The Psycho Ex Wife

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From the “cyber email bag” came another profound email reply that will never be sent, but will be shared with as many people as we reach just the same.  It will reach people who will learn the importance of good family and great friends and how wonderful a loving support system is to getting through and beyond the mayhem that a psycho ex can bring down upon you. Thank you, “sadie”, for your submission.

Dear PEW,

Have you ever wondered why you keep “winning” the battles and losing the war? Have you wondered why your best efforts to deliver that fatal blow to my and DF’s relationship and our relationship with SS’s never hits the mark? Why it is that all the chaos and misery you fire into our lives doesn’t keep us from enjoying a strong relationship, a happy family life with our kids, and a loving and supportive home? It’s because you aren’t what you think you are.

You don’t have the power to destroy people’s lives. You have the power to make others feel unhappy, insecure, angry, but guess what? We normal people have the power to bring happiness, security, and peace to each other. So, you take your shots, cause some conflict, some hurt, some anxiety, and then we all step in and undo it with compassion, patience, and love for each other.

You don’t have the power to change people from who they are to what you want them to be. You can run them down, and make up lies about them, but guess what? We normal people have the power to celebrate and appreciate each other for being who we are. So, you take your shots and cause others to feel badly and doubt themselves, and then we all step in and undo it with admiration and respect for each other.

Everything you do is tossing pebbles at a mountain. You can’t win because you aren’t enough of a person to win. You simply don’t have what it takes, and you never will.

Sincerely,
The Normal Ones

Amen.

Anyone else have occasional problems regarding “unreimbursed medical expenses?”  I already know you probably do.  I’m not sure what chapter unreimbursed medical expenses is in the Divorcing a High-Conflict Spouse Manual.  I just know that it’s in yours.

This is the wrap-up of a story that actually started in the post Following a Path from Dentistry to Impotence and extended a little further in 2005 Thanksgiving & Christmas Planning Debacle, Part III and Part IV.  Overall, the unreimbursed medical expenses issue hasn’t actually been a big one in our history.  This circumstance was different because PEW used the incorrect insurance cards for the boys’ cleaning.  When it was repeatedly getting rejected, she had to pay out of pocket for the services and then expected me to repay her for the unreimbursed medical expenses “on demand.”  No surprise there.  Well, I couldn’t, but I did extend effort effort and courtesy to get the situation rectified with the actual dental insurance carrier.  An unfortunate clerical issue permitted this issue to drag on for months.  It started in October 2005, continued through December of 2005 (obviously) and didn’t conclude until almost February of 2006.

In the former post, I simply suggested that I would file the claim “long-hand”, submit the paperwork, and just send her the check when I got it.  For obvious reasons, they wouldn’t send a check to her.  My insurance.  My claim.  My check.  I had no problem giving her the money, but I certainly wasn’t going to pay the immediate price for her oversight.  She would have to wait.

In the latter post, by November 21st, 2005, she was asking me to call the insurance company and expedite payment directly to her.  In Part IV of that series, there is a little more where I explain that the insurance company had no record of her submitting the claim form I sent her, so nothing was done.  In light of this news, I had them email me a new one and took care of sending in the information myself.  This was interpreted by the PEW as me “sticking it to her.”  It doesn’t matter to such a self-centered freak that her failure to use the appropriate insurance cards led to the issue in the first place.  It also didn’t matter that she probably never sent in the claim form to have the matter rectified.  Yep, that’s me sticking it to her.

Just after Thanksgiving, 11/28/2005, comes this:

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In Part 3 of the Thanksgiving-Christmas headache, S2 had taken ill. This would lead to a bunch of tangential arguments and debates that were not uncommon from PEW.  Let’s conclude, shall we?

At the end of part 3, she brings up a reimbursement for dental expenses that she made into a complete disaster by not using the correct insurance cards I had given her. Then, she couldn’t get the claim situation straightened out. From there, she would badger me incessantly for the money back, too impatient to wait for me to get the reimbursement back and forward it to her. Entitlement. She screws up and I’m supposed to pay her back for her mistake immediately.

PEW,

I would love to be able to reimburse you, but unfortunately I am in no position to do that at this point. Worse… is I just called the insurance company and they have no record of receiving a claim form from you. They are emailing me one, but I imagine that I would need for you to send me all of the associated information. They said that the turnaround time on a faxed claim form is 7 business days. They won’t send it directly to you, they will send it to me, I can sign it and send it along to you. That’s the best I can do. OR… if you have a copy of the completed claim-form, the fax hotline is [fax number]. The could save at least a day.

~LM

Sounds like a good deal, right?

LM,

As far as the dentist, you are responsible for that $255.00. That’s ok though LM, anything to stick it to me. I’ll get it from you when we go to court…..that and my lost wages. I will fax the receipts tomorrow.

And No, the [Rocky's] cannot babysit for S2. I was looking for a family member.

~PEW

Oy-vey. That last comment was based on a suggestion to help her out of a jam she was in. She wanted the help but wanted to dictate who could do the covering for her. Unfortunately, my only available option was friends who didn’t believe her bullshit for one second and so they were painted black. (Many were in the aftermath of the split.)

I’m guessing she didn’t like that reply about the dentist, because what she did next without my knowledge completely defied explanation. In part 3, you’ll recall she described what the doctor said as “walking bronchitis” which she turned into pneumonia because the doctor wanted to spare her feelings. You know, because doctors do that. They tell you that a serious illness is something lesser so that the parent isn’t upset.

S2 was doing fine. The medication was working and he was well on his way back to health. Two days before Thanksgiving, she calls my oldest brother, the Thanksgiving dinner host, out of the blue and tells him that S2 has pneumonia. He immediately calls me with worry, not only for S2, but for every other guest that will be there, not the least of which is his daughter, my then 2-years old niece. His concern is legitimate based upon the information he was given. The unfortunate part was that the information he was given was totally exaggerated and he was wondering if I should be bringing an allegedly very ill child to Thanksgiving and putting everyone else at risk. I had to reassure him that everything was just fine and there was no reason for us to stay home.

Now, I can only think of one reason why PEW would pull such a stunt. That reason is to prevent us from spending Thanksgiving Day with our family. There was no other reason for her to make that call. No one in my family had heard from PEW in a long time at that point and they didn’t want to hear from her. But PEWs have a knack for rolling the grenade into the room and running.

When I find out, I’m understandably pissed.

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In Part 2 of the 2005 Christmas and Thanksgiving mess, things started to spiral out of control.  In today’s segment, the fallout will see a “double-reverse” and, as usual, we’ll make due with what we managed to obtain.

PEW,

I’m not “bargaining” with you, either. This is a simple matter of finding out if I can follow through with already arranged Thanksgiving plans without you using the children as pawns to prevent me from picking up S2.

Since you still cannot do that, I say again, I am left with no choice. I will no longer continue to knuckle-under under your threats. Sorry if that “breaks S1’s heart” - but I will explain to him that unfortunately, you and I were not able to work out the schedule.

Since I cannot plan for Thanksgiving holiday time nor Christmas week time, I will simply follow through on my usual weekend time because that’s the way you want it. That’s what’s really sad - your desire to be a ‘hard-ass’ again is what is ultimately breaking S1’s heart.

~LM

Of course I will continue to avoid bad-mouthing PEW to the children at all costs. It’s not good for them and it’s not good for me. Anytime any truths need to be shared, they should be shared carefully and in an age-appropriate way - a word of advice all normal parents should follow, even in situations such as these.

LM,

Why can’t you just come up here, stay and take him to the party? Or you leave them both here for the weekend and keep your Thanksgiving plans the way they were?? This is insane.

~PEW

Well, she got one thing right. It was certainly insane. One thing she never got through her thick head is her belief that I could just impose on other friends or family members to house me and the children whenever I asked. These are people with lives, children of their own (some very new additions), and plans of their own that weren’t going to be simply dropped whenever I wanted them to host me and the children for several days.

PEW,

1) Because I can’t afford a hotel room for the weekend.

2) Because you won’t keep a story straight on either my Thanksgiving weekend plans or what I have in mind for Christmas (either the morning of the 26th thru the 3rd or the morning of the 26th thru the 30th).

If you can commit to making sure I can keep my plans for Thanksgiving and let me spend Christmas week with them, I won’t risk losing any time with them.

It’s only “insane” because you’ve said “no” to both Thanksgiving and Christmas. And since I can’t count on you not to “revoke” your agreements once plans are set, I’d just as soon keep the schedule the way it is.

If something should change on the “housing front” for the forthcoming weekend, I would do it. If it doesn’t, I can’t. But you need to stop this “yes” and then “no” BS so that we can BOTH plan accordingly.

~LM

I couldn’t make it anymore clear. I also couldn’t understand that it wasn’t possible to make it clear because clarity isn’t a PEW strong suit. It’s always all about the engagement and nothing more.

In her next follow-up, she’d write, “You mean to tell me you can’t stay with…” …and she made a list of family and friends that I should be able to stay with, over the holidays, simply because I asked. Maybe this is also part of the borderline’s lofty sense of entitlement. Perhaps in her mind, no one else’s family plans during the holidays should take a back seat to her expectations of them.

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It would seem as though you could feel the discussions detailed in 2005 Thanksgiving & Christmas Planning Debacle, Part 1 were right on the edge of slipping away.  When you consider that mixed amongst these emails were those from the Maternal Gatekeeping post and those which follow here.  These other issues would serve as the excuse the psycho ex-wife would need to pull her mind-changing games with regard to the custody agreements, or should I say deviations this time, as she had before and as she has many times since.

The last emails on the holidays ended on 11/1/2005 but would continue a little over a week later.  The mess that comprised the maternal gatekeeping post occurred on 11/8/2005.  On 11/11/2005, I’d get the first email in a series that would make everything escalate as they normally do around the holidays. It’s also another one of those “common themes” we seem to encounter as I recount my stories here at thepsychoexwife.com. When the child has something that is of the ultimate importance that is scheduled to take place on your parenting time. In this case - someone’s birthday party.

LM,

S1 got the invitation in the mail. The party is 11/19 a Sat. He asked if he could go, I said you’re with Dad that weekend. He started to cry, I said I would talk to you and the rest he came up with himself. Feel free to write “another” letter to [evaluator3]. I’m sure she’s already figured you out…..it’s not that hard to do.

~PEW

I don’t recall one thing about what preceded this. My guess is a phone call where S1 expressed anger and disappointment and likely begged me to go to this party. Less than 1 hour later…

LM,

If you are coming up here for Thanksgiving weekend, why can’t we just trade weekends so S1 can go to this party? He’s so upset about this. Do the right thing. These things are important too. You’ll still get your time with them, in fact you’ll have an extended weekend.

This is not my fault. The kid got an invitation to a party. I need to know what you are going to do so I can RSVP.

~PEW

I can tell you I was very reluctant. Of course, the “right thing” is always what she wants to happen.  Always. This is what I refer to as a “floodgates” moment. If you let this birthday party thing happen one time, you can bet your ass that the expectation on the part of BOTH the PEW and the child is going to be that you’re expected to sacrifice your limited time with the children every single time they get invited to something. I would make exceptions for things I thought were particularly important to the boys from time-to-time. Birthday parties are one of those things which happen with enough frequency that an every-other-weekend parent can’t lose control of the situation and be railroaded into allowing it every time. I expressed my wishes while coming up with a reasonable suggestion (to a normal person it would have been reasonable).

PEW,

Let’s try to keep it simple… from my perspective, there will always be time for S1 to go to parties. So what I would like to do to head future situations like this off at the pass - in the future, S1 needs to be told “no” because there will be other parties and spending time with dad is more important. I say this simply to avoid any future confusion or problems. This way, you don’t have to tell S1 to ask me and I don’t have to worry about being put on the spot without you and I having had the opportunity to talk first. This takes care of that.

So, this time, I will acquiesce and leave S1 home so that he can go to his party. However, I will be up to pick up S2. If there is any chance you could meet in [halfway exchange point] on Friday evening, that would be super.

~LM

I put it out how these situations will be handled in the future while green-lighting S1 going to the party this time. I’ll just spend one-on-one time with S2 for the weekend and we’ll have a blast.

LM,

No I will not tell him “no”, I will leave that to you. I’ve talked to many people who have been divorced and in this very situation and their ex-spouses “worked with them” to do what is best for the children. Trading weekends here and there should not be an imposition, as you are making it. It just so happens too that S2 was invited to a party and it was “your” weekend, except I didn’t see the invitation until after the party had taken place. We also missed S1’s school hayride, because it was your weekend. Flexibillity is the key word here LM.

As far as meeting you in [exchange point] why would I do that? I have some news for you….my car is leased and I will not be putting 400 miles on it every other weekend only to me screwed at the end of the lease because you moved to [home state]. Also do you realize that it costs $40 everytime I drive out there and that’s not included in the child support that you are trying to have reduced at this time. So what are your plans for Thanksgiving? Just having them for the day? That’s my weekend actually.

As for Christmas, I realized that is my weekend. My mom has off the whole week so she’s available to watch them. You can have them on your regularly scheduled weekend, which is New Years.

Flexibility LM….

Thanks,
PEW

This is the mind of the PEW. During the school year, I get every other weekend with the boys at the time. In her distorted brain, I should be upset that the children miss an occasional birthday party and, oh my GOSH! S1 missed a school hayride! What a horrible parent I am. You know, because the children do nothing when they’re with us and we have no plans ever and all I do is plunk them down and ignore them the entire time. Well, that’s what she has fabricated in her twisted head, anyway. Those things are way more important than time with their father. Oh, and with the move-whine again…

BUT - she makes no bones about her position. Bow to my will or I will interfere with opportunities for you to spend time with the children, despite all of the pissing and moaning I do about you ‘being there for the children’ and ’spending time being their father’ and ‘helping her out with the parenting duties’ and ‘I never get a fucking break’ and all that. Is there any question about why the name psycho is perfect for describing how she operates?

So, I say YES HE CAN GO and I will only pick up S2, and that’s just not fucking good enough for the queen of mean.

She sends another…

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