The Psycho Ex Wife

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Ah yes… the beauty of brotherly love.

Recently, S2 celebrated a birthday.  We had a very nice family party… a bowling outing that everyone raved about and could end up being a vehicle for even more family get-togethers that don’t require a special occasion as an excuse.  Not only did all the kids have an incredible time - the grown-ups did, too!

In any event, in the week before the party, there was an evening where S1 approached me asking for a blank piece of paper.  I didn’t think much of it, directing S1 to where the paper was and he went about his business with crayons and pencil.  He enjoys drawing and I just chalked it up to another drawing session as the rest of us watched whatever television show happened to be on that night.

After a while, he called me into the bedroom because he wanted to “talk privately.”  When we got there, he showed me a handmade birthday card he had created for S2’s birthday.  He asked me what I thought about it.

On the front it read: Little Brother = 9

The 9 was all colored in and rising up from the bottom of the card was a drawn half-head (top end) of a little boy that clearly was drawn to be S2.  I opened it up and on one page was a poem written inside of a heart which read…

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Nobody can question,

That I love you!

As if that wasn’t enough, the other page had a most amazing handwritten note from S1 to S2…

Dear S2,

I  may only be your older brother, but you mean a lot to me.  Yeah, we’ve had our troubles from when you were two and I’d drag you by your ankle, to chasing you halfway across the state today.  I’ll always have a special place in my heart just for you.

S2, you’re the best that any brother could ask for, and I’ll always love you with all of my heart!

I’ll love you forever,

S1

I looked at him and gave him a huge hug.  I said simply, “That’s wonderful, S1.  I think S2 will absolutely love it.”

After the kids went to bed that evening, I gave a lot of thought to what I consider one of the top lessons I regularly try to instill in the boys.  That lesson is that despite all of the trials, tribulations, arguments, and fights that they may have - they’re ultimately trivial matters and they should never forget that when times get tough - they need to be able to rely on each other whenever times get tough… no matter what.  All of the needling, arguing over video games or who is touching whom or who is breathing on whom or who is looking crookedly at whom or who is farting too close to the other… doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  Throughout the rest of their lives, always love one another and always be there for one another in good times and in bad.

I have excellent relationships with all of my brothers and I give a good deal of credit to my own parents.  I’m not sure I remember them so specifically trying to teach that to us as I do with the boys, but however it happened - it happened.  Our relationships haven’t been without some potholes in the road, but in a pinch we all know that we have to be able to count on one another when times get tough and we’ve experienced many examples of that throughout our childhood and adult lives - no matter what.  I place a level of value on that which I cannot adequately quantify for you and want that to be the way it is for my two sons.  So, I teach it as best I can because I want them to share the same brotherly love as I share with mine.  It also helps that they get to see that brotherly love fairly frequently.

It’s moments like these that leave me hopeful that my lessons are sinking in.  (There have been others, but none as deeply meaningful to me as what you see written above.)

Fast-forward to the birthday party and as the bowling started to wind down we sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY to S2 and moved on to opening cards and presents as everyone socialized… their Aunts, Uncles, Grandmom, cousins and all… and then the time came that he pulled S1’s card out of the bag.  I was watching from a short distance as the swirl of socializing buzzed about them, S2 and S1 standing next to one another.  I saw his expressions turn serious as he read the inside of the card and tears started to run down his face.  Then, in front of everyone (at least those who were watching) he turned to his brother, threw his arms around his neck and they hugged tighter than I believe I’ve ever seen them hug one another.  And there they stood in this long embrace as if no one else was in the room.  They exchanged some words which I didn’t hear and didn’t ask about.  That was their time and their moment.  My mother was watching and I saw one of their Aunts catch the scene, tug on another and say, “Oh my gosh, look at S1 and S2 - S2 is crying after reading his card, oh my gosh how wonderful!  I wonder what it says?” Obviously, she recognized they were tears of joy… of appreciation… of brotherly love.

After what seemed like an eternity, they disengaged, S2 composed himself and put his party face back on.  S1 beamed with pride as I’m sure he remembered me telling him in the bedroom not only how impressed I was with his card, but how impressed I thought S2 would be by it.  I also told him it was a gift that was greater than any toy S2 would get.

Something else I was proud of was that none of the 15 or so other people there made a spectacle of it.  Everyone let it be their moment in time without any questions or requests to see the card or questions about what was said, and the card was carefully slipped back into his gift bag.

The “brotherly love” lessons I try to teach them also help me.  It’s easy as parents to get lost and frustrated in the petty squabbles that are a normal part of childhood.  While I don’t remind them about brotherly love every single time there is a petty squabble - those that do escalate present me with opportunities that I hope all parents might similarly take advantage of.  We talk out whatever issue that they’re having and I work with them to come to understand just how meaningless some of the squabbles are.  While I teach them that they need to be able to work out their issues between themselves without unnecessary escalation, when it’s over - they’re still brothers and they should never let their normal disagreements undermine the “bigger picture.”  Love each other.  Always remember that you should be there for one another, in good times and in bad, no matter what.

I believe that when the Lego guys, wrestling figures, toy cars and trucks, games, and such have long since been forgotten… when all of the petty squabbles, arguments, and crooked looks have long since been forgotten… what won’t be forgotten are moments like the card that S2 got on his birthday and the importance of brotherly love.

I believe my parenting lessons are being learned and I can’t begin to convey for you how happy moments like these make me.