The Psycho Ex Wife

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This part in the series is less about a discussion with the children and more about the forthcoming exchange after my interrupted week of vacation, a mess that was detailed in Custodial Interference Can Screw Vacation Plans.  During this week of phone calls in 2005, PEW tried to get the children to beg me to come home early and also told them that I had promised to bring them all the way back to her on Sunday, which simply wasn’t true.  Rather than cave-in, I appropriately explained the situation to the kids as a misunderstanding, but that PEW was either going to come get them on Sunday or I would deliver them to her when I came up that following Tuesday as I had to be in town for court anyway.  Still, she was relentless in trying to badger me to change my mind. (Click here to review Part 4.)

PEW: Hello
LM: Good evening
PEW: LM, you gotta tell me that you’re kidding me about this
LM: Oh, before we get started are we exchanging our mutual recording edicts
PEW: Yes
LM: You got your recorder on?
PEW: Yes, yes
LM: Okay good, why would I be kidding
PEW: Because, it’s, like you know that this wasn’t part of the agreement, it’s not fair, it’s not fair to do that to me, it’s not fair to do that to them
LM: Do what to you, do what to them?
PEW: I’ll meet you in [halfway exchange location], but to say that I have to drive all the way down there, that’s not fair, when the deal was that you were gonna bring them home on Sunday.

Guilt-tripping is a favorite tactic of a PEW.  Once you recognize it and don’t let it affect you, it’s a major-fail.  When guilt-tripping doesn’t work, just resort to creating a fictional “deal” that never happened, because that might work.

LM: Maybe in your head that was the deal, there was no deal, I didn’t make any deal with you about who was picking and dropping them off.
PEW: Well I have e-mails that say that you are going to drop them off on Sunday.
LM: No you don’t
PEW: Yes I do
LM: Well then if you do, send them to me
PEW: No
LM: And I’ll correct my mistake
PEW: Okay, I will, it might take me a couple minutes to find them but
LM: Not ones that say you can pick them up anytime Sunday, or they can come home anytime you want Sunday, ones that say “I’m going to bring them back to you”. There’s a difference. I didn’t tell S1 any such thing, but I know you told S1 that. I never told you I was bring the kids back to [your house], never

This was the truth and I would have kept my word, too.  If she could produce a single email or even a recording where I specifically told her that I would bring the children all the way back to her or even meet half-way - I would absolutely do it.  The truth is, it never happened and I knew she wasn’t going to produce such an email.  Still, she persisted in believing that she had them.

PEW: That’s because, well why wouldn’t you? Why would I drive eight hours? Why should I have to do that? When I did it a week ago?
LM: Why, I gotta come back up there Tuesday night anyway, why not just let me keep them until Tuesday?
PEW: No, because they miss me, S2s crying last night, S1’s crying three nights before that. You would do this to your kids, that’s the part that’s so disturbing

Yes, the crying that she begged for them to do for her… repeatedly.  That crying.

LM: I’m not doing anything to my kids, okay?
PEW: Yes you are
LM: When you incite them to cry that’s one thing, they’re having a wonderful time here.
PEW: No they’re not
LM: Yes, yes they are. I know you want to believe differently, but the fact remains that they are. Okay? I’m not the one doing anything to them. I’m not the one who lied to them two weeks ago when you told them that your car wasn’t working right
PEW: Mehhh, the car isn’t working right (she begins screaming into the phone) I’ve had it in the shop everyday, or every week for the last three weeks!

Lie.

LM: And, you may have told him that I was taking them back to you, but I didn’t tell him that
PEW: The car has been in the shop
LM: I don’t want to talk about your car, I just want to know which option are you going to take. Are you going to come pick them up tomorrow, or am I going to bring them back Tuesday night?
PEW: You can meet me in [exchange point] tomorrow, I will meet you in [exchange point]. That’s what Gloria’s suggestion was for summer transportation. I think that that would be a compromise.

Gloria’s suggestion was the current order in effect.  Further, you have to really love how PEWs only take suggestions that will benefit them and try to impose them on you.  Interesting how she wasn’t interested in discussing Gloria’s “suggestion” that I have 3-weeks-on and 1-week-off custody of the kids for the summer.

LM: Really? After last, (laughs)
PEW: After what LM?
LM: After you know what, after nothing
PEW: After you lied and said you had a vacation planned last week and didn’t?
LM: After you come down and pick them up Sunday we have court Wednesday and we’ll make sure that whatever agreement or order that gets entered, the pick up and drop off arrangements will be very specific
PEW: No, you know what? There’s going to be a contempt order filed Monday
LM: No, now listen to me PEW, you can threaten me all you like
PEW: You’re lawyer doesn’t know what she’s talking about, if she thinks that, my lawyer’s been doing this for twenty years, he should know whether you’re in contempt and you’re in contempt
LM: In contempt, how? What order am I in violating?
PEW: Any, any of the orders that we have you are violating by keeping them beyond Sunday.
LM: No
PEW: Well you’re… the… the order that says you have them until um, Monday morning for one thing, and the existing temporary one that says every other weekend
LM: The one that says every other weekend was an informal recommendation until we went through [custody evaluation], which we went through
PEW: Okay then, you are in violation of the order that, the regular order
LM: I’m not stopping you from getting the kids PEW, I don’t know what violation of the regular order
PEW: You are the one that took them out of state, you are the one that took them out of state, so that means that you are the guy that should return them to me. I do not have a safe way of transporting them from [your house] to [my house].

Ohhhh, the drama!

LM: Spare me your safe way story, you’ve had a safe way to transport them to Jan..back and forth to [parent's vacation home], up and down the [cousin's distant home], back and forth to work, and everyplace else you go, you know?
PEW: um, my car is not running well, if you want to drive it to see for yourself
LM: No
PEW: I probably gonna need a new car very soon, but for right now you’re playing with my emotions, I miss my kids
LM: Then come and get them
PEW: (Screams) I can’t!
LM: Stop screaming at me.
PEW: (sighs) I can’t believe you are doing this to me, what did I ever do to you, what did I ever, ever do to you? I don’t know
LM: I’m not doing anything to you
PEW: Yes you are, you’re the meanest person
LM: I come up there and get them
PEW: I didn’t move LM, you moved, you shacked up

Damn dirty shacker!

LM: Will you stop with the insults? And name calling
PEW: What insults and name calling? What name calling? What did I say that is considered name calling? I said you shacked up and that’s exactly what you did
LM: If you say so
PEW: You put somebody, you put a woman in front of your kids
LM: Stop with the guilt
PEW: And now, you don’t have any guilt. I know you don’t have any guilt. Why would I stop with the guilt when there’s no guilt on your behalf
LM: Stop, you and your, you and your ongoing mental abuse, keep it up, go ahead, keep going
PEW: Mental abuse
LM: Go ahead, keep going
PEW: Explain that
LM: Nope
PEW: Okay
LM: We’re wasting time here, let me know what you want to do
PEW: Will you please meet me in [exchange point]?
LM: No I can’t do that
PEW: You were supposed to bring them home LM, I’m gonna call your Dad. I’m going to call your Dad when I hang up with you. I’m going to call CAM, CAM told me that if you did this, he would come down there with MJM and…

I’M GONNA TELL YOUR DAD ON YOU!!!

LM: No that’s not what CAM told you
PEW: Yes he did, he said if you ever did this him and MJM would come down there and pick up the kids.
LM: I don’t think so.
PEW: Yea he did and I’m gonna call him when you hang up
LM: Why don’t you leave my family alone?
PEW: No because I need help, I need help with you, you’re psycho
LM: I’m psycho?
PEW: You’re psycho, that you would do this to your kids, first of all I
LM: PEW, we’ve been over this before
PEW: Why would I put out, if I didn’t understand that we had an agreement, why would I put out $300 for daycare, for the, for next week, if I didn’t think that they were coming home Sunday?

Lie.

LM: They can come home Sunday, I’m not stopping you from getting them, PEW
PEW: It’s not my responsibility to drive them
LM: It’s not your responsibility? You miss your kids? You miss your kids but it’s not your responsibility to get them up, it’s not?
PEW: No, it’s your responsibility to return them, as according to our agreement
LM: And what’s our agreement say exactly?
PEW: Our agreement says that the kids spend, I didn’t take them out of state LM, you did

Confront her with reality and watch the wires get crossed.  I repeatedly ask her what the agreement says.  It’s not that she doesn’t know.  She knows.  She’s wrong.  However, those words will never cross her lips.  Not “I’m wrong” and not the actual contents of the order which I’m not violating.

LM: I’m still waiting for you to tell me what our agreement says with regard to pick up and drop off, I drive all the way up there.
PEW: It’s not gonna say that anymore after Wednesday
LM: I understand it won’t say that
PEW: So I hope that you realize that you are making a big mistake
LM: I don’t know that I’m making a big mistake, I’m not keeping you from your kids, and even if I brought them back Tuesday night it would be in accordance with the current custody arrangement
PEW: How
LM: Monday and Tuesday would be my two floating weekdays for the month
PEW: You already had five floating weekdays
LM: No, I had a vacation
PEW: You didn’t have a vacation
LM: Yes I did
PEW: No you didn’t. I hope you’re prepared to bring your um proof that you actually had this vacation planned
LM: My proof that I had the vacation planned?
PEW: Umhmm
LM: Sure
PEW: What’s your boss’ name?
LM: None of your business
PEW: Okay well he’ll be subpoenaed then
LM: That’s fine
PEW: I’ll be meeting with my lawyer to do the contempt
LM: I understand that, you know you gotta do what you feel you have to do, I just don’t understand why you have to make a big deal out of everything, I guess I don’t understand
PEW: It is a big deal. Cuz I miss the kids and they miss me and regardless of what you wanna think about the car, that car does not run well, it’s a 19…
LM: You mean it doesn’t run well when you have to pick up your kids [at my home], it runs well for everything else you do right?
PEW: I don’t run the car everywhere else. I take it to and from work, I don’t go anywhere else.
LM: No, you don’t go down to the [parent's vacation home]?
PEW: I went down [there] for vacation
LM: How many other times have you gone down?
PEW: I went down for Mother’s Day
LM: How about up the [cousin's home]? Run fine for that?
PEW: The fact is that that’s the only car I have, so if I want to do stuff, I have to do it in that car
LM: I see
PEW: And, but…
LM: So everything but driving to pick up your kids, is that it?

So then the car does work.  It just doesn’t work when she has to fulfill her obligation to pick up the children whom she allegedly misses so much.

PEW: But that’s 8 hours, we’re talking about, the [vacation home] is an hour and a half. And I just drove the car 8 hours or no 10 hours to, a week and a half ago to pick them up down there and then the engine light came back on after I had just had it in the shop. It’s okay cuz I’m gonna call your Dad after we hang up and explain to him what you’re doing and
LM: I’d prefer you leave my family alone is what I prefer
PEW: These are his grandchildren, and I hope that, you know, if anybody, he’s, he’s always helped me out in the past when you’ve been unreasonable, and I’m banking on the fact that he’ll talk to you.
LM: You wanna talk to the kids?
PEW: Yes
LM: Okay. S1 and S2

While my father was a knucklehead on occasion and maintains contact with her, rarely - she has the delusion that he has “helped her out on occasion” with me.  Not true.  Now, I’m not saying he has or hasn’t helped her out in other ways about which I know nothing, but involving him has yielded zero contact with me on any subject relevant to this matter or any other.  Of course, like a chip-off-the-old-block, I’m maintaining far too much contact with her here, too.

S2 would be going first…

S2: Hi Dad, Mom
PEW: Hi S2
S2: I almost said Daddy
PEW: (laughs) How you doing buddy?
S2: Good
PEW: Good. What are you guys doing today?
S2: Good.
PEW: Good. Was it raining?
S2: Yea, it’s raining right now
PEW: And thundering and lightening?
S2: And this mirror, there are two mirrors, they’re wigglish, if you look through it you’ll see two S2s or two PEWs or a person
PEW: And where’s that mirror at?
S2: It’s right in my dad’s room at his house
PEW: I see
S2: I’ll show you where his room is
PEW: I love you, how you?
S2: Can I say goodbye dad, mommy?
PEW: Sure bud
S2: I love you
PEW: Good Night

Yes, there it was. The typical phone discussion with a 4-year old. Short. To-the-point. Abrupt ending. It always made me laugh - he did that to both of us, which was normal. Onto S1…

S1: Hi mom
PEW: Hi, how you doing buddy?
S1: Good
PEW: What are you guys doing today?
S1: Well I liked my dad’s favorite pork chops, we made a little spot for us to go in the woods, and we wait, went miniature golfing.
PEW: Cool
S1: Is it raining down there?
PEW: Pouring
S1: Pouring down here too
PEW: It’s also thundering and lightening
S1: It’s thundering and lightening here too
PEW: Really?
S1: Yea
PEW: Oh
S1: I can’t wait until I come home
PEW: You’re funny, I love you
S1: I know, I’m so crazy about it, I just want to see you
PEW: You’re such a good boy S1

Positive reinforcement for telling her what she needs to hear…

S1: I know
PEW: I love you so much
S1: I love you so much too. I just saw some lightening
PEW: Didya?
S1: Yea
PEW: Was it scary?
S1: Yea. Okay, somebody left me by myself
PEW: Who?
S1: Oh, no he didn’t
PEW: Oh, who left you by yourself?
S1: Nothing
PEW: You thought you were by yourself?
S1: Yes. Did you just hear that?
PEW: What?
S1: I heard thunder
PEW: Did ya?
S1: Yea
PEW: Why are you scared when you hear that?
S1: Yes
PEW: I think it’s cool, sometimes
S1: Scares my eyeballs out of me
PEW: Scary
S1: Yes, I know
PEW: You’re a good boy though

Am I over-analyzing when I see that her reply is completely disconnected from what he’s telling her? He’s talking about the thunder and lightning and her reply is, “You’re a good boy though” ???

S1: Yea well, bye
PEW: Bye buddy, I love you
S1: I love you too
PEW: Bye
S1: Bye Okay Mom I’m gonna give you to Dad

Of course, I’ll get on the phone and add more fuel to the ongoing fire…

LM: Hello
PEW: Hello, he thinks he’s coming home tomorrow
LM: He can come home
PEW: Please, please, please don’t do this. I’m begging you. I will meet you in [exchange point], please. If you never do anything for me again, just please meet me in [exchange point].
LM: No, I’m so tired of your manipulation it’s not even funny
PEW: Manipulating you? Please?
LM: Call me back when you decide what to do
PEW: Please meet me in [exchange point], it’s not right to do this to them
LM: Stop with the doing that to them PEW, please.
PEW: S1’s like I can’t wait to see you tomorrow
LM: I know, he’s very excited to see you, very excited
PEW: (Sigh) I can’t drive down there LM, my car will not make it
LM: Well you know we were over this before, it doesn’t, you’re always telling me to ask my family to help out your know
PEW: They’re down the [vacation home]
LM: What, and they left no cars behind at [house]?
PEW: Yea, the car, they left the [luxury vehicle] which is just as bad as this one, it’s not any better, it’s like a junker. Please meet me in [exchange point]?
LM: Are we finished? Are you coming to get them tomorrow or am I bringing them back Tuesday night?
PEW: Please meet me in [exchange point]. Why can’t you do that?
LM: The van ain’t running right?

A moment of using her own excuse against her… though I do say in question form to demonstrate facetiousness.

PEW: Well how are you going to get up here then for the hearing?
LM: I don’t have much choice do I? I’ll be driving up
(long silence)
LM: How about Kevin? Maybe Kevin can take a ride with you? Hello?
PEW: What?
LM: Well I’m certainly not going to sit here and listen to dead air on the phone the rest of the night, I wanna go back to the kids, so, e-mail me and let me know what you wanna do
PEW: Please meet me in [exchange point] LM, I’ll pay for your tolls or whatever, your gas (pause) will you do that?
LM: No
PEW: If I give you $100 will you meet me there?
LM: No
PEW: I don’t believe this. Do you have any conscience at all?
LM: Oh, I certainly do
PEW: Yea, and what is that telling you?
LM: What is my conscience telling me? My conscience is telling me that, hopefully, one day, you will understand that co-parenting and being cooperative is a two-way street, something that you have not learned in the last 18 months
PEW: I think that I have made way more compromises than you have
LM: PEW, you keep telling yourself that and I’ll keep telling you the truth, okay?
PEW: Well the truth, the truth is…
LM: I don’t want to hear your version of the truth, I already know what it is, you repeat it over and over again

[PEW hangs up and the conversation ends.]

She opted not to come get the kids and I returned them to her on Tuesday as promised.  Still, part 6 would be a morning call on the original exchange day.