The Psycho Ex Wife

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This post is one of many examples dating back to the birth of our first child which demonstrate the polar opposite approaches we have regarding parenting the children. Since a person with BPD or suspected of having BPD suffers from developmental issues that stifle the emotional maturation at about 10-years old (give or take a few years) - it’s unreasonable to expect that a 10-year old would know how to handle, parent, and raise children appropriately beyond some very basic needs like food, water, shelter, and clothing.

Before I really started to heed the advice of so many others dealing with similar situations involving a spouse or ex-spouse with a personality disorder and stopped engaging and getting into long email exchanges to debate a spouse incapable of understanding and accepting reality - I would do things like what will soon follow. Of course, after 10-years of this bullshit, I entered into such exercises with a realistic expectation that I was wasting my time. This email followed another phone call where, in exasperation, she tells me that she “can’t handle the kids.” Every once in a while you simply have to try to give that dose of reality.

(LM email 1/25/2006, 12:43PM)

The following are some thoughts and suggestions regarding the behavior of both S9 and S6 for which you asked my input. These are important given the ongoing circumstances, particularly where S9 is concerned.

Bedtime - It is my belief that the boys are kept up entirely too late for their age. I would suggest that their bedtime consistently be 8PM, 8:30PM at the latest (in bed). A lack of sleep contributes pretty significantly to the potential irritability of the boys. Surely you remember how cranky that they could be even at their earliest ages and that doesn’t really change so much at 4 and 7. When they’re tired, they’re cranky, and certainly more easily “set-off” when they are not well-rested. For them to be up as late as 9PM (and beyond in several cases) is not doing them any good. A lack of appropriate rest may well contribute to the frequency of their illnesses, too.

TV - It is my belief that the boys spend too much time watching television, and while I’m not exactly sure what shows that they are watching, I know that many of the cartoons that are available to them after 8PM are geared more towards children of older ages and probably contain a little more violence than S9 should be watching right now given his propensity towards physical confrontations both at home and at school. Further, it does nothing to aid the children in finding ways to interact meaningfully with one another, which, if cultivated, would help in their interaction with others at school.

Computer - It is my belief that S9 spends too much time on the computer playing games, which again fails to foster meaningful interaction with others. In fact, I found it quite disturbing that S9 acted rather demonstrative and belligerent towards you with regard to what he expected you to do and not do with regard to the Fish Tycoon game when I last came to pick them up. You did nothing. I would suggest that you spend more time with them playing interactive games like board games and such, which would certainly aid in continuing to reinforce the good sportsmanship and learning how to play well with others that I have been working so hard to teach him. Clearly, from the episodes that have taken place, S9 has not learned what is appropriate game play given that his most recent choice was to play a “game” with someone who wasn’t interested in playing, probably due entirely to the fact that the game S9 conceived of involved taking away something from J—– against her wishes. Too much computer and tv time will not aid in this development.

Books - S9 can read and does so well. You should consider both reading with him (which I am certain you already do to some degree), but also, replace some TV and computer time with easy books that he can read by himself and then when he is finished, have him tell you what the book was about and give you some highlights and stuff. It will continue to help improve not only his reading skills, but his comprehension and memory and will serve to help him with interacting with you in more positive ways instead of being hyper about when it’s his turn on the computer or what show or movie he can watch next.

Dr. M—– – Despite your contention that the boys are more unruly when they see Dr. M—–, evidence points to the contrary. His last visit being just before Christmas means he went nearly a month without incident. 3 incidents in a span of 3 weeks seems to indicate to me that S9 is missing the productive outlet that Dr. M—– provides when he has regular visits and 2 months don’t pass between them. If you haven’t already, I would be sure that Dr. M—– knows in advance of the situations and that he needs to try to aid S9 in understanding his behavior and work with communicating alternatives to being physical with others when faced with a stressful situation. I will be contacting Dr. —– prior to their next visit to discuss my concerns in this regard.

J. Neighborkid - Based on your say-so, he is apparently a really nice kid. Based on what very little I know about J. Neighborkid - he plays lots of violent video games and much of his gameplay involves guns and violence. Perhaps you should keep a closer eye on the types of games that these boys play together and more closely monitor their interaction. I know you claim that S9 and/or S6 don’t stay over there when he is playing those video games. I only hope that you are being truthful in that regard. I’m concerned for S9, S6, AND J. Neighborkid regarding the types of video games he is allowed to play at such a young age. And you still haven’t gotten back to me on the titles of those video games. You’re over there enough to know what they are, but I’m guessing you persist in failing to disclose the titles knowing that they are probably not remotely age-appropriate.

Now, while you continue to speak of S9’s ability to allegedly manipulate me without support (only that he may lie to me), you continue to demonstrate just how well he is able to do this to you. I understand that there are times when S9 is not entirely truthful. He has certain “ticks” that tend to tip me off to when he is not being forthright and ultimately, I like to believe that I get to the truth in the overwhelming majority of cases. He knows how I feel about lying. Now, last night was a prime example of what I have repeatedly told you about. We were having a calm discussion about how future instances such as this should be handled. He didn’t like the prospect of having to understand that I would suggest an increasing scale of recess-detention because missing one recess for abusive behavior didn’t seem to be working. I asked him what he thought about the possibility of losing 1 recess for each incident that occurred and gave him the for-instance of losing 5 recesses since this was his 5th incident and if there were a 6th, 7th, or more incidents, he would lose the same number of recesses. That’s when he lost control, started screaming and yelling and got off the phone.

What did you do?

You didn’t calm him down and tell him to act appropriately and continue the discussion – a discussion that you wanted me to have with him. You didn’t respond positively to my suggestion that you get on the line and we discuss the future consequences together so that he knows we are a unified front and have the same concerns about his behavior. You got belligerent with me demanding to know all of the details of our conversation. You didn’t ask him to get back on the phone as I had repeatedly and calmly asked you to do. You did exactly what he knew you would do. You badmouthed me. You repeatedly hung up the phone on me in front of the children. And, as always, rather than focus on the children, you used the situation to further undermine my relationship with the children, not only then, but by telling S9 before I had even called that I was going to tell him what his punishment was. You did this without consulting me first. You do this rather consistently and it’s all in a premeditated effort to put me in the position of “bad guy” and you in the position of “good guy.”

S9 and S6 will never listen to you if you insist that I create limits that you then never enforce. As their mother and primary caregiver, you are responsible for setting the limits and ENFORCING them, not handing them over to me. And when they break the limits, whether at school or at your home, I’m not responsible just because I’m not the primary caregiver. You need to start taking responsibility for their actions and your own actions, or they will never take responsibility for what they do. They will find someone to blame just like you do with me. In our home the boys are responsible for their own behavior and I’m responsible for teaching them appropriate behavior. I don’t call you and blame you when they misbehave here. I don’t need to call you to dish out consequences for their behavior. My desire is to have primary custody and deal with these issues more consistently and appropriately. Any time you want the roles to be reversed - instead of complaining that I don’t do primary caregiver work and pretend to believe that I don’t want that - you put it down on paper and let’s do it. Don’t pacify yourself by claiming that I don’t want the kids 24/7 - the fact is - I do.

Your behavior last night reinforced the very behavior in S9 that has you allegedly concerned. When S6 sees how you act with me on the phone, he acts the same way. No wonder he so often gets on the phone, is very short and gets off the phone – he sees how you act and acts accordingly. So it seems that you want me to solve your problems rather than working together to assist in getting S9 (and S6) to understand actions and to behave better in the future to avoid the ongoing situations that have occurred both at school and at home as you have reported.

Your actions are a template for the children. The way you act when stressed and angry is the way they will continue to act. I hear it on the phone when I call. I hear you go from zero-to-freakout when one or the other is doing something that you don’t want them to do. I hear you scream at them and get angry and threaten S6 to get on the phone with me when he is resistant – and you wonder why he doesn’t like to talk to me. And if you wish to lie about this contention, I suggest you allow me to record conversations again so we can see who is lying. I hear their reports of how you treat them when they do something that gets them in trouble. It’s not like they say “I don’t do anything wrong and mom just freaks out for no reason.” They tell me that they’ve gotten in trouble. They tell me that you hit them and threaten them with bodily harm. They tell me that you bull-rush them, chasing them to their room when they don’t go immediately upon order and, in both S9’s and S6’s words “she scares us so bad that we run to our room and shut the door.” Could some of that be fabricated or embellished? I’m sure that there is a chance that some of it may be. However, when the stories are so frequent and detailed, it’s hard to imagine that it’s all a figment of their imagination.

In your mind, it’s an easy out to blame me. But know this – the reality is that their behavior is learned and it’s learned from you. It’s learned from your family. I can’t fix that unless you’re willing to recognize that and work with me – something that I have become increasingly hopeless that you will ever do since the children are your last weapon against me. I’ve experienced nothing sadder in my life than what I have witnessed you do with these boys and I pray that someday you will wake up and change your ways before it is too late.

It’s scary that you have this ongoing alleged offer of 50/50 custody if I just come back to [her state] because you realize that these boys need me more and you need more help. You tell everyone that. You told G—- that. You told A—— that. Now that I am trying to pursue just such an opportunity that would allow that to take place and you refuse because of the impact on your finances? Demand that I pay your outstanding legal bills in exchange for 50/50 custody? Tell me that you can’t because the change in support would force you to have to change your lifestyle? If it wasn’t so sad it would make me laugh that you say one thing in the face of evaluators and attorneys and anyone who would believe your obvious lies – tell one story when it’s convenient for your agenda - and now faced with the realistic possibility that I may be able to find and get back to [her state], you refuse and will fight a joint-custody agreement. As always, it has been about the money for only one person in this relationship – YOU. Your actions, your words, and your lies have always supported that fact. During that entire discussion, there was never a mention of the positive impact a 50/50 arrangement would have on the lives of S9 and S6. Those same postive impacts that you stressed to the counselors, evaluators, and everyone else. All you spoke to was how your finances would be impacted. Sad.

So, you asked for my assistance, there it is. What you do with it is entirely up to you.

~LM

I sat and braced for the pending storm… knowing that this monumental asshole was going to go off. I couldn’t help it. Unless you’ve experienced it, you can’t begin to imagine how helpless you are as a parent when you’re dealing with a Psycho Ex-Wife with little or no capacity to grasp her own parental inadequacies.

Make no mistake about this - I do not consider myself a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. However, I do love the interaction I have with them. I love to teach the children “stuff” and get as excited about seeing them being excited about having learned something as a child on Christmas morning. I love seeing them interact with others in a positive way. I love seeing them learn from their mistakes. I love it all or, most of it.

The problem I have with PEW is, oftentimes, the children demonstrate more friggin’ common-sense and understanding than the one of the persons primarily responsible for their upbringing - their own mother. The bigger issue is, they spend so much time with her and her family of dysfunctional fucktards that I have a hard time believing that they will not grow up with some sort of “interpersonal relationship” problems, if not worse.

To be continued… Link to Parenting Issues Part II