Feedback: Children’s Input on Deviating from Custody Orders
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A reader wrote to us about a post we made a while ago entitled When Should the Children Have a Say?
Dear LM & DW,
Man, do I feel your pain. It wasn’t until today that I found out about Borderline Personality Disorder, and WOW!! This fits like a glove! My ex is not nearly as bad as yours, but still, I’m almost 20 years into it. I’m so relieved that I can finally call it a disorder, and that I can start formally educating my kids about it (17 & 14). I do not plan to tell them it’s a disorder yet, just help them when they are having trouble by using the correct terminology, etc. when they are experiencing her BPD.
With respect to your post on 1/28/2008 titled “When Should the Children Have a Say?”, there is a reader who claims that you are using technicalities to get a rise out of her. I personally felt like you let the reader off lightly.
I’ve been divorced for 9 years now, and there hasn’t been one year where she hasn’t just flat out made up her own interpretation of the holiday/summer schedule. And it’s usually a complete surprise to her that I have a differing opinion. The visitation plan, even when it’s spelled out in plain English, is always up for her interpretation, and therefore I am at her mercy. You can never make long term plans without worrying about what she’ll “make up” and assume as common knowledge.
Without technicalities, you are subjecting yourself to her control forever. Without technicalities you have to tip-toe around with her, hoping that you don’t set off one of her “thermonuclear explosions”, causing you to lose real time with your kids.
I love your site - I hope you keep it going. Write a book - I’ll buy it!
~BH
BH’s reference to the post I linked in the opening was actually a follow-up to the issues that preceded the Christmas Holiday in 2007, which resulted in my getting a make-up holiday after PEW’s custodial interference during Christmas in 2006. Back then, a reader questioned my decision to enjoy the extended period of time I was having with the children over the holidays - time that was awarded to me after the PEW was found guilty of contempt of court.
This reader offered some additional insight I hadn’t considered when I responded in the original post and, with the holiday season upon us and PEW’s and PEH’s all over the world beginning to ramp up for a new campaign of terror to destroy them for people gets underway - the timing was uncanny.
Among some other thoughts… I suggested to BH that his children are old enough to start engaging in some dialogue about the issues they’re experiencing which may culminate in his deciding to share the book Understanding the Borderline Mother with them.
Feel free to add your thoughts regarding his situation.
November 23rd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
If the 14 year old is not very sophisticated — or for younger children — you might try “An Umbrella For Alex” by Rachel Rashkin. The review says, “PDAN is proud to announce the publication of its first book, “An Umbrella for Alex,” by Rachel Rashkin, MS. It tells the story of how a young boy learns to understand and cope with his mother’s BPD illness.” We ordered it and really liked it. Here is the website: http://www.pdan.org/store.php
November 23rd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I love how you refer to the holiday season as “campaign of terror”.
That’s exactly what it is.
This is our second year into the divorce and already she’s guilting my boyfriend into the “well, you’re not going to be with us”!
The first year he was so guilty he just spent the whole days their, Thanksgiving, and Xmas eve and day, and of course it led to a big fight between us.
Since there still isn’t even a separation agreement she will sign (we’re getting close I think!), we don’t risk me meeting the kids yet as I am “the whore” and we don’t want the trouble that will bring.
She just won’t move on.
Two years now.
November 23rd, 2009 at 12:59 pm
@ Chrissy: two years — you are just getting started, my dear. Two years is kind of the cut-off point between “ordinary divorce nuttiness” and actual disorder. Normal people take about 18 months-to-two years to move on… up until that point, a lot of the misbehavior can be attributed to the pain of the divorce, plus ignorance of not knowing how to deal with it any better than that. But by two years, most divorced folks have figured it out. After that, the ones that continue to spew the insanity are the high-conflict personalities — BPDs, NPDs, and others whose neuroses compromise their ability to function in the post-divorce world.
At this end of the world — yes, “campaign of terror” is correct. I am coming into my busiest season in my business — already this past weekend my call volume spiked up with parents who want to make last-ditch efforts to circumvent the holiday section of the court order. “She’s refusing to put the kids on the airplane”, “I went to the house to pick up, and nobody was there”, “She’s been calling here non-stop ever since I got the kids”, “She told me that the kids had a right to spend Thanksgiving with their ‘real’ family, not ‘that whore that I’ve taken up with’”, “She said she is petitioning for an emergency hearing on Monday, and until she hears otherwise from the judge, she doesn’t have to send the kids to me”, “She called eight times on Sunday and put the kids’ cousins on the phone, crying, and telling them that they are going to miss seeing their cousins because I’m selfishly forcing the kids to stay with me instead”…
Now, you may wonder why so many of the troublesome parents are mothers — well, that’s because in Texas, mothers get primary custody 98% of the time, and the standard possession order in Texas gives fathers the kids for Thanksgiving in odd-numbered years. That makes this the year for increased shenanigans.
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:56 pm
The most frustrating part for me was that the judge in my case just didn’t understand this “campaign of terro” concept that is so very well explained by BH.
When I tried to protect myself and daughter by demanding rock solid custody orders and demanding that they always be followed to the letter, my reward was admonishment from the judge for being “rigid” and “inflexible.” I simply could not make the judge understand that being “flexible” with PEG would never, ever work. It had already been tried and fails every time. She just didn’t get it, and wagged her finger at me for “not getting along.” Sheesh.
November 24th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
i feel for you, chrissy. we’re looking at 7 years since my husband divorced, and she STILL tells him she loves him. its been a nightmare. the best thing we ever did was kep a journal from day one, recommended by a previous attorney. it has everything from scanned documents to photographs of text messages, to a running journal of unfolding events. now, we are trying to get custody papers finalized - she has agreed to sign them over, with pay - yet she’s dragging this out because there is a wage-witholding order in place, and she’s still getting her “paycheck” (for almost a year now). both kids have finally seen her craziness firsthand, so they are adamant about living with my husband and i, yet we wait.
this site has been a sort of outlet for me, knowing that there are others who are dealing with the same shit we are, day in and day out. i apreciate you sharing, Mr. M, so that others like myself know that there is a sort of “support system” out there for the frazzled ex-spouses and new spouses dealing with this type of situation. so, thank you. i hope your holidays are less eventful than in years past!
November 24th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
hmmmm. thats a great idea, Mr. M. Maybe you should write a book. I definitely would buy it.
December 9th, 2009 at 12:29 am
My friend is going through this exact craziness and he is only in the separation stage yet. Unbelievable incidences….his wife is also abusive. Mentally, physically, emotionally, you name it. His biggest problem, as I see it from outside of course, is he always wants to blame himself for every one of her actions. Blames himself for her feelngs (he left her) himself for her outbursts etc. Any advice so I may help be supportative for him?