The Psycho Ex Wife

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We all experience our frustrations with children from time-to-time. With PEW, it was often and, in my opinion, more than most. More times than I can count, both during the marriage and since it’s end, I have listened to her complain about not being able to “handle” things. Sadly, this goes back to even when the children were little.

In all the times I’ve listened to friends or family express frustration about their children, the following phrases I never heard:

“I can’t handle the kids.”

“I can’t stand to be around the kids anymore at all.”

“These kids are up my fucking ass 24/7 and I can’t stand them anymore.”

Those are just a few. At one point in the last 4-years, she was so tired of S1 not showing her an appropriate level of worship that she actually proposed (and told him) that she would send him to live with me permanently and she would keep S2. That’s a horrible situation in which to put a (then) 7-year old.

This July 2002 sample shows what happens when I would try to give her some helpful hints to “deal” with the boys. Never, and I mean never, did I ever suggest anything on any topic to help her with anything that wasn’t met with a defensive rant. Consideration for the ideas of others was not something PEW could ever grasp. Constructive suggestions from me were always received as an all-out attack by me on her. “Always” is not an overstatement.

Something is always “wrong” with our son(s). They need psychological evaluations. They have problems. Unfortunately, even the children were not shielded from the blame. Nothing was ever her fault. Everything is always someone else’s fault - even young children.

PEW: OMG. S2 is such a buster. [Niece] and S1 went for a nap with no problem. But he wouldn’t go
LM: lol
PEW: can I just say
LM: Yes. *ducking*
PEW: what is wrong with our son
LM: lol. Which one?
PEW: LM he is in absolute frigging annoy me mode for about the past 3 weeks. S1
LM: I dunno. He either follows my rules or he goes to bed.
PEW: hurting S2, shitting his pants, whining, crying……
LM: He still whines and cries though.
PEW: i’m sorry but I can’t stand it anymore
LM: But I have him down to ONE stare on touching S2.
PEW: i can’t stand being around him at all

I can’t stand it anytime she says it. It just sounds so horrible. Her story has always been that they were unholy terrors anytime I wasn’t home. Then when I was home, they were fine. When they were with me alone, they were fine (outside of what you would expect from a 4-year old and 2-year old). With her, all hell would break loose. Worse than that, she would just refuse to accept that they were fine when with me alone. She would always think I was lying and, when she wasn’t doing that, she was making up stories about the things I would do (mostly not do) in her absence. She was clairvoyant, apparently.

LM: Well, that’s not good.
PEW: all he does is harrass me all fucking day
LM: Send him outside.
PEW: it’s really a shame
LM: I send him downstairs. He’s not to come up until I’m finished cleaning the kitchen. When I cook… they stay downstairs together until I call them for dinner.
PEW: well I don’t know what the answer is, but whatever we’re doing, it isn’t working
LM: He asks, but he is not allowed to come up until I call him. They watch me on the grill as I walk up and down the stairs…
PEW: i’m so tired of being stressed around him
LM: I get everything out, cut, and ketchuped before he can come upstairs.
PEW: i know I know, you’re great
LM: All he does is sit down and eat. No. That’s not what I’m saying.
PEW: well what are you saying
LM: What I’m saying is he only does to you what you allow him to do. In many cases.
PEW: you have NO idea what goes on when you’re not around. none
LM: Problem is… I believe every word of what you’re saying.
PEW: what? problem is?
LM: I have an idea because you tell me. I don’t beat him, hit him, I occasionally threaten him with his room. And [he] follows direction, for the most part, even if I have to tell him no 3 or 4 times. “Can I come up yet?” No. Can I come up yet? No. I want juice for dinner. No. Okay, I’ll have water then. Can you read a book? Yes. Sit down and don’t worry about S2 touching the book. I won’t let him ruin the story, I promise.
PEW: shut up

Clearly, I am helping here. In classic borderline personality fashion, this was another on the list of lose-lose situations. If I made suggestions, I was wrong. If I didn’t make suggestions, I was wrong because I wasn’t helping. To this day I wonder what it’s like to go through life never being on the wrong side of any situation.

LM: Okay. Be pissed. You sit there and complain and be pissed and try nothing different. Okay?
PEW: I do something different every week. don’t give me that shit
LM: That’s a problem.
PEW: but don’t give me advice when I’m venting, ok
LM: Do ONE thing and do it every time all the time. Okay.
PEW: I can fucking vent about the kid being a fucking pain in the ass
LM: Well, I have to be concerned when you say… I CAN’T STAND TO BE AROUND HIM AT ALL ANY TIME ANYMORE. That is what prompts advice. That is more than just a simple “vent.”
PEW: yeah, no shit
LM: Now, if that is an overstatement, I apologize. But if that is real, then it is a problem that needs resolution.
PEW: maybe you could do a little bit more around the house. then I wouldn’t be so busy that I couldn’t handle him
LM: Bullshit. I told you before, I can do shit and keep them out of my way. You opt not to do that.
PEW: but when he’s up my ASS 24/7 it’s a little different than your experience with him. bull shit
LM: No bullshit.
PEW: you don’t even try
LM: Are we talking about what I do or how I keep the kids from being up my ass? What is it you want to argue about today?
PEW: i just wanted to vent without you giving me parenting tips…. I do fucking fine without your advice. ok
LM: Then vent to somebody else.
PEW: you’re not better than me. you’re just not

Therein lies the root-cause of her reaction. My suggestions, tips, tricks meant that I was “better than her.” I wasn’t helping her, apparently, I was putting her down. I was questioning her mothering. Never was I trying to offer assistance.

I could cook, clean, do work on the PC, read books, bathe the children, walk the dogs, go for walks with the boys, mow the lawns, and all kinds of other daily household duties without using the children as an excuse for why I couldn’t do it. She rarely could and, of course, the blame would be laid at my feet. I can tell you honestly - when we were working different shifts and had the children on our own during our respective work periods - I NEVER encountered nor experienced situations where the children were the reason I didn’t get something done around the house. Her inability to provide even the slightest semblance of structure and discipline (even today) is what causes most of her issues. Nothing else.

Oh, and there is the “24/7″ thing again from the dramatist. If you were to ask her, you would think she hadn’t slept one minute in the years since the children were born.

LM: When you said you can’t stand being around our son, it became something more than a vent. I didn’t say that.
PEW: if you think you are better…..you’re wrong
LM: Stop turning it into something that it isn’t.
PEW: it is not more than a VENT
LM: It is to me. I’ll say it again, you said, “I cannot stand being around S1 at all anymore.” That’s more significant that, “S1 is being a pain in my rump” - BIG difference.
PEW: it’s a vent. well then it is to you. it doesn’t make me a bad person. i can’t stand being around you sometimes either. i think that’s normal. so kiss my ass. I said ” I can’t stand being around him anymore” which translates to….. he’s really been a fucking nudge lately. you always change one fucking word to twist it your way right. LM….. if you want me to unload on you …..I will. God knows you’ve been asking for it, otherwise, just shut the fuck up

Oh, PEW, I always knew you would. I didn’t need to ask for it.