I’m Depriving the Children of Nutrition (allegedly) - Part A
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Unrelated to my recent job loss, the psycho ex-wife has chosen again to make the children’s weight and nutrition an issue. Of course, this is my fault. Her timing is uncanny. I need this shit right now like I need another hole in my head. It’s the same story on this issue, just a different month.
To see the history, you can read: Child Obesity Crisis Looms series. This is another chapter, I suppose.
It starts with the following email:
LM,
I also forgot to mention. S1 has expressed on MANY occassions the fact that he is allocated the same portions of food as S1 and he’s hungry ALOT at your place. I know you would LIKE him to be thin, but he’s not. He is large, always has been large and may always be large, however the one thing I will not allow you to do is to deprive him of nutrition that his body needs to grow….not to mention to give him enough fuel to get through a day. If you’re not sure how much “fuel” he needs to get through a day….consult with a nutritionist or the pediatrician. It sounds like when he comes to you, he’s living on about 900 calories a day. He needs about 2300 per day to function and grow. S2’s is 1300 per day…. I am going to start calling him everyday when he’s at your house and asking him what he was served. If this continues beyond next week, I will have no choice but to file a petition because I am not going to have you or your girlfriend malnourish our children….a) because your cheap and saving money on food and b) because you think he doesn’t deserve to eat because he’s heavy. Not going to have it.
~PEW
Let me be clear again about a few things:
- S1 is 10-years old and is back up to about 160-pounds. He is approximately 5′2″ tall. He is overweight by at least 30-pounds.
- S2 has been putting on some weight recently, but he is still height and weight proportionate. The weight gain is a bit sudden and it’s starting to show.
- We don’t obsess about food. We don’t obsess about weight. I can’t be anymore clear about this. All we do is talk to the children about health and fitness. Even that we do casually. We encourage exercise, which we often do together, and lately - they’ve been doing on their own, which is great!
- We all eat normal meals. Normal breakfast. Normal lunch. Normal dinner. Normal evening snack. If anything, they probably sometimes get slightly more than they should from time-to-time when with us. They definitely do not get less than they need.
- S1 would eat until someone physically restrained him if given the chance. S2 eats until he is full and stops.
That’s it. Normal stuff. Every day. With my head still reeling from the events of that day, I simply ignored it. Soon, there was a follow-up…
LM,
I figured you were going to ignore the email and after doing some research and discussion with people close to S1, I do believe I need to persue the issue. This has been ongoing for several years and is very serious and is impacting S1’s emotional well-being and self image.
Last year it was an email from Mrs. S1Teacher telling me that you refused to send him to school with a snack, resulting in my having to drop a cases of snacks off at school. This year it has resulted in my having to keep his lunch account full of money so that if he does not have an adequate lunch he can buy himself additional food. Two years ago, he starved off almost 10 lbs while he was under yours and DW’s care in the summer and was completely obsessed with his weight for months, refusing to eat and trying to skip meals. You are harming our son. SERIOUSLY. I have let you slide on many many things over the past year or so trying to give you the opportunity to show you are truly a good father, however this weight thing keeps rearing it’s ugly head.
If I don’t hear from you addressing the situation, I will have no other choice but to protect S1 by requesting a hearing. This is not something you have the option to ignore. You need to acknowledge that you need to educate yourself or deny it completely and that tells me that this is not something we can handle between the two of us.
~PEW
Pure insanity. Right from the script comes the “everyone I’ve talked to is on my side” dialogue.
The situation she describes with his teacher simply did not happen the way she describes it. S1’s lunchbox is always packed with a sandwich, a bag of chips/pretzels, a fruit item, a small snack, and when I have them, a little Werther’s Original which I tell them is my “kiss” for them during the day. When I was informed that the class had a morning snack due to a late lunch, I immediately packed him a package of snack crackers or a nutrigrain bar.
In the summer of 2007, S1 was 8-years old and came to us weighing 147-pounds. We had him full-time that summer. While eating the same normal meals, he was on the local swim team which had vigorous 2-hour practices 4-nights per week plus competitions on Saturday. This was in addition to the normal daily activities that the all of the kids did. He went home at the end of that summer weighing 130-pounds. We didn’t set out to have him lose weight, it simply happened as a result of all of the exercise he was getting. He noticed the difference and probably has never been more proud of himself and thrilled with the way he looked and how he could keep up with everyone when playing games like tag or football. These details, by the way, had already been made known to her way back when. Incidentally, after returning to her as primary custodian at that time, by November, a period of 2-months, he was already back up to 154-pounds.
Finally, she admits something I suspected all along this year… something S1 has lied to me about. She has given him the green-light to purchase a lunch (from the awful menu) during my custodial time. What has been happening is that S1 has been buying lunch…
- when is packed a lunch that he likes, meaning he is eating 2 lunches each day.
- when he is packed a lunch that he doesn’t like, he is eating 1+ lunches by cherry-picking out the things he likes (usually the chips, the snack, and the fruit item) and then buying a school lunch.
This is simply alarming and accounts for his visually obvious rapid weight gain during this school year and S2 has probably been doing the same thing. This is very upsetting to me that she has allowed this to go on. When I suspected this was going on, there were several occasions where S1’s lunchbox would come back with his sandwich in it and I would ask him why… he would reply that he “just wasn’t hungry” and didn’t eat anything else.
Despite my serious concerns and a feeling that I need to try to address this situation with her out of concern for S1, I’m not in the right frame of mind. I still ignore because there is nothing I can say to her that will change her position.
She follows up again…
LM,
I really really really don’t want to start another War over this whole food thing. If you don’t want to email, then call me on my cell to discuss. I have the petition done and I DO NOT want to file it, but I feel like I HAVE to. I know when you read it, you’re going to be upset and that is not the intention, however I can’t let this problem continue because if you could see how it is affecting them you would do the same.
~PEW
Right from the script - the threats of court action. Shocker. She went as far as to prepare a petition to file for sole legal custody and primary physical custody of the children. It is, as yet, unfiled. This time, I choose to reply…
PEW,
There is nothing to discuss. Your allegations are unfounded and not worthy of the attention you seek. S1 eats regular, normal meals at home and is at no risk of “malnutrition” or “malnourishment.” I’m not sure what stories S1 may be telling you, but I can assure you that he suffers absolutely no shortage of food while at my home.
There is nothing more I can or will say on the subject.
~LM
In Part B, the allegations get more wacky on the food front and I will post the petition she has prepared. I can’t begin to describe for you how frightening this situation is for me because there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t control what she does. I can’t control what she feeds them. I can’t control what her brain conjures up to justify her insane rants. The scariest part of this is she is missing the obvious - her excuse-making and justifications for his weight are ludicrous. If something doesn’t change, he will have problems, maybe S2 as well. All I can do is keep educating them, feed them properly when with me, and continue to encourage and participate in exercise and fitness activities with them.
This really sucks.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
She’s nuts. Have you ever discussed the weight issue with the kids’ pediatrician regarding weight? Has the pediatrician mentioned during regular check-ups that S1 is overweight? I suspect the doctor would say that S1 needs to get his weight under control. Childhood obesity has been all over the papers lately and your PEW’s position could very well back fire on her. If she files, maybe you could counter that she is the one who is putting S1’s health in danger by not helping him learn to control his weight and fostering proper nutritional habits? Who knows, maybe you’ll end up with sole given her repeated antics.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I will be scheduling a “well-visit” next week for both boys to discuss the matter and prepare for a possible court visit that I don’t think is likely.
We spoke on the phone last night… for the waste of breath it probably was… but it is an urgent matter pertaining to the children I truly felt, after two days of toiling about contacting her, that it was necessary even if a waste of time.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I didn’t realize that crazy food antics were part of the PEW operating manual. We have those too, which you know from reading some of the emails she has sent us.
SD2, much like your son, is rapidly gaining weight all of it right on her stomach. Research has recently attributed this kind of weight gain to trans-fats. Guess what she eats when she is with her mom? Cookies, chips, candy, snack cakes and all kinds of other garbage. But according to the PEW, the sandwich and copious amounts of fruit we have in the house to be taken for lunch is not good enough.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
In the first email, she accuses you of underfeeding your child to save money. Exactly how much money can a person save by underfeeding a child? Which makes me wonder just how much money she’s wasting if she really thinks that underfeeding a child makes a dent in a budget.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Our PEW has the opposite issues. Last year PEW kidnapped our g-child for 7 weeks before law enforcement forced her to bring the child back. At the time of the incident the child weighed 30lbs and 7 weeks later when she returned, the child weighed 25 lbs. This is a 3 year old child that when returned said she couldn’t eat because it would give her a “fat belly”. She was obsessed with getting fat. The PEW is bulemic and had a gastric bypass in recent years which has left her a skeleton with skin. Why these PEWs have to inflict thier own weight issues onto thier children is beyond me. It ia all about CONTROL and DRAMA.
So sorry that you are going through such a rough time. Hope things improve quickly for you.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Gosh darn it! Darn that “when it rains, it pours” phenomenon! We’ve dealt with this a little bit. Not to the extend you are/have. Our 9 year old currently teeters around btwn 130 and 140 and is 4′11″ We make an effort to eat healthy and keep active in our house hold. At times my SS has taken an interest in “is this good for me to eat” We/I have been accused on many occasions of putting him on a diet. But then in her next breath will make it a big deal with he drops a few pounds and tells him how good he looks and he’s looking thinner. And then in the very next breath will supply a week’s worth of meals at McD’s and BK. This is a kid that LIKES to eat salads and veggies and fruit. He doesn’t stand a chance…I believe her yoyo personality directly contributes to his yoyo weight. Good Luck, with everything.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
As much as some of you pointed out, the bizarre nature of her argument is somewhat simpler.
How do you express concern about the children’s weight, health, and nutrition, claiming that they are not getting enough to eat, by pointing out that they are overweight/gaining weight?
How are normal people supposed to deal with a situation like this?
March 6th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Her argument is pretty ludicrous. I’m curious to see this ridiculous petition she prepared.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
I am so sorry to hear about all you are going through. I can see your point too - she contradicts herself in so many ways it’s unbelievable! I don’t know the answer to your question, but we do it every day..
My BF’s ex simply allows their daughter to eat whenever and whatever she pleases. Her eating habits are terrible, which is her mother’s fault. When she is with us, however, we eat very healthy, well rounded meals. We pack her a lunch for school when she is with us too and she loves that! It is so hard to combat the destructive ways of the other side, and you’re so right.. there is not too much we can do to control it.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I can relate in so many ways.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Love how she concocts this crazy scenario and then feels qualified to cast aspersions on your imagined motives. Whenever people try to mind-read, it is always much more revealing about what’s in THEIR heads.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
We actually DID have appointments made with the pediatrician 4 years ago about S1’s weight as he was 6 years old and over 80 lbs already. They did blood work, everything, said there was no reason his weight should be so high and that he needed to eat properly, have ZERO fast food, minimal snacks, etc. PEW of course ignored it and just pointed out that he doesn’t have diabetes so he’s fine, he is just going to be big, and hey lots of big people are successful, rich and have hot wives. No, I’m not joking, she continues to say this to everyone that is concerned with his weight. She wants him to be fat, it makes her feel better about her own weight issues. Wait until you see the next installment of this saga, it’s priceless.
March 7th, 2009 at 12:24 am
We’ve been to court over food issues. And we’ve had CYS investigations over food issues.
When I first left, PB felt that because he paid child support, I should provide food for the children during visitation. He refused to feed the kids. It was my responsiblity to pack food for them to eat during visitation.
I brought this up…the court blew me off as an over protective mother. I packed food for quite a while just so they could eat…
Nothing happened–and the kids REALLY were being deprived AND they weren’t over weight either.
What finally ended it? DD 2, who is blind, burned herself cooking for the younger 2 and then it came to the attention of the authorities.
Did I tell you about how PB went off in court and said I was anorexic when I was 19 and therefore unfit to parent and this was why I was obsessed with food? Laughable….because his attorney looks like Olive Oyl herself.
We went through a bit where he would purposely force feed them to make them vomit…and he tried to claim I was giving them an eating disorder…the anorexia thing again…but again, it went no where and actually resulted in again, the authorities checking him out after the kids admitted to their teachers that Daddy was feeding them until the threw up to “get Mommy”.
Schedule the doctor visit–as the doctor for sheets for a diet for the kids. They should have sample diets available…and feed them from the diet the doctor recommends. Or they should be able to give you websites with sample daily meals.
Document, keep the meals to the letter(or write down everything you feed them in a journal) and don’t sweat it. IF she sues, you can go in and say the doctor recommended this diet…this many calories per day…this is what I fed them.
Unless abuse is obvious–meaning it’s obvious that the children are being deprived of food and are suffering…NOTHING can or will be done. Seriously …it will come off as nothing more than her harrassing you. No way in heck you’ll lose custody over that.
If anything the court will hand this off as a child protective agency thing. How is food a violation of the order? It’s not. If SHE really were looking to actually GET somewhere on this…she’d call CYS. They’d investigate, IF they find the investigation founded, THEN it would go to court….at that time your custody arrangements COULD be looked at. But it’s doubtful. She’s grasping at straws.
So sorry though…I know that BPD’s can smell IT in the air. PB is always worse when we are having a crisis on the homefront.
March 7th, 2009 at 2:54 am
We have not had food but trying to find things to meddle in and create drama at my house is not new — lately she is casting aspersions on the baby sitter — last week it was… the sitter is not an adult and therefore PEW does not want the kids left alone with her…..the sitter is 19. This from the woman who used to leave 8 - 5- 2 yr olds home alone while she drove her mother to the bus years ago and also hired our first sitter ever, who was 18 at the time. Mind you the kids are 15-12-9 now and she routinely leaves them home alone at her house.
So we know it has nothing to do with the issue at hand so I don’t bother with my points above, I simply tell her to mind her own business. The court was very clear once before when she brought up a bunch of stuff, telling her that I am a perfectly capable parent and she does not get a say in what happens at my house.
My response on the drumbeat that is the court threat is also consistent — “call your first witness, I am ready.”
March 7th, 2009 at 10:16 am
We’ve had the food issues too. Every couple of months or so we get a ranting e-mail about “forcing” them to eat vegetables (god forbid), and how we should have “alternate food choices available” should the children decide they don’t like what we’re having for dinner.
My husbands youngest daughter has been gaining weight, and has told me that her mom is telling her that she’s getting fat. She’s a little on the chunky side, but barely. But what does mom feed them? Pizza, chips, cookies, fast food at least 3 times a week, etc. A couple of weeks ago they showed up for visitation (right before dinner) eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s each.
I wouldn’t worry too much over the petition. In fact, it might be good comic relief. Imagine her going in front of the judge and telling him that you’re starving the children - and that S1 is 30lbs overweight. I mean, obvious starvation, right?
Although, I am concerned about the fact that she and S1 have collaberated to circumvent you in the school lunch thing. Not good.
March 7th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Our PEW has recently become obsessed with how we exercise the children on our time, even going so far as to suggest a Karate after school program on one of our days during the week. No matter how much we’ve assured her that we’re tending to their exercise (badmitton, long walks, family play outside), she’s never satisfied. Now she wants us to make sure we’re warming up for the proper amount of time and cooling down afterwards. Jeez. And when we emphatically stated that we weren’t interested in paying for “outsourcing exercise” to professionals, she responded with the usual, “Well, I guess it’s all up to me to do the right thing.” Well, if she wants to send a personal trainer over here, at her expense, fine with me - God knows I could use one, but in the meantime, my husband has become very good at saying Shut The Fuck Up, in a civilized way of course.
Food issues are not so critical, SS8 is a vegetarian (like the PEW) and we can work with that, SS12 sneaks non-vegetarian snacks at our house. Until PEW decides that all food must be Kosher - which we can deal with if we have to, we’re fine.
My heart goes out to you and your family Mr. M. I love this site and appreciate all you have given to so many in need.
March 7th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
[...] you may want to get updates for FREE by Email or RSS or follow us on Twitter. Thanks for visiting!In Part A of the Deprivation Series… we only laid the foundation of the Psycho Ex-Wife’s latest round of complete kookiness. [...]
March 11th, 2009 at 7:36 am
[...] From the Deprivation Series. [...]
March 12th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
[...] If you’re new here, you may want to get updates for FREE by Email or RSS or follow us on Twitter. Thanks for visiting!I use the term “conclusion” loosely. This is a recurring theme and I have no expectation that it will be brought up again at some point in the future. For this round, it is the conclusion because there is nothing more to say on the subject to the PEW. To catch up, start with Part A. [...]
March 25th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
[...] health and nutrition for the children, most recently resulting in the information detailed in the “Food Deprivation” series, I took the boys to the pediatrician. They were due for their physicals and another shot [...]
April 12th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
This sounds familar to my PEW though I wish I was fortunate enough to email her. My kids were with me from five to seven one day during the week and told me they already ate dinner. I asked them if they were hungry and they said no. I got a call from PEW telling me she “Expected” me to feed them. Of course I feed them and offered them food but I’m not going to force it. She continues to make similar unfounded complaints.
December 4th, 2009 at 3:18 am
[...] I was disinclined to respond, but was curious. If you remember the Food Deprivation Series, you know that this is a discussion not worth pursuing, but still ironic since less than one year [...]