Easter Basket Case
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Normally, PEW’s efforts to undermine our holidays are focused on destroying or otherwise upsetting the Christmas season. Just look at the labels on the right side of your screen. Well, it looks like this year, she’s going to make Easter her target. She will fail, again.
The boys’ Spring Break wraps around the Easter Holiday, which is April 12th, 2009. Fortunately, it occurs during my usual custody week which will run the 5th through the 12th. The children have off from school the 9th, 10th, and the 13th which is their “Spring Break.” This post will also show that despite my efforts to keep the custody order tight and loophole-free - a high-conflict ex-spouse will find new and exciting ways to interpret the order differently. So, consider this also a lesson in being a tad more specific than our order currently is with regard to holidays. For Easter, ours reads simply:
Easter Holiday shall be in accordance with the school calendar. Father shall have custody in odd years and Mother shall have custody in even years.
It doesn’t specify drop-off or return times, which is an exploitable loophole.
Last week, we had a short discussion about Easter, which this year is ours. As we have plans in home-state for dinner with family and friends, I suggested that I would like to return them on Monday, keeping them an extra day. She agreed, verbally. Where I made a mistake was not following-up with a confirmation email to obtain her written agreement - which is why I had put into the order the “Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause.”
If you remember, PEW covered several days where I offered her the “right of first refusal” on days I needed to tend to business matters in the last few months. She even has repeatedly offered make-up time or other times where I could help her out. It’s not required, but welcomed nonetheless. This seemed like a good opportunity.
So, the plan was to head to home-state Wednesday night and enjoy a long weekend together with all of the kids. They haven’t seen each other since the Christmas season and they’re all excited to get together again.
Well, my failure to follow-up with a confirmation email resulted something I talk about often - the Borderline’s tendency to “unagree” with any previously made agreements. It’s why I put the “in writing” clause in place during the last revision of the custody order. The fact that this happened at all is my fault for not using the tools that are in place to prevent this…
LM,
I think I’d like the boys to come back on Sunday. Last year you guys didn’t celebrate Easter, no baskets, no Easter Egg hunt and we do that, so even if I have to wait till 5 at least there will be some holiday for them.
~PEW
Brilliant. The revisionist history is in full-bloom and the above claims are wrong. Actually, wrong is the wrong word. Twisted would more accurately describe it.
My reply:
PEW,
I can bring them home on Sunday if that is your wish. Please be advised that we do have plans for Easter Sunday, so we will return after we’ve had our holiday dinner. Expect that will be around bedtime.
~LM
And hers…
LM,
No LM, that’s not acceptable. You had them last Easter till dinner time. You can’t just arbitrarily change the meeting time to suit yourself. You had them last year for Easter, I’m being kind by letting you keep them till 5pm just to avoid hassles with you.
5 o’clock on Easter.
~PEW
Very gracious of her. Very twisted of her. Facts:
- Easter 2008 was PEW’s.
- Easter 2008 closed out her custodial week.
- In an effort to avoid upsetting the holiday, I offered and we agreed to do the exchange Easter Monday morning.
- Her “being kind” is false because even under normal exchange circumstances, 4PM - 5PM is the exchange time.
At the very least, this is where the beauty of saving everything that is in writing keeps one sane. I have the entire email exchange detailing the Easter holiday last year, including her keeping the children until Monday.
There is why we didn’t have an Easter Egg Hunt or Easter Baskets on Easter of 2008. It wasn’t our Easter! Where she comes up with the claim that I had the boys until dinnertime on Easter Sunday of 2008 - I have no clue. It’s absolutely fiction.
My final reply:
PEW,
Last year was your Easter. I picked them up in the parking lot of your work on Monday morning after they spent the entire holiday with you. That would account for us not having an Easter Egg Hunt and all of the things you’ve (falsely) claimed about last year.
This year is my Easter Holiday and I will not allow you to upset our family holiday plans. I will drop them off on Sunday night unless you go back to what you agreed-to on the phone, in which case I will drop them off on Monday early afternoon.
~LM
That’s all I can do. In reply comes this treat…
LM,
I didn’t agree to anything on the phone, I was still all doped up from being at the hospital which is why I said I would get back to you. Just bring them back monday by 11am, there’s no point in bringing them home at bedtime on Sunday. Ass.
~PEW
While this seems like an agreement, she puts a time that would require me to get the children up at between 5AM and 6AM in order to get prepared, have breakfast, and hit the road. Typical.
PEW,
Sunday evening between 9PM and 10PM or Monday at between 1PM and 2PM. Pick one. I will not get the boys up at 5 or 6AM to have them back to you by 11AM on Monday.
Pick one. That’s all you need to do. If you fail to pick one of those 2 options, I will drop them off Sunday night between 9PM and 10PM.
Pick one.
~LM
I bet that she won’t simply pick one.
LM,
Fine monday between 1 and 2pm. Don’t contact me anymore about anything.
~PEW
Darn. Wrong again. And so the chaos train rolls on. None of this was necessary. It occurred because I failed to follow-up the original phone call with written confirmation, which would have shortened this exchange considerably. And, we end up with what we agreed to originally. Must have been time for her “terror fix.”
April 1st, 2009 at 11:48 am
Sounds like trying to make holiday plans at our house.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:33 pm
“Don’t contact me anymore about anything.”
Further proving that most, if not all, PEWs still have the maturity of an 8 year old.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:02 am
“Don’t contact me anymore about anything.” we hear this all the time. our PEW won’t give her phone number, she is so ignorant, she wants all plans to go through the kids. seems to me she doesn’t care about the kids if she can do that. How PEWs rationalize is something I just can’t get used to. we are off to court again today, she had to have an expensive trial and all if any money has now gone to the lawyers. I can’t imagine living like this for another 10 years. I think my boyfriend will just walk away from all of them….. she insists on putting the kids in the middle, how much can they bare?
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:05 am
PEW would die if she couldn’t/wouldn’t contact or be contacted by me. She says it all the time, usually right before the next email and text flood.
It’s exactly as alovingstepmom said - it’s childish… and sounds like the oft-used elementary playground battle cry: “Fine! Then I’m not your friend!”
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:54 am
I see a lot of the “contact” games, too. And somehow, they always see to ramp up just before the other cyclical events, such as holidays, school breaks, etc.
The High-conflict ones tend to cancel the phone service, shut off the internet, move… all those things that make contact difficult — and they seem to do more of it while they are simultaneously increasing the conflict level over “whose turn” it is to have Spring Break, Easter, Thanksgiving, summer plans, and so forth. And then of course they complain that the other parent isn’t communicating with them.
And, true to form, their actions are always someone else’s fault. They don’t receive enough CS to afford the internet, or they were forced to change their phone number because they were being harassed too much, blah-blah-blah.
I sometimes wonder how many of them would be as amazed as the rest of us are at just how similar all of their scripts seem to be?
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:31 am
You wouldn’t believe how my husband’s PEW constantly attempts to slice and dice up our holidays (and sometimes even our regular weekends) with his son. My husband ended up getting only about an hour and a half with his son on Father’s Day a couple of years ago because PEW didn’t drop him off here until 2pm. Her excuse was that “eating brunch took longer than we thought it would”. It was really horrifying….yet not surprising since they are all the size of Hummers over there.
We are also supposed to have my stepson for Easter weekend this year…but something always comes up with her. Just another reason for her to kick off three days of non-stop email harassment. I feel your pain!!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:31 am
For the love of god. All of that to agree to exactly what you had already agreed to.
Don’t they ever get TIRED of all the drama? It would wear my ass right out.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
No, Jenna, they don’t. It’s ALL they have. Seriously. Without someone on whom to reign down this type of chaos, they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves.
S1 has already detailed to me that he suffers periodically from her rages.
I think that she has her sister living with her as a “rage back-up” in the event of my untimely demise. Those two have EPIC rage battles.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Oh geez these PEW’s are all the same. Our PEW does the exact same thing on holidays. This past Halloween she tried to break court orders since it was our year for the holiday. She told SD not to go home with us from school and that her grandmother was supposed to pick her up. When we arrived to pick her up she was in tears and had a tantrum saying she didn’t want to go with us because PEW told her not to.
Apparently the PEW had worked her up into a frenzy by talking about what a great costume she had designed for her - but that she wouldn’t allow her to bring it over to our home for Halloween, so she would just have to miss out (twisted I know). After that SD was upset and wildly exagerrated a minor argument between husband and I to school officials as an excuse to break court orders - which the PEW told her to do, according to her (but really at this point who knows since SD lies too). PEW later took SD to court to have her tell the magistrate she didn’t want to see us. SD later admitted to us that she felt guilty over all the “chaos” and said that PEW had pressured her to say certain things because her “grandmother” paid a lot of money for the court filing fee to amend custody.
Ridiculous.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Not to make light or your predicament, but this is hilarious. Did you say you’d bring them on Sunday night (of the two choices) so she’d say bring them on Monday? It seems like you could play her like that quite a bit, if you give her choices like that, she’d always take the one she thinks want.
You know, I will never understand women. I guess I am just too blase about the whole experience. I don’t want my ex’s money, he can see our daughter any holiday he wants, takes her on vacation with him w/my blessing, texts/calls her anytime he wants. If my daughter grows up maladjusted or neurotic, at least it won’t be because I kept her away from her dad, who despite his faults, loves her very much. I wish I could give you some advice on BPD, but from what I’ve heard, it gets worse with age. You poor thing!
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Oh my goodness, I just yesterday wrapped up the same ‘negotiation’ with my PEG for this Spring Break. Same same same, and we go through it every break, every year. They do live for it.
I recently received primary custody, and the judge ordered a “reversal of the custody schedule.” Unfortunately, PEG found many loopholes in this too-vague order. For instance, the order calls for Daughter to spend the parent’s birthday with the honored parent. My birthday’s coming up right after Spring Break — but PEG insists that Daughter will be with her, PEG, on MY birthday. And, she’s right! That’s a literal interpretation of “reversal of the custody schedule, but obviously not what the judge intended.
As a result of getting complacent and leaving this loophole in the custody order, I had to give up a day of Spring Break in exchange for getting Daughter on MY birthday.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Heather - that’s right. The lesson there is to just cut to the chase. You have option 1 or option 2. Pick one. Otherwise, I will choose “this” option and you’re stuck.
It pretends to put the power in her hands when it doesn’t.
MR - I don’t know how things work in your state or with your order, but the “special” days (holidays, father’s/mother’s day, parent birthdays) take precedence over the basic custody schedule.
Her interpretation of “reversal” of custody schedule is incorrect… you didn’t have to give up a day of Spring Break in order to get your birthday… in if I were in your shoes, I would have kept her the entire Spring Break and my birthday. No way that goes before court and you’re found in contempt of anything.
You see, now what happens is you’re inclined to tell her she can’t have her on her birthday using her warped interpretation of the order and round-and-round-you-go!
And that’s how I would have presented it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Mister-M, of course you’re right — I know I would have won in court if I insisted on the birthday issue. And you make a good point about how conceding to her demand could come back to haunt me come her birthday.
However, I left out some mitigating factors, one of which being that we have another, “final” custody hearing coming up (the judge has promised a ‘Montenegro order’). All signs point to sole custody for me (legal and physical), so I am hopeful I will no longer have to deal with these insane negotiations again.
If the judge accepts the recommendations of the GAL, FCS Mediator, and Therapist, PEG will have only supervised visits until she obtains and proves progress in therapy. What are the chances that a BPD will follow through with this? From what I know of my PEG, I cannot even imagine her doing this. Sorry, this is off-topic, maybe I should post this question in another thread.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Understood, MR! We’re rootin’ for ya!
April 5th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
We have had SO many of those types of negotiations. We did get a court order that is very, very, very specific about drop-off and pick-up times, locations, etc. so we could avoid further idiocy. Unfortunately, even when the order is ridiculously specific, PEWs and EDs can still twist it when insanity works to their benefit.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I’m waiting for this to happen. We just realized yesterday that not only will we have my bonus daughter for Easter, but we get her on Thursday rather than Friday, as Friday is a school holiday. I’m sure our PEW is just going to love that one…and have my bonus daughter up in arms about spending the weekend with us(she does that regularly, promising things for weekends that she’s supposed to be with us). In the end, my bonus daughter loves her time spent with us and forgets any plans made with PEW or her grandmother, but that’s not the point…why does there have to even be this problem to begin with? grrrrr
April 9th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I sure am happy I never married and had kids. What a nightmare it is dealing with American Women. I’m not sure the pampered princesses have ever experienced reality. They honestly think everybody in the world is lower than them.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
my god and I thought his ex was bad