The Psycho Ex Wife

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The conclusion… continuing from Part 2:

Wednesday evening, after I picked up the boys from school and we got home, I took S1 outside for a talking-with in private.  We discussed the concerns I had and some of the information I had gotten from Mrs. S1Teacher.  He would immediately become defensive and frustrated.  He was afraid that this was going to turn into a “bash S1″ conference and had a thousand excuses.

I would stop him before his agitated diatribe got rolling to remind him that this back-slide, as I have termed it, is not a cause for alarm.  After all, I said, “You’ve gone from As to middle Bs.  I am not going to bash you for Bs, S1.  Cs, Ds, or Fs… I would be alarmed.  As to Bs, is just a signal to me that something may need some extra attention, nothing more.”

We did talk about his lack of truthfulness on some of the issues and I spent a good deal of time addressing his contention that Mrs. S1Teacher doesn’t like him or is out to get him.  It’s just not true.  I explained to him that she has high expectations of him because he has demonstrated that he has the skills to get it done.  When he becomes distracted, inattentive, and/or disruptive, this is disappointing to her and is unfair to all of his classmates if she’s repeatedly stopping to redirect him and not teaching everyone.  He wanted to get defensive, but I simply asked him, “Is what Mrs. S1Teacher has told me untrue?” He answered, “No.”

I reiterated to him what my plans are.  They are to increase my checking of his work.  They are to expect a higher level of focus in school and at home.  They are to expect better organization both in school and at home.  That’s it.  That’s all that is necessary for him to get back to As.  How much scrutiny he will get from me will depend entirely on his efforts and the results.  I explained to him that I will not allow tomorrow’s conference to turn into a “bash S1″ session.  What happened this past marking period can’t be undone.  All he/we can do is make improvements going forward.  I told him that he still may feel apprehensive and emotional during the discussions tomorrow and that it’s okay… if he needs a reassuring glance or a thumbs up, you just look at me.

A couple of disclosures were made on the short ride home from school yesterday.  I was aware of some and not aware of others:

• Both boys apparently had upper respiratory infections last week.  She kept them both out of school all of last week and on Monday.
• PEW made no arrangements for their school work to come home while they were out, even though she knew she was keeping them out for the full week.  (Apparently, they both had fevers every single day.)
• Though S2 was okay to go to school, PEW was a little under the weather and chose not to send S2 to school because, “You’ll probably have a lot of make-up homework and I just don’t feel like helping you with it today.”
• Though S1 is NOT “in trouble” - I did ask him if PEW had imposed any restrictions on TV time or video-game time in order to help him get re-focused on school work since getting his report card.  Of course, the reply was negative.
• In keeping with her penchant of doing what I call “setting up Dad and the children for failure” - they had a fun project to do - preparing Valentine’s Cards for classmates.  Despite having them since the weekend, I got a note in the late afternoon on Wednesday informing me that they “had to be done” for Thursday.
• She tells S2 that she thinks that his teacher gives him “entirely too much homework.”

Chatting with DW last night, I said to her that it’s uncanny how she puts on this overly-concerned, academics focused, vigilant front for the school staff, blaming, shaming, blowharding… while behind the scenes, she does nothing.  “It’s always somebody else’s fault.”  She bears no responsibility on the home front.  Worse, she openly says things to the children which undermine the teacher’s efforts, undermine the importance of learning, and essentially foster negative attitudes towards school-work/homework.

I also said to DW - these are the things that I would like to point out to her, but understand that doing so would do absolutely NO good.  There is NOTHING I can do about it.  It was suggested that I bring up these issues while in conference, but unfortunately, S1 will be in attendance and I won’t risk her having a meltdown in that forum with him there.

As we arrived for the conference, S1 was waiting for us and we proceeded to his classroom.  It would be me, PEW, S1, and Mrs. S1Teacher.  When we approached her, she was nice but noticeably greeted PEW with a nod and smile as she passed through the door while openly greeting me with a handshake and saying, “Great to see you again, Mister-M, thank you for coming.”

The conference went mostly as predicted.  Mrs. S1Teacher opened up with some of the behaviors that she had noted about S1.  Most of it being distracted and doing things he’s not supposed to be doing.  Some of it being downright disrespectful - ignoring other students, ignoring the teacher’s assistant, or flat-out ignoring the teacher.  Essentially just “not being there.”  Mrs. S1Teacher lauded him, too, stating that the days he is “with her” - his face beams with pride as he makes his contributions and that most of the other students really look up to him.  In many of the lessons, particularly in reading and writing where this slight back-step has occurred, he’s clearly better than the rest.

After the teacher’s opening statements (which S1 acknowledged), I took the opportunity to describe the discussions I had with S1 the previous evening, the content of which was nearly identical to what Mrs. S1Teacher had said to open the conference.

Predictably, PEW sat there with a dopey look on her face and said nothing.  For a moment, there was that uncomfortable silence as S1, the teacher, and I sat there looking at PEW.  Mrs. S1Teacher breaks the silence by saying, “Okay, PEW, and what are your expectations?  Do you have anything you want to say?” in that voice like she was talking to one of her 10-year-olds during class time.

With that PEW turned to S1 and offered some weak dialogue that mostly centered around telling S1:

• He’s doing great in school (which is true).
• He’s not a “bad boy” (the way she says it makes me want to cringe).
• He has a “lot of privileges like television and video games that I would hate to have to take away” (which is a testament to her disciplinary style - she has none).

The other thing that has bothered me for quite a long time is PEW’s over-expectation that the kids, in particular S1, have full responsibility for things like food choices, how much they eat, how much time they spend playing video-games or watching television.  A glaring example of this is detailed in the “Child Obesity Crisis Looms” posts.  Her method is different from most.  I understand completely about giving the children responsibility over certain things - like getting their homework done.  PEW just absolves herself of any responsibility for instilling this in the children.  She just doesn’t do it.  She can’t.  She’s utterly incapable.  She thinks she sounds intelligent by saying things like, “S1, you need to make better choices…” without recognizing that the ability to make better choices is learned over time with structure, with discipline, with tutelage - a child is taught how to make better choices and is slowly given opportunities to demonstrate this when they present themselves.  PEW, I think, just expects that this suddenly happens on its own, as if by osmosis, and her expectation that they do these things are all that she needs to do.

This is where I believe we will always struggle with discipline and responsibility.  She does little to foster these positive behaviors.  The boys have little expectation that they will be held accountable for less-than acceptable behaviors when with her.  The boys rarely, if ever, suffer any sanctions when they do misbehave (after all, PEW would “hate” to have to take away the things that they love and enjoy so much).  Worse - her sister and the rest of her family undermine the scant few efforts that she makes to do something along those lines - as I detailed in this post where her sister openly makes fun of PEW’s efforts to talk to the boys about something, calling her “talking-tos” Walton speeches after the television show The Waltons. Now, that’s how the boys make the same derogatory comments about her rare efforts.  They are taught to be disrespectful of the PEW and they have learned to expect that they will suffer no negative sanctions from her.  When they do, there will be others who will make fun of her for it and do so openly and in front them.  Is it any wonder why they do this to other authority figures?

The bottom line is this - I suggested to Mrs. S1Teacher that we use his daily homework book to make short communications daily about his behavior and efforts.  Mrs. S1Teacher will report on his efforts in the classroom (both good and bad).  I will do the same from the home front.  We will both monitor his organization by checking his book-bag daily (home) and his desk daily (school).  She thought it was a great idea.  Then again, she turned to PEW and asked if she had any suggestions.  Of course, she didn’t, turning instead to S1 and reminding him that he is an excellent student, that he is not a “bad-boy,” and that she loves him.  She then agreed to do the same thing I had suggested.  I doubt it, but we’ll see.

PEW’s participation in this conference was very predictable as was its stark contrast to all of the blustery, agitated correspondence over the course of the last week.

S1 seemed a bit nervous but not uncomfortable with the conference.  He never lost focus and was not upset in the slightest and I hope that is attributable to the discussion we had the previous night.  His limited commentary had me concerned that he didn’t quite get it all, but my concerns were dispelled at a get-together to celebrate my nephew’s 2nd birthday last night.  Uncle V, of his own accord, asked S1 how things were going in school.  I eavesdropped from afar, listening as he told Uncle V that his grades in reading and writing “slipped from As to Bs” but that we had a conference to get him “back on the right track” and described the details of the discussions.  I was pleased.  Now the important part begins - the follow-through.