The Psycho Ex Wife

Due to the scary escalation of the last encounter, I decided that without her, I needed to find a way to stop the madness. I was going to seek counseling to deal with my own issues, whatever they were, and find a new way to handle things when the inevitable arguments came along. Clearly, engaging in a screaming match doesn’t help. Logic doesn’t help. Reason doesn’t help. Sarcasm doesn’t help. Giving-in doesn’t help. Agreeing and patronizing doesn’t help. Nothing was working.

I started counseling on my own. Joint counseling had failed approximately 3-times before and I really wasn’t interested in sitting through one or two or three sessions only to have her bail out again. This time, I was going to see what I could discover on my own without her interference. Well, it wasn’t long before I discovered that the “without her interference” part was too lofty an expectation.

Another IMversation starts nicely enough, but turns into the regular ambush via computer while I’l at work.

LM: HI. How you?
PEW: good, you?
LM: Good. Son?
PEW: he’s nappin. he’s good though
LM: Good.
PEW: how was the appt
LM: Fetus?
PEW: good
LM: Appt. good.
PEW: good
LM: good.
PEW: so now that you’ve met with the guys twice what do you think of him
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See how nicely it starts off? You are lulled into this sense of normalcy and begin having what appears to be a normal discussion. At this point you’re probably thinking, “Does this guy ever learn?” No, not really. Not for many years left to come.
———–
LM: So far so good. I’ve only been “cleared” for 4 visits.
PEW: cleared by who?
LM: Next two will be to work a little harder and get some direction for anything after I’m done with him. Insurance. 4 “freebies”
PEW: I don’t understand what you mean about the next 2
LM: I’ve had 2. I have 2 more with him. Then I have to go elsewhere on referral. We can thank insurance for that, too.
PEW: so basically this time you’ve spent with him is a waste
LM: No… but I’ll just need to carry on elsewhere after 4 visits.
PEW: so I’ll never speak with the guy?
LM: I don’t believe so. I’m the guy who needs help.
———–
So, now I’m trying really, really hard to keep things calm. “I’m the guy who needs help.” I’m going out of my way to avoid putting her on the defensive (after years of “training”) and it’s just not going to work. Again, it’s just not going to work.
———–
PEW: no, we need help….you’re coping with the past situation very well I think. I’m sorry but this isn’t what I was looking for.
LM: Well, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t take umbrage with my getting some help. I am looking for help for me.
———–
Wow. I’m going to counseling and she has the audacity to say, “this isn’t what I was looking for.” I won’t bore you be rehashing the unrelenting level of selfishness and sense of total entitlement that she has. Looking back at this, I realize that because I was outside of her control and discussing what was going on with a professional, she felt threatened, and out of control.
———–
PEW: yeah and I want you to have it, but you wouldn’t even be going if I hadn’t said I was going to file to have you out of the house….at the time you told me “you’d walk away from now on” you didn’t offer to go, I asked you to go
LM: Look, I’m sorry. But I don’t want to get into an argument about this. I also don’t appreciate the implication that I didn’t recognize (on the heels of our last episode) that I have some issues that need addressing. I did. Now, I’ve had two sessions. And I am beginning to feel like you are sabotaging me.

PEW: well I had told you in the beginning that the thing is only a referral type service in the beginning
LM: I gave you your space when you were flying solo. I’d appreciate the same respect.
PEW: and that WE were going to need something long term….
———–
“WE?” The selective memory is another frustration I regularly experience. Nevermind that history has shown that when any professional sought to address issues that they felt PEW needed to recognize, counseling was summarily ended. Still, I press on trying explain the situation with logic, a mistake I would make over and over and over again…
———–
LM: PEW - you are not my guidance counselor. I need to address MY issues going forward. It will be helpful to do it that way.
PEW: well since I’m the one that was harmed, I have a God Given right to be a part of the counseling
LM: At this time, the discussion is not productive.
PEW: and I need counseling to figure out if I’m doing the right thing by trying to work this out, because it certainly hasn’t felt like I’m doing the right thing
LM: Your harassing me about counseling does NOTHING to help anyone and I wish you would stop, or you are going in my block list again.
PEW: well I’ll have to consult my family then about what to do because I thought we were going to be working on this problem in counseling
LM: We will. That does not preclude my getting to the root of my issues. Didn’t you find it helpful to go solo prior to going together?
PEW: well, i only went to 2 visits alone. I find this very strange. especially given the nature of why you are there
LM: I am there because I obviously lost control. And went to a point that I shouldn’t have gone by grabbing you. If you believe for one second that I didn’t immediately recognize that as a problem, you aren’t giving me enough credit.
PEW: well at the time, you told me…I hit you first…..I called you a name….you justified it with every excuse you could think of…..
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There it is. Despite the reality that she struck first, here I am seeking some guidance and she did nothing. I resist the urge to point that out with the knowledge that it will only serve to degrade this discussion further.
———–
LM: Stop it. Stop it now or I’m blocking you.
PEW: stop what?
LM: You are starting an argument over my counseling. One session was introducing myself and telling why I was there. Today was filling out paperwork, talking a little more, answering questions, and discussing a course of action.
PEW: do what you want, if you are excluding me from the counseling, there’s nothing for us to discuss, I just have to decide how I will proceed from here
LM: You aren’t missing anything. I’M NOT excluding you!
PEW: I don’t need to speak to you anymore
LM: I have issues that need to be addressed. Why is it so difficult for you to let me gain some insight into myself and my reactions? I can’t believe I am defending myself about going to counseling. This is ridiculous.
PEW: once I’m secure in the fact that you’ve told the counselor what happened, I’ll leave you to your insight
LM: That isn’t your job.
PEW: otherwise…I am operating under the assumption that you lied to him
LM: If I haven’t been honest wit
h him, no measure of counseling is going to do me any bit of good. You better get control of yourself.
PEW: exactly. i’m done with you
LM: I’m saving this and sending it to your mother, so she can see what it is you do.
PEW: fucking send it…she hates you
———-
Yeah, I said it again, “you better get control of yourself.” A lot of good that ever did.

The bottom line is this - my seeking counseling on my own threatened her control over me. Since she had no control over what it was I would be sharing with the counselor, she felt threatened. Since she wasn’t there with a new audience to whom she could spout her lies and tell her tale of woe, she felt threatened. This would not be the last time she harassed me about counseling. I can only imagine that each session I attended left her home with her paranoia about what was happening in her absence.

She would attend sessions in the future. She would, again, quit attending when confronted with issues she had and desperately needed to address to get this relationship on the right track.