The Psycho Ex Wife

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As June 2005 rolled around and our 2nd battle over custody began in earnest, I was relegated to begging.  At least, that’s how I view this very long exchange between the Psycho Ex-Wife and I as I read through this entire exchange again.  Though I appear to be rather lucid and on-point, I’m really begging here.  We had begun some of our sessions with Gloria, the 2nd custody evaluator, by this point.

It’s also exemplifies, in a rather powerful way, just how futile it is to engage in debate and discussion with a high-conflict ex-partner.  It’s especially useless when they have a personality disorder.  (Thankfully, it was around this time where I discovered information about Borderline Personality Disorder and began to educate myself to avoid this type of insanity going forward.)

• It is full of examples that really encompassed all that was wrong with communicating with the PEW:
• Getting off of the original topic into other stuff.
• Her ability to completely re-write history.
• Her knack for backing out of agreements.
• Her lies and false accusations.
• Her need for attention from me and even DW.
• My useless attempts as setting her straight on reality.
• More…

This also continues the discussion about the summer schedule for 2005 and some other stuff that occurred, too. It’s broken up as we replied to specific issues in each subsequent email. So, without any further adieu, the marathon email waste-of-a-discussion starts… she titled this “A Few Things” —

PEW:

I am attempting to communicate, once again without going through a lawyer (since your lawyer never calls me back anyway) Please keep your responses, brief and to the subject:

LM:

As always.

PEW:

1. I would like to spend either a Sat or Sun (my days off) with the boys before they go away. I never agreed that you would have them this weekend (realizing that you do have them for Father’s day) I would like to spend this sat. or next sat with them doing something special. So which one would you rather have?

LM:

You did agree when you agreed to every other weekend. When I asked you to swap the weekend of the 4th with the weekend of the 11th, it was to swap those two weekends. If you were unwilling to swap the 4th and the 11th, it was important that you say so then, not come to me later and tell me that I cannot have the boys some later weekend, particular when that weekend is Father’s Day weekend.

As for the following weekend, I have to travel and made arrangements to fly out of and into [custody-state] airport. If you want to spend a special Saturday with them, do it on the 25th and I will arrange to pick them up later in the day (after dinner time). That is when my plane arrives and if I am too early, I will do some visiting until after dinner.

PEW:

2. Please let me know what your plans are for them while you are at work. If they will be staying with DW’s nanny. I would like her full name and background. What is her training? etc….. If they are going to camp, the name and # of the camp, please. If you can’t provide this before they are scheduled to come down, then I can’t send them.

LM:

At this point, I need for you to tell me that you are, for the time being, amenable to the schedule. As you have not said so, I’ve made no “camp” plans and at this point don’t intend to. We are meeting with Nanny this week to discuss everything and, as I have repeatedly stated previously, will get you the information as soon as everything has been detailed. Expect that they will be home and doing activities with Nanny, DW, and/or the kids while I am at work.

PEW:

3. In the future please have them keep their shirts on when in the sun for longer than an hour. Also, S2 is very fair and should wear nothing less than SPF 45. S1 should probably wear this as well, he is very badly burned. I will buy a bottle for you.

LM:

They had SPF 45 on their faces and SPF 30 on their bodies. It was applied at 11AM and then reapplied after lunch at about 1PM. S1 is not “very badly burned,” so please dispense with your latest embellishment. He was slightly red and had cream applied when we got home. He was not uncomfortable, slept without incident, and other then mentioning minor discomfort when putting a shirt on or taking it off – was otherwise unaffected. You need not buy any sunscreen for me. We have plenty. As for the future, yes – I will leave shirts on for prolonged exposure to the sun. Thanks for the tip, but we’re already on that one.

PEW:

4. Privacy issues….Especially in the after shock of what happened at school….both boys have said to me in the past few weeks that they have seen your [big penis]. I’m not so sure it’s a good idea for them to see you going to the bathroom if you have an erection. Please use discretion. S2 and S1 have both commented about this in the past several weeks, several times.

LM:

Your comment above is just plain disgusting and another complete fabrication. #1 – They haven’t been with me down here for a month. So, your assertion that they have told you anything of the sort “for the past several weeks” is a lie. #2 - S2 saw me going to the bathroom when he had come in to wash his hands. He laughed at me and, as I usually do and am responsible for teaching them, I said, “privacy” and he turned to give me privacy. #3 – IF S1 has said anything, perhaps he has seen me when we are at urinals next to one another during our prior pit-stops. It’s hardly inappropriate, PEW. And your intimation that it was somehow sexual will not be taken lightly. Futhermore, there is no connection to the school incident.

PEW:

5. Why doesn’t DW get out of the car and speak to me, when you guys drop the kids off? Don’t you think the kids are going to be effected by this? I would say “Hi DW, how was the weekend?” We could act like normal people. She doesn’t have to like me, but if she’s going to be their future stepmother, she should really make an attempt to at least acknowledge their Mom. If we can’t have conversations about the kids, how are they supposed to be spending two weeks at a time down there?

LM:

First, we didn’t have much time to stay and chat. Also, what effort do you make to interact with her? The few times she has been cordial, she has initiated the contact (each time at the apartment). How about you come out of the house and come on down to the van and say “Hi, how are you, DW?” Is it because this is another thing that has to be done only your way? Make an effort, PEW, it’s not that difficult. Communication it a two-way street. At the apartment, she came up for introductions. When we had little time, she has said “hi” at the van in the parking lot.

Also, if you would consider making an effort and meeting us half-way instead of making up repeated excuses, we could actually sit down and have a cup of coffee and chat for 10 or 15 minutes, exchange information, and talk like reasonable adults do. If you continue with making us to come all the way to your door, both directions during pick-up and drop-off, the most you’re likely to get is a wave and a smile. You need to try making an effort here, too. She’s already done so.

At the very least she cares enough about S1 and S2 to make sure they are travelling safely. A thank you from you about the efforts she makes (at least in regard to that) is long overdue.

PEW:

6. Since you guys live so close to a lake, can you please either teach the boys to swim, or get swimming lessons?

LM:

We’re working on that.

PEW:

Please be brief. I’m begging you. If you can’t answer the question, then I will let your lawyer know that I can’t do the summer arrangement because adequate information was not provided.

LM:

You ask questions and make disgusting, false accusations about things which require a bit more than what you probably feel is “brief.” So, I guess you’ll have to deal with my replies such as they are. Sorry I couldn’t be any more “brief” for you.

This would end exchange #1. It’s a rather bizarre mish-mash of issues which, in a normal situation wouldn’t be entirely unreasonable. However, she is not normal, half the issues she raises are false (one, disgustingly so), the others already in the works or a dreaded negotiation. It would be the one and only time she would stray that close to an accusation of sexual abuse. Admittedly, I did call her on the phone, a one-sided conversation, and told her in no uncertain terms that if she dared attempt to levy sexual abuse charges against me, there would be hell to pay.  Notice, also, her inability to take responsibility for teaching the children something important (again, and always).  Swimming.  Her parents own a pool that they were at almost constantly.  They also have a vacation home at a beach area… but it’s my responsibility solely to teach them to swim.

Onto the second exchange…

PEW:

1. First of all, I was implicating anything sexual or disgusting.

LM:

Go back and re-read what you wrote. You absolutely did.

PEW:

2. S1 IS badly burnt and did wake up several times last night and was crying when he took off his shirt.

LM:

If you say so. I wasn’t there. I can only communicate how he acts when he is with me, which, as we know, is different from how he acts when he is with you. But that’s a discussion for another day.

PEW:

3. I will be spending this Saturday the 18th with my kids. You can pick them up on Sunday morning or bedtime Sat night.

LM:

I will take this as your admission that you will not comply with the current custody order. I will notify my attorney accordingly.

PEW:

4. I will make arrangements for the kids for the summer then, since you refuse to give me the name of this “nanny” and tell me what her background is.

LM:

This will mark (at least) the fourth time that I told you that I will be meeting with her. I reiterate (for a fifth time) – as soon as I meet with her and get the information you request, I will send it along. Please try to pay attention to these emails.

PEW:

5. DW doesn’t wave or smile, what are you talking about? She blew me off the past several times I tried to say Hi.

LM:

You are a liar.

PEW:

As far as my meeting you half way, maybe if I had a more dependable car, I could do that.

LM:

This is a lie, too. Apparently, your car is dependable for *everything* except the concern you’ve repeatedly expressed about the children’s travel but, as yet, have failed to demonstrate with action. It’s only another story you tell to anyone who will listen. It’s dependable for work… for visiting your parents… for going to the beach with and without the children… for going to fishing tournaments with the children… for doing everything, that is, except doing anything to mitigate your oft-repeated but unsubstantiated claims about the “wear on the children” having to travel 3-1/2 hours to see their father.

PEW:

I won’t be talking to you directly again. They boys will be going to the YMCA summer camp in [local-town] until we go to court.

LM:

I’ll be sure to send the YMCA our current custody order so that they run no risk of interfering in the enforcement of it.

This would end exchange #2.  It’s events like these that I speak about when talking about questioning one’s own sanity.  If you didn’t stay on-the-ball, you could get lost in trying to determine the real from the fiction.  This marathon exchange would see me working very hard to take back reality from PEW’s fiction.  Although it is another wasted attempt to set her straight… it is as much about setting myself straight.

Part 2 (and subsequent parts) will see this discussion get more bizarre and spread to other issues, as was usual with her.