The Psycho Ex Wife

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As you have waded through the many email exchanges I’ve posted here, you may notice a big difference in the exchanges labeled “ancient history” versus the exchanges labeled “present.” Somewhere along the lines, a lesson was learned. While the article I review here wasn’t specifically the basis for these changes in approach, it was the sage advice of those in similar situations, some of which came from William Eddy’s article(s), which served as the catalyst for the changes.

I suspected that I may be dealing with a mental illness of some sort when I approached PEW about the possibility of bipolar disorder in early 2002. Given the history and the fact that at least two of her siblings were formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the years prior to 2002 - the behaviors seemed to fit. Given our “in the trenches” experiences with both of those siblings (PP and a brother not yet described on this blog), I knew enough about the behaviors and genetic predisposition to make a reasonable assumption.

It wasn’t until the middle of 2005 that I discovered borderline personality disorder (BPD). Even so, I failed to heed the advice to resist the urge to engage in these prolonged email battles until almost a year later. Even today, the temptation to defend myself and “set the record straight” is quite strong.

When I read the criteria for diagnosis of BPD out of the DSM-IV, I had what is often described as a “lightbulb moment.” As close to bipolar as I thought she was by that time, she hits on all 9 criteria for a diagnosis (of which you only need 5). 7 criteria she hits strongly and the other 2 less so, but in my opinion - she is a borderline. Keep in mind, though, I am not “qualified” to make a diagnosis. However, as a reasonably intelligent, educated human being - I can read and understand what the DSM-IV lays out in describing these characteristics and make an educated assumption. Remember, PEW has never been formally diagnosed. Only a trained professional through counseling sessions and a review of behaviors can truly make the diagnosis.

What all of this means is that until very recently, I didn’t know with what I was dealing and obviously I repeatedly failed to handle situations accordingly when the chaos descended upon us.

Billy Eddy is an attorney, mediator, and clinical social worker with a great deal of experience in all of these issues and how they affect relationships, court hearings, children, nearly everything that can be impacted. His article regarding how to deal with hostile emails was another in a long line of wake-up calls. I pull out some excerpts and explore his thoughts and tips:

Hostile mail – especially email – has become much more common over the past decade. Most of this mail is just “venting,” and has little real significance. However, when people are involved in a formal conflict (a divorce, a workplace grievance, a homeowners’ association complaint, etc.) there may be more frequent and intensely hostile mail. There may be more people involved and it may become legally significant.

This is true of any divorce situation or formal conflict and not just when dealing with someone having or suspected of having a personality disorder. Once a conflict has presented itself, you must temper everything that you do and you must operate in a constant state of “how might my reaction to this be used against me?” You need to transition from a person driven by emotion and normal defense mechanisms to one of quiet, cool professionalism. Every email, discussion, interaction must be undertaken with a level of self-control that many of us are probably not used to maintaining under constant stressful circumstances.

1. Do you need to respond?
Much of the hostile mail today does not need a response. Letters from (ex-)spouses, angry neighbors, irritating co-workers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. Often, it is designed to get you engaged in a battle of emotional venting for the sake of relieving the writer’s anxiety.

You can see that in the older email exchanges between me and PEW. She antagonizes and I respond all-too-often with escalation and…

Generally, responding with similar emotions and hostility will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and you will just get a new piece of hostile mail back in return. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

I cannot begin to tell you how true this is. Of course, I point this out after years of having no concept that I was really making the situation worse for everybody involved.

However, some letters and emails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process… At that time, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements of fact with accurate statements of fact (leaving out your opinions). Therefore, sometimes you need to respond.

Re-read the paragraph above and then do it again. If you’re involved in a dispute, you really should be saving everything. If not for the evidence that PEW has always managed to offer, there are many false accusations which would have been incredibly more difficult to defend against and many issues for which I sought attention from the court that would have been impossible to support. It takes skill and patience to know when such an opportunity presents itself and Bill’s advice above is spot-on.

2. Don’t Respond Emotionally

Brain research shows that our ability to think rationally is impaired when we are very upset–and hostile mail can trigger many emotions.

This is where I find the “save to draft folder” option comes in handy. You need time to calm down and find that unemotional, factual professional within you. You can see the difference in my old and new emails. While failing to acknowledge PEW’s abusive rantings in the context they’re sent will sometimes drive her to escalation (as seen with the email floods she sometimes sends when I don’t reply) - you must understand that the BP thrives on the chaos and engagement. When you fail to feed them their drug of choice - you render them powerless. You really do. Take a walk. Go for a ride with the windows down. Don’t respond emotionally. Once that email is sent - it becomes a potential piece of evidence - treat it that way!

3. Determine Your Goal Before You Write

Is your goal to get the other person to do something? If so, focus on what you want the person to do – not on what he or she did wrong. Avoid focusing on comments about the person’s character, such as saying he or she is rude, insensitive, or stupid.

This is what I refer to as premeditated emailing. Knowing that PEW wants nothing more than to have my attention, even if it is negative attention, I understand that it is extremely hard for her to resist firing something back. So, if I need her to acknowledge she did something wrong, if I need her to acknowledge I didn’t do something wrong, I know that I can almost always count on her to provide me evidence.

Once you have identified your goal, I recommend writing a B.I.F.F. response: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.

You have seen examples and will see more - where I can be a complete windbag of text. Doing so only confuses the situation. It doesn’t add focus or clarity. It’s an electronic version of flailing wildly about with no specific purpose. More sage advice with B.I.F.F. The less you give the other person to respond to, the more focused you may make them. In doing so, they may provide you something that will prove useful. It has worked for me many times. It may seem underhanded, but it’s not - remember that there are often many lives which are affected by adverse behaviors. You must protect yourself and those you love. In my case - my children and their future. In bigger cases, DW and her children, too. PEW can cast a wide net. There are too many resources out there rife for abuse against you and your loved ones. Exercise caution and don’t undermine yourself.

Conclusion

Whether you are at work, at home or elsewhere, a B.I.F.F. response can save you time and emotional anguish. The more that people handle hostile mail in a manner such as this, the less hostile mail there will be.

Need I say more? You’ll see countless examples of historical exchanges where I didn’t know what I was dealing with and my reactions only exacerbated the situation. Even today, I sometimes am faced with the struggle: How To Inappropriately Respond to Hostile Emails…