MS writes: Please Help Me!
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Dear LM and DW,
I’ve become a HUGE fan of your blog over the last 6 months. I check it religiously for updates and I am much inspired by the way you handle the situation w/ so much dignity.
The man I’ve been seeing for the past year has a psycho ex. She knows about me, but is as yet, unaware that I’ve met the children. We’ve operated on the principle that it’s none of her affair. She’s seen my car at his house on the nights SHE has the children, but we make sure it isn’t there on the nights he has the children. We’ve also told the children that they should feel free to tell their mother whatever they want or nothing at all. Whatever they feel right in doing. They have not told her (very telling don’t you think?).
The other night when he had the kids she called in a panic stating that someone was prowling around her house. Begging my boyfriend to come over and check. He did. No one there. Then she begged to come over to his house for a little while as she was so afraid to be alone (rolling my eyes). He agreed to let her as I’d already gone home (I really don’t want to stay over the nights he has the kids just yet). She stole my keys while she was at his house (we’d realized on the way to my house that I’d left my keys but figured I’d get them the next day).
As soon as she left he got a bad vibe and looked in the drawer where he’d put my keys and they were gone. She’s the only one who would have taken them. I filed a police report. The next day she told him the keys were in his mailbox and there they were. We figure she probably put them there on her way to work the next morning. So here is my question. I have my keys back, but I also have text messages from her stating where she put them. Which means she’s basically admitting to taking them. I know this is petty and stupid, and while I agree w/ the low contact road, I also think I should do everything I can to press charges. It seems to me that it would be the only thing she would respect. What do you think I should do?
She’s all about the drama. Always calling his friends and family and trying to stir things up. I’ve changed my cell phone number twice because of the text messages she sends. I just think at some point she has to know what will and will not be tolerated. And while what she did was juvenile and trivial, I don’t think it should be tolerated. Please help me!
~MS
MS,
Sorry to hear about your experience. While I’m not sure I agree that I handle(d) much of this with dignity, I do try to handle them as best I can for everyone involved. Here are my suggestions for you, keep in mind they are just coming from an “everyday Joe” - I’m not an attorney and I’m not in law-enforcement:
What she did was not juvenile and trivial.
- I’m not sure what the police would do in terms of arresting her or charging her with stealing your keys.
- WHAT I AM MOST CONCERNED ABOUT IS THAT SHE HAD YOUR KEYS LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE COPIES OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. That means she could have keys to your vehicles, your home, your workplace… and you should take steps to make sure that you are protected… I’d start with having the cylinders changed on your home locks and new keys issued.
- I would (strongly) consider filing a restraining order against her to keep her away from you and your home. The police may not arrest her for theft… but the theft of the keys, the police report, her admission via text message, and her returning the keys (and your fear that she may have made copies… which MUST be detailed, I know I would be in fear of that potential) - will very likely result in a restraining order being issued against her pending a hearing. Then FOLLOW-THRU. Even that sometimes doesn’t change their behavior, but it absolutely demonstrates that you MEAN BUSINESS. If you’re going to do that, I wouldn’t delay in taking action lest your “foot-dragging” be used against you to demonstrate that you don’t actually have that fear.
- Your beau needs to recheck and re-establish some strong boundaries. She is clearly trying to keep him in her life and he is allowing it. No more “over his house for a little while” stuff. He’s asking for serious trouble and he needs to be made very clear about that.
Good luck!
~LM
August 15th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
YIKES!
I TOTALLY agree with Mr. M. Get on this and PRONTO. She could easily have copied your keys. These women are completely nuts and without a clue about boundaries.
My DH’s exW actually opened our front door one morning, with SSthen10 standing right next to her, just so she could yell through our house at DH about how he HAD to give her her CS/Alim check RIGHT THEN. She also showed up on our doorstep uninvited 2x after that. My DH did nothing. I called the police the next day after her last ‘visit’, and they told me it is important to call them asap and to have ‘proof’ if the situation changes before they can get to you (in my case, she was trespassing - had she left they would need proof that she had actually been there in order to go to her and issue her a trespass warning, and then an arrest warrant if she does it again after getting the warning).
So, what DH WAS willing to do after the last incident (since he refused to call the police any of the times) was to send her an e-mail to her, letting her know that the e-mail served as his one and only warning that if she shows up on our property again, we will call the police.
She has ‘appeared’ to tone down since then…..though she has yet to be tested…that particular night she was mad because the kids hadn’t called her that day - even though DH had JUST picked them up from her at 6p the night before. Just over 24hrs had passed and she was freaking out about not talking to the kids, though DH is forced to go numerous days without talking to them when they are with her.
You absolutely cannot trust this woman. Get yourself to the police right away. It is NOT trivial - not in the situation you are in. Is it possible that she returned the keys BECAUSE you filed the police report, and gave them her info? Would they have contacted her?
August 15th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I also agree with LM. The first thing that popped into my mind while reading your post was that she could have made copies of your keys. You CANNOT trust someone like that. You must take steps to protect yourself.
After my husband and I had been dating for a year we found out that his ex had figured out his e-mail password and had been reading all of his e-mails for at least 6-8 months. We had to file a restraining order. We also take the precaution of checking his credit bureau report every 3 months because she has previously gotten credit using his SSN.
While your boyfriend clearly needs to set some serious boundaries with her, you also need to do the same with him. His behavior was unacceptable - it’s not his place to “rescue” her, and by doing so he put your safety at risk. You need to let him know that you will not tolerate that - and then stick to your guns.
August 15th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Run through this site too, it’s full of great information on security:
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/
August 15th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Also, don’t go easy on PEW’s/PEH’s. Never do that. People have paid with their lives for doing that or for showing kindness.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I gotta disagree. You need to do everything you can to get along with this woman. If you don’t have a specific reason to worry that she will be violent or destructive with copies of your keys - don’t worry about it. Blow it off. Knee jerk reactions just cause knee jerk reactions and everything escalates. Take a deep breath and try to be friends.
I think the question you should be asking is whether you want to commit to a relationship with this guy at all. I wanna ask if the women on this blog would have known what they know know in the early days of their relationships — would have stuck with it. There are tons of guys out there — a lot of good guys with either no kids or decent relationships with their ex-wives. Find one of them. If you’re already having drama with his ex, and he is leaving you to help her out and bringing her home - move on.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
MS, this is what I read: this woman has “seen your car at his house” - really? So she what… stalks her ex while you are there; and SHE has the kids during this time? Do they know what she is out doing? Where are the kids, while she is “seeing your car” in her ex-husband’s driveway?
And yet, the kids claim they have not told her that they met you. Wanna bet? My guess is you’ve got some “moral forgers” there: kids who say/do one thing at one house and say/do another at the other house.
And let’s see, your bf and his PEW have been apart for over year, and yet he is still her first phone call whenever she hears something “go bump in the night”? And then thinks it’s okay to invite herself over… even though she knows her ex is dating someone else?
Can you say “emotionally enmeshed”?
I agree with the previous poster. Honey, this fellow has more baggage than the Samsonite factory. And zero boundaries. I think I’d be moving on, too.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:03 am
I see the key thing as a power trip/power play. She might have even been thinking they were his keys…I guess that’s what I see the cops saying. How do you know she knew they were YOUR keys…
She and he definitely have some enmeshment issues going on from the things you say. I wonder if at this time, he’s ready to venture into a relationship or if he’s really left the old one.
Mr. M gives good advice in that I’d keep up on the situation and I’d think about changing my locks. I would. IF she comes into your house or car–then it’s obvious that she’s copied the keys and then, you’d press charges and get the RO. Until then, I don’t see there is much you can do other than change the locks to protect yourself.
I would not go to the police. Would they do anything? I doubt it. You filed the report, the keys were returned. In their mind, the incident would be over.
I seriously doubt that just based upon this, that you’d be able to get a restraining order. Now, if she comes on your property, or tries to get in your house or car, that’s another matter. I see calling in the cops as a waste of time and effort at this point, but that’s just me based upon my experiences with restraining orders and cops in my locality.
What concerns me is the fact that she has been calling you to harrass you on the phone and that you’ve had to change your number 2 times already. How does she keep getting your cell number? I think I’d center on putting down a boundary there first….
Good luck.
August 16th, 2008 at 4:13 am
“Take a deep breath and try to be friends.”
With someone who has taken keys and harasses others? Not likely. I know that knee-jerking isn’t a good idea, but this is something that has to be “nipped” sooner rather than later.
That being said, I also agree with JB. “Emotional Enmeshment” indeed. :/
August 16th, 2008 at 6:37 am
Change the locks.
Then the two of you need to have a serious talk about boundaries.
If she hears a bump in the night she needs to call the police — what is he doing going over there anyways — what if there is someone trying to break in — wouldn’t you rather have the police handling it immediately? This is a total control issue on her part and a MAJOR boundary issue for him.
2nd she needs to not be in his house ever. If he did not already get that then her STEALING should be all he needs to see this one clearly. They are not married, she does not need to be in his house.
Low contact and firm/clear boundaries…..and if he doesn’t get this and follow-through then I agree with the others that you should think twice about what you are signing up for with this man.
Good luck.
August 16th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
You know, after reading more….
I am in agreement with the others regarding your BF having no boundaries with the nutjob. That is a HUUUUUGGGGE red flag for you. My nowDH was mowing his exW’s lawn on a weekly basis - that’s how she got my cell #. Stole it out of his phone while he was mowing - either took the phone out of his (stupidly) unlocked car, or just picked up the phone and looked at it when he (stupidly) left it in her house.
I told him point blank that he had a choice of continuing to mow her lawn or being with me. She was mowing her own lawn within days.
Now, had I EVER heard that she was coming over to his place and hanging out there because she was “scared”….oh, HELL no. I would probably have walked. I was unhappy enough with DH when he went to the house one night because SS called and didn’t know what to do because Vulture had fallen asleep and he ‘couldn’t’ wake her up (passed out, more like it) before setting the alarm and he didn’t know how to set it.
Well, considering DH should no longer have had the code….what the hell, exactly, did he plan to do about it? He would be trespassing, right? Oh, but he traipsed on down there….and as I recall, he found an awake Vulture right there with SS….telling him that she did NOT need his help and he needed to leave right NOW!
Luckily he learned from that one (besides the fact that I reamed him out about what a dumb move that was on his part….).
You need to figure out if this guy is hanging on to both of you for the ego stroke her attention gives him, and the normality you give him. Call him on it, point blank. That’s exactly what I did with my DH. I told him that, if his need for the attentions of such a bitchy, nasty woman was so strong, then he and I were DEFINITELY not going to work out, because I am in a whole different class than the likes of her, and I had NO intentions of acting REMOTELY like she has and does.
It’s been a long road, and has taken a LOT of patience and love on my part, but he’s gotten much better about the boundary-holding than he was at first. We’ve been married almost 3 years now.
Good luck to you - if your guy doesn’t seem to get what ‘your problem’ is regarding his ex-hag (that’s my new word for Vulture), then RUN LIKE HELL, sister.
August 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Make sure you report your keys having been stolen - not only because of copies, but if your car actually gets stolen or house broken into, you need a record of that so you have proof that she had the means and the motive to do it.
August 16th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
My first question is have you and him ever talked about boundaries?
If that is a no, and you both agree that she is a PEW, I would turn him on to this site. Let him see what other people are doing, and it will give him ideas on how to deal with the individual situation that you two have. I must admit, I had problems establishing boundaries of my own until my DW showed me this site. I knew what I wanted the boundaries to be, but had problems implementing them.
If it is a yes, I think you may want to give him an ultimatum, or consider other options.
As for the other issues you have, such as the keys. I also thought of the copied keys, but i don’t know if she would have. I don’t know her. If it was my PEW, yeah, I would change my locks.
As for the kids, she knows. One thing I have learned is the PEW’s have a knack for prying information out of kids, because they don’t care who they hurt to get what they need/want. In this case information.
As for you, Take everyone’s opinions throw them into a hat, and pull out your own. then follow through with it.
August 16th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
My advice is that your BF needs to set immediate boundaries and if not then RUN LIKE HELL. But first….change your locks and file a police report that your keys were stolen. COVER YOUR BUTT!
Obviously his ex still believes that what’s his is still hers and she’s just helping herself. And that doesn’t bode well for you.Because YOU will stand in the way of everything she thinks is still HERS.
My husband’s ex, despite being remarried, began ramping up the contact and the stalking from the time she found out he had someone in his life. Many, many things happened that I wish we had immediately responded to legally. Instead, my hubby didn’t want to create problems for the “mother of his children.” Then she actually broke into our home while we were gone to church one evening. We came home early due to one of the kids getting sick and found her in our house! She had ransacked the office and when my husband ran into the house she physically attacked and assaulted him. She was arrested that night! we got restraining orders the next day and over time they even had to be modified due to her continuous harassment by phone. We eventually moved away to escape her psycho behavior.
I got chills up my spine when reading your story. BF needs to emotionally divorce this woman and set specific boundaries and stick to them or you are in for long-term misery and possibly even danger.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:34 am
He should simply tell her to take a hike.
LK