The New Year (2005) Opens with Panic & Uncertainty
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Continuing from: Proofread or Suffer the Consequences…
The mistakes and decisions I made just to get past the next step in the miserable process didn’t have the calming effect I had hoped for. We may have had an agreement down and signed (reluctantly), but things hadn’t been going my way since the early success of the court hearing over where the boys would go to school (August 2004), followed by the break-in and restraining order situation (September 2004). The confidence I had that the PEW’s early craziness would yield me no less than a 50/50 custody arrangement had long since dissipated. I was at the end of my rope financially (pending the sale of the house) and I was defeated. My mindset started to become one of desperation.
There was an agreement on the house with a fairly fast settlement - 2 months - February 28th. I had to find a place to live fast. I was already paying close to $1,000 in child support and temporary alimony. Despite her contention that she wasn’t going to leverage her primary custody into a child support increase - a promise I had never believed - once the agreement was signed, she repeatedly made it clear that was going to be her first order of business every chance she got. In anticipation of her petitioning the court for an upward increase in child support due to my now being relegated to non-custodial parent status, I asked my attorney to run the numbers based upon having 2 children and factoring in what the costs would be for after-school childcare. He did and the news was chilling - it would be probably be “somewhere between $1,200 and $1,500 dollars per month.” At the time, my month net income was in the neighborhood of $3,100 dollars. Do the math. In a worst-case scenario, that would leave me with somewhere between $1,600 and $1,900 to pay rent/mortgage, food, utilities, insurances, clothes, kids with me and all associated costs - all of the things that most families have to pay for to live “reasonably.”
Panic. At this point, I had less than 2-months to figure out what I was going to do to adjust to living post-divorce while at the same time having to go to court more, prepare a home for sale, seriously downsize “stuff,” find a place to live, do my job - everything.
During the month of January, I would experience:
- More crazy interactions with PEW on a variety of fronts.
- Mutual disclosure between PEW and I having “significant others” in our lives.
- Car repairs to the car she kept that fell under my “warranty” portion of the agreement.
- Threats from the Psycho-SIL.
- Threats from PEW.
- The kids meeting DW for the first time.
- A sudden, surprise job opportunity.
- Court-related matters.
- A host of very, very difficult decisions.
More to come…
January 15th, 2009 at 10:00 am
This blows my mind. I was a single mom with two children. NO ONE paid half of my daycare and it was not factored into child support. Based on the numbers you have above and adding in taxes (using the tax amounts that we pay north of the border) I am going to guess that your gross yearly income would have been somewhere in the $50K range. Under our national child care guidelines you would have been paying just over $750 a month for two children.
I can’t understand how your system works down there, how it allows these PEWs to live off the child support that you pay.
I still have my two children. It doesn’t cost me $3,000 to support them (at least it shouldn’t). Including the house payments, heat, hydro, cable, phone, water and food we still come in under $3,000. (That doesn’t include extras or transportation) There are 6 people in my home. So why should their father’s share be $1,500?
Almost half of your income would be going to her. It is heart stoppingly insane. I can understand why people just give up and quit their jobs.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Often, this is where I argue against some of the “stats” that are trotted out there about how women’s “standard of living” decreases after divorce and men’s SOL increases.
When children are involved and dad is a non-custodial parent and pays child-support, right out of the gate, the mother’s household income increases while the father’s decreases.
When you learn how most state’s child support guidelines are calculated (based on “consumer spending surveys” and the reality that “both parent’s incomes” are factored into the calculation, he theoretical contribution to the overall number meant that the costs to cover the needs of the children came in at somewhere over $21,000 per year!
I can tell you that when we were married, the impact of the children on housing, utilities, food, clothes, etc - never came anywhere close to that figure.
The formula for calculating child support are based on flawed logic and are unreasonably high in most cases, regardless of the gender of the paying parent.
Essentially, the CS calculation saw me paying between $13,000 and $15,000 per year AFTER TAXES! So, I had a full-time job and ended up with a post-CS net income of a job well below my qualifications. PEW had a full-time job that paid her very well and, in addition to that, was getting untaxable income in the form of “child” support that was the equivalent of having a 2nd job that paid her between $10.00 and $12.00 per hour - and she didn’t have to do anything to get that.
Worse than that is that she would gain the tax benefits (childcare write-offs, etc.) that weren’t available to the NCP.
This is just a drop in the bucket in terms of understand just how significantly an NCP, CS paying parent is impacted financially.
Further - in cases like mine as an example, the impact is so substantial that finding appropriate living arrangements that would meet the scrutiny of the agencies involved in judging your ability to provide for children is very, very difficult and offers additional risk of even less parenting time.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I remember those days. At the time PEW started conducting her affairs openly and I moved out, we had just finished putting her through college, getting her training out of the way, and settling in one place so that I could finish college. I was working as a student, but between classes, tuition and books, I was bringing home about $800 a month (and that was during good months).
Instead of providing for the kids with the job that she had, PEW quit her job and went on public assistance. To do so, she had to swear to the county that I was a deadbeat dad, that she had no idea where I was or how to contact me (even though we argued on the phone at least once a week), and that I had a 0% timeshare with the kids (meaning that I had absolutely no relationship with them).
The county came after me to reimburse the public assistance she was collecting, and slapped me with a $548 wage garnishment, plus another $170 for “arrearages” (in California, child support is back-dated to the day the motion is filed, so even if the judgement isn’t rendered until August, the NCP owes all the way back to April when the motion was filed). I was desperate. I had to drop out of college, take any job I could get, and I had very little hope of digging myself out of that hole.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
The worst part of this is that these PEWs think that they are ENTITLED to this money. They don’t even see that it is money to care for the children. It is “MY money”.
The child support I have received has always simply gone into the household budget. It paid for rent, food, bills and clothing. I didn’t drive a car at all because we couldn’t afford it. I didn’t go out and party. Things are better financially now but there have been fights with PEW about why my children get to do something when we say we can’t afford to pay for a $300 activity that her child wants to do. My response has always been “I get child support to cover the things that DD2 needs and wants. That activity is being paid for out of the child support I receive for HER”.
But PEW asserts that child support is supposed to pay for part of her mortgage. Not food, toiletries or activities.
I just don’t understand it. It is crazy. It isn’t like you can get ahead by getting a better job or taking on a second job either because then they are entitled to MORE MONEY!
January 15th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
PEW money grabbing gives a bad name to all mothers receiving child support.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Here’s a good one you can all appreciate.
My niece had a baby out of wedlock and took the baby daddy to court for support. She got awarded the state minimum of 25 per month. He is not working at the moment cause his “leg hurts.” Of course she is working part time (w/no benefits) AND collecting day care expense and other subsidies from the state (that would be from all the other working tax payers in the state).
I keep wondering how can the system award less than what would be calculated for full-time minimum wage AND then use taxpayer dollars to effectively pay the support.
They have effectively told him “you don’t have to work, we will pay to support your child” and told the taxpayers “we will use your money to pay his support, he is not obligated to even get a minimum wage job to support his child.”
The only logic I can follow her is…if he is a deadbeat keep the award low and if he has a decent job make it as high as possible….that way the Fmaily Courts look good on the % of support collected vs. awarded…..more money from the feds for performing so well!!!!
January 20th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I’m not exactly sure what reason men would have for trying to get a decent job if they knew they were getting divorced. In fact, I’m thinking most men should take a class on recognizing the early warning signs and taking a significant employment header BEFORE the divorce takes place. Then at least the half-of-everything mentality would net the PEW less than half of everything you have. It’s unbelievable.
My Hubby was paying out $1500 per month, plus medical expenses and ALL of the marital debt when he was making significantly less than what The Egg Donor is making NOW. And he had the kids more then than she has them now. But she is paying $500/month less, is paying zero medical, zero daycare, and is still playing the “poor, picked-on, single Mom” card.
I hate the system. I hate it.