Reader: Financial Injustice - I’m Losing My Mind
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Dear LM & DW,How do you not lose your own sanity when dealing with a greedy PEW, her Napolean-complex attorney, and a biased mediator?
PEW is claiming that DH owes $3,000 in camp fees for SS7 from 2 years ago. He already paid. He showed the mediator the canceled checks. The mediator’s response? “PEW and her attorney aren’t budging, just pay it again, it will cost you more to go to court.”
She’s asking for $1,000 per month for childcare paid to her (on top of the $35K per year in child support) as she no longer wants DH to pay the childcare provider directly. First, childcare is $350 per month, not $1,000. Second, PEW receives $100/month childcare subsidy from her employer, which she refuses to deduct from the $350 and pockets. Third, he’s been paying the childcare provider directly for 3-years. The mediator’s response? “The $1,000 is a soft number, she’ll settle for $800, just pay it, it’s cheaper than going to court.”
PEW wants $200 per month for SS7’s tutor. Huh? SS7 does not have a tutor. His school has not recommended a tutor. He’s an above average student and he does not need a tutor. The mediator’s response? Yup, “just pay it.”
On the other hand PEW has not reimbursed DH approx. $1,500 in expenses he fronted that are PEW’s responsibility under their divorce settlement. The mediator’s response? “Just eat it, you make enough money.”
~Frustrated
……….
Dear Frustrated,
The short answer is - you go to court. Seriously. The mediator is not doing their job. They’re very likely not following the court order(s). They’re also very likely not following the state guidelines, though you didn’t tell me in which state you reside. The mediator is a party to what comes awfully close to extortion. They are both taking your money and spending your money based upon your household income. It’s unethical and the mediator should be fired or otherwise removed from the case if you have such recourse, in my opinion.
The longer you allow this to continue, you can certainly bet that it will continue as no one has anything to lose by continuing to take the lazy-way out and still collect a paycheck because, “you can afford it.”
This is definitely one case where I would absolutely suggest that you spend your money on the attorney to make sure that the state guidelines are followed to the letter and the court orders are followed similarly. In a case like this, I would gladly give the money to the attorney to have everything enforced the way it is documented either via state statute and/or court order (whether we agree with the statutes & calculations or not).
In the long run, the mediator is incorrect. It will cost you far more in the long run to listen to his/her advice than it will to tighten everything up in court, I’m sorry to say.
~LM
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:55 am
This is nuts…if you pay , you are wrong if you do not pay…imagine!…THEREI SIMPLY NO WAY OUT IN THIS GAME! I am pretty much convinced that this economic crisis , recesion , whatever you want to call it is created if not totally , in a big % by this corrupt system working ” systematically” against Men!!…..god , there is simply no way to , not win , just get even!!..I am celebrating today 5 years of battles , false allegations , sorrow , and i am ready to at least another contested year 2009!!…No life whatsoever after you leave a BPD!even Madonna the mother of all femnale evolutionand enlighted human beings was tempeted to become a control freak!!…no Light when it comes to revandge against hubbie!
Blessings
November 23rd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I agree, go to court. I think we mistakenly assume that a mediators job is to come up with a fair and equitable resolution for all parties involved. WRONG! Their job is to keep as many people as possible out of the courtroom, so they’re going to look for the path of least resistance, with no regard to “fair”.
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:52 pm
“In the long run, the mediator is incorrect. It will cost you far more in the long run to listen to his/her advice than it will to tighten everything up in court, I’m sorry to say.”
AMEN
Also….”Their job is to keep as many people as possible out of the courtroom, so they’re going to look for the path of least resistance,”
EXACTLY — she knows she can never get the PEW to be reasonable so her best best is to convince you. Its not her money — she gets paid either way — and if she gets an agreement no matter how ridiculous — who cares — its an agreement and she checks that off as a win.
Good luck!
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Bottom line , the mediator job is to make money, the judge´s role is to keep people at court room so everybody makes money . No wonder America is going to loose the world´leadership in 10 years , predicted…if not earlier!….where is productivity in all this mess?? no where…they don´t even know what that word means . It doesn´t exist in their world!
November 24th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Go to court. We are seven years into the same situation with similar numbers. We are still paying spousal support (on top of extortionate child support) 18 months after she remarried because our lawyer says it’s “easier”. We buy all the kids’ clothes and she just sent a letter requesting extra payment for winter coats, which she has not purchased for the last four years. It never ends. Get a judgement and stick to it - even if you do end up paying more, it’s worth it for your sanity and to send a signal that you are not willing to just roll over and pay her everything. We didn’t do this with DH’s PEW and I really regret it.
November 24th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Just to add my voice to the chorus: go to court. I have learned the hard way: DO NOT TRUST MEDIATORS. Their job is to get you to reach an agreement–any kind of agreement, whether it’s a reluctant one, a grudging one, an unfair one, or a flat-out wrong one. I’ve had my arm twisted by a mediator who insisted that I had to agree to her “proposal” (which amounted to less time than the PEW and I had already agreed to) or she would inform the court that I was being uncooperative. I foolishly agreed at the time, and I regret it now. You have to demonstrate to the PEW that you are willing to go into court and face the judgement, or she will just keep extorting money from you for years, in amounts that are just small enough that it would be more expensive to go to court for.
Sometimes, you just have to stand your ground and fight, if only for the principle of the thing.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I have watched my husband fight similar battles to what you describe here from the sidelines, unable to do much of anything to help. While he single-handedly supports an ex with an advanced degree who is perfectly capable of supporting herself, pays for an outrageous private education for his kids (for which she makes the decisions about and he believes this school is not in the childrens’ best interests), we work our butts off at 2 jobs apiece to support ourselves and fight the constant battles. I receive no alimony, no child support from my ex (custody is 50/50) and we enjoy a civilized, even friendly relationship. I ask myself sometimes, “Why bother working, doing the right thing, being fair and reasonable, if I could get away with getting an ex to support me?” The answer is simple. My child is well-balanced, healthy and enjoys close relationships with both parents are equally involved in her life. It’s worth it to me to be sane. But still…I can’t help but fume everytime I read or see how poorly some men get treated in the system. The next battle will be college expenses. Will he be expected to pay for it all while my ex and I work out a resonable plan of splitting our daughter’s college expenses. I don’t have high hopes for our finances for the next decade.
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I have been dating a wonderful man for 6 years, and clearly his exwife is a borderline. Just wanted to add my comment about the courts (Canada-Family Law) still favor the woman, who loves to act and play the 2 daughters as pawns. We were at a settlement conference last month that felt like blackmail, his ex walks away with $10,000 even though he didn’t owe her a penny. But the courts don’t care about the truth. The courts just want the lawyers to make their money, and my partner was self-represented and the ex had a lawyer, so side with the lawyer and threaten the honest man that if the matters go to trial (which psychos love)then he will end up with legal bills around 15 or 20 grand.
I was sure the truth would come out but the judge really didn’t care, just wanted the matter settled, nevermind that she had proved herself over and over to be discredible. Not a justice system, that’s for sure. Seems you are better off to lie, judges seem to like the liars?