JC writes, “Do they ever understand boundaries?”
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A recent letter from a reader…
Mister-M,
My husband just called me and directed me to check out your website…..thank you for the validation!!!!!! I’ve been saying for two long years that his ex is borderline pd, based on the bizarre interactions that have occurred, parental alienation, accusations far from the truth even when the documents state the facts, last minute disruptive changes, pressing toxic lies into the children’s brains it goes on and on.
In our case, she was escalating several days ago and I told my husband that it was going to get worse. Sure enough it did, she arrived at our home unannounced and uninvited (she has been clearly told she is not welcome here ever) with the children in her backseat, stomped over that boundary (do BPD’s ever understand boundaries?). The culmination of it all was me finally (stupidly and tragically) stepping out of the house with the phone in hand telling her to get in her car (she was going at my husband) and go away as the children were upset and she needed to leave immediately….words were exchanged (I know better than to engage, stupid me) she ended up hitting me in the face and when I dialed 911 she took the phone from my hand and threw it across the front lawn…thank goodness my son had the presence of mind from inside the house to get his cell phone and dial 911…..once she knew the police were coming she spewed more [obscenities] got in her car and drove away quite quickly.
The issue that sits heavily now is what to do in regards to the children (4 and 5) who witnessed an ugly situation. In my experience, if one backs down to any sort of personality disorder they will keep pushing the limits. I am truly vacillating over pressing the assault charges, the case sits opened at our local police station and I need to make a decision over setting a wall in the sand (forget the line in the sand we need a wall) and dealing with the fall out. This is a woman who has in the past lied to child protective services with false charges (case dismissed, caseworker irritated that her time got wasted on something so bizarrely untrue), has made false reports to the friend of the court, has lied in federal court (it’s documented and online) and ultimately will stop at nothing to get her way.
Split parenting is not working, she of course has a great job and looks like a model citizen which seems to be the norm for people with BPD, we have worked diligently to provide a healthy consistent environment for when the kids are here, though unfortunately are unsure on how to deal with precedent set in regards to parenting time and are wondering how to get a psych-eval ordered for her (though as we all know BPD goes undetected quite often, they’re sly folks). So here we sit waiting to see what lies she will report to which agency.
People don’t understand the disorder until they have lived through the hell of dealing with someone who acts in bizarre ways, gets away with terrorizing anyone who will not comply or provide “supply” and still manages to look “normal” on the surface until the mask slips and those people then move out of the picture quickly.
I’ll be studying your website to maintain some levity amidst all the chaos and am hoping we will find out better ways to shelter ourselves and find the best way to keep those young children as healthy as possible…..
Once again, thank you for putting your stories out there they are a definite asset to the rest of the population that deal with a similar situation.
Peace and Harmony to you and yours,
JC
My suggestions to her were as follows…
Dear JC,
I implore you to follow-thru on the assault charges and DO NOT relent. It’s no guarantee of a future change in custody, but her penchant for violence IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN - SHOULD weigh huge in a custody hearing.
Me… I’d be filing the assault charges and seeing it through to a conviction, and I be be filing for a permanent change in custody and requesting sole legal and physical custody of the children as a result of her escalating behavior.
Sincerely,
Mister-M
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July 2nd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I agree that you need to follow through with assault charges, and do not agree to let her plea it down. Our PEW got a HUGE kick in the a$$ when convicted of identity theft, and it follows her everywhere. She backed way off of us once she realized we would pursue all legal measures available and we would not let her actions go by without response. Still isn’t perfect, but we have had a dramatic change since that time.
Oh, and the best was the day she was arrested and fingerprinted. She came to the exchange that night looking like total crap and we could tell she had been crying for hours. DH and I had a great night that night.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Completely agree with you Mr. M. It will be painful and stressful, but JC should file charges and not back down. Otherwise it will not only continue, but get worse. If an act of physical violence is unchecked, a BPD sees it as free reign to continue.
Public chastising or getting caught is the only thing that EVER gets a BPD’s attention…the fear that they will be exposed is the only way to manage them. And even that only works for a while. Custody change would be in order here as well…
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
File chilrges immediately! And also file for a PPO. We had this very same situation which escalated into our PEW breaking and entering our home while we were gone. We returned while she was in the home. We had the children with us, and in front of them she assaulted their father, causing the need for medical attention. That was the last straw and we called 911 and she was arrested within the hour.
Before we got home she had completely ransacked our office and broke pictures and damaged other personal items in our home.
They don’t get it! Boundaries will never be self-imposed. You HAVE to impose bounaries on them or you will never have a safe place. I’m not saying it’s easy. It was hell. But guess what? We had some peace knowing that Psycho bitch was never stepping foot on our property again.
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:32 pm
1. Press Charges
2. TRO
3. Ex-parte Hearing for emergency custody hearing for the children’s sake
4. Buy a good Video recorder and keep it with you and on anytime you or the DH have to interact with the PEW
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:25 pm
definately press charges! you will regret later if you don’t. and you are right, she will do it again if you let her get away with it.
You will however, be in for some backlash - never be alone with her otherwise you can expect some fabricated charges to come back your way!
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:03 pm
File, file, file…
This is exactly what you are asking. She violated the boundary and now her future behavior will be dictated by your reaction — i.e. if you enforce the boundary or not.
My PEW had a habit of making a fuss at exchanges when we had 50/50….she kept it up and I filed for primary. I now have primary and she is under court order to not come up my driveway (which is 750ft long) and she must get someone else to do her portion of the exchanges.
This is a test…and you have a big advantage here becuase she assaulted you in front of the children….you want to limit her in the future then PRESS CHARGES!
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Okay, I’m going to disagree… I think you just file a change of parenting time with the courts. If you file assault charges it just exposes the children to more. She will be arrested… and, if may be in front of the kids, and she will play the “victim”. I think you go through the courts.
Sorry, but since I deal with an ex who has some freaky control issue going with me, my girls are the only ones that have paid for his behavior.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:44 am
Gotta go the other way on this one, Kathleen. The children will survive. You don’t sacrifice your own health and well-being… or even your life (in a worst-case scenario) to protect the children from seeing their violent, criminal mother get away with committing a crime.
Additionally, the message you send them is that it is okay for their mother to commit a violent assault on another person and no one will do anything about it.
I often preach about the things that are done/not done for the sake of “protecting the children” from something. There are places and times where that is appropriate. The criminal behavior of a parent isn’t one of them.
Further… a conviction on such an issue *may* go a long way towards nudging the parenting time issue in the favor of the non-violent parent, though, with that parent being a male/father… even that is a lofty expectation.
I’d guess that if the story read that a father came up and punched his ex-wife or ex-wife’s husband in the face in front of the children, that few (if any) would DARE suggest that the matter just be “left alone” for the sake of protecting the children from witnessing his arrest…
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:44 am
Kathleen - When we had our PEW arrested for ID theft, we arranged with the police to have it done when the kids were with us.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:34 pm
“I’d guess that if the story read that a father came up and punched his ex-wife or ex-wife’s husband in the face in front of the children, that few (if any) would DARE suggest that the matter just be “left alone” for the sake of protecting the children from witnessing his arrest…”
Precisely what I was thinking Mr-M! You beat me to it.
Come on, folks — think about it. If it was MAN assaulting a WOMAN, there would never even be a question of whether or not it would “harm the children” to arrest him. His backside would be jailed in a heartbeat, and we all know it. It’s time we held WOMEN accountable for their actions too, and quit giving them a pass just because children might be harmed by watching their mother go to jail. How much harm does it do to a child to watch their mother assault someone and get away with it?
July 5th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Hi Mister M. I just saw a documentary that speaks to court bias. It’s called “Dear Zachary”. You should watch it.
Take care
July 10th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
FILE CHARGES AGAINS THIS WOMAN JC!! NO REAL CRIME SHOULD GO UNPUNISHED; ESPECIALLY A CRIME COMMITTED IN FRONT OF HER OWN CHILDREN. HER CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW THE FACTS, AND NOW THAT THEY HAVE SEEN THE FACTS REGARDING WHAT THEIR MOTHER IS CAPABLE OF FIRSTHAND, THERE IS NO REASON WHATEVER TO LEAVE THIS SITUATION UNDONE. IT WOULD BE HORRIBLE TO LET HER GO ON SUCH A THING.
July 13th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
the sad thing here is that from my experiance the ex brought the kids along knowing full well that there was going to be an ugly scene.
she wanted to start a scene, let the kids witness it and then manipulate and twist the scenario into something else.
and that is sad…
October 5th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
But we all seem so surprised! I constantly have to remind myself not to be surprised by any of our PEW’s behavior. What I think is telling is the reaction sane people have to the BPD’s behavior. If you are sane, you react as we do…astonished by it. I initially still have that reaction when something happens, however the amount of time it takes me to think, “Oh yeah, it’s PEW…” has gotten dramatically shorter. Years ago it would have irritated my for hours or even a day or two. Now, not so much. I agree with the majority here. THROW THE BOOK AT HER! If you do not do it now, you will be putting yourself and all the children, yours and his, in very serious danger. If she is capable of hitting you, then there is nothing to stop her from hitting those babies and they need you and DH to protect them. File for an emergency hearing and get them away from her as quickly as you can.
Good Luck and our thoughts are with you!