The Psycho Ex Wife

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This is a very enlightening article (one among many from Bill Eddy) which offers a bit about his background and how he came to be so intimately involved in several key aspects of the adversarial divorce process and understanding it’s evolution. As an attorney, mediator, and clinical social worker - his experience across these areas of expertise have given him some incredible insight into just how personality disordered individuals can thrive in the court system.

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Since more flexible and cost-conscious people nowadays are resolving their divorces in mediation, attorney-assisted negotiation, or just by themselves, those cases remaining in litigation may be increasingly driven by personality disorders.

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I’ve been at the courthouse more times than I care to remember. Including all of my own various activities, I’ve had the displeasure of watching the interactions of others involved in divorce & custody disputes and without Eddy’s background - I’m inclined to believe his assessment.

My own situation could have ended quickly, cleanly, and with the minimal expense. I chose my original attorney with that in mind. PEW was saying “all the right things” which froze me in my shoes expecting the “amicable and friendly” divorce that most reasonable people who are faced with divorce desire. Once she got a negative-advocate attorney on her side, that ideal was dashed, along with everyone’s financial futures, especially the children’s. Every single day in America…

I’m compelled to believe the PEW’s compulsion to litigate is fueled by her personality disorder. No normal, rational human being wants to file so many motions and petitions over the course of nearly 4-years (and counting). It’s probably in excess of 30 at this point.

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The Nature of a Personality Disorder

A personality disorder does not usually go away except in a corrective on-going relationship - such as several years in a counseling relationship. Until then, the person may constantly seek a corrective experience through a series of unsatisfying relationships, through their children, or through the court process. In a sense, untreated personality disorders don’t fade away - they just change venue.

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Boy, do they ever. Even after getting the divorce she never fails to say she desperately wanted for so long, the madness just doesn’t stop. At the very least I had thought that the combativeness would end. It didn’t. As Eddy describes above - it just changed venue. She is like an actress on a stage, every new petition and hearing is another chance to perform for her newest audience. Only, her audience isn’t changing so often and those who have repeatedly been witness to her act are becoming more and more wise to it.

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Personality Disorders Appearing in Family Court

Probably the most prevalent personality disorder in family court is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) - more commonly seen in women. BPD may be characterized by wide mood swings, intense anger even at benign events, idealization (such as of their spouse - or attorney) followed by devaluation (such as of their spouse - or attorney).

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One disorder among several that Eddy briefs in this article (HPD, NPD, DPD). There were occasions when, during a single hearing, all of the above characteristics would show. Of course, early “victories” spurred her self-promotion and accolades for her attorney(s). However, as she became more aggressive in her approach, often foolishly so, her behavior would be exposed for what it is, and her “losses” would start to mount.

The firing of her first attorney was done with a significant level of blame for various issues the fault of her counsel. It couldn’t possibly have been PEW’s outrageous demands, accusations, and behavior. There was also a matter of payment for services rendered I heard about, but never did hear the resolution. I recall there being some kind of a release that attorney #1 had PEW sign prior to turning over the case files to attorney #2. I’d bet money that attorney #1 discovered how whacked her client was and protected herself from unending future litigation. Oh, how I wish I could have had her “sign a release” to avoid the same.

The firing of her second attorney was almost identical, though there were no early victories anymore. Just losses. Little by little. These were, again, due to outrageous demands, accusations, and behavior. I know that some of my “evidence” was met with serious surprise on his part and he discovered that his client was, well - full-of-shit for the most part (if not the whole part). I actually remember the last time I saw him before walking out of court one day. After my having a successful hearing, he winked and gave me what appeared to be an almost reassuring smile. Maybe I misinterpreted it, but I swear to you - I think I saw relief in his eyes that he was done with it. At the risk of repeating myself - there was also a matter of payment…

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Cognitive Distortions and False Statement

Lying may be justified in their eyes - possibly to bring a reconciliation. (This can be quite convoluted, like the former wife who alleged child sexual abuse so that her ex-husband’s new wife would divorce him and he would return to her - or so she seemed to believe.) Or lying may be justified as a punishment in their eyes. Just as we have seen that an angry spouse may kill the other spouse, it is not surprising that many angry spouses lie under oath. There is rarely any consequence for this, as family court judges often believe the truth cannot be known - or that both are lying.

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No fewer than 6 petitions against me for contempt alone - all based entirely on completely false and/or stories embellished to the point of pure fantasy. All of them dismissed against me (quite simply because they were completely unsupported by even a shred of objective evidence). Yet, there have been no sanctions despite the empty threat of prosecution for “making false sworn statements” right above where the petitioner signs.

That doesn’t even consider all of the perjury during the countless other hearings, the accusations of physical, mental, verbal, psychological abuse… against her, against the children, drug abuse, homosexuality, alcohol abuse - you name it, she’s rolled it out in court without evidence nor subsequent punishment.

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Projection

It is not uncommon in family court declarations for one with a personality disorder to claim the other party has characteristics which are really their own (”he’s manipulative and falsely charming” or
“she’s hiding information and delaying the process”), and do not fit the other party. Spousal abusers claim the other is being abusive. Liars claim the other is lying.

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This is The Psycho Ex-Wife.

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How Family Court Fits Personality Disorders

Those with personality disorders often have an intensity that convinces inexperienced professionals - counselors and attorneys - that what they say is true. Their charm, desperation, and drive can reach a high level in this very emotional, bonding process with the professional. Yet this intensity is a characteristic of a personality disorder, and is completely independent from the accuracy of their claims.

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Yes, this has been my experience with The PEW. I did manage to encounter one professional “in the system” who seemed to dial herself into the PEW’s behavior rather quickly. Something didn’t quite sit well with her and, unlike most of the other professionals, who just parroted her unfounded accusations as if they were proven fact and always made recommendations against me, this one was different. If her hands weren’t tied, I truly believe that the custody evaluator #2 would have made a dramatically different recommendation. She was the only one.

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What Can Be Done

Judges, attorneys, and family court counselors need to be trained in identifying personality disorders and how to treat them. Mostly, a corrective on-going relationship is needed - preferably with a counselor. However, they usually must be ordered into this because their belief systems include a life-time of denial and avoidance of self-reflection.

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Unfortunately, this takes time and investment - something unlikely to occur with people who have gotten quite comfortable with their place and purpose in the divorce industry - which is to cultivate the adversarial process and extract the maximum amount of funds from all parties. Then, when there is nothing left - they abandon them and move onto the next family.

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Therapists, in addition to being supportive, need to help clients challenge their own thinking: about their own role in the dispute; about the accuracy of their view of the other party; and about their high expectations of the court.

Likewise, attorneys need to also challenge their clients’ thinking and not accept their declarations at face value. More time should be spent educating them to focus on negotiating solutions, rather than escalating blame.

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Another lofty expectation from people whose livelihoods depends upon their clients need of their services and paying for them. Challenging them means a tremendous risk of losing their paying client to another, less inclined competitor, who will do exactly what a PEW wants them to do until the funds run out or they can no longer deal with her bizarre behavior. This already happened twice to her, which is a small number compared to many others I know involved in litigation with a PD ex-spouse.

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As it applies to California, the court should make greater use of sanctions under Family Code Section 271 for parties and attorneys who refuse to negotiate and unnecessarily escalate the conflict and costs of litigation.

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Will someone let me know when a mother gets sanctioned for doing any such thing? Just click the “contact” link at the top of the page for our email.

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The court must realize that the parties are often not equally at fault. One or both parties may have a personality disorder, but that does not necessarily mean both are offenders (violent, manipulative, or lying). A non-offending, dependent spouse may truly need the court’s assistance in dealing with the offender. The court should not be neutralized by mutual allegations without looking deeper. Otherwise, because of their personality style, the most offending party is often able to continue their offender behavior - either by matching the other’s true allegations for a neutral outcome, or by being the most skilled at briefly looking good and thereby receiving the court’s endorsement.

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I bolded that first sentence because if there is a single, most frustrating thing for myself and many, many people going through the divorce industry with a spouse suffering from a personality disorder. It’s this “default mindset” that blame is shared equally. I believe that more deeply, this is a societal issue. Almost worse than “nothing is ever my fault” - is, “everything is our fault equally.” Too many people have experienced this “both parents are to blame equally” mindset from judges, evaluators, conference officers - and if one parent dare deviate from this mantra - they are the liars and the resulting rulings & recommendations will reflect their disbelief of what you’ve attempted to convey.

The article is much more in depth and a worthwhile read.

How Personality Disorders Drive Family Court Litigation,By William A. Eddy, LCSW, Esq.