Why Is Child Support/Alimony So Important to “Them”
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A reader recently asked me:
I’ve always wondered why the money is so important to them and why it’s such an issue? In our case again, the power was turned off in the home of [PEW] a few weeks back (misapplied payment by the utility company is the story) but in the same week she is bragging to the children she is going golfing (pardon my judgmental side but isn’t golf expensive?) and then this past weekend whisked the children off to an expensive water park resort for several days.
Now, by “them” - the readers means one or more of the following:
- The perpetually high-conflict ex-spouse.
- The ex-partner suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.
- The ex-partner suffering from any personality disorder or other mental illness.
The money is “so important” to them for two major reasons:
#1 - It’s your punishment for doing them so wrong. A perpetual fine that has nothing to do with the children. In their sick minds, each child support check is, to them, validation that you did do them harm and this is your penalty for having done so.
#2 - It’s keeps the ex (you/DH) tied to them. You can NEVER be truly free of them if you’re paying child support. Even if you have zero-communication otherwise, that check keeps you tied to them. This makes them happier than you can imagine.
~Mister-M
June 21st, 2009 at 8:12 am
Ahh! That makes perfect sense and I feel so much FREAKIN’ better now!! If our PEW feels the way you explained about child support it must really KILL her to pay US child support!!!! Bwahhhaaa Ha Ha HA!
June 21st, 2009 at 8:50 am
Agreed “power” and “control”….
I would add to that….
They apply the same non-logic to money as they do everything else in their life…they don’t have to reconcile golf and water park with electric company….life is emotion-based, not fact-based
Adding fuel to the fire in many cases….the attorney’s who are all about making money. They know that in most cases and especially cases with borderlines that the word “entitlement” solidifies their fee revenue stream — it is like a magic ATM button. Have an authority figure (like an attorney) tell a Borderline that they are “entitled” (making it about emotion — injustice, victimization) and that is all they need to get them throw tantrums, be abusive, spend a dollar to get a dime, and blame, blame, blame — and we know nothing makes them feel better than to be able to blame someone else for their troubles (and that gets us back to your #1)
June 21st, 2009 at 11:20 am
Of course, given that one of the classic symptoms of BPD includes compulsive overspending, having an additional source of income is pretty important to them, too.
June 21st, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Dear LM & DW,
This is off-topic, but could you spend some time in near-future posts on the subject of those phone calls between the boys and PEW that DW heard in your early days? I especially would like to know: (1) what exact words did PEW use to make the boys react that way, and (2) what words/actions have you used to defuse it?
Also, has PEW persuaded the boys (either explicitly or implicitly) to feel/behave unkindly toward DW? If so, could you talk about that a little? How did you know it was coming from PEW and not from the boys’ own feelings? What did you do/say to them about it? Did it work?
Anything you can offer would be very helpful.
Many thanks.
June 21st, 2009 at 4:35 pm
They’re coming, Anon… the Summer of 2005 was a toughie. There is so much going on with us right now, some important stuff, some crazy stuff (CS hearing mid-week), some fun stuff…
But the primary parental alienation efforts, family interference, and CE 2 are part of the history that we’re approaching.
June 21st, 2009 at 7:12 pm
That would be great. Don’t mean to be a pest, but I am looking forward to any insights that could help us inoculate my partner’s daughter against her mother’s interference efforts. Take care.
June 21st, 2009 at 10:35 pm
My hubby says it’s “The f*cking you get for the f*cking you got”! LMAO
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:14 am
Anon: while you are waiting for Mister-M to tell you about his experiences with PAS, please consider getting the book “Divorce Poison” by Dr. Richard Warshak. It is considered the foremost authority on addressing and dealing with parental alienation, and with good reason. There are additional references I could give you that offer amazing insight… but really truly, Dr. Warshak’s book is a great start.
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:41 am
The money thing is also ownership. Pew still feels she owns ex & is entitled to all he earns…Also, continues the victim syndrome because of course the child support is never enough and this validates pew & how awful ex is by not supporting his family which includes her! My husbands ex still tells children that their father broke his promise to her & them because he wanted her to stay home & be a full time mother. No where does she realizes that when she had an affair, asked him to leave & filed for divorce that the promise was broken by her but for 6 yrs she has been furious that she has to work and it is all thier fathers fault that she is not home to care for them….Oh by the way, nights & weekends she is never home either but that is her time and again my husbands fault….she volunteers at church, runs youth programs (scary), save the world projects but leaves what ever flavor of the month she has living with her home with the children and again that is my husbands fault. Of course, when my husband tried to get more custody or at least demanded that when she is not at home that the kids should be with him and of course the courts did not see his point….
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:15 am
Dear JB: Thanks. We have read “Divorce Poison” and also Amy J.L. Baker’s recent release, “I Don’t Want To Choose: How Middle School Kids Can Avoid Choosing One Parent Over The Other.”
My partner read through the latter book with his daughter, stopping to discuss each scenario. I think that was helpful because it focuses on making one’s own choices based on one’s own observations and judgment (a useful skill in life generally).
I just sometimes get discouraged that even though she is smart and very loving, my stepdaughter can be so influenced by her mother’s distorted thinking that she believes things about her father and me that she should know aren’t true since they are directly contradicted by her own experiences with us. I am anxious for her to grow up (she’s 13) and realize she can decide for herself based on what she observes and not what her mom tells her.
It makes me wonder what her mother tells her that is SO powerful.
Thanks for the thoughtful recommendation.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Anon - What her mother tells her is that PEW will die if SD doesn’t side with her. If SD likes you, that will kill PEW. Also, the more SD talks bad about you, the more PEW will reward SD.
My step-kids were poisoned against me in the beginning. PEW tried to tell them all kinds of awful things about me (and still does). I made sure my step-kids know that I am NOT their mother, nor do I want the job. They have a mother and I am just the person married to their father. If they don’t like me, they don’t have to spend any time with me. What ended up happening is that I backed off, and the step-kids came to me. So many times they would say “but mom said….” and I would ask them not to think about what mom said or dad said, I would challenge them to think about what they felt was right. I would never say their mom was wrong, just that I did things differently.
September 28th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Ok, what do you do when your ex-wife DOESN’T think she has BPD and holds a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy AND is blocking telephone contact with my kids AND is marrying or married to a man with a current arrest record, (Assault w/a TRO in place) AND whose new husband/fiance’ has a 17 yr old daughter that is pregnant! Why would someone want this kind of drama foisted upon our/my 2 kids???? I just think the bitch is f’ing crazy! Please help me understand???