Inconsequential Details…
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…leading up to our first custody evaluation…
In the aftermath of the protection from abuse hearing (or lack thereof), all remained eerily quiet on the road to the custody evaluation. There were a few issues that reared the ugly head from time-to-time:
Once the child-support payments were set-up, there were some snafus with the work check-runs that would prompt the regular, recurring “I didn’t get my support check” emails. Even after that was corrected, knucklehead wasn’t used to the usual red-tape delays that commonly occur because she had to have my wages garnished instead of taking my checks directly. Her choice, not mine. I finally got around to ignoring those emails after telling her a couple of times to take it up with the child support disbursement office. (For the record, I was paying $869/month for child support having them 50% of the time and also paying “temporary spousal support” to the tune of $204/month.) I’m still at a loss to figure out how I was to pay that much and her petition for spousal support was a joke. For someone who “couldn’t afford to pay reasonable attorney’s fees” - she sure was petition-happy during that period.
There was also the small matter of the direct checks I was sending her directly prior to the order. After some hemming and hawing as well as my providing ample proof via canceled checks - that was rectified as well and I received appropriate credit for payments made up to the time we finally had an order entered.
Our work schedules were tough and kind of messed-up on Fridays which brought another round of issues surrounding her desire to have her alcoholic, bipolar, untreated psycho-sister watching the children for a few hours on Fridays until I could pick them up. There was nothing I could do except document my objections. She tried to leverage my inability to adjust my work schedule into “being okay” with her sister watching the children. I simply repeated my objections and stated that there was nothing I could legally do to stop her from using psycho-SIL as a babysitter.
It was also the earliest foray into partial parallel-parenting, too. Though I still hadn’t officially heard of it, we had some problems with me sending the children over dressed in decent clothing only to have her not return the clothing. It wasn’t long before I was left with nothing but sweatpants and sweatshirts. When I asked her about returning the clothing, she informed me that they “didn’t fit right” and she disposed of them. It would be the last time I sent them back to her in anything that she didn’t first supply me with. The clothes were fine. So, from that moment on, I washed whatever it was they arrived in and sent them back home in it when it was time to return them. To this very day, I still do that. Money is tight and especially then… I couldn’t afford to have her trashing the clothes that I had purchased for them.
Between September and mid-October, we would have attended 6 custody evaluation sessions. 2 each alone. 1 together. 1 together with the children. Stay tuned…
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:01 pm
just a quick note on the clothing issue… we dealt with that issue as well and our fix was this:
Whatever clothes the kids were picked up in on Friday evening - as soon as they stepped foot in the house we sent them to their rooms to change into 'Dad' clothes and fold their 'Mom' clothes and set them aside. Then come Sunday evening just before leaving the house they again climbed into their 'Mom' clothes and returned to her in said clothes (in essence after a total of a full day in them- the day was just split by 36hrs or so). We did not go over board with supplying clothes ( a pack of underwear & socks for each, pjs, a pair of jeans, and a t-shirt or 2 - also one nice outfit to use if we were going out or had a nice event to go to).
The kids got totally used to it and still practice it to this day (10yrs down the road). I do laundry when it is convenient for 'ME' - not during what little time we had to spend with the kids.
Hope that helps if it is an option.
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:46 am
Ditto on the clothes! We would send them to BM’s for the weekend in their school clothes, and they would come back with sweats/shorts on. Then they would complain for two weeks how they didn’t have their clothes. We did the same thing you did, the second they came home, they changed and packed away the outfit from BM’s and that was what they wore back over the next time. Sad, but true!
Regarding the rest of the post - don’t you love it when they request something to make some kind of point (usually not sure what it is) and then it winds up being a huge hassle for them? Love it!
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
What is it with the clothes? Virtually every single divorced family has dealt with this. I have been in contact with literally dozens of them, and I cannot think of a single one where that scenario did not happen. Kids leave one house in decent clothing, it goes to the other house and “disappears”. Kids come from the other house in old nasty ill-fitting rags.
And the poor kids… all they would really like is to just have a home and stuff of their own again. When one or both parents choose to be combative — not gonna happen.
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
My situation was similar -
I was court ordered to make direct child support payments to ex-wife pending payroll withholding, which I did by writing checks, being careful to write down “child support for MMYY” in the memo fields. Once payroll withholding kicked in, I showed up at FOC, and asked for my credit for the checks written, having all canceled checks in hand. I was told it would not be given unless ex-wife provided a “direct credit” statement signed by her, and this despite my holding the canceled checks in hand. Now what incentive did she have to complete one for me? None! In fact, it was another excuse to screw with me. After months, including an attempt by the ex to initiate a tax return garnishment for back support (which didn’t actually exist because she hadn’t given me the credit), I finally filed a motion requesting the court grant my direct credit based on the cancelled checks (and paid the motion filing fee). Ex showed up THE DAY BEFORE the hearing and signed the direct credit form. Of course my motion was dismissed, and nothing happened to her for never completing the form in the first place. It was actually at that point that I realized that men are still marginalized in today’s child custody system.
I believe all women play from the same rulebooks in divorce.
I experienced the same BS with the clothes. Most of the clothes belonging to my son, were purchased by me for him, or gifts from my family to him. Ex wife decided one Friday, not to send son with change of clothes for the weekend, and that now all of his clothes belonged to her, and that I would have to go out and buy clothes to keep at my house for him. This forced me to go out and buy separate clothes for him, and then son had to carry a bag of dirty clothes, belonging to other parent, back and forth for the next several years.
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Wow. I can’t believe so many other people go through the clothes issues too. My PEW does the same thing except what she does is put him in clothes that don’t fit him. I get him in clothes that are at best 1 size too small (I’ve seen him in clothes that were so tight that they dug into his arms leaving marks and he wasn’t able to get them off). After we change his clothes and she gets enough new clothes, she usually stops till he needs clothes again. We end up buying him all the clothes for our house and hers. What’s worse is that we offer ahead of time to buy clothes for her and she says no every time.
I wonder if ours PEWs went to school somewhere and learned all this behavior together because it seems they all do the same things. Maybe a “How to torture your ex-husband and hurt your kids in the process” class.
October 3rd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Another vote for the clothing issue!! Every time we bought new clothes for the kids they would go to our PEW’s house and never be seen again. She would always say they didn’t fit, were inappropriate, etc. One time she went so far as to make my husbands 6 year old pose for a picture in the shirt we bought her (her arms held over her head) so she could send it to use with a nasty e-mail saying that it “showed her stomach”, and that she “wouldn’t stand for” us dressing her in clothes that “sexualized her”.
The supposedly offensive item of clothing was a long sleeved, zip front, cable knit sweater.
Yet she would send them over in clothes that were dirty, stained, two sizes two small, coats that didn’t zip, etc.
Now we have our own set of clothes at our house too. It’s just easier.
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Us too on the clothing issue, only The Egg Donor went a step further. We would send them back in decent clothing, after she’d sent them in filthy, stained, torn, too-small clothing. We spent a fortune on decent clothing, for her to take them and send us the dregs, and then she complained to her attorney that we were stealing all of the clothing she’d spent her hard-earned money (read: My Hubby’s hard-earned money that he was paying her in child support, that she was NOT spending on decent clothing for the kids but WAS spending on $400 pairs of shoes and new handbags every week) to purchase. Unbelievable.
So we, too, make them change clothes immediately, bag the clothes from her house, and they go back in EXACTLY what they showed up in. It’s unfortunate that we have to take that extra step, but I will NEVER be accused of stealing from her again.
October 4th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
My husband and I have our first court hearing on the 16th to get custody of his 17 year old daughter. He too has a “PEW” (I am convinced that she is mentally ill (my unprofessional opinion is narcissistic personality disorder, histronic personality disorder)
Your blog has given me a way to communicate with my husband about our situation, and it reminds us that we are not alone in dealing with a “PEW”
Good luck with everything
October 5th, 2008 at 5:18 am
The “mom” clothes and “dad” clothes is very clever, and it blows the wind out of PEX sails. I just hope the PEXes don’t catch on to that.
The clothing crap is an obvious set-up.