The Psycho Ex Wife

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I’m often asked to share the issues that we’ve had with phone calls and the children.  I’ve written many, many times about the problems had with phone calls and 2005 was what I believe to be by far the worst year for problems on that front.

For a period of a few weeks, I was openly recording all phone calls in order to protect myself from false allegations.  This was also done due, in large part to the threatening phone call from Psycho-SIL and the threatening phone call from Psycho-FIL.  Fortunately for me, for quite some time PEW would agree to the phone calls being recorded, even claiming to be recording them at the same time herself.

It was then I discovered the depths to which she would sink in order to sabotage the time that the children and I had together.  The pattern came into focus sharply and rather quickly.  When I had figured out what it was she was doing, I was incensed and it was probably due more to not having a clue what to do about it than the mere fact that she was such a selfish, manipulative witch that she would do such things to the children just to punish me.  Sadly, it’s not an uncommon occurrence based upon the stories I see, hear, and read on a daily basis.

The following excerpts are from a conversation that took place in early July, right around the time of the entire summer vacation debacle.  The discussion opened with our mutual “I’m recording the conversation” pronouncements and acknowledgments.  She first started out talking to S2 and the discussion was uneventful and short before S1 was on the phone.

S1: Hi, Mom.
PEW: Hi, how are you doing?
S1: Good.
PEW: Good. What did you do today?
S1: Well, umm,, I went to the library, I went to the beach, and I went to the park, wait. (To S2): No, S2.
PEW: So
S1: What did you say?
PEW: I said, did you guys go to the library to get books?
S1: Umm, we didn’t get them but we read them and we played on the computer.
PEW: Cool. So, I love you. Is everything going good?
S1: Uh-huh.
PEW: Yeah? You didn’t lose your snack today, did you?

Keeping in mind that, at the time, I had the benefit of hindsight.  The cumulative effort of listening to the recordings is what ultimately tipped me off to little subtleties such as this first one.  Of all the things that PEW could discuss with the children, it isn’t long before she goes right to something negative.  This will be a pattern for her.  It encourages negative discussion about his experiences and about Dad.

S1: For good? Poor S2 did.
PEW: Really, why what did he do?
S1: S2 lost his snack cause we have a new rule for him. Cause from now on, when he pees his pants, he loses his snack.
PEW: Oh.
S1: Do you think you should add that to your list?
PEW: Maybe. Maybe. (something inaudible) …help him to remember.
S1: Yeah, he always waits until the last second. Actually, to the last minute, he’s like toodle-loodle-loo, I’m waitin’, I’m waitin’, Daddy, I peed my pants. You know?
PEW: Get in trouble?
S1: Yeah.
PEW: Oh, boy.
S1: What?
PEW: I said oh, boy.
S1: Oh.
PEW: So, I miss you.

The other obvious pattern is the incessant use of “I miss you.”  Over and over and over again.  She’ll continue to say that until she hears the same in return.  Now, I don’t begrudge any parent from missing their children in a situation such as ours.  I tend to put things in a more positive frame of mind, one that doesn’t encourage negative or “bad” thoughts about separation, but quite the opposite.  I use language like, “I’m looking forward to our next get-together!” I make a point of using an upbeat tone, too.  I don’t want the kids to feel badly about the separation, I want them to be excited about the next get-together.  (It’s also something I often recommend to parents in such situations - it’s gives the children much more positive feelings.)

S1: What?
PEW: I said I miss you.
S1: I miss you, too. I can’t wait until tomorrow. I’m gonna try to make one of those nights out where I just close my eyes and I open them again and it’s daytime.
PEW: Right.
S1: Oh, that’s easy. How do you do that again? How do you do that?
PEW: Uhh, you just fall asleep
S1: Okay.

For a bit, the discussion centered around bedtime and what television shows the boys watched that evening.

S1 and I had a discussion about how difficult it was to carry on a conversation with PEW.  In an effort to help him have the discussions be more meaningful for them, I told him to be sure to ask her about her day and about the exciting things that she may have done while they were with me.  I explained to him that if he did this, she might tell him some things that he would be interested in finding out more about.  You will see with the next segment, he employed that suggestion with great effectiveness.

S1: How was your day?
PEW: What?
S1: How was your day?
PEW: (laughs) Oh, it was good. I went to work. And uhhh…
S1: Did you visit anybody?
PEW: Huh?
S1: Did you visit anybody?
PEW: No, not today. Cause I was tired. I came right home and watched TV. And I packed more stuff for the shore.
S1: Yes!
PEW: I had to pack. That’s it. Other than that, there is nothing else.
S1: All right.
PEW: What else do you want to talk about?
S1: Well, (inaudible)… …I missed you so, and a couple times I was crying.
PEW: Really?
S1: Yeah.
PEW: When?
S1: Umm, I think, it was… Friday
PEW: Uh-huh.
S1: (inaudible)
PEW: Umm, Saturday.
S1: Okay.
PEW: You like it down there?
S1: Yeah. On Sunday I was crying. I think Friday I was crying. And, oh wait, (inaudible)
PEW: I miss you, too. But you like it down there, right?
S1: Yeah.
PEW: Huh?
S1: Yeah.
PEW: All right. (inaudible) Umm, what, did you watch any TV or no?

This is what was frustrating about these interactions.  This seems normal except - S1 was never crying!  Honest to goodness… when the boys were with us, they always had a great time.  They did plenty of activities in and around the house or out and about.  I never did quite grasp S1’s need to tell PEW that he was crying because he missed her, except that he was “trained” to do so, after all - there were a great many examples already discussed where PEW would explain to me with a sense of twisted pride that the children “cried for her” but never cried for me.  I would simply explain to her that it was because they didn’t need to cry for me because I didn’t need for them to.

She encouraged this behavior and I’ve noticed a pattern of repeatedly asking S1 if he “likes it” with me and telling him that he “sounds like” he’s sad or going to cry. Here, she repeatedly asks him if he likes it “down there” – in the hope, I believe, that he will tell her that he doesn’t.

Their discussion continued as he gave her a play-by-play of one of his favorite episodes of Spongebob Squarepants which transitioned into a discussion about their visit to my workplace where they saw the “cool robots” with which I worked.  As he’s telling her how exciting that was, she cuts him off…

PEW: I love you.
S1: I love you, too.
PEW: You’re a good boy.
S1: You’re a good mom.
PEW: (laughs) So, what’s S2 doing now? (Inaudible)
S1: Umm, talking to DW and my dad.
PEW: Oh. S2 had a lot of accidents?
S1: Yeah, that’s why he lost his snack. S2.
PEW: He’ll get it. Right?
S1: Right.
PEW: Eventually. (laughs)

Obsessively, she’s right back to the negative after she distracted him from the positive experience he was sharing with her.  The redux of S2’s bathroom accident is so out of place it’s confounding when you actually listen to it.  However, S1 again transitions into a fun experience he was having with SD1…

S1: Oh, guess what? SD1 she was singing this song, “b as banana, b-a-n-a-n-a-n-a-s. “ You know, that one? You know that song?
PEW: Right, yeah.
S1: Said b-a-n-a-n-a-n-a-s.
PEW: (laughs) Is there…
S1: Is that really how you spell bananas?
PEW: b-a-n-a-n-a-s. Yeah, bananas. Is that a cheer? Like a cheerleader cheer?
S1: I don’t know.
PEW: What was daddy doing earlier?

What?!?!?!  He’s trying to tell a story about singing with SD1 and without hesitation, she cuts him off to start the interrogation about what I was doing that day.  The phone call is supposed to be about S1 and she uses it as a vehicle to start gathering “intelligence.”  Poor kids.

S1: Umm, well, me and him were we were playin (inaudible)
PEW: I thought you were, I thought you were out somewhere? (pause) I’m actually getting daddy to meet me because my car is not running great.

Again, she cuts him off as he was presumably about to tell her something else that involved fun, actually questioning his version of events.  Worse than that - she jumps right into sucking S1, then only 6-years old, into the entire vacation pick-up/drop-off problem and does so by lying to him about her car.  Plain ole sick.

S1: What is it?
PEW: My car isn’t running great. I was going to ask him to like meet me somewhere.
S1: What did you say?
PEW: I said I was going to ask him to meet me somewhere.
S1: Who, my dad?
PEW: Yeah, with you guys.
S1: Yeah, but what’s my dad gonna do?
PEW: Oh, nothing. Just so that I don’t have to…
S1: Oh, whose car are you getting though? What?

Even written, you can get the sense of S1’s anxiety.  He knows he’s supposed to go on vacation with mom.  She’s sickeningly trying to prompt him to ask me to take them all the way back to her home because her (lie) car isn’t running right.  If you were to actually hear the discussion, you can plainly hear the apprehension in his voice as if he senses that somehow there is now some chance he won’t be able to go on vacation as he was anticipating.

PEW: I think I’m going to borrow Mom-mom’s car.
S1: What?
PEW: I’ll probably borrow Mom-mom’s car.
S1: All right.
PEW: (inaudible)
S1: Well.
PEW: (inaudible) …has [Grandpop's] car down the shore.
S1: Oh, well. I just can’t wait until tomorrow. When are you gonna be here tomorrow?
PEW: Umm, well I gotta talk to Daddy first. Let me talk to daddy first and then daddy can tell you.
S1: All right. Just tell him to give you, tell him to, after you say that, well, you can tell him to tell me. So, bye-bye.
PEW: Bye. I love you.
S1: I love you, too. Okay, S2 wants to talk to you again.
PEW: Okay.
S1: Bye.
PEW: Bye.
S1: Mom, you still there?
PEW: Yep.
S1: Okay.

What can you do?  I believe in one of the future transcripts, I monotonously confront her about the situation, shockingly, to no avail.  After a short good-night exchange with S2, her and I get really into it about the forthcoming vacation exchanges and I’m just not feeling like posting it as it’s not relevant to what I’m trying to demonstrate with this particular effort.

What you see above is going to become a repetitive pattern and, in some cases, she will employ other tactics to undermine the parenting time I had with the children.  Part 2 will demonstrate more of the same…