The Psycho Ex Wife

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After the exchange detailed in Part 4, she “took a few days” to think about what I wrote.  Clearly, it did no good. In fact, this would be one of several times I’ve shared where she encourages me to “come back to her.” Yes, even amongst all of this back-and-forth about how horrible I allegedly was… how she has gotten past everything… how she is glad to be rid of me… right here she makes overtures of taking me back. I kid you not.

PEW:

I had to think about this for a few days, but here is all I can say to you. Yes, it is sad that our family broke up. All you had to do, was listen to me when I talk, not scream in my face when we disagree, be respectful, let me make some decisions about how and when and for what we were going to spend money on, and we would still be together.

LM:

Wow. Most of this stuff is so patently false or inaccurate that I would almost think you were joking. As usual, I will offer you a dose of reality:

1 – Listen to you when you talk: I listened to you when you talked. I listened when you demanded. I listened when you threw hysterical fits to get your way. I listened when you repeatedly threatened divorce and or walked out because things were not done in accordance with your demands. I listened when you called me the most horrible names and tossed out the most unconscionable insults, cursed me, wished me dead in front of the children, threatened divorce and threatened to walk out (and sometimes did) dozens and dozens of times during the course of our marriage, I listened when you disparaged my family and friends. I listened to it all and I guarantee you that I listened for so much longer than any reasonable man would have or should have. I did so under the clearly misguided belief that with the proper guidance, the marriage could be saved. However, you never gave that guidance any chance of working because occasionally, you would hear things about you that you didn’t agree with – and, as always – quit. This is not to say that I didn’t make mistakes, I most certainly did. However, I made significant efforts to get guidance with controlling my volume in the face of your viciousness and horrible mouth. I might add that I was successful in that endeavor.

Conspicuously absent from your assessment above – is your complete lack of self-control and your expert ability to mentally and verbally abuse another person like no other I have encountered in all of my life, either directly or indirectly – and its impact on our ability to discuss much of anything like reasonable adults. It was you who flat out told me that you weren’t going to stop calling me names and being insulting, all the while demanding that I wouldn’t raise my voice when you started in with one of your verbal assaults, and still – I went and addressed my issues (years before) the end of our marriage even though you wouldn’t do the same.

2 – Be respectful: I was. And for the better part of our 8-year marriage, I maintained that in the face of your venomous diatribes against me and mine. Yes, on occasion, I got loud in the face of your verbal assaults. I sought guidance for that. You never did for your lack of self-control issues, which remain in place - even today.

3 – Let you make decisions regarding how, when, and for what we would spend money on: That’s all I ever did. When I did the bills – you complained. When I gave the bills to you – you complained. When I re-acquired responsibility for the bills – you complained. We got central air-conditioning on your say so. We got cars when you decided you no longer wanted what you had (3 times). We moved on your demands and under threat of divorce. We moved to the location you wanted on your demands and under threat of divorce. But seriously, that is all water under the bridge.

The bigger issue is this – that you have the audacity to dare even mention this in the face of the reality that is for years – FOR YEARS – all I ever wanted to do is sit down and create a budget WITH you. A budget that would be worked out together to determine a spending and savings plan so that we could really determine what we had coming in, what we had going out, and figure out how to save in order to spend on those things that we desired to obtain. Not one time did you ever agree to work together to make a budget. Not one time. Your idea of a budget is to go out and secretly get your own credit card, run up $6,000 worth of debt in 6-months, and then divorce me knowing that I would be “on the hook” for half of it. The whole idea behind preparing a budget was to do just what you allege I wouldn’t do (make smart decisions on saving & spending), but your paranoia that it was being done to somehow “track” only what you spend was too powerful to allow you to recognize the importance of a budget given our track record and our inability to actually save money for the future – our future and our children’s future. I can’t remember how many times you would justify the desire to go deeper into debt by telling me how much MORE in debt your friends were. Brilliant logic.

Finally, we would not still be together. Ultimately, your desire to control and dominate everything in our relationship and use whatever threats and tools of manipulation available to you ensured it wasn’t going to survive. Even today you continue to use the children and my desire to spend meaningful time with them as a weapon, which is the saddest part of all. 2 months, PEW. I’m asking for primary time for 2 months out of the year and appropriate meaningful time during the balance of the year that will be least disruptive to their school schedule. That’s the bottom line and you continue to fight against it.

PEW:

If you are so distraught about how the boys lives are right now. Change and then come back. I would love for them to have an intact family, but LM you were unbearable. There are two very distinct sides to your personality. There is the funny (hilarious), the loving, etc… Then there is the other side, selfish, controlling, tempermental, moody, impulsive, etc….

LM:

More unbelievable projection on your part and I have the documentation to prove it. I’ve already listed examples of your controlling and manipulative behavior in this email. I could make a list that would be nearly unending if I thought there was any purpose in doing so. I allowed myself to be forced to make huge, life-affecting decisions based upon your moodiness, unpredictable temperament, and threats that define you as the controlling person you always have been and probably always will be. As for selfishness – you lived the “if you get something I have to get something of equal or greater value” mantra. It was almost obsessive. Remember – it was you who said “if you get that motorcycle, I’m divorcing you!” It was you who said, “if you get that motorcycle, then I am getting a diamond ring that costs at least as much!” This, despite the fact that my father gave me the money to buy that bike when I told him I couldn’t justify spending the money on it. And what did you say when I told you that? You told me that I should not get the bike anyway because there were other things that you wanted to see that money spent on. When did I ever do stuff like that to you? Never. When your parents gave you money, did I ever say something like that? Did I ever demand “a cut” of it? Did I ever question what it was you were going to spend that money on? Never. Let’s not even get started about your antics over most holidays regarding what you got, how you got it, when you got it, and everything else. If I went out to visit a friend on a given day or night (a rare occurrence), you were all about making sure you got even, this – despite the fact that I never stopped you from doing things on your own, with your friends, and always encouraged you to do so. You made everything “tit-for-tat.” My goodness it’s so hard for me to fathom that you either believe you are not this person or just simply will go through life failing to acknowledge the significance of the horrifying things you did and said in our marriage.

Reality, PEW. This is the reality.

PEW:

If you can get that side under control, then I would most certainly welcome you back into my life. If you can’t acknowledge it then there’s nothing I can do to help the kids beyond what I am already doing.

LM:

That “side” that you embellish to no end is in control and has been very much in control to everyone except you and those you convince to propagate such embellishment (and in some cases, outright fabrication). That’s the way you work. Surround yourself with those who tell you, “Yeah, yeah, PEW – you’re right! You were horribly abused! I can’t believe you put up with that bad guy for so long!” and eliminate from your life those who say, “PEW, you know, I’m not so sure that your portrayal is all that accurate” or similar. It’s what keeps the distortions alive and kicking in your mind. Without those who would question your judgment, your versions of stories, your portrayals of who I am and how I operate – friends, family, counselors, whomever – you can be happy in your world of animosity, anger, and bitterness towards “Big Bad LM.” Think about it, you would tell people, the court, the counselors how you “feared for your safety” and “feared for your life” living with me. Yet, lived in the same house with me for nearly 4 full months after deciding you wanted a divorce (because I was so horrible) when I told you to take your time if you’re hell bent on following through with divorce and moving out, and find a place that is appropriate for you and the kids. When I bring this contradiction of your distortion and the actual reality to your attention, you get confused and cross-eyed trying to explain away how your distortion and the reality don’t quite match up. Your house of distortion will crumble under the weight of reality.

What needs to happen is for you to wake up and realize that there is nothing left for us to fight about. I’ve moved on from our marriage. You should have, too. You need to begin to move forward whether you accept “my version” of events or “your version” of events about a past that is long gone. We are divorced, PEW – none of that matters now. Very little of what I wrote above matters now. What is of paramount importance now are the boys. Stop wasting precious time, energy, and money fighting against their spending meaningful time with me. I am tired of these emails back and forth, however, I will no longer allow you to type these revisions of history without challenge. I’m sure you must be becoming tired of it, too, and if not – that is another problem. The boys are handling things as best as possible right now and this crap between us needs to stop, too. I repeat – the schedule I have suggested is not unreasonable given the circumstances. Are you really going to sit back and await Gloria’s report on the chance that it might not recommend what I request so that you can use that as a battering ram against me? More bitterness, anger, and hostility? Is that the chance you want to take when all of this BS could stop with an agreement? All of your blathering on about the “detriment of the children” and they seem to be handling things as well as can be expected, but if you think that eventually they aren’t going to be impacted by this ongoing animosity over how much time you are “willing to allow” them to spend with a father who loves them dearly – you are tragically mistaken. What the heck are you going to tell them if they discover that you fought so hard to prevent them from spending this time with me? I hope you’ve given this a great deal of thought.

Thank GOD I would discover low-contact in June of 2005. It would take some time to effectively employ it, but I gotta tell ya… this is an exhausting read even years later.

I’d like to think that my empassioned plea would crack the disordered facade of the Psycho Ex-Wife.  However, like having invisible deflector-shields that simply push reality out and around her rather than allowing it to have an impact - it simply never happened.

Will Part 6 be the conclusion?