The Psycho Ex Wife

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10-days after the last documented “Dance of Dysfunction” as seen in the Things Will Be Different If We Move post, we have another go’round.

I haven’t pointed it out, though you may have noticed, occasionally I will start an IM discussion about something normal, and she is just seemingly compelled to use it as an excuse to drag us into the pit of instant-message hell. S2 is 4-months old at this point and I was going to be taking him somewhere, probably a walk, and I didn’t know if we had a tote that the baby could flop around in. I couldn’t remember if we had one from S1 or not.

Now we’ve moved and things were supposed to be different, but here we are not a month past settlement and I’ve been threatened with divorce, financial devastation, the loss of the children a number of times already. The process accelerated after we moved, quite frankly. To this day, a little part of me thinks that this was actually planned well in-advance. Just how far in advance, I care not speculate. It was bad enough as it was.

LM: Do we have a “belly-pack” for S2?
PEW:: no
LM: I don’t think we want to be carting him around in that seat.
PEW:: he’s too heavy for one of those
LM: REALLY?!?!
PEW:: he can’t go in the stroller
LM: We can’t find a “bigger” one or something? Oh, yeah, I guess he can, can’t he? Duh.
PEW:: i guess. can i ask……..what does your family know of our problems??
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There’s the shift. As I think back, it’s hard for me to even recall a time where we had normal “IMversations.” I guess they may have occurred. Of course, if they did, I had no reason to save them. Still, the frequency of the IMs, emails, phone calls, etc. is rather alarming. Understate much?

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LM: Nothing.
PEW:: interesting
LM: Probably last time mentioned I was going to counseling and stuff. I get the occasional “How is everything” and I give the same ole “Fine.” Why? Did something happen?
PEW:: well, last week when your mom called…she asked me if I had gone back to the Doctor’s….. which I thought was strange since S2 is 4 months old. that was right after you told me you thought I was bipolar
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We have a 4-month old who, when born went straight to NICU. While there, an oversight occurred which resulted in an IV infiltrating causing a wound that took a long time to heal. The boy’s grandmother’s question is not unusual, except to the paranoid mind - one that would want her behavior kept secret at all costs.

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LM: MY GOODNESS! The LAST person I would tell is my Mom.
PEW:: well….then DR [LM's SIL] asked me how “everything else” was going and I don’t remember telling her anything
LM: Did you tell her about going to the Dr’s and not being able to get him shots? And then maybe she was seeing if you got back to get them? That’s not unusual.
PEW:: no…she was talking about my Doctor
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Now that I think back on it. It’s not possible she was talking about “her doctor.” If no one told her she was seeing a doctor, DR would have no cause to ask about “her doctor.” Fact is, PEW has no clue what doctor DR was talking about, but one thing I know is for sure, DR wasn’t talking about “her doctor.”

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LM: Hmmm. I have no clue.
PEW:: ok
LM: You’re back?
PEW:: well let’s just clear the air about my mental health. i’m not bipolar. i’m not crazy. i’m not “losing my marbles”. i have some depression and anxiety. as i’m sure you do from time to time. the situation with S1 and the baby is upsetting. my sister saw him today…he pinched S2 and slapped him. he’s not always being mean….I never said that
LM: Ok.
PEW:: but the majority of the time I spend during the day is correcting him …..for it…so I think I should know what the norm is…..that’s why I was so pissed
LM: So, how do I get to ask questions and discuss the matter without you freaking out on me and asking me why I’m asking?
PEW:: i don’t know
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Hey! Thanks for the help. Now I know why my parents always got so annoyed at the “I don’t know” reply when they asked a question about something that was probably of importance. Lucky for them, they didn’t have to deal with it from an alleged grown-up.

Also, the rare times she came remotely close to acknowledging that something isn’t quite right with herself, she couldn’t do it without the obligatory “as I’m sure you do from time to time” or similar language. That’s her way of telling herself she’s normal.

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LM: Why do I get the “rolleyes” when I say that his being affectionate is “not unusual” for him?
PEW:: because you have NO clue
LM: Why do I feel like I’m calling you a liar when I say simply the truth… that what you’re telling me, while true, is something I haven’t seen regularly? And… why isn’t he slapping and pinching him when I am home in even remotely the frequency you describe? These are honest questions that need to be dealt with.
PEW:: because there are two of us, when you are home. S1 doesn’t feel as left out I guess
LM: If they are going to be met with paranoia and accusations and questioning, then you’ll have to deal with it on your own.
PEW:: i’m going to video tape it all day tomorrow
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Oh no she won’t. She didn’t. She didn’t because she was off her rocker. The tape probably wouldn’t have shown me anything other than normal child behavior. Normal freshly 3-years old behavior with a new sibling in the house. If the tape did that, she wouldn’t be able to have some excuse to bitch incessantly about having to be a parent. When in doubt, blame someone else… even the kids.

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LM: Otherwise, I need straight answers without the attitude. I think that we can start by telling him that he is only allowed to touch S2’s hands and feet until he gets a little bigger. And make sure that’s all he does. Repeatedly. Just as a start.
PEW:: LM……just don’t intimate again that I have some type of mental illness or am having a breakdown
LM: Well, I apologize if my concerns bother you. I won’t do it again.
PEW:: well I’m concerned about you too
LM: I know.
PEW:: you are way more “off” than I am
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Turn the projector on.

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LM: Enough.
PEW:: well it’s true. do you need me to tell you why
LM: I’m not the one who now not only freaks out and screams at the drop of a hat, you’re also cursing and namecalling beyond all control again.
PEW:: interesting. how things change. you’ve totally taken the trust out of our relationship….so now I don’t even feel like we’re friends anymore. i can’t talk to you anymore
LM: I’m the one who gets questioned about why I ask certain questions, what my motivations are, and yet - you tell me that I’m the one who has taken trust out?
PEW:: ye
ah, that’s what i’m telling you
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Yeah. That’s normal.

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LM: Okay.
PEW:: I can’t discuss my feelings with you either
LM: Your feelings are typically barrages of accusations about things dating back years… and they are typically accompanied by namecalling, cursing, and other nonproductive stuff. It’s hardly a “discussion” of feelings and is more like a constant put-down of me and everything about me.
PEW:: well then, why not divorce me LM???? i really need to know the answer to that?
LM: Well, as usual, I’m at work. I’ve not the time to discuss our personal issues over IM at work. Sorry.
PEW:: i’m really tired of hearing how horrible I am too, you know really tired
LM: I’m sure you are. It’s pretty tough to discuss the things I love about you when you are spewing all of this hate towards me.
PEW:: hate?
LM: Ummmm… yes. You’ve not only used that word specifically on many occasions… the repeated “fucking assholes” from last night weren’t terms of endearment the last time I checked.
PEW:: well LM, when someone says….”I really care about you, but we’ve been pretty miserable together” Can I have a divorce?” and you say NO….for the 10th time….the other person starts to resent it. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. it makes us both feel pretty bad about our lives
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She feels like a prisoner in her own life? Holy crap, woman! She had no idea. None. I no longer have a shred of sympathy for her plight, sad as that may seem, but imagine how terrifying it must be to go through life like the PEW. Imagine that this is your reality. Then shudder.

All I care about is finding ways to mitigate the impact on my children. That’s it.

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LM: Don’t speak for me.
LM: Please.
PEW:: what?? things were going good though. before we moved
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Read it again, folks. “Things were going good, though. BEFORE WE MOVED.” You have got to be friggin’ kidding me.

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LM: We’ve certainly endured some significant low points, particularly recently, but I have lot to feel happy about and a ton to look forward to if we just work together. Yes, I know things were going good, and then I made the mistake of having feelings about certain situations, and despite going with your desires, still got in trouble, and continue to get in trouble over them. Then, I’m called “gay” because I have opinions about how to decorate a house… and a whole host of other things like I should just “shut my mouth” and agree with whatever you want. I didn’t cause that to happen.
PEW:: ok, so if I said….I’m the bad guy, would that make a difference?? i’m sorry that I can’t seem to accept your personality
LM: No, because I think that those things can be overcome.
PEW:: i’m sorry
LM: Call me a hardhead, but I think that this marriage and our family is worth it.
PEW:: well, I like who I am and I am not about to change for you. sorry. and you are NOT going to change for me
LM: Okay… I have work to do now… so if you’ve said your peace for the time being… I’d like to get back to it.
PEW:: fine
LM: Thank you.
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God or an angel or something or someone must have been watching over me. I cannot explain to you how I survived all of this.