Dr. Phil Episode Critique: Crisis in Family Court
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It begins with what I suspected from the moment I saw the preview on the topic. The lead-in features two horrendous situations. Any guesses as to the feature stories?
Here is the April 14th, 2010 show summary from the Dr. Phil Show website:
No one wants to wind up in family court, but with over 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, it’s a familiar place for thousands of parents. Dr. Phil shines a light on the American family court system and how often it fails its citizens.
Story 1: Horrible dad who harasses and threatens mom and child, ultimately killing himself and their 9-month old child during his visitation with the child.
Story 2: The perspective of a 17-year old girl who allegedly grew up with an abusive father who sexually molested her and who worries now about the fate of her little sister.
Now, let’s be real, I’m far from a huge fan of Dr. Phil and my presumption was that this episode would be exactly what I suspected - a sensational show, highlighting horrifying tales of death and familial destruction, and the ultimate culprit would be a biological father.
As is usually the case, Dr. Phil failed to impress me with his coverage of what is a national (and worldwide crisis). However, rather than dig deep and really look into the greatest problem in family court today, which is not biological fathers killing children or ex-spouses, but custodial interference and the gross imbalance of custodial arrangements - Dr. Phil went sensational, worst-case, rare-case scenario. Worse than that, he can’t even balance his sensational effort with a similar story involving custodial interference, kidnapping, and murder of children by their biological mothers.
What a gross abuse of the power he has inside the media. Here’s an opportunity for him to use his reach to really broadcast the real horrors of the family court cartels, and he goes least common denominator.
That’s not to say that the stories he chose to feature on this program aren’t serious and very compelling. However, he grossly misrepresents what his show was purported to be about - the crisis in our family court system. In fact, this effort couldn’t be further from doing that. It was a show about two isolated cases with terrifying, tragic consequences and I truly feel very sorry for those involved. Nothing more, nothing less.
The true crisis in our family court system is as follows:
- Mothers still obtain custody of children in over 80% of all cases.
- Biological mothers still kill, neglect, malnourish children (alone or in tandem with a new love interest) at a much higher rate than do biological fathers.
- Custodial interference is not taken seriously by the courts and is primarily committed by biological mothers.
- Enforcement of child support is funded into the billions of dollars by government agencies. Enforcement of custodial interference is non-existent.
- Restraining order abuse is rampant and is often used to separate fathers from their children and household on a mere accusation and without proof of any abuse being evident.
- There are few, if any, services for men who are abused by women, while services and aid for women who are abused by men is funded into the billions of dollars. There is literally no governmental funding for male victims of abuse.
- Family court is loaded with high-conflict personalities who are encouraged to battle it out in court due to the adversarial set up. Once the family finances have been drained, they’re cast aside when they’ve been shaken-down completely so that they can move on to the next victim-family.
Now, the cases highlighted on this show are absolutely grotesque breakdown in specific family courts with horrifying outcomes. In each case, something should have and could have been done before the tragedies took place. Make no mistake about this, these horrible stories are the exception and not the rule.
The audience is loaded with angry women who may have personal grudges against awful fathers or ex-husbands. The guests disavow the reality of PAS, are foot soldiers for the domestic violence industry, believe that mere accusations without proof should be enough. They also parroted the same unsupportable contention that abusive “fathers” are being awarded custody in the majority of contested cases. The bottom line was that this show was little more than a vilifying of all ready, willing, loving and perfectly capable fathers on the foundation of awful, highly sensational isolated incidents.
If you watched this show, you would believe that women don’t kill, abuse, and neglect their children. They don’t file false allegations of abuse. They don’t abuse children or husbands/partners. They don’t regularly interfere with custody, including kidnapping children and whisking them away to foreign countries. They don’t put infants up for adoption without ever notifying the biological father of the child’s existence, resulting in him never having any parental rights except in the rarest of cases. They don’t commit paternity fraud which ultimately leaves fathers financially supporting children that aren’t theirs, in too many cases… while the mother has moved on with the child to be with the actual biological parent!
Dr. Phil - you didn’t get a sniff of what issues are the greatest in terms of covering the true crisis that is our family court system. Worse, it really was little more than a man-bashing, father-hating event. Truly a shame for excellent parents of both genders everywhere. Way to do a huge disservice to the entire country.
Maybe the next episode where he is trying to push his agenda of addressing various “silent epidemics” he can arrange and audience full of angry men who have been abused by the family court system. Maybe he can feature stories of grieving fathers whose ex-partners murdered their children.
Or maybe, he can address any number of the items I listed above that actually are the true crisis in family courts today and address them without making it appear like he is a tool of the Domestic Violence (Against Women Only) Industry, too.
April 15th, 2010 at 8:15 am
Well said. I am always amazed at how one sided the family court system is in this country. But far be it from us, the most perfect nation in the world to look at other countries who have very cut and dry systems in place that work. Unfortunately I think we will never learn, no matter what the cost ends up being. That part is so sad. There are too many really great bio parents that have to miss their kids lives because of this d*** system. My DH is one of those who has in 15yrs never missed a CS payment (or spousal support for that matter), and we live by PEW’s skewed sense of ‘fairness’. We continually get punished for her poor choices and for moving on with our lives. The boys have paid in so many ways… many of which I think we have not even seen yet.
All these years I kept thinking we should go to court to straighten this all out, but having been burned really badly the first time around DH refused. Which has be hard to deal with. Then we had to go back because of changes in CS since the boys are going off to college and “…no, we are not paying CS until they graduate from college!!!!”. I saw first hand how truly degrading, and skewed they system is. Then to find this site and see even more of it. I am now kind of glad we did not waste even more of our $$ paying lawyers and court fees, because at least now we have something to offer the boys while they are in college and starting to make their way in the world.
I would gladly sign us up for the ‘other’ Dr Phil audience - the one with the angry abused men who have tried to do the right thing only to be beaten back by lies, and false allegations that some how have much more power than truth and reality.
April 15th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Well said. Someone’s been reading my mail
Dr. Phil - sheesh! I didn’t watch his show last night, but didn’t have too to get the gist of your critique hitting the nail smack on the head. It is a shame that people like him use their fame and media perch to spread their grandiose opinions and agendas on their viewers.. of whom so many can be so impressionistic to tainted agendas and opinions they spread. That’s scarey in and of itself!
My experience is right on to what your comments are with regard to what the real issues there are in the plagued U.S. Family Court System (FCS)- which is/ has been in full on crisis. They have no idea on how to deal with a bio parent who is pathologically narcissistic coupled with many other glaring forms of personality disorder, and of course who perceives herself to be a victim. Me, a bio father on the other hand, while I am not a victim, nor am I a saint or am I perfect parent or always right or need to be right… do have integrity and credibility and live by example teaching strong healthy family values… in that I maintain staying gainfully employed, I have never missed a CS payment in 7+ years, I have continually paid over and above in support of my children’s extra-curricular activities, provide their health insurance, provide a clean, structured and loving home for them when they’re with me and participate in their daily lives whether I’m physically with them or not… This isn’t about me being “better” than her. I always tell people that have a need to know or desire to know and understand… you be the judge. Whereas the PEW with her pathological NPD, thrives on dragging me in & out of the plagued with crisis U.S. Family Court System - of which they have no idea on how to deal with the PEW’s frivolous non-sense, let alone her NPD. Her continuing to blame and use my kids as pawns to get her way of the day. The absurd threat for restraining orders, custodial interference, the ridiculous rigidity to the parenting plan when it doesn’t meet her needs, despite what’s best for the welfare of the children… on and on. However, the attorney’s certainly thrive on my checkbook, in which for some reason I keep thinking I need to defend myself and my rights, yet I’m not guilty of any of the PEW’s allegations. I stand up and defend in the light of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual welfare of my children. Am I naiive in thinking that co-parenting in the above scenario can be successful? NOT! Within the FCS I’m often left feeling, what rights do I have, does the FCS really care about the welfare of our children in light of these types of circumstances ongoing in and out of every FCS in America? And does anyone care to abide by any truth and the facts? It really is a helpless feeling! My experience in the FCS is the PEW is treated like a victim despite her blatant frivolousness and deceit and me the father is automatically put in the deadbeat barrel, despite the truth, the facts and the obvious NBD of the PEW. Unbelievable, yet my reality!
By all means, sign me up for the Dr. Phil show. To you Dr. Phil… I’m not a victim, though I am one of hundreds of thousands of father’s who seemingly have to put up with the nefarious PEW and the crisis filled family ‘kangaroo’ court sytem - which is attempting to do/ fix what? Justice for a mental health issue? I think not! How about a show for those of us men who really do live in this reality… And certainly, I know there are women who have to deal with the PEH too - bring them on too. We’d glady like to share our truth with your audience. You certainly have the wherewithal, the real question is do you have the integrity to do it?
Despite the PEW and the FCS…the certainty of it is as my duty as a responsible, loving and right minded father, I will raise my children with my dignity and integrity speaking with my actions. With time, hope and God’s grace, my children will be able to choose what is right and what is wrong when it comes to how they have been raised and co-parented. It’s an absolute shame that there appearingly doesn’t seem to be a solution to the crisis within the FCS, let alone the MH industry abd their efforts to intervene. And if I/ we absolutely had to leave it up what you media types send as a message and the FCS as a whole trying to help this crisis, our children would absolutely have no hope.
April 15th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
My comment from the message boards:
Did you notice? (Those of you who watched it…)
ALL women in the audience.
The “guest” was a person whose livelihood depends on VAWA and the myth that men are all DV perps, women are all DV victims.
They picked two horrifyingly sensational individual cases that are, by far, the exception and not the norm.
In case 1, it was plainly clear that this woman had more than enough evidence to justify her claims and she was dealing with a total quack judge. I found it somehow “admirable” that, aside from the restraining order, all she asked for were supervised visits with the unstable father until his issues could be addressed. (Of course, when men kill, there are no “mental illness” or other defenses. Rarely ever the case when mothers kill…)
In case 2, it was very difficult to discern whether the allegedly child molesting father was anything more than an accused person who was either never investigated or never arrested, tried, and convicted (or exonerated) for what the girl was reporting (and her story was certainly plausible). What DIDN’T make sense nor what was pursued was why, in the case of the new family and new half-sister from whom new allegations surfaced, lost complete custody of the child in question. That wasn’t explored, I’m sure due in part to time constraints, but the subject was never even broached. He simply left the audience and viewer with the belief that this happens - a man molests his own children and is awarded full custody because judges everywhere just don’t believe women when they make such allegations. I believe differently and with good reason.
The show was simply awful and achieved its clear objective - fathers are something to be feared. Mothers and children are victims. Dr. Phil is an advocate for change that will only serve to further marginalize the overwhelming majority of wonderful fathers due to the rare, isolated cases of the type he chose to feature today. It’s disgusting.
April 16th, 2010 at 11:07 am
FUNNY THING IS, “DR” PHIL DOESN’T EVEN HOLD A LICENSE TO PRACTICE…
April 16th, 2010 at 11:29 am
Ok, I had to go and check out the comments on Dr. Phil’s site and can I say I was throughly disgusted by some of the comments.
They make every man to be an abusive father or a molester and mothers can do no wrong. It is the great words of “Best interst of the children” everywhere. I got so angry at one posting beacause all it did was bash fathers and how usless we are, I tried to responed but it would not let me.
It is just a sad case of sensational stories to push a certain agenda.
April 16th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Dr. Phil is a ratings whore - the same as everyone else on television. It’s all about the ratings, and who is home with the television on at the time his show runs? Women. Who is his primary audience? Women. Who is most likely to be “moved” by the content of his show, and be completely oblivious to the real facts of family court? Women.
He never set out to inform the country about what’s going on in family court. His show is not the news (and even that is usually worthless anymore), it’s a talk show. He doesn’t have to be unbiased in his presentation, nor does he have to cover both sides of the issue. Journalism is not present here. What he set out to do is get a bunch of women to watch his show so that they could see Tampax and Seasonique commercials. And he does it very successfully.
I don’t agree with what’s on his show, or with his tactics, or with the “advice” he gives to people. But I’m not shocked by what he puts on. I do the only thing that will get hacks like him off the air - I turn off his show.
April 16th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Well, (il)logic would dictate that if part of Phil’s agenda is that we need to err on the side of caution and the children should be removed from a parent on allegations alone (until they are proven not to be true) - then fathers facing divorce everywhere will need to start accusing mothers of physical and sexual abuse of their children.
Of course, this makes no sense, but this is the path we’re already half-way down. And make no mistake about this, it’s precisely what the court system needs and wants. More litigants = more money… for clerks, judges, courts, investigators, police, GALS, custody evaluators… and the list goes on.
April 16th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
I 2nd what Maria says. Sadly “Dr.” Phil’s pandering “advice” generally does more harm than good, yet many ignorant people put stock in what he broadcasts. My PEW had TiVo’d more than a few episodes that I “absolutely needed to see” as soon as I came home from work. On 2nd thought, maybe “Dr.” Phil does some good…
As we know, the real crisis is the gross imbalance in enforcement of the 2 big orders: Support and Custody. If I dared to miss my spousal support payment (to an adulterer no less), the police would eventually come arrest me and a judge would put me in jail.
Meanwhile no matter how many times my PEW ignores our equally legally binding custody order, the police simply tell me, “sorry, that’s a civil matter…call your attorney.” In other words, cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching…
Furthermore, in my experience with filing a Contempt of Custody Petition, the judge gave PEW exactly what SHE wanted. PEW batted her eyes at the judge and complained that 5:15PM was just “too early” to have the kids all ready. Nevermind that she completed disregarded my court-ordered custody on multiple occasions and NOT ONCE in over 2 years of exchanges enabled our children to be on time. I cannot count how many “stuck in traffic :)” texts I’ve received. Regardless the judge accomodated her with a later pick-up time without a single consequence for her actions! It’s so frustrating.
I’m sure fer custody order compliance would be a different story if the gov’t would put a freeze on her EPPICard any time she decides “what’s best for the kids” doesn’t include spending time with their father. If my PEW had a dollar deducted from her support for every minute of lateness, I’m quite sure timely pick-ups wouldn’t be such an issue.
One more thing…I am tired of hearing the phrase “single mom” thrown around casually. If you receive $1000’s in support every month and your children have a loving father who strives to maintain an active role in their daily lives, you are NOT a “single mom.” The young widow of a soldier or policeman suddenly killed in action, leaving behind young children and not enough life insurance is a single mom. A loser who flees the state to avoid paying child support leaves behind a single mom.
Leaving the kids home alone, running a bar tab on the trusty EPPICard, and telling all the boys “Hey I’m single”, does NOT make one a “single mom.” Frankly it’s insulting to all the moms who struggle to support and raise children without their father in the picture. Now there’s an episode Dr. Phil and his ilk should run.
April 18th, 2010 at 12:01 am
It is arrogant men like you that have gotten family court into the crisis that it is. Children deserve to have access to both parents. The only time co-parenting doesn’t work is when one of the parents is a controlling jerk that is trying to alienate the other. Take it from me, mothers cannot brainwash children into lying about a father. It is human nature for a child to defend a parent- even abusive ones because they long for a relationship with both parents. And it is NOT true that there are billions of dollars pumped into mothers’ rights. In fact, fatherhood rights is where the cash flow is. That’s why there are so many crooked judges and attorneys taking kids from their mothers. The reason the audience was full of women is that there are that may women who have lost children to idot men like you.
April 18th, 2010 at 9:52 am
For an “educated person” - you sure have a lot to learn. Come back to me when you can back up your BS with verifiable sources. Until then, you’re doing nothing more than what Dr. Phil and radical feminist groups like NOW do - say a lot of unsupportable tripe and pray that some of it sticks.
It is angry, bitter, disordered personalities that have the family court in crisis. The government spends 4-billion on child support enforcement while only spending 10-million on parenting time enforcement. The DV industry is a multi-BILLION dollar industry.
Take your hyper-reactive hysteria to a website who can’t easily debunk your claims.
Dr. Phil is a fraud, his show was little more than pandering to the hysterical masses using examples that are the exception and not the rule. His audience was “loaded” and his guests were biased. And mindless sheep like you follow him right over the edge of the cliff.
April 19th, 2010 at 10:28 am
Sounds to me like yet another mother that sees herself as a victim, never taking responsibility for the position she finds herself in.
I won’t sit here and claim that there is NEVER a case where the father, having the most money and connections, gets awarded sole custody, but I will say that I’m betting the vast majority of mothers from whom custody were taken deserved it for their abusive, yet “woe is me” victimized behavior, whom rarely have the best interests of the children at heart. It’s all about some whacked out idea in their heads that the children are their possessions, forgetting of course that the children are individuals with their own wants, needs, and opinions/attitudes.
I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that these are the same women that claim “parental alienation” when they don’t have exactly what they want, and who would turn around if they WERE awarded custody and begin their own hardcore campaign of parental alienation themselves.
“Angry, bitter, disordered personalities” is spot on, Mister-M.
Thank (insert deity of choice here) that my husband’s Judge saw right through PEW’s BS. The Judge said, and I quote, “You listen to me, PEW, you have made it VERY clear that this has NOTHING to do with the best interests of the children, and EVERYTHING to do with YOU and what YOU want.” This after round after round of her trying to secure custody from my husband (who has had sole physical and legal custody from the very beginning) despite the fact that she allowed her boyfriend/now husband to sexually abuse the children while she flat out neglected them. How many different times and ways can the Judge tell her NO before she gets it? But she’s the victim in all of this, of course, and my husband’s the big meanie hole.
They are ALL the same, these PEW’S.
April 19th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
That is very well written. I was excited to see the topic of that show, because my boyfriend has been done so wrong by the family law and I thought that may be what the show was about and give us some insight on things we could do, however it was completely opposite. I told my boyfriend that evening, shows like that is what makes it hard for men! Granted them stories are horrific, but like you said there are women who have done the same. AND there are men who love their kids and are being witheld from them because a woman is angry of them leaving and use the kids to her advantage.
My boyfriend was in a marriage where I honestly believe she emotionally abused him. His family tells me she would not let the kids around them, because she didn’t like them. My boyfriend was not supposed to be around them, but snuck around to do it, to avoid arguments. His ex posted college grades on the refrigerator writing “Daddy is Stupid” on them. She complained that he was not making enough money and therefore was not a good husband because he could not buy her a new car. She refused to work though. Said he was not a good father because he was not at home often enough for the kids. He is a Correctional Officer for the Federal Government and he is not in control of his schedule and worked overtime to have enough money, because she wouldn’t work.
In June after an argument where she hit him, clawed his back, threw a cell phone at him, and smashed their wedding picture into pieces in front of their children Son 8 and Daughter 6 and told them their Daddy didn’t love them, he decided the best thing to do was to leave. At the time me and him were friends and he called me to tell me what had happen, I remember seeing his nose swollen, back scratched and toe sliced open from the incident. Four days after this happen his ex began calling his Parent’s house begging him to come home and to forgive her. She would say how much she loved him and how sorry she was for everything she had ever done or said. She admitted to him she was unfaithful and begged him to meet her in person. When he would not give into her, she would begin yelling and telling him how awful of a husband and father he was to her and the kids. She called and told his Mother once that if she did not persuade him to come back to her she would destroy his life and do anything to make sure their kids did not have a father! His ex would not allow him to see the kids unless she was present, which he didn’t want to be around her alone, afraid of allegations and what had happened the last time he saw her. She withdrew his paychecks from his bank as soon as they posted, leaving him with no money. After seven weeks of this, she persuaded him back home and told him they could proceed with the divorce, but needed to be together to work things out and make it go smoothly. He felt it was the only way to be with his kids and went back.
Two weeks later I saw a picture of his profile on myspace and found it odd, because it said he was married and how much he loved his wife, etc. I sent an e-mail asking what was up with that. And turns out his ex had sat it up to see if any females would send him anything. She was irrate after reading my e-mail and called and e-mailed me that whole night, from 1AM til 9AM, this was the morning of August 15. The next day I took my boyfriend to his vehicle to talk to him about what was going on, and she had her mother watching us. We tried to leave the parking lot to avoid trouble and her mother followed us dangerously in rush hour traffic. After this incident he decided not to go back home.
A week later was their mediation and he was informed two days prior that a restraining order for protective custody was placed against him and was advised their were no warrants for his arrest.
During mediation his ex requested he take alcohol treatment classes and portrayed him to be an alcoholic. His attorney advised him to agree to please her and to show the judge he did not have a problem. Because of this his visitation rights with the kids were supervised until a permanent hearing order. This was in August of 2009. He went to the treatment center and after one session they said he did not need alcohol treatment.
In October of 2009 he requested she have a physiological evaluation done. Three days after she received this, he went to visit his kids and his ex had him arrested in from of the kids and then went out of her way to drive by as they were placing him in the police car. He was arrested for charges of Menacing with a Deadly Weapon, she had him arrested on a Friday and he had to spend two days in county jail because of the weekend. He was humiliated because of it being done in front of his kids, and because he is a Federal officer and was in uniform and because of his position. The police never asked for his side of the story and just arrested him. When he got out of jail we went to the court house to see what the charges were and it was from their argument back on August 15th, she waited 2 weeks to file the charges and then another 8 to have him arrested and he hadn’t seen or spoken to her other than in e-mail since August 16th. She reported that he held a knife to her throat. Every statement she wrote, police report, letter to DA, and here written version all are different stories. There was no evidence other than her statement and the police arrested him based on a statement of an incident she claimed happened 2 months prior. My boyfriend is not a violent person, he was in the Military and is now an Officer who protects the community and puts his life in danger everyday. Evidence later came which had him on a tape saying how he was going to hurt himself with a knife, but does not prove he did anything to her. Which he says he didn’t really do anything to himself with a knife, that he was doing dishes during their argument and while washing the knife she began yelling are you going to stab me, etc. and he thought for a split second if he hurt himself she would leave him alone. He and she were both intoxicated that night. The judge will not drop the charges and according to my boyfriends criminal attorney says the judge made the comment he thinks my boyfriend is guilty, but once again has not heard his side of the story. We can not afford for it to go to trial, because we do not have the means to pay for another attorney, so in away my boyfriend is being forced to plea, which may effect his job. The DA wanted to drop charges down to something very low, she does not even completely believe the story, says there are many discrepancies, the CLR made the statement it is a weak case, so it is very winnable case, but we don’t have the money to hire an attorney and the judge will not agree to the DA’s offer. Also the judge for his criminal case and family case is the same judge, which we believe is a conflict of interest, but attorney advised us there is nothing we can do about it.
My boyfriend was forced to pay for the CLR 1,000 dollars because his ex is found indigent by the state, but in the permanent hearing we found out she is employed full time now and is making more from her pay, his spousal maintenance of 750.00 and child support of 600.00 more money then he made when he was the sole provider for the family and the courts increased his child support to 850.00. If he didn’t have me, it would be impossible for him to provide for himself and the court still did not give him any visitation other than a therapist visit once a week with kids. When he was court ordered to pay the CLR a thousand dollars he lost his truck because he was unable to make payment and was already behind from the first time he had left and she was taking his money.
From day one his voice has never been heard, and all rights were given to his ex. She is playing the system and the system allows her to continually do it. She had no father figure in her life, was sexually abused and hates men. She really don’t care if their kids have a father figure or not.
We could use any advice from anyone who has been in this similar situation before. It is so sad, that kids have fathers who do want to be a part of their kids lives and mothers who just can’t get over being left and use that to their advantage.
The court system has really disgusted me. This has caused so much stress, financially, physically and emotionally.
I think Dr. Phil needs a show about these issues, as you put it there are a lot more of these cases going on than what was aired on his show.
April 19th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
EducatedPerson, please be true to your name and read Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak. Of course you wouldn’t take my word for it since you’ve immediately judged me as an “arrogant man,” but it receives 5 stars from Amazon readers.
We agree on one thing, that “co-parenting doesn’t work when one of the parents is a controlling jerk that is trying to alienate the other.” However you greatly underestimate the power of the custodial parent, typically the mother. A mother with primary custody who is a “controlling jerk” absolutely CAN BRAINWASH the children.
In fact children often side with the emotionally abusive parent! Sounds absurd right? I took me a long time and plenty of education to come to grips with it. First, children do it out of self-preservation, they’ve seen what mom is capable of and don’t want that wrath directed at them. The children are afraid mom will banish them just like she banished the father if they don’t “behave.” Children may resent the father for “leaving” them alone with the crazy person, no longer able to be a buffer of reason. Or they may simply feel abandoned by the father (not understanding the extreme complexities of marriage, especially to an emotionally abusive woman.) This mom also subtly (sometimes not so subtly) “rewards” the children for siding with her over dad. Emotionally abusive parents often “parentify” the children when they seek to shoulder the burden of the parent’s excessive emotional needs, the children often become more a confidante, partner, more a friend to the emotionally disturbed parent. The children are taught firsthand the power and control mom wields as an emotionally abusive bully, as a teenager, the child may start to gain control of their own over the bullied parent. This mom often also likes to play victim to friends, family, lawyers, judges, etc. in order to receive sympathy, money, more power, and having majority custody, the children are heavily exposed to this victim mentality, and may start to use it for their own gain. Of course many dads are emotional abusers too, but the mother generally receives far and away more custody, which gives them dramatically more opportunities for parent alienation.
Ironically all of the above may even be more likely if dad is a good and loving parent. A good, loving dad could seem like even more of a patsy, as he doesn’t fight back and keeps “coming back” for more abuse. Of course most children aren’t even consciously aware of this terrible dynamic. Perhaps the mom isn’t either. The brainwashing doesn’t require a sinister plan or even conscious efforts. It can be achieved by something as simple as always leaving dad wait out in the rain, cold, wind, etc. until the exact second his custody starts just “because.” The kids pick up that dad isn’t worth the same respect you’d give a door-to-door salesman. Or maybe it’s those “little” comments like, “Awww, too bad dad has you tonight, I was going to… take you for ice cream; take you to baseball game (Bill got us all tickets); take you to the zoo; etc.; you get the point, mom (and maybe her boyfriend) have something better to offer than dad does.
If that sounds “bitter,” so be it. We should all be angry about child abuse. Is there anything greater than love for a child? Parent alienation is an effort to dimishish and destroy that. Parent alienation is child abuse.
By the way, I’m not some unkempt loner bitterly plotting revenge. Presently I’m engaged to a wonderful woman, and my relationship with my 17-year-old son has never better better, in spite of having a “jerk” for a mother. Furthermore he is hers naturally. I adopted him when he was two. When he was 13, his mother laid out her plan “for a better life…by leaving your father (me).” I found heart-breaking text messages of the two of them plotting behind my back. He was so horribly alienated, he even challenged me physically (he’s a wrestler and a football player and quite a bit taller than me) when I simply told him to go his room. Fortunately he’s since grown up quickly and has realized dad is a pretty good guy after all. Tomorrow we will celebrate his “adoption day” together (provided mom doesn’t pull yet another stunt.) Thankfully he now knows enough and has the courage to stand up for what is right, and to spend that time with his dad. Yet his mom still wields control, such as last week when the “only day” she could take him for a tux for the prom was…big surprise…my midweek custody night. Tragically there’s now blatant signs of alienation with our 7 year old girl, a daddy’s princess who singlehandedly kept my spirits up during the terribly ugly split.
Do not underestimate the brainwashing ability of a “jerk” with majority custody. Do not assume that all alienated dads must be arrogant control freaks who pay off judges.
April 21st, 2010 at 10:46 pm
Jeff,
I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you.
April 22nd, 2010 at 3:09 pm
I cannot believe what I just read from so called, “educated person”! “mothers cannot brainwash children into lying about a father”. Why children do this all the time! And like you yourself said, “it is human nature for a child to defend a parent, even abusive ones”. This websites whole point is based on just that! I watched my husbands 8 yr. old son at the time, lie to child services and the courts about his father, in order to “protect” his mother, he felt I’m sure. His confused little mind coupled by her threats of what will happen to them if “he doesn’t say this and that to the judge etc” , led him to say all kinds of lies! It always amazes me when the “brainwasher” doesn’t see the amount of brainwashing they are doing….sure there are jerk fathers out there! But there is also a vast amount of good fathers who want to be given more of a chance then they are allowed. If you want to bash men, or vent about your “jerk”, I suggest you find a website that deals with that and stay off this one. This is titled THE PSYCHO EX WIFE for a reason.
April 24th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
I had intended to comment on Dr. Phil, but the comment by “Educated Person” moved me to address her first. YES, a mom can absolutely brainwash a child. Here’s how:
MOTHER: “I really want you to have fun at your dad’s”.
CHILD: “Ok”.
MOTHER (in oh-poor-me tone): “I guess I’ll have to go Christmas shopping all by myself. I’ll be soooo lonely. I may go to see that new movie you have been wanting to see so badly”.
CHILD: “I don’t want to go see dad after all. I want to stay with you mom.”
MOTHER (barely able to contain her glee): “Well ok, but you need to be the one to call you dad and tell him so he doesnt think I told you not to go”
This serves 2 purposes. First, the mother gets exactly what she wants…alienation of the father. Second, it truly looks to te child like it was his own idea. See, in the past PEW has been burned by kids stating “Mom said if I go….”. So she had to change it up and “disguise” it. This happens OVER and OVER again.
Now to Dr. Phil: He really does do a better job than most are giving him credit for. I work in the field and I find his no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is approach refreshing and wonderful. Most counselor-types I have worked with are way to “tell me about how you feel” instead of “lets lay it all on the table and assign blame where blame is due, fix it, and move-on”. He doesnt let people like a borderline get away with their crap.
He has done several shows that included a balanced “men’s view” and regularly features a guy named Mel (can’t remember last name..Fein?) who is affiliated with a national father’s advocacy program. He is the male “Gloria Alled” except he has some sense. He fights for men’s rights when the man IS IN THE RIGHT. (Gloria seems to fight for women’s rights whether or not they deserve it).
That particular show to me was more about a really moronic judge who refused to entertain ANY evidence the woman had which resulted in her child’s death. She had emails where the SOB actually laid out his plan to kill their son in black and white.
While I think MUCH more needs to be done to spotlight the shaft that alot of men get, and the bull-shark that many PEW’s are permitted by the court to get away with, I think Phil does 100x more than ANY other major celebrity to bring light to plights like ours. As for me, my fiancee’s atty happens to be a state representative. I intend to figure out, if nothing else, how to get visitation enforced (unless there is factual, evidentiary just cause) just as stringenly as child support.
April 26th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
bj..I like your example of brainwashing! So nicely done in such a sweet way. Of course there are pews such as ours that flat out tell their son (in the court appt. counselors office- another joke) the lie that “they will be living in a cardboard box because daddy isn’t paying his child support”. Of course these things were always said in, the waiting rooms, outside the court rooms, or live outside where taping wasn’t always convenient. By the way you guys out there, it is legal in the state of Calif. to tape a person outside without their knowledge.Cops do it all the time and one happened to tell my husband it was legal. However, if on the phone you must get their permission. (Except the state of Arizona)and they aren’t allowed in the court room.
April 26th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
I would suggest that you check your own states laws before you record. In my state you can record UNLESS its a conversation between one parent and the child.
Also, I have greatly helped my fiancee’s case by being vigilent on all the social sites (facebook, myspace, etc.). I have not only searchd the PEW’s page but her friends’ pages. (She rarely has local friends…they are all “internet friends” who live states away and have no way to verify the things she says. This really feeds her need to feel justified and gain victim attention b/c these naive people provide her supportive comments about her “victim” status).
When she realized I was using her own words to “hang” her she made her sites private. (This is where knowing the friends she had listed on her pages came in handy.) She continued to post useable stuff on her friends’ pages.
For instance, she recently kicked out her 3rd hubby. She put all over the internet how tickled she was that she “kicked the SOB out” and “good riddance” etc. Then 2 weeks later she had erased all that and had up all these comments about how the hubby “abandoned her” “left w/o a word and didn’t pay power bill”. She then proceeds to file divorce papers that included a request for alimony.
In our state you cannot collect alimony if you initiated the separation.
My printing of her comments saved this man THOUSANDS in alimony and showed her for the liar she is. I hope to use alot of the same to assist my fiancee as we go for our final hearing very soon.
The one caveat: What I can do, can also be done to me with regards to these sites….so careful what you post on your site AND others!
April 27th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Glenn Sacks has picked up this story on the Fathers & Families Website. You can read even more detail here:
http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/?p=6929
On the “Creek” case, I’ve interacted with “Sheldon Creek” for years on his issues and the horror that man and his children have been put through is *almost* unbelievable.
April 29th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
There may be an update on the show in August.
May 10th, 2010 at 3:32 pm
I did not see the show but I just want everyone to know that after a long court battle, my DH did win full custody of his daughter. We thought things would get better but PEW is making life a living hell on my step-daughter. It is so bad we are weighing our options in terminating her parental rights all together.
May 18th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
MG,
I know we are what is best for our 2 and I know we would encourage a home where both parents were a part of their lives….BUT I am terrified that our PEW will make our/kids’ lives hell! Our family members are concerned for our safety in the event we ge custody.
August 18th, 2010 at 7:56 am
is this about fathers rights or best interest of the children?are pictures of women’s faces black and blue and hair ripped out their heads doctured. the news headlines of men shooting and killing someone who no longer wants them lies? violation of restraing order violated. stop taking every single women who are fighting for their children’s safety and judging them the same!!!!!
August 18th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Jennifer - grow up. Domestic Violence affects everyone, regardless of gender, and with respect to this specific episode, I happen to know for a fact that Dr. Phil had at least one guest who was a flat-out liar.
When people like you stop judging all men the same and giving violent, lying women a ‘free pass’ (especially for the domestic violence they commit) - we’ll get some real meaningful dialogue and real meaningful efforts to fight it.
And for the record, it’s also a fact that biological mothers kill, abuse, neglect their children at a clip that is more than DOUBLE that of biological fathers… but don’t let the truth get in the way of your bullshit rhetoric.