ex on a website! Unbelievable! No one seems to be concerned about the effect divorce has upon the kids, only that he/she is “right” in determining the ex is “psycho.” Here’s a fact: every ex-wife is “psycho” and every ex-husband is an “asshole.” Otherwise, you would still be married.
Before you judge, I am divorced and have three kids with my ex-husband. While our relationship isn’t always harmonious, I can’t ever imagine wasting my time venting about my “asshole” or “psycho” ex on a website — much less actually write down the conversations for all to see!!!! Turn your negative energy into something positive for you kids or your life. Dwelling in this kind of crap is poison to the soul.
~Cindy
It’s very rare that I get seriously negative mail and don’t so much mind getting it. I think it helps to keep things “in check.” It offers another perspective for consideration. It plays “devil’s advocate” if you will.
However, people like Cindy bring a whole new level of irony with some of the things that they write in an effort to criticize without being informed.
- This whole thing is just sick. Rebuttal: Well, to each his/her own opinion, but this “whole thing” has been very therapeutic for us and rather helpful for countless people going through similar situations (or worse). The experience may be “sick,” sharing it is not.
- No one seems to be concerned about the effect divorce has upon the kids, only that he/she is “right” in determining the ex is “psycho.” Rebuttal: Nothing could be further from the truth. However, I can see where your 3-minute, 3-page stay might lead you to such a conclusion. Consider staying longer, reading more, and find out just what kind of discussions go right to the heart of such issues.
- Before you judge, I am divorced and have three kids with my ex-husband. While our relationship isn’t always harmonious, I can’t ever imagine wasting my time venting about my “asshole” or “psycho” ex on a website — much less actually write down the conversations for all to see!!! Rebuttal: There is a rather significant difference between “…isn’t always harmonious” and the types of horrors that I and many, many others who come here have experienced. So, “before you judge…” OOPS! You’ve already done that. My mistake. What isn’t good for you may be very good for someone else.
- Turn your negative energy into something positive for you kids or your life. Dwelling in this kind of crap is poison to the soul. Rebuttal: Cindy, while it’s hard for me to imagine that your short visit gives you any insight into the positives that my family makes for ourselves (and others), I give you my personal assurance that we do just that. What we do here isn’t poison for our souls (much less anyone else’s soul) and the reciprocal assistance that is so often shared here has been a positive experience beyond what we had imagined when we first started. Internalizing such experiences is far more poisonous to the soul than the opposite - ask any counselor worth his/her salt.
But that’s not the ultimate irony of Cindy’s post. The ultimate irony is the search that landed Cindy here at The Psycho Ex-wife:
“PSYCHO DISRESPECTFUL STEP-DAUGHTER”
Cindy - if you feel the need to share or need some resources and we can provide that assistance, you’re more than welcome to peruse this site and hopefully find something that will prove helpful with your situation. Wishing you all the best this holiday season…
~Mister-M
December 20th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I just want to say reading the last part you added in gave me a perspective of Cindy and why she looked at this website. I will put money down that her Ex does not see her in the same light she sees herself. I know if my psycho showed up her she would say the same thing if not worse than Cindy.
I love this website and would not go away from here if you paid me. It truly has helped me get through some tough times with my ex
December 20th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
It is all about people being mad is one of the reasons that the courts, evaluators, and mediators have so much trouble getting it right.
I remember my custody evaluator telling me early on “She’s just mad, all women get mad when their husband divorces them.” I disagreed and about a year later, after numerous “rounds” with Betty BPD, she testified for me that my X has serious issues that impacted the well being of the children…so much for “just mad.”
If you believe like Cindy that “psycho” is situational this probably all does seem like a little much. If you live it and you know “psycho” is permanent and “harmonious” is a fleeting exception you come to a different conclusion about this site and those that frequent it.
Keep the faith!
December 20th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
“the reciprocal assistance that is so often shared here has been a positive experience” AMEN!!!!!!
December 20th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
It actually took me quite a long time, a lot of experience, and a lot of research and education to begin to tell the difference between “situational divorce psychosis”, and true dispositional personality disorders.
It’s a fact - everyone is a little nuts during divorce. And that makes perfect sense: you are taking two people who combined their hearts, minds, and lives, and re-structuring them back into two separate individuals. There are deep, deep ties - far stronger than people realize, and the process of taking those ties apart makes a person “crazy”.
The trick is to tell when it’s really, truly a personality disorder… something that is NOT going to go away when the divorce gets done. Something you probably cannot mediate or negotiate around.
The other difficulty is that anyone out there who hasn’t experienced divorcing a Borderline/Narcissist or High Conflict Personality firsthand — especially someone like a “Cindy”, who has experienced a non-personality-disordered divorce — is just going to assume that ALL divorce nuttiness is situational. I think that’s the short-sightedness of many people in the “divorce cartel”. They never entertain the possibility that when someone says the other party is Psycho, they really, truly, are. Not just “divorce psycho”, but actually long-term crazy.
It’s genuinely hard to tell the difference. Even those that deal firsthand with a personality-disordered ex-spouse often second-guess themselves. That’s one reason why this website is so valuable. When someone is with a crazy person all the time, their own frame of reference can get knocked askew. When you can read about someone else’s travails, your ability to re-calibrate back to what’s “normal” is restored.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Cindy,
When I first discovered this site, I thought that it was only a guy who wanted to rant about how bad his ex-wife is. The truth is, if you read everything, it tells a story of how a normal father and his normal wife deal with a BPD ex-wife. There is discussion on all aspects of divorce from what to expect in court, to how to parent without interference from someone who wants to control their ex. This site has been theraputic in showing me that I am not crazy and I am not alone.I would encourage you to read much more before passing judgement.
December 21st, 2008 at 12:17 am
Cindy - as the second wife of a man who has two children with an extremely difficult ex, I suggest you count your lucky stars that your situation can ever be described as harmonious and leave the rest of us to seek solace where we can.
December 21st, 2008 at 2:29 am
Cindy- My STBX and I agreed that we would have an agreeable divorce seeking the best interest of the kids first. We are in the middle of some S**t because she decided she wanted to sit on one spot on the couch she’s been on for the last year and decided she was not going to work on the 2 different sessions of marriage counsling I set up, cheat on me and have me pay for her to hook up with some guy out in Somewhere, US, and do everything but look for a job because there were too many chats to have and games to play on the internet. I have temp sole custody, I get my kids 13 days a month while she has the other 18 as supervised visitation. I am forced to pay for her mental health eval, which I do not see her giving a single honest answer to, then I’ll probably have to forfeit my 14 years in the military (6 more to retirement by the time my oldest is 10) and forgo the 18 years of health insurance for my kids, the retirement checks, and everything else just so I can stay in their lives 6-12 days a week. I just got 13 messages from my STBX today, putting my kids on the voicemail and all saying in the background “Daddy’s ignoring me.” Yes, I avoid all her calls because she requested a PPO and at anytime I take a call she can report that I threatened her life, which is something I have not done and will not do no matter what she does to me.
This site allows me to see that other people actually experience the same crap I am. For god’s sake, she records video’s of herself doing objectionable things to herself in the middle of the day in the living room while the two youngest are at home and upstairs at nap. And the court system is doing everything in it’s power to give her every single chance to screw up and screw up my kids in the process. WTF? Who’s spreading the poison?
Tell me, how do I make this situation better? I’m reminded constantly of the fact, nice guys finish last. I’m finding it’s true more and more every day.
December 21st, 2008 at 7:11 pm
The effects on the kids? Oh please, tell me about the effects on the kids when mom is home snorting coke, to the tune of $800 a month, and can’t keep a job, refuses to let kids see or talk to dad(and eventually loses younger child to CPS, older one comes to live with us)…while dad is holding a job, fighting tooth and nail to even get to talk to the kids, let alone get custody of kids, doesn’t use drugs…riiiight. Who’s hurting the kids here?
This stuff is ugly, you’re right, and it is poison. And it’s not NORMAL. My ex and I are normal adults, don’t follow any custody rules(never have, in 4 years), simply because, well, we figured if the kids want to see a parent, it’s THEIR right to do so. But again, we’re normal.
If I delved in the morass this woman(my husband’s uBPD ex) created for my husband and her children, every day for hours, my heart would surely shrivel. I can’t bathe in this place every day, it’s just too dark and it does hurt. But it was sure refreshing to know that we weren’t alone. And it helped give us ideas on how to help the kids, how to deal with a truly disordered woman who made stuff up at the drop of a hat.
Cindy, I think you need to read about the genuine personality disorder we’re talking about…and what it does to children and families…before judging a single one of us. And I’m glad your divorce was so much easier than those who have to deal with BPD.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:04 am
This lady doesn’t even realize how lucky she is to have a relationship that “isn’t always harmonious”. The search that got her here is just hysterical too.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Since everyone here was relatively polite in their explanations of the whys and all, I’ll go the opposite. In this holiday season full of arguments about who had the kids last Christmas, to my husband’s nutjob ex getting upset because we dared take my stepdaughter for medical attention without first telling her(ear infection, not a lacerated kidney).I say this: Cindy…get bent.
You will never know the fresh hell of sitting and watching your husband suffer while his ex wife pulls every heartstring of the kids she can. While she tells them stuff no child should hear and while she day by day destroys every single tie that binds them to their father.
You’re lucky. At Christmas you don’t open the mail to letters from the kids saying “I hate you” and “I want to have Christmas with mommy” Even though she can’t get them to call or write or send birthday cards, she sure can get them to send small packages of pain and hate.
This place has given me a sounding board, advice, and the comfort (and regret) of knowing I’m not alone in this journey of shit. So kindly fuck yourself. Go judge somewhere else and be a hypocrite elsewhere.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Yes, Cindy. You’re right. It IS poison for the soul. But the poison you mention is the actions of the PEW, or the ED, or the BM, or the ex, or whatever it is that those of us facing the unfortunate task of dealing with “her” call her. This forum? This is healing. This is the place that helps us all NOT pass on that poison, not get sucked into the cycle, not lose our own minds.
If you have a Polyanna existence, great for you. We don’t. And we need a place to work through the pain and loss that we have experienced. I echo all of SC’s sentiments on that front. Find another place to take your nastiness.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I am so thankful that you have created this site! It’s so hard to be in situations like these. I’m a 27 year old step mom to an amazing 4 yr old little girl whom I love as my own. But the drama and craziness that BM has inflicted on our lives has taken its toll in so many areas. Being in this situation has caused me to seek out others who can help me deal with my delimmas, problems, and frustrations in a proper manner and not be met with judgement or criticism by those who simply cannot understand my situation unless they’ve been in one similar. I have found several online communities who are there 24/7 for support, advice, and guidance. If not for those communities I feel as though I would not have been as forgiving and understanding. It helps keep the “lonely” feeling at bay, knowing that I’m not the only person dealing with this type of situation. It’s especially wonderful to read a man’s point of view. You speak in an intelligent manner, and also take into account her views and opinions, but do not blindly give her credit when it isn’t due. You seem to have tried to be as objective as possible, even when angry. I say keep up the good work!! For cindy, I really hope that you find yourself not being so judgemental against someone until you have walked in their shoes. Rules online are simple: if you don’t like, don’t read. Otherwise, one must keep an open mind about other people’s lives and situations. Have a great day all! Don’t stop posting Mr. M, you help more than you know.
~S
January 11th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Cindy must be an ex-wife. Sounds like she knows it all, didn’t she say not to be judgemental? And yet in the same post she says all ex-wives are pyscho and all ex-husbands are assholes. Sounds like she is self-righteous all the time and tries to play fair whn cornered and threatened.
I am an ex-wife an not a psycho, my ex-husband is not an asshole, he takes great care of our daughter and we talk almost everyday about our daughter.
I am also re-married and my husbands ex-wife is “The Psycho”. She kinda sounds like Cindy. Funny, because his ex-wife’s name is Carissa, I like to call her CC, and you can imagine what what the first C is for.
Here is an example of her erratic, it’s all about me behavior. My husband had to work last night and could not pick up his kids, (this was his weekend) so he called her and left a message. Well, she showed up at my house at 11PM and just dropped them off, I did open the garage since I had no idea what the hell she was doing here, she told me that she spoke to my husband and he told her I would be home ( Come later to find out that he had not) and she assumed that I would then take them. Did she call me and ask? No. But she drove 3 hrs to get to my house, just because she had plans and she knows that I would never let those kids sit in the car that long to go back home with her.
I am a strong believer in what comes around goes around and I know she will get hers eventually.
It is to bad that they cannot just move on and be happy, they hold a bitterness that “He” no longer wishes to share his life with you and they move on. So to get back, she drives him crazy using those kids as pons and a paycheck.
How do you drive to someones house and just drop off your kids?