The Psycho Ex Wife

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Time to get back to history.  The last time I wrote about how things developed over the years, we were in 2005, a particularly busy month on the road to where we are today.  So that I can move things along, I will post some of my journal entries that were not previously covered in posts about 2005.  Then, I can post about the situation that saw some difficult decisions that were made to deal with all that was taking place during that time… custody court… child support… preparing to sell the marital household… a new job… a move.  Looking back, I still wonder how I kept my sanity through it all, though some may say I didn’t!

January 4th, 2005

At the doctor’s office for the follow-up for S2’s ruptured ear-drum which occurred over the New Year’s weekend [with PEW], PEW and I mutually disclosed that we have been dating people. She told me that she wasn’t dating anyone “seriously” and I told her that I was. We discussed the potential of the boys to meet my girlfriend, and PEW appeared supportive and even gave me the idea of discussing it ahead of time with the boys and explaining to them that she was okay with the situation and happy for me (as I was for her). We departed the doctor’s office after the visit on good terms. (The boys were, as usual, fantastic at the office.) A few hours later, her tone had changed and she emailed me indicating that she didn’t think it was a good idea for reasons that appear to me to only be relevant to her apprehension and desire to control things and dictate things according to how she wants them.

I informed her that I didn’t know exactly when a meeting would happen, but that it would happen, I didn’t take the situation lightly, and that my girlfriend and I were serious enough that we acknowledged that we were ready to meet each other’s children. Several emails were exchanged and no amount of explanation I did changed PEW’s unfounded fears regarding the children being introduced to a new friend of their father’s (which is how I intend to handle the situation).

The details of what transpired after-the-fact are covered in the Meet The Children Series of posts. I had forgotten that I was still keeping a journal, so the details above show a fresh recollection of what preceded the actual meetings.

January 6th, 2005

PEW sends me an email explaining that the boys give her problems every time it is time to come with me. I explained to her that the do the same thing with me… complaining about her apartment, complaining that she yells all the time and drags them to their rooms by their arms when they cry too much, and all kinds of things. I tried to explain to PEW that this was not unusual, and that I suspected that doing so was their way of showing their love for us and letting us know that they don’t “want to leave” and stuff. I beginning to have a problem at this point, because I suspect that PEW may be trying to turn this into accusations of mistreatment of the boys and nothing could be further from the truth. I’ll have to watch this situation closely. I told her that I don’t take everything that the boys complain about as “gospel” and that she shouldn’t either. I also asked her (again) to stop with the arguments, which she continues to do.

Another in a number of experiences where the PEW can’t seem to handle the kids and is both looking to me to solve her problem as well as blame me for the occurrences, to no one’s surprise, I’m sure.

January 17th, 2005

I had the boys overnight. On the way back to the house, I told them that they were going to meet my special friend. I told them that I had discussed this with mommy and she was very happy for me and that she was okay with it (as per PEW’s suggestion from the doctor’s office). They met my girlfriend, DW, who I introduced to them as my “special friend.” Introductions were made, the boys were really cute and shy at first, but then they started chatting away with her. We played a couple of games before bed. During our usual “bedtime discussion” – both boys expressed that they liked meeting her and that she was “fun, nice, and happy.” S1 asked if she was going to be their new “step-mom.” I explained to the boys that this was not the case. Further, I explained to them (mostly S1 given S2’s age and capacity to really understand what I was telling them) that DW and I were really close, special friends and that she would treat the boys as friends as well. I continued to stress that PEW was still there mother and always will be their mother and no one can replace her as their mom. This seemed to satisfy them and S1 told me that he was “happy that you found somebody that makes you happy.” I told him that she did make me happy.

There is a tremendous amount of stress and worry that precedes a situation like this. I was blessed that it went as smoothly as it did, and quite thankful, too.

January 18th, 2005

PEW sent me an email telling me that she had made a dentist appointment for the boys (for the 20th) and she would be taking S1 out of school early to make the 2PM appointment. In my reply, I asked PEW if, this weekend, she could send over a decent pair of pants and a shirt for me to dress S1 in for school on Monday’s because previous sets of clothes I had sent him in were not coming back to me. I had been left with little more than sweat-suits, which isn’t all that bad, but I’d like to dress him a little more decently for school. She gave me a hard time and told me to “buy some pants then.” I explained to her how I had a half-dozen or so pants that have vanished over the course of recent months and that I was repeatedly getting the boys back on Fridays, specifically S1, in sweatpants and some regular shirt. I assured her that whatever she would send on Friday would be back in her possession on Monday night as it was my intention to dress him in the outfit she would send. I further explained that money was a bit tight due to the pending move, legal bills, and other bills and that I couldn’t afford to continue to buy clothes that weren’t going to come back to me when I next had the boys. However, if she didn’t want to send anything, I was okay with that, it was merely a suggestion. I also gave her a list of things that still haven’t come back, including at least 4 coats for the boys (2 for S1, 2 for S2), pants, hats, etc., just so that she knew exactly what I was talking about. I still haven’t gotten back the blue jacket for S1 and the green jacket for S2 that I last sent them over to her with. In one of the reply emails, she informed me that she just throws-out clothes that, in her opinion, “don’t fit properly” – which would account for the fact that I don’t get back what they are sent over in. I told her that, in the future, if she felt something didn’t fit properly, to let me know, send them back, and we’d deal with it accordingly, but please do not throw out any more clothes in which I dress them. After several replies in which she resorted to her usual and customary name-calling, the matter just was dropped and we moved on.

This situation was previously detailed in the post The Case of the Vanishing Clothing. Ultimately, it led to me always returning the boys in the clothes in which they came to me. I still do this today.

January 20th, 2005

In work, I receive in my work email, a horrible, threatening letter from PEW’s sister Psycho-SIL, threatening all sorts of legal action against me if I didn’t comply with a rather bizarre list of demands (and accusations) contained in the email. I forward it to my attorney and ask him to take appropriate action to see that it stops.

This situation was covered in the post Threats from the Psycho Sister-In-Law. Several days later, it was followed-up with this…

January 25, 2005

In the aftermath of the Psycho-SIL email, which PEW has apparently found out about – PEW informed me that Psycho-SIL will no longer be responsible for watching the children on Fridays. The tentative plan is for S1 to do the “walk-in” at the aftercare program on Fridays and for S2 to be with a babysitter on Fridays when PEW has to go to work. Who that will be remains to be seen, with me suggesting [my neighbors] and PEW exploring a school mother.

She didn’t want to use our neighbors, who loved our kids and watched them many times when we were married. She believed that by this point, I had “poisoned them” against her and she didn’t want anyone who didn’t like her to watch the children. It wasn’t true, of course, but that didn’t matter, once she had it in her had that someone wasn’t “on her side” - they immediately became her enemy.

There you have it. We have a dispute over counseling for the children which I’ll cover later and will also run down the events that prompted such significant, difficult life changes and decisions made by me to try and manage my life which was crumbling around me at the time.