RM Writes: PEW is in Control!
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I haven’t done of these in a while. Time to do a little catch-up. A reader wrote me to let me know that The Psycho Ex-Wife is in control.
Dear Mister-M,
I have been in your situation in the past and made a lot of mistakes. I went to counseling and read many books on passive aggressive behavior. You should do the same. You should seek out counseling. It seems like you are consumed with your ex. SHE IS CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE! Don’t you have anything better to think about? Isn’t there a subject that you would rather write about? A hobby you could spend this much time on? Something you enjoy? If she is left without anyone to fight with, what is she going to do? Moving on and making your own life happy is the best thing you could do. Let her make her own life miserable. Don’t be a part of her games. I’ve moved on from this type of situation and I’m a lot happier. Your situation sounds like the way mine WAS. Your war is being fought from BOTH sides, not just hers. One of the best books I’ve read dealing with your situation was written by a divorce lawyer. It is called “Divorce: It’s all about control” by Stacy Phillips. I was very skeptical considering the author’s profession but it was VERY helpful. Also, reading about passive aggression helped me understand a lot about what is going on. It’s always easy to blame the other person. I had to take a good look at myself to see where I needed to make changes. I can not change my ex. I can only change the ways that I deal with her. This has made my life a lot better.
~RM
My guess is that RM was just passing-through. Aside from sharing the history (for obvious reasons) and current events, the purposes of this blog are well-detailed. Of course, you do have the option of believing that this is just a line of bullshit and I am consumed with the PEW. I can’t control that. RM might also have seen that I did get counseling, for a quite a long time, too.
Dear RM,
I appreciate your sentiments, but you’re obviously missing the point of the site. I’m certain no amount of explanation would suffice to satisfy you, so I won’t bother to try. Just know that if I didn’t think that this was helping a lot of people, I wouldn’t do it.
I’m not consumed with my ex… quite the contrary. If there is no reason to contact her, I don’t. With only the fewest exceptions, her antics don’t impact my life even a little bit.
I’ve had several years of counseling, quite successfully I might add. Very valuable lessons learned a handful of years ago.
Thanks for writing.
Sincerely,
Mister-M
I’m not sure that there was much more to say. I do appreciate the feedback and fortunately, the overwhelming majority of it is positive. I’m not sure that this could really be categorized as negative and certainly would serve as a “reality check” of sorts. Lord knows, one thing I have done is change how I deal with her. Certainly sound advice no matter who it comes from or in what form.
May 11th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Mister-M:
Your site has helped me and my husband more than I can say. My guess is that someone who doesn’t have a true PEW in their life might see you as obsessed and such. My husband and I do our best to distanct ourselves from his PEW, but the kids are impacted by her regularly. As long as the kids spend time with her or have her in their lives, she will impact our lives through them. We are hoping once they are adults the drama is reduced, but we honestly think the drama will just change.
Kids learn by the example they live with. Every time they pick up a trait of mom, it brings her into our home. It is still constant even once we let the “fight” go. Counselling did help us a lot too, but as long as the kids are in our lives, so is PEW.
Keep writing. Your site is VERY helpful to those of us in the same situation. We are 4 years into this, and have another 9 to go with the court stuff (not that I am counting).
May 11th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
You needed to hear that. I know you won’t listen because you are obsessed with hurting and punishing your ex.
It is sad because of what it does to the kids. If you would let things settle down it would be so much better for them.
Concentrate on looking for a job instead of going after her for child support. Can you imagine the anger and fear you are injecting into her life at this point with this antic?
This spills over on to the children. You can talk all you want about how this is a noble fight for “justice for men” but this is having REAL consequences for your ex and for your sons.
You are obsessed with “winning”. You need to let things settle down and get some normality. You do not need to create all this drama to go after the pittance that you would be awarded in child support.
When the marriage first ended the ex needed the child support much more than she does now. For once, put your children ahead of your ego.
May 11th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Mister-M!
Wizard is PEW!
May 11th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Wizard provides comic relief. And also is a prime example of how many people believe children only need financial support if it’s the father who is paying…
People like Id(iot) only pontificate that children need financial support from “both parents” when it’s the father who is making the greater wage.
Notice how obtaining said child support within the laws of the state is “punishing the ex” - but when the shoe was on the other foot - it apparently wasn’t/isn’t.
Notice how PEW being a deadbeat who isn’t paying child support isn’t having negative effects on the children.
This blog needs people like Id, in order to show just what fathers face in the Family Court Arena.
May 11th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Not PEW. I have read most of the material on this site and I only gradually came to my current belief about the situation.
May 11th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Interesting how quickly you move to verbal abuse because someone disagrees with you or tries to get you to see from another point of view.
As I stated earlier, there are much larger and more important things at stake here than your father’s justice crusade.
It is time to let things settle down and find whatever level of harmony is possible for the boys for the next few years.
It is not time to poke a stick into the nest and stir up all the anger and fear just to watch them fly.
May 11th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
People like ID don’t understand what this site is about. They have never had to put up with someone with BPD, they have no frame of reference.
I agree that it is not worth it to seek CS from a PEW, but the fact remains that it is the law. If MR M wants it, it is his personal choice to do so.
So what if he gets a “thrill” out of the deal, I know I did when my PEW was sending me checks. My thinking is that if he can stand the heat, go for it. If it causes her pain and suffering, oh well, she had/has it coming.
ID says; “Interesting how quickly you move to verbal abuse because someone disagrees with you or tries to get you to see from another point of view.
Calling someone a “deadbeat” who don’t pay child support is not abuse, it is the standard name given to them by the general public. Read the paper much?
May 11th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Wizard, my “idiot” reference was directed at your assessment of the current situation. I find your “verbal abuse” accusation rather hypocritical given the tone of this post and prior posts, too. Additionally, I hardly believe it’s possible, given all of the legal-abuse that we’ve suffered at the hands of PEW, that you would categorize my efforts to have the child support JUSTIFIABLY altered due to current circumstances as malicious, a desire to win at all costs, or a means to punish PEW.
Like it or not, that’s precisely how the PEW views situations such as these. What she does always has the best interests of the children in mind. What I do is a malicious, unfair, unjustified attack.
It’s a necessary situation that needs attention, no matter how you, PEW, or anyone else chooses to categorize it.
I stand by my original comment… unless you feel the seeking of child support, regardless of the gender or financial circumstances needs to be abolished for the sake of “harmony” - your advice on this front is completely worthless.
I less get a “thrill” out of the situation as I am curious how PEW, Id, and others will view the fall-out. I can guarantee you that all of the contentiousness, the accusations, the desire to see “responsibility” in the form of financial payment that have been cast my way when I was on the top end of the earning team… will not be applied the same way.
Let it be understood that Wiz/Id is the first to step up to the blog and confirm my suspicions.
May 11th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Wizard, you need to understand that you cannot reason with or make peace with a PEW (especially if they are severely mentally ill). Also, I don’t think Mister-M wants to get CS out of spite. I think he wants it because the law says that he is entitled to it, and he needs it to help support his kids when they are with him.
Mister-M raises some excellent points about gender discrimination with regard to CS. The courts don’t think that my hubby’s PEW should pay CS, even though she only gets visitation. She works and makes enough to pay at least a small amount of CS, but she is a deadbeat, so she does not contribute to my stepson’s needs. We even send clothes and toiletries over with him to make sure he isn’t neglected. If the situation were reversed, I know they would make my hubby pay.
May 11th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Interesting Wizard of Id,
If this site helps other people deal with similar situations, and behavior patterns…let it, if you get upset about it, then don’t read it…simple
May 12th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Too bad the discussion got bogged down into the same old gender politics.
As always, I cast my vote for TRULY removing gender from all post-divorce parenting decisions. There simply is no evidence at all that one gender is better than the other at parenting, nor should there ever be a disparity in requiring that all parents, male and female, support their children — financially, as well as in other ways.
That said, the real reason why I weighed in here was to second the original letter writer’s book recommendation. “Divorce: It’s all about control” by Stacy Phillips is an excellent book, and one that I use routinely in my practice as well. In fact, now that I think about it, maybe it’s time I wrote a review of that book.
So… thanks for the ping. And thanks for the reminder that not only is gender bias alive and well throughout our culture (not limited to family court), but it is also so insidious that it remains nearly undetected by those who practice it.
May 12th, 2009 at 12:43 am
“It is time to let things settle down and find whatever level of harmony is possible for the boys for the next few years.”
Wizard you simply do not know what you are talking about…this comes across as a ridiculous statement regarding “harmony” and as really really bad economic advice. He should let a debt he is not legally obligated to pay pile up with interest and all sorts of other nasty effects? How about all that benefit from the job that no longer exists, make some adjustments.
May 12th, 2009 at 6:31 am
I know RM and ID are our PEW, (HH). this past weekend we got an email sounding just like them from her. our PEW is bent on teaching the kids that their dad won’t do what is right? she wants him back now that everything has settled and she isn’t mary tyler moore, and her life is isn’t what she thought it would be! she left him 5 years ago for a dream man! she is delusional and is using the kids to try and get her husband back. the whole thing is so horrible, for the kids and us. we are so lucky my boyfriend got a way from her. he didn’t know he could have a life too. I suggest ID and RM just stay away. I couldn’t get through this without mister m…..thanks for helping us.
May 12th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Wiz, maybe the whole point is that, people like Mr.M, who recently lost their jobs, WANT to do right by their children. You see, if this ongoing depression prolongs, its gonna be the (people like Mr.M’s) children who will loose out a lot of comfort they already enjoy. Like Mr.M posted, he may not need the support now…… But what if one day he comes to need it for the children, wouldn’t it be irresponsible if he decides to act only at that time?
Also, given the priorities, wouldn’t you rather put the security of your children’s welfare above all else? I mean, given the choice of my children’s security over ‘having ongoing communications with PEW’, or ‘having to swallow my pride asking, explaining for the court for modifications’ and a lot of other stuff that I would rather not do. Wouldn’t you rather pick the same?
Another thing, you referred to it as ‘pittance.’ I don’t know your financial stature, so this may be true for you. But having had to grow up with poverty, every little dollar that could make the kids comfortable goes a long long way.
About Mr.M, he may be trying to win over the PEW. But as a whole, is he not fighting for what is right or of what is lawful?
And you are right, it is kinda noble of him to do this things. As he posted, he doesn’t have to, but he does, so he can vent, and consequently, so that others may learn from it.
And some lessons too, there is no ‘harmony’ regardless of modification or not, when you are dealing with PEW.
And on your post, you offer no point of view of any perspective. Just a suggestion to 1) think of the pew and the children, 2)let go of the fight, 3)and hope for some normality?
I’m sorry, please forgive me if i do not agree with that suggestion.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:51 am
My husband lost his job the week before Mister-M. His job loss was part of a large (1000+) layoff. He filed for a modification immediately, as per the courts direction. He was not looking to stop paying support at all, just to have it recalculated based on unemployment until he was able to get a new job. They scheduled a hearing 2 months after he filed. At the hearing no decision was made, and he was told he would get the decision in the mail within 21 days. Today is day 20, and nothing has come. During this time, he has been forced to pay the full support amount, taken right from his unemployment. Technically, he will be given a “credit” if they decide to reduce support. The credit does not pay the bills right now. Right now he still feeds his kids 3 days a week and is still required to pay all his bills. His PEW feels she should not have to work, simply because she is a mother. The kids are 10 & 13, so they are in school full-time.
With thousands of people being laid off every week, and no new jobs available, how can he survive? Right now it is my income that is paying for the things his kids need (like food and clothes). They are not my kids, and the support of them should be between the parents. Legally, that is what is supposed to happen, but his PEW is not forced to support them financially, and allowed to live off of child support. The support amount she is getting is based on an income he no longer has, with no change in sight. We live in Michigan, where unemployment is the highest in the country. Our local economy relies on the automotive industry, which has gone bankrupt. The morning news talked about local courts having to call in bankruptcy judges from other areas just to process the filings of local companies going under (the major companies file with larger courts).
When my husband got laid off, we attempted to get a consent agreement with his PEW. We offered more than the state formula if she would agree to just sign and get it processed right away. She refused. She is holding on hoping to see us go under financially due to being unable to pay our bills without his income. She is the one that is spiteful and vengeful. She is the one that is abusing the system. She is also not unique, and it basically the same as every PEW. The laws suit her just fine until it means she has to do something other than sit on her butt.
Wizard has no clue what all of this means to the kids. While the kids have the same lifestyle with PEW (living in a tiny apartment, going from church to church and bleeding them dry until they learn her scam, etc), the ability for us to even provide basic needs is nearly gone. We still have a legal responsibility to provide food and shelter for his kids when they are with us. We only want what the state law says the situation should be. We are not asking to hurt PEW, nor do I see Mister-M trying to hurt his PEW either. The goal is to provide for the children in BOTH homes.
May 12th, 2009 at 10:46 am
If Mr. M didn’t fight for the change in child support PER THE LAW then that allows the bias to continue. Until people stand up to the bias in the family court system there won’t even be hope that it can change.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:06 am
So many times I have thought to myself, “PEG is the type of person that you simply walk away from. You extricate yourself from anything to do with them, you purge them from your life — just as I’ve watched many of her “friends” do over the years.”
But when you are inextricably linked to the person through children, that option goes out the window. You are forced to deal with the person. One of the most valuable concepts taught on this site is the Low/no contact policy. I figured it out on my own, but only after years of suffering. Had I found this blog or read some of the books listed on this blogs reading list sooner, I’d have saved myself a lot of grief.
May 12th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Mister M, you have no idea how much your posts have given my husband and I the courage (and sometimes a much-needed laugh and/or reality check) to walk away from an extremely dominating and abusive situation with his PEW to low/no contact. It has literally changed our lives and probably saved our marriage.
All of us here who get support from this site would love it if the psycho exes of the world would ever allow things to “settle down” as Wizard put it, ESPECIALLY for the “BIOTCH” (we looooove that) :). However if that was ever the case there would be no reason for this site to exist, and/or no one would read it.
Thank you!
May 12th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I have to admit it, I’m obsessed with PEW, even if Mr. M isn’t. I can’t stop reading about this. It’s unreal that anyone thinks PEW should be allowed to do whatever she wants, and Mr. M should just lie down and take it. But whatev. Keep fighting the good fight.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Mister M’s PEW, to her credit, is gainfully employed and is fully capable of supporting the kids on her own. However, she chose to demand child support simply because of the state law.
If Mister M is jobless, through no fault of his own, shouldn’t he be entitled to make the same demands PEW made previously? If not, why not?
Don’t listen to the naysayers, Mister M. You’re doing the right thing. Keep fighting, you’re an inspiration to all of us.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Johneycage :
It is interesting to me that you stated the following with such bias:
“People like ID don’t understand what this site is about. They have never had to put up with someone with BPD, they have no frame of reference.”
My question to you is, do you know ID personally?? I do not…perhaps ID really is a PEW, and then maybe not. I don’t really care. What does concern me and actually affects me on a personal level, is that you or any other person who would say the same, expresses “putting up with” someone with a mental illness.
My husband and I have been married 16 years. I have a mental illness that actually causes me to work very hard everyday to be well. I have taken my recovery into my own hands, and I haven’t had a hospitalization in 16 years. I became a foster parent and cared for 12 of our county’s children. I am working part-time in the mental health system.(no less) I could go on with the list of what I do and how I’ve managed, but there is no need in this forum. I will say this to you and anyone who speaks about mental illness in the same tone, my husband hardly feels that he has to “put up” with me.
I HOPE you do not actually believe that because a person has a mental illness that they manage, they should be thrown into the same pot of people who are psycho ex’s.
I really believe Mr. M, that it would help to qualify on the site, that there is a tremendous difference in people who have mental illnesses untreated or unadmitted, from those people who are personality disordered (which is different from other mental illnesses)and/or have mental illnesses in which the person won’t take responsibility for their lives.
Not every person with a mental health issue has to be “put up with”.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:59 am
I saw a mistake in my sentences here. I left out a main point in the difference sentence that I thought I’d written: “There is a tremendous difference in someone who has a mental health disorder untreated or unadmitted, from those who have personality disorders (which is different) from those who DO take responsibility for their lives and managing their illness/s.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
New to this site. Not new to the horrors of PEW. My lovely ran off when the money stopped coming in like it used to. Not only did she leave without a word but took ownership of property in her name (I trusted her, she was my wife) and cleaned out the bank accounts. She abandoned me and took my two children with no forwarding address. I am not looking for sympathy, but I love my family more than anything and built my life around them. When the times got tough financially she books. Leaves all the bills etc.. Tough hard and trying to say the least. Now I am finding out she is serving me with some paperwork. She is from the Philippines and fled to USA. I just found her location after a year. Now I do not know how to proceed. I want to hit this right on target and with as much love or defense that is needed. I prefer the love way, but does not appear by her actions she is on the same playing field as me. Coming from a third world country (her), makes her a scrapper. Ready for a fight. I dont want to go this route, I just want to amicably agree. But this is not happening. Wont happen. Cant happen. I been through this before. I cant sleep, I am stressed all the time, I do talk to people and have and do express my feelings, but I think the bottom line is EX or whatever she is just wants me dead. Fact. Woman are so controlling and power hungry in a divorce or child custody and money. They forget about the kids and just want to screw the husband. Period. Sad. Really sad.