The Psycho Ex Wife

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I was going to pay some sort of penalty or restitution! Still, she’ll mirror my language and accuse me of having a “sense of entitlement” that is “baffling.”

It’s April 29th, 2004 and in the span of a mere 3-weeks, we discover why you can’t negotiate with someone with a high-conflict mindset, particularly someone having or is reasonably suspected of having borderline personality disorder.

From my offer of $25,000 which was rejected… To her demand of $30,000 which I agreed to and then she changed her mind…. To her demand of $35,000 which I agreed to and then she changed her mind… To her demand of $40,000 which I couldn’t agree to because I couldn’t make that much cash available to her. Eventually, I would offer her a full QDRO transfer of my entire main 401K (approximately $47,000) to keep the marital home, but she would reject that, too, because she was hell-bent on buying a home of her own as fast as she could.

You cannot negotiate with a BPD, especially with a negative-advocate attorney making promises that she simply would not be able to keep.

PEW: you fed the dog, right?
LM: yup
PEW: thanks. [My lawyer] should be sending a response today or tomorrow to [your lawyer] on the offer
LM: ok. Any insight? Or just a flat, thanks but no thanks?
PEW: well….it’s going to say that $40k plus the van is the minimum……if we have to litigate, i’ll be asking for more….and I’ll be having the house re-appraised because I believe the prices of houses in the neighborhood have increased over the past two months….

Yes, the “minimum.” More than half of the estimated proceeds of the home. The more valuable of the 2 vehicles. “Minimum.” Which means that no matter what I offered next, had I been stupid enough to do it a fifth time - wouldn’t have been enough. The never-agreeing BPD. The constantly moving target.

LM: Ok.
PEW: and no counter offer will be considered
LM: Very good.
PEW: and [my lawyer] thinks $40k is too little for me to be asking for
LM: Good for [your lawyer]. As long as the meter is running… that doesn’t surprise me at all.
PEW: but I told her, I’m trying to keep it as amicable as possible
LM: I hope you think it’s worth it.
PEW: i hope you think it’s worth it……i’m really starting to get very bitter about the whole thing

STARTING?!?! Starting to get bitter about the whole thing? It would appear from her clear and convincing words over the course of the last 8-years (at this point in time) - that she’s never been “unbitter” about much of anything.

AMICABLE?!?! lol… If this was amicable, I’d hate to see what was completely maniacal about the whole thing.

LM: It ain’t my fault. [Your lawyer] has you believing that you are legally entitled to some windfall.
PEW: no…I believe I am entitled to 50% of the equity in this house…..
LM: You have to listen to her advice.
PEW: 50% of your profits in the 401k since the marriage….. and 50% of everything else

Right. Got it. Notice the language… “your.” Notice the language… “entitled.” None of what limited assets she had counted. Only “your” 401K. Only “your” pre-marital equity in the home to which she contributed almost nothing at all towards mortgage payments, repairs, or other upkeep.

LM: The offer includes all that.
PEW: no…..it doesn’t
LM: It’s 50% of the TOTAL of BOTH 401 Ks. But hey… don’t listen to me. Listen to [your lawyer]. And we’ll go to court and abide by their judgement.
PEW: exactly. and you’ll wind up having to sell the house….which is what you should have done in the first place….
LM: We’ll see.
PEW: but hey…we wouldn’t be getting a divorce if you weren’t so pig headed, we will see LM.
LM: Pig headed? About what?
PEW: about this house….what it’s worth…what I’m entitled to…what you’re entitled to. it’s unbelieveable
LM: The appraisal is what it is.
PEW: this house would sell now…for about $280k. was what it was

We’d been in the house for less than 3-years at that point. We owed approximately $187,000. As I recall, the April appraisal came it at about $257,000. Pre-sale equity of about $70,000. (It appraised higher than I expected after only 2-1/2+ years… $60,000 more than the purchase price. She was cashing out at the perfect time.)

Still, she is in denial. Despite the appraisal, she still insisted that a much higher number was what it would sell for and somehow expected that she would walk into court, sans settlement, and be able to convince a judge that she was entitled to more.

LM: YOU act like I’m making up numbers.
PEW: i think I can get it reappraised for much higher
LM: Do you read any finance pages? You gonna keep getting it reappraised until someone tells you a number
you want to hear?

She would do that, too… later and on her own dime. The house would appraise in October of 2004 for an additional $18,000 ($285,000) and give her the leverage she would need (in my head) to force me to abandon my attempt to keep things as close to “as they were” for the children and I as I could. Logistical convenience for all of us be damned. Maintaining some continuity for the children be damned. She wanted her money and I would put myself into a big hole trying to maintain the home completely on my own while paying child-support and temporary alimony.

I only wish my attorney had told me to give it up, go to equitable distribution, and take your chances with a judge (that were probably really good). The beauty of hindsight…

PEW: if we go to court…..i’m arguing for 70%
LM: You can argue for 100%… There is NO case law that will justify such a judgement in your favor.
PEW: we’ll see…..I have a REAL lawyer….you don’t
LM: ok
PEW: most people would take out a home equity loan…..or sell the house if need be……not you. why you need to keep this house is beyond me
LM: I’ve explained it to you countless times.
PEW: your sense of entitlement baffles the senses
LM: It’s not entitlement. lol. If I have to move someplace distant… The kids have to go into daycare. Is that what you want? The location of the school.
PEW: so it’s ok for the kids to live in an apartment when their with me…..because their dad refuses to give me half of my money so I can buy another house
LM: The flexibility of my schedule.
PEW: HA
LM: I offered you what is reasonably expected to get from the sale of the house. And if you think a court is going to say… that we agreed to have it appraised but you don’t like the number… so you can shop for another appraiser two months later…
PEW: I like the #
LM: …I think you’re sadly mistaken.
PEW: but prices have gone up. look around. sharply
LM: You look around.
PEW: i have
LM: Not in two months, PEW.
PEW: yes in two months
LM: lol
PEW: do you read the real estate section
LM: I’m not going to argue with your financial information, PEW. You keep paying your attorney for her magical math… And we’ll figure it all out in court.
PEW: listen I didn’t put up with you for 10 years to walk away with $20k. nope

Will one of my readers let me know when you can identify a time in (m)any of these discussions where she actually focuses on what would be most beneficial to the kids? Thanks in advance.

I think she really had it in her head that my keeping the house would someone mean that I “won” and she “lost.” Clearly, she wasn’t going to have any of that.

LM: ok I told you before, I understand your position. You gotta do what you gotta do.
PEW: and you’re gonna feel like an ass when you get in front of a judge. a big ass
LM: No I won’t. We’ve been married 7-1/2 years, PEW. Not 30
PEW: I am totally confident…that my lawyer….who actually works divorces every day….
LM: You do that. This is the same lawyer who first told you $1200 a month. And reality is just under $900 a month.
PEW: if I had full custoday. custody
LM: The same one who said that the van was worth $8000
PEW: that was full custody. i said that …not her. i gave her that figure and told her to work with it
LM: ok
PEW: she told me $13,000

…and yet, she never wavered in her belief that the numbers her attorney was telling her were achievable. Even with a glaring error like this, which I would easily refute with appraisals (cars, home, collectibles, if necessary) - and my constantly telling her that her attorney was making promises that weren’t going to be kept… even when she would correct an error like the above to make the disparity worse - she was all over “70%.”

LM: Is that all for now?
PEW: no…..are you ever going to buy any groceries or are the kids going to starve when they are with you. they both need sneakers too
LM: I will when it becomes my responsibility. When you move out.
PEW: are you ever going to clean
LM: Yep… when you move out and stop making a friggin’ mess of the place.
PEW: and…..as long as I still am on the mortgage…..I will be making sure you’re keeping things up around here
LM: Oh, I can arrange to change that.
PEW: i don’t make a mess. you can try
LM: Another in a long line of IM ambushes. Thanks.
PEW: ambush?
LM: You’re clearly agitated and on the attack again. And I’ve really run out of time for this with you.
PEW: you would be agitated too if you were me. i’m moving into a little apartment with my kids…..
LM: Your choice. Not mine.
PEW: and you….are keeping our 4 bedroom home for yourself…. and the 3 whole days you’ll have them. what is my choice?

Even today I’m not sure if that “3-whole days you’ll have them” was a tip-off that she would move to go for custody of the children, but if it was - I missed it.

LM: Divorce.
PEW: getting on with my life?
LM: Moving out. Yep. You set the wheels in motion, and then blame me. Convenient.
PEW: we wouldn’t need a divorce if you ever treated me decently
LM: Yeah, I’ve heard it all before. Save it.
PEW: i had to get a divorce to get new furniture. and paint however I want
LM: No, you had to agree to budgeting and savings… and instead, ran up thousands in CC debt..> AGAIN.
PEW: sure wouldve been nice if you let me get some new furniture…..would have saved yourself $40k. actually more than that
LM: So now you’re getting a divorce for furniture? You know how ridiculous that sounds?
PEW: maybe you should have taken me out to dinner every once in a while
LM: I did.
PEW: let me get my nails done. given me some money
LM: At least once/month until you wigged out on in January.
PEW: no……you didn’t
LM: Yes, I did.
PEW: i wish you had spent all the time you spent on the computer with me…..instead…. then we wouldn’t be getting a divorce
LM: Are you done?
PEW: no LM
LM: Okay… you keep typing… I’m gonna get back to work.
PEW: well, i guess i’m done…….but if you want to know why we’re getting a divorce, think about your cheapness….the screaming in my face…..the time you spend on your “hobbies”……if you could’ve changed one of those things…..maybe this wouldn’t be happening….but you couldn’t. 10 years fighting over the same stuff…..didn’t make one ioda of a difference in you. think about all the money you could have saved yourself. I hope you’re more unselfish in your next relationship. i would hate to see the kids have to go through this again. also…what kind of loving husband….saves every arguement that we ever had……that’s just sick. you wonder why I have been wanting this for a long time. you’ve been telling me for years that you save everything I say. the only reason I can’t say it in person is that you’ll scream in my face.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times she did this same delusional rant during the course of this process. Over and over and over again.

As for thinking about all the money I could have saved myself… I have. Anytime I did, it would make my stomach lurch… and I’m not just talking about the costs of going through these divorce and custody battles… I’m talking the entire relationship. I went backwards the moment PEW came into my life and it’s been a financial “downhill” ever since.